High Fructose Corn Syrup - 485 Reviews

We need to come up with a new drink that the kids will love. Energy drinks seem to be all the rage lately, so lets make one of those. We need a good tag line too. Awesome energy? Nah. Radical energy? Nope, too 90's. I know, Extreme Energy! Kids these days love extreme sports so they have to love extreme energy. Now what flavors do we have to choose from? All we have is that gross raspberry one? Crap, even my dog doesn't like that. Hmmm, we'll have to think of a good nickname for the flavor so maybe they won't realize how bad it is. I know! Enraged Raspberry. And let's throw some Blue #1 in there to make it a cool blue color. Hmm, you're right that does kind of make it look like carbonated windshield washer fluid. Oh well, they won't notice because it will be in a can. Consumers are ignorant sheep anyways, we tell them what to buy and they do it. We could probably get away with selling actual windshield washer fluid as a drink just by labeling it "the most extreme drink you've ever tasted."

Mark and Jimmy were in the convenient store last Friday and they saw a kid who is in the grade above them buy a couple cans of alcohol. They were completely ecstatic. Everyone else in their class was always going to parties and getting drunk, but their classmates thought they were nerds, so they were never invited. It seemed like everyone they knew (except the real nerds) was always out raging on the weekends. Seeing as neither of them had ever had even a drop of alcohol before they felt left out. This was going to be their ticket to being cool, especially if they could get it on the regular. When they saw the upperclassman make his purchase they quickly dropped their Nerd Rope and Snapple and ran outside to form a plan. They would keep the location of their purchases a secret, so that the other kids would need them to supply the booze, thus insuring their place amongst the most popular in their school. It would work perfectly. They pooled up their money and since Jimmy looked a bit older he took it and went in to make the deal. He walked three laps around the aisles before finally grabbing a six-pack and taking it to the counter. The cashier looked at him like he was crazy, and told Jimmy to get out of his store. Without skipping a beat he was out the door and around the corner with Mark. What had gone wrong? Had he not given the code word of the secret handshake? Mark suggested that maybe there was just a loophole with whatever their classmate had bought. He remembered it was in a yellow can, so he grabbed the money and gave it a chance himself. He went into the store, nodded to the cashier, you know to let him know that he was “cool” and down” and then made his way to the cooler. The only can that looked anything like what the other kid bought was Tall Boys Lemonade. He grabbed as many as he could carry in his arms and walked up to the counter. He was sweating and shaking like crazy. The cashier gave him an awkward smile and rang him out. Mark couldn't believe that it worked. They were going to be the hit of the party. Things were finally turning around. No more late night pizza roll filled D&D sessions in Jimmy's dank basement. He grabbed Jimmy and they ran all the way out to the fields where the party was taking place. Everyone at the party gave them dirty looks when they showed up, that is until they announced that they had alcohol. After that everyone was all smiles and pats on the back. Since it was Mark that got the drinks he started passing them out to everyone. It took about .3 seconds for everyone to look at them like they were idiots and the taunting to start. You see while many companies sell beer and malt liquor in tallboy cans, the company Tall Boys does not make alcoholic drinks. The cans that Mark and Jimmy brought to the party were simply carbonated lemonade. Mediocre carbonated lemonade at that. The embarrassment was too much to take. They ran until they could run no more and ended up in the cemetery. Who knows why they went there, but they sat on the headstones and discussed how hellish Monday morning was going to be at school. All the while they downed can after can of cheap lemonade. They decided they deserved to make them selves sick for being such idiots. When Jimmy finally gave the cans a good look, it became obvious to him that they weren't alcoholic. There wasn't even any real lemon juice in them, just citric acid. He was highly confused as to why it was carbonated though; since nowhere except in the ingredient list does it say anything about it being so. After their fifth can each they decided that it tasted like highly sweetened floor cleaner with bubbles. Their purchase had been a mistake on so many levels.

Lemons are so social. They are the team players of Fruitland. They'll go anywhere and do anything. What drink line doesn't have a lemon flavored drink, or at least lemon as an additive? I don't hate lemons. Unless it's lemonade, there is a different lemon taste. You only get the sting on lemonade. I think that lemonade is a lemon's pet project. That's where they have their best foot forward.

Drinks like this is where the blue-collar lemons go. It's not bad. They're there. You can taste them. They're not in their finest state, but they're there. It's a black tea with lemon in it. Simple. I'm not offended by the corn syrup as this is right on par with "the rival" tallboy. You know the one.

This is fine. Dandy even. Lemons, keep up the good work. Sure, for some reason Jay doesn't like you, but he's strange. He's got Spice Girls and Bauhaus in his music collection. Lemons are fine, Jay.

Franklin really should have been paying more attention to his travel agent when she explained the dangers of wandering outside of the tourist areas of Mexico. When she started going into her spiel of things to avoid his mind began to wander to all of the rad things he was going to do while down south of the border. He assumed she was just going to talk about not drinking the water, and he was no dummy, he knew all about that. Franklin had also watched enough television to know all about bribing the Tijuana. He was all set. Now the only thing left to do was envision trading small children sticks of gum for tours of secret wondrous locations. As I said Franklin had watched a lot of TV and he knew how things worked, or so he thought. It's now three months later and he has been tied up in some cellar beneath what he thought was a corner store. With the bag over his head he could no longer keep track of the days, but he's pretty sure he's been down there for at least a week.

Oh Franklin, where did you go wrong? Oh yeah it was that like always you didn't listen to those who knew more than you. You strayed away from the path set out for those who want to safely visit the country of Mexico, because of that insatiable thirst of yours. You saw an old faded sign on the side of a building for Barrilitos soda. You knew it was an authentic local pop, and you really wanted to try your hand at a bottle of the pineapple. You sauntered into what you thought was a store, but which turned out to be an outpost for a drug cartel and here you are in a dirty basement with no food or water, and a bag over your head. Sharon must be worried sick, but you do always find a way out of these situations. We have faith in you.

Oh yeah, I know you've been holding onto the idea that as soon as you get out you're going to celebrate with a bottle of pineapple Barrilitos. I hate to be the one to have to break this to you, but you are in for a disappointment. I know you've built up the flavor in your mind into something incredible, but it's really a sub par soda. It tastes remotely like pineapple candy on the first couple of sips, but the more you drink, the less it tastes anything like pineapple. The more you imbibe the more it just tastes like a nameless citrus soda that isn't very good. I suggest you get yourself a Jarritos instead. Please, please listen to your travel agent next time that is if there is a next time.

When I was sixteen, I am ashamed to say that I used to take wine from the basement and bring it to my friend Justin's house. We used to sneak sips and hide it in the false, tile ceiling in his basement. That basement was great. We treated it with no respect and it showed. The way we treated that basement probably lowered the selling price by a bit. I think Justin told me that there were so many beer cans from him and his brother and their friends in the ceiling that they filled up a couple garbage cans. That basement was probably the last place I drank and that would have been in about 1998.

The one bottle of wine that we probably never finished was a bottle of red wine. It is the only red wine that I've ever had, and maybe the only wine I've ever had of any shade. This drink tastes like it. First sip I was immediately rewound back a dozen years into a basement that reeked of incense, bad music, and hormones, all covered in a thick layer of melted candle wax.

It's not a bad juice: very dark grapes and very dark cranberry. Pretty sweet and surprisingly HFCS'd first. I thought we were beyond that. It's a tame drink with no bitterness. Smooth, even. It's good, though, and now that I know what this one tastes like, I can get it any time I need to remember where I came from, a moldy basement where we built stadium seating out of some old couches and wood, a basement where we all made out with the same girl on separate occasions, a basement where we spent much of our high school days. A basement that now that I'm thinking about, makes me miss my dumb mid-teens. Now I'm listening to the Sneaker Pimps because that's what we would have been doing fifteen years ago.

By the quality of this juice this company's idea of a tropical location is a third world country. A country that certainly does not have the funds available to properly grow and harvest guavas. Instead they go the inexpensive route and make a fake guava juice. There is pear and apple juice in this, but not a drop of the nectar of the guava. It still remotely tastes like the fruit, but a kid version of it. This is the kind of juice that would be in the lowest common denominator juice box. You can certainly tell that it is sweetened with HFCS, but for some reason there is sucralose in it as well. It's not bad for the price, but it's not what I would want when I have the craving for juice from one of the best fruits in the world.

An open letter to Arnold Palmer,

Arnold Palmer, I assume you are a smart man. You've got a drink named after you and now a series of them have come out and I can only re-assume that you are doing well from them. I don't know what caliber of golfer you are, but I guess they wouldn't give just anyone a drink. You probably have a whole closet of gold jackets. Is it gold or green? I get real golf and Happy Gilmore golf confused. Can you tell that I don't follow golf? My daddy loves golf. He will soon scorn me for my rudeness and lack of research as he did when I was in my teens, barely scraping by in high school. Mr. Palmer, you have been cartooned on some of these cans, and for this can in particular, you are just hanging out in what looks like a peach orchard wearing some nice golf wingtips with your nice pup looking admiringly at you. Are you just driving balls into the orchard? Do you own the orchard? Have you been planning this venture since this theoretical sketch was taken? Was this taken from a real photograph? I've got questions and you've got answers.

Once you are done answering the above questions, I would like to tell you what I think of your drink. Firstly, I would like to preface that I am a bit of a professional in my field. You can't tell by this review or about 80% of the other reviews that I have done and now that I write that, I doubt my own professionalism. I don't like peaches. I would never eat a peach and I don't care if I go the rest of my life without eating one. You probably think at this stage that your drink is not going to get a great review. Allow me to continue. Diet drinks are typically the pits as well. This drink absolutely tastes like there is "something diet" going on in there. Yes, "something diet" is a bad thing and yes, I have noticed, and yes, you will be penalized for it.

With all of that being said, there is a decent enough "everything else" taste that balances it out. Peaches don't taste terrible, I just don't like them but I like them in a drink. If I want you to analyze that, I will pay you like a psychiatrist. I will pay you as a psychiatrist only if you have the proper chez lounge. I've come to just accept that this is the way that your tea tastes. I would love to try this with real sugar but that's me being a snob and trying to improve on a man's life's work. You wanted this to come out like this and it did. I can't penalize you for that. It's not bad. You've hidden it enough to be drinkable. It's got a fair lemonade taste, fair peach taste, and I can't really taste any tea.

Arnold, I'm going to pass right through the niceties and call you by your given name. Arnold, you've done a fine job here and I congratulate you in your endeavors on the links and in business. Do people still call it "the links?" It's catchy. I like it better than "the green." Anyhow, I hope this finds you well and you have continued success in both.

You know what, Mr. Waitress; I'm sick and tired of this. I come here day after day and I don't know why. You always get my order wrong, all of the wait staff has a terrible attitude and the pop is usually flat. I got one exceptional meal here and I won't give this place up because I feel that one day it will be that good again. It hasn't been. I've been keeping my mouth shut for months now but this is the last straw.

The only think I asked for is sweet tea and you only have diet. It's not awful, but it's half way to really diet tasting. To make matters worse, you only had enough for half a glass. Now what am I going to do with this. I just filled up on crackers and I am exceptionally thirsty. Mix it with something? What do you propose? Lemonade? Who do I look like, Arnold freakin' Palmer. Yeah, sure. Lemonade me up.

Oh, and another thing. I can't stand...when...the thing is...I...I...I'm sorry. I've had a rough day and all I wanted was a Black and Blue burger. When you brought me a bacon burger, it was half the straw that broke the camel's back. The half diet lemonade was now the savior because this isn't half bad. Sure, it's still a little diet, but the lemonade saves it. It tastes like "kid-made" lemonade. This might be some of the best diet half and half I've ever had.

You, my good sir, have done it. "Done what" you ask? You have roped me into coming here again and again now that you gave me this. It's redeeming. Please, sir. I just ask you one more simple thing. Do you have any more chocolate cream pie? I saw it on your specials board. You don't. Well, how about that. Let down again. You'd better have this concoction in here next time I come or I'm really going to make a stink!

Gerald was one dumb kid. He was one of those kids that didn't like to drink water so he drank anything but. When he was about eight, someone gave him an aloe drink and he fell in love. What kid wouldn't want to drink something with chunks? It's just gross enough that young boys think it's the most incredible thing ever. He would drink it every day. He would drink a lot of it every day. When he was at school he would have one of those giant 32 ounce bottles in his backpack and when the school day was over, he would have nearly finished the whole thing. When he was home, he would drink small containers because his mom and dad really didn't like him drinking that much.

He would hide them throughout his room. He particularly liked the La Vi drinks because they were good and they were small enough to fit in small places. The last time he went to his local Asian market the cashier, who knows him by name, turned him onto an apple La Vi aloe drink. It had a decent apple taste, was a little syrupy, and had those lovable chunks in it.

One day, when running in gym class, he fell and cut his leg. He grabbed his leg and when he lifted his hands to see how bad it was, and his hands were covered in aloe and chunks. It was a little pink from blood but for the most part, it was all aloe! He thought it was cool and called his friends over to look at it. They dared him to drink it but that was just too much for him. The nurse called his parents and yelled at them for letting him drink so much aloe and that it was bad for him. When Gerald got home, he was grounded and they found and threw out his stash of aloe drinks. He understood that he had a problem and cut his aloe intake way down.

I never thought I would ever find a red cream soda better than Crush Soda Mousse. Avid readers of Thirsty Dudes are probably sick of me talking about my love for the delicious cream soda from Canada, but I don't care. It's damn good! But sadly, it's throne as the best red/pink cream soda has been taken over by this wonderful soda I have in my hand.

This soda is a tad heavier, due to the corn syrup used. Even with that handicap, the taste on this is much better. It's creamier and smoother than other red/pink cream soda's I have had. The cherry taste is also much more prominent. I know Barq's is most well known for their root beer, but both of the cream soda's that I've had by them have been incredible. My advice to Barq's: use the wide distribution network that you use for your root beer line and get these cream soda's in stores all around the country. People will buy them. I know I will.

Charles, a mild mannered man, loved jazz. He didn't play any instruments himself, unless you consider the most cacophonous junior year of high school ever when he played guitar. He spent most nights alone in what used to be smoky jazz clubs in the city. Now they are smoke free and he is happy about that, but he admits that it misses a certain...something. He loves the greats like Maceo, Monk, and Miles as well as new cats.

Last night he went to a club downtown that just opened up a few weeks ago called JB's. He walked up to the entrance, and there was a man doing mime outside. He looked inside and there were TV's playing sports and people yelling. In the very back corner, he saw a man playing guitar. He heard the rest of a band, but couldn't see him through the crowd. He approached the doorman and said to him, "Is this a jazz club? It doesn't look like one and you advertised it as one." The doorman rudely said, "What are you, the bar police? Pay the five dollar cover and go inside if you want to see what JB's is all about." Charles reluctantly did and headed right towards the guitar player.

He shuffled through the people towards the guitarist so quickly that he didn't realize that there was no band at all. The man with the guitar was playing along with an iPod playing jazz. He was good, but it wasn't the same. He approached the bar and asked for something to drink. The bartender asked what he wanted and he asked what the house specials were. The bartender said that JB's had it's own line of drinks and gave him a list. Charles, knowing this night was going to be quicker than intended and he was probably going to leave soon, got a lemon tea. He took a sip and expected that it was going to be awful like the rest of the club. He was wrong. The tea had a nice lemon flavor and decent tea flavor. It obviously wasn't something you would make at home and tasted pretty manufactured, but he liked it more than a lemon Brisk. It tasted more real than that.

He finished up his tea, tipped the bartender, said goodbye to the doorman and got in his car to go home. It was only eight and he was too upset to stay out so he went home. That was the last time that he went to JB's for the jazz but on occasion, he would stop in during the day and get an iced tea and talk to all the creepy day-drinkers.

Having a kid, I am at the forefront on whether or not to use "baby talk." I can safely say that in the one single year of my son's life, I have never used baby talk or have I wanted to. Just reading the title of this drink aloud to him would null and void my streak. I understand that this is a drink for kids, but this is a phrase for babies. The only thing that could make the title of this drink any worse would be to change the "Y" in "yummies" to an "N." I can't even bring myself to type that out. Awful. Simply terrible.

Name aside, who doesn't love a nice, sweet orange drink? There is no edge, as I was expecting in this drink. It's smooth, which is strange. It's not creamy, which would be insanely disgusting. It just goes down well and doesn't choke you up. At first I thought that it was a bit Freez-e-pop-esque but I take that back. It did not taste at all like a real orange, and thinking it would is crazy. It tastes like candy orange and that is fine with me. I might prefer that to authentic orange unless it's orange juice. Let oranges do what they're good at and if you're not going to use real oranges, make something the same color that vaguely at best tastes like it. Hey, it worked for grapes.

Now I kind of want a grape version of this to see if it would solidify my point. I reckon it would.

It was weird drinking this in my house because it felt out of place. This soda screams "Grandma's fridge" or "sketchy gas station/corner store in the middle of Pennsylvania". It looks generic and (surprise surprise) tastes generic. Editor Dan brought this back to us from his travels, and I'm very appreciative because now I know that this definitely is NOT "a treat" (sorry, I had to). I've had worse, but I could throw a bottle cap and find a better root beer than this.

A haiku about Dr Brown's Ginger Ale:

light ginger-less soda
too dry to enjoy at all
watered down garbage

Jeremy, do you have coconuts for sale? You do? How much are they? Oh that's way too much. Do you have dent and scratch coconuts? You do? Is there anything wrong with them? They're old? Hmm. How old is old? Oh, that is old. You know what? If they smell fine, I'll take them. Can I get a discount since they're old? Awesome. Alright, I'll take a couple cases. What am I doing with them? Making pop. Yeah, coconut pop. I figure I'm one of the only ones I can have a nice corner of the market. Yes, I'm sure that better quality coconuts would make a better product. Sweetener? Corn syrup. Look, I've got to conserve money. This economy is garbage. Corn syrup and old coconuts is what my company will start with and as soon as things get better, we'll upgrade to better things.

I have made a sample batch, yes. It tastes a little thick and a little like coconut. The sweetener is a bit off, if I can be honest. I'm hoping people get hooked so when we pull the switch on cane sugar, it's a significant improvement. It's nice to have a constantly improving company and that's why I'm sacrificing quality initially.

Jeremy, thanks. I appreciate your help. I have written you a check for sixteen dollars for eighteen cases of old and damaged coconuts. I will send you some samples when I get them finished up. You don't want any? Alright dude, your loss.

The terrorists really win when you drink this stuff. They come at you from all angles and all you can think is, "It'll be alright" as you are getting shot every which way. Do not go into battle after you drink this stuff. Do not operate heavy machinery because when you're driving a gigantic dump truck thinking, "I feel really relaxed right now." you're running over half a dozen cars and you don't even know it.

This drink works. I feel totally relaxed and quite apathetic at the world around me. Sure, it doesn't take much to get me to that point but the former is a stretch. I am just a little sleepy but even when I say that I know as soon as my head touches the pillow my day will be over and then some.

This stuff could not taste more like medicine. Even down to the light carbonation/stinging, this drink does not fail to deliver in its familiar yet undesirable taste. What it lacks in a nice, soft, black cherry taste, it makes up for in actual results. I could probably take a punch in the face with a smile about now. There's nothing in this drink that is medicinal either. The only unnatural ingredient is the corn syrup. Everything else is just a relaxation herb.

This drink makes me feel like the first few times I had a Bob Marley tea, so if you want that feeling all over again, and you don't need to drive a backhoe and your city isn't overrun by terrorists, this is a great drink that you should enjoy exorbitantly responsible because it could end you and you couldn't care about it.

The Amazon is littered with fruits. Monkeys, snakes, spiders, and fruits. They all love fruits. Tourists come in, get bitten by a snake and run out giving the rainforest a bad name. The locals go in, snag some fruit, give a monkey a high five and leave. In and out. How it should be. Locals also know what some of the stranger fruits are and eat them and skip boring bananas. Bananas. Pfft. Locals go grab a handful of guarana and make some pop with it. Some locals want to push some of these delicious little dudes on the locals because they don't know what they're missing out of.

The company just sells guarana pop and the locals think that it's so strange and daring and it's really just good, fruity pop. It's almost like a bubble gum that has been chewed for a couple hours. It's sweet, fruity, and a little special. Feel special. Drink guarana pop and stop being such a tourist.

You may ask yourself, "Why would they make a pop in the worst flavor candy they make?" The answer to that is, "What? Do I run the company? I don't make the decisions." If I had to give you an answer, it would be that kids probably love puckering their youthful cheeks and chug this stuff down like it's the water they should be drinking because they are only eight and already are on the fast track to tooth decay.

Honestly, it tastes like a carbonated version of the candy you may or may not love but remember regardless. Your mind knows that this is terrible for you and I would like to see an adult who can look me in the face, drink this entire bottle, and tell me that they still feel good about themselves.

Drink half this bottle and call it a day because although it doesn't have all the sugar you would expect, this drink slays your taste buds and you need those for dinner. If you can't taste your spaghetti because you drank a whole bottle of Jolly Rancher pop, your mommy is going to be so sore at you.

Old-fashioned taste means different things to different people. There is a place around here that is legendary for "old fashioned" subs. I could go for one of those subs every day and as the years progress they only get better. New bread, new sauces, new ingredients, but at the heart, they are fantastic subs made fresh right before your eyes. I honestly believe that eighty years ago these subs would have tasted the same as they do today. I would do an awful lot to go back in time and try that theory out. I would order a turkey sub and have it with a Bennett's lemon cola and test the "old fashioned" waters. I'd sit down with my inevitable fancy pants, hat, shoes, and pocket watch and eat a sub and drink a pop.

You know what I would say? I would say that this sub is delicious and this pop leaves much to the imagination. It's kind of thick and the cola and lemon are a bit...abrasive. I would also wager a guess to say that in "old fashioned" times, they didn't use artificial sweeteners. Between this and a lemon Pepsi, I would take a Pepsi, but since I'm in old times, I'd have a soda jerk whip me up a genuine vanilla Coke.

Although this would never happen and I will always and forever be stuck in present day like a dumb dummy, I can imagine and know that things haven't changed for subs but have changed for Bennett's.

I've drunk a lot of peach juices and nectars in my day. For a while I was obsessed with Looza peach nectar. Then I got sick of paying $5 for a bottle of it, and switched over to the Goya version. It wasn't quite as good, but it still got the job done. Throughout the history of Thirsty Dudes I seem to always end up with the peach flavored drinks, and I'm not complaining.

The Sonrisa peach nectar is not as thick as the previously mentioned brands, but it's nothing to scoff at. Sure it has HFCS in it as a sweetener, but it comes after the juice on the ingredients list. That is saying something in this day and age. It's very sweet, a little sweeter than I prefer, but the peach taste makes up for it. Anyone who has downed more than a couple of whole peaches in their life can tell you that different parts of the peach have different flavors. Sonrisa concentrated on the “flesh” of the peach that comes in contact with the pit. In an actual peach that area is a bit tougher, with some rough spots, but the flavor is very specific. If there wasn't a sweetener added to this I think the taste would be dead on. Adding the sweetener just made it more enjoyable.