Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Mom! Come look what Mittens did! It's SODAsgusting!

Billy, what did I tell you about yelling while I'm making crème brulee? Do you want me to burn down the…€¦Goddamnit! Did the damn cat pee on the carpet?

Mom, it's SODAsgusting!

I know Billy go get a rag and we'll clean it up. What are you doing with that straw! Billy, get away from there! Don't drink that! It's disgusting and vile and you are no child of mine!

Mom, chill out it's SODAsgusting!

You're damn right it's disgusting! I can't believe the fruit of my loins would do so a despicable thing as drinking cat pee off of the carpet! With a straw no less! It's like you are starring in the movie Pink Flamingoes! You're grounded mister!

No mom, you've got it all wrong! It's not cat pee it's Kitty Piddle! It's a flavor of the Avery's Soda companies SODAsgusting line! See, here's the bottle! The name is a joke because of the color of the pop. It's actually pineapple and orange in flavor. It has that very specific Avery's flavor. It's a little on the cheap side flavor-wise actually. It doesn't taste like the real fruits, just a knock off. It's not terrible for a kid like me, but I bet you wouldn't like it. I had a bottle on the coffee table and Mittens knocked it over on the carpet.

Well, that is a relief to say the least. You're still grounded though for having a soda before your crème brulee. Now clean that up and get to your room!

Hawaii is a tropical wonderland. Everyone knows that. It's lush, gorgeous and relaxing. You can hike through a jungle, spend the day surfing, check out a volcano or just relax on the beach. What more could anyone want. On top of that the fruits that grow on the islands are out of control: guavas, pineapples, mangoes and many others that you have probably never heard of, but that are more than likely delicious.

With all the great produce that grows I has hoping for this to be some sort of exotic iced tea. Can you just imagine an iced tea with guava juice in it? I think my taste buds would retire after tasting such a thing. Unfortunately Noh Foods' Hawiian Iced tea is simply the normal lemon variety. There is nothing wrong with that, and it's actually one of the finest lemon teas I've ever tasted, but I was just hoping for something more unique to the geographic namesake.

Noh Foods were smart when they made this. They knew that the tea is the main part of the drink, and that the amount of lemon juice they added to it mustn't distract one from the taste of the tea. I was actually surprised to find out that it was instant tea, and not traditionally brewed. Normally drinks made from instant tea are on the lower rungs of quality, but they have over come that and created a very nice product. I just hope they read this and decide to expand their line into some innovative fruit flavors.

“To achieve a hippy utopia through the use of brewed beverages.” I'm pretty sure that is the mission statement of the Peace Tea company. For the most part I think they might be on the right track. Their beverages are inexpensive so the common man can afford them. They also use decent sweeteners for health reasons. On top of all of that 90% of their line of teas taste pretty fantastic. It's a tea nearly everyone can afford and enjoy and isn't that the basis for a utopian civilization?

As far as I know this is the only diet tea they have yet to put out. I had my reservations about it, hence it took me so long to actually get around to drinking and reviewing it. Happily it wasn't all that bad. In fact I straight up enjoyed it. The strength of the green tea overpowered the sucralose and it didn't have that gross diet taste to it, well not too much. I honestly expected to drink a couple of sips of this and then pass it off to someone else, but I ended up downing it all myself. When it was nice and cold is when it was at its peak. The warmer it got the more the sucralose was noticeable.

My only question for the company is if you're striving for peace, what's up with all of the weird propaganda slogans on your cans? Are you trying to lull everyone into a sense of peace and well being and then arise as our new overlords? Are you actually the bringers of the apocalypse? Either way, good job on the tea. I'll be drinking many more.

ATTN: CANADIANS!

Are you looking for an energy drink that fits into your countries unique tastes? If so I've got what you're looking for right here. You see I have learned that people from Canada are obsessed with Tahitian Treat pop, and that they buy it buy the case when they can get their grubby maple syrup covered hands on it. I don't believe I know a single American who has ever expressed interest in Tahitian Treat, but I know Canadians who go gaga over it. If you're not familiar it is a fruit punch flavored soda that has a very specific taste. This energy drink also has that taste with the energy drink flavor mixed in.

I started off thinking this was okay. Then about halfway through the can it got almost sour, and by the time I was ¾ through I felt like my tongue was going numb. I think I might have liked it more because of those things. I am strange. I have accepted it. Now smuggle some of this over the border in your trunk full of soda.

Margarittaville? That place is for suckers. Pinacoladaberg? Only if you're looking to get murdered. When I plan my tropical getaways I book a one-way ticket to Organicville. Specifically to the part of the resort called Orangeville. It's a little slice of heaven where they know how to party. Walking around all day with the sun shining down, but it's not overbearingly hot. The ocean, as terrifying as it is, is right there for you to enjoy. To top it all off there are trees bearing citrus fruit everywhere. All you have to do is reach up and pluck what you want from the branches. Now that is living.

On those times when my beverage-drinking schedule keeps me away from my little island paradise I make sure to have plenty of their soda on hand. You see they don't just take orange juice and add a little sugar and bubbles to it and call it a soda. They go the extra mile and add a bit of grapefruit juice to the mix, and what a difference it makes. It makes Orangina look like generic orange soda. It's light, not too sweet and full of citrus power. It has mostly an orange juice flavor, with just a little kick of grapefruit. It's all I could ever ask for in a citrus-based soda.

Now if you'll excuse me, my flight to Belgium is about to depart. I have a lead on some crucial drinks that I need to follow up on. Now that a mythical creature has devoured Mike I really need to step up my game.

This is little sister Gatorade. I don't mean that in a sexist, “everything that is pink is for little girls” way. I mean it in the “my little sister was obsessed with strawberry watermelon drinks when we were younger” kind of way. I guess I shouldn't really call her my little sister anymore as she's about to turn 30 and get married on the same day, but who cares? She loved drinks like this and because she was my younger sibling and there are always some sort of rivalries, I could never take the flavor seriously. Even now that we're both adults I see this as a kids drink.

In reality it tastes nothing like the result of juicing a bunch of strawberries and watermelons. It tastes pink, if pink were an actual flavor. There are the slightest hints at a strawberry-esque flavor, but it doesn't really taste like the fruit. To keep my theme going I will say it tastes the same way that Strawberry Shortcake's breath smelled. Even after all of that, and putting my childish rivalries aside, it's still a decent drink. Not all drinks should taste like fruit. I'm sure it does a fine job of hydrating and quenching thirst and isn't that all they ever really claimed to do at Gatorade HQ? It's sweet, it's watery and my sister would love it.

Somewhere in Asia there is a community garden where they mostly grow tea. I know it sounds ridiculous to designate so much public land to a garden of this variety, but think about it, who doesn't love a glass/mug of some nice green tea? Also, who are we to judge what brings a community together. Whether it's growing a few carrots and peppers or a small field of tea plants if it brings people together, then it's good for the community.

The real problems begin after the tea is harvested and it is drying. That is when arguments arise about how they will flavor the tea. There are many who are purists who just want it to be straight green tea. They believe adding anything to it disturbs the integrity of the drink. Others wish to flavor it with flowers. There are still some that want to add fruit flavor. Every year it's the same argument and every year they settle it the same way; with an old-fashioned street brawl. Everyone who has an opinion gathers in the middle of the now desolate field, where the tea had recently been harvested from and they have it out. The last one standing has their way (eww, not like that) with the tea.

This past season the top brawler had wanted some orange tea. He had kept his mouth shut about it for years, because he knew his training wasn't finished. For years he hit the gym daily to bulk up in order to ensure he would win the battle. His efforts paid off. The rest of the town was no match for him, and the brawl set a record for being the shortest in history.

Now that the tea has been brewed and chilled, our warrior sits on his back porch with a dusty old dog and sips away. It's a very strong, bitter green tea with slight accents of orange peels. He added just a touch of sugar to it to take the edge off, but no one in their right mind would ever refer to it as a sweetened tea. As he sat there he decided that it was a nice tea. It tasted like green tea should taste, but that if he had wanted it to be perfect he would have been better off either using orange juice instead of rinds, or a different fruit altogether.

Perry had decided to become a vegetarian a few months ago. He was still in high school, but he knew it was the right thing for him to do. He loved animals. He didn't want to eat them. Every time he thought about eating meat Gorilla Biscuits would pop into his head;
”Cats and dogs have all the luck.”

At first it was hard. His parents didn't think he was serious, so they wouldn't buy him special food. As a result he ended up eating a lot of the vegetable side dishes his mom made for dinners and a whole mess of peanut butter sandwiches. After a month, they saw that he was serious and started buying him veggie burgers and the like. His mother was also concerned that he wasn't going to get all of the vitamins and minerals that he needed out of his diet. She always went on and on about how he wasn't getting enough protein. She would buy him protein energy bars all the time. When Bolthouse came out with their Protein Plus line she took it as a sign and bought some for Perry. It's every mother's dream to have her kids drinking juice with no sugar added and with a whole mess of protein in it.

At first Perry was put off by it. The whey protein in the drink gave it an almost chalky consistency. It was unlike anything he had ever drunk before. It also kind of tasted like someone dumped a carton of heavy cream into some mango puree. It was like a chalky mango creamsicle. After he drank about half of the bottle Perry became acclimated to it. The fruit flavor started to shine through more and the dairy aspect of it faded into the background. It got to the point where he down right enjoyed the drink. When he was finished he was a bit upset and he couldn't wait until the next time his mom would go shopping. Even though he had learned online that the foods he was eating were giving him more than enough protein, he wasn't about to tell him mom that she was a big dummy. If she wanted to buy him fancy “candy bars” and juices who was he to complain?

There was a time in my life where I had to do the “weekend dad” thing. No I wasn't the dad myself, I had to go and stay with my father every other Friday and for the full weekend on the opposite weeks. That was a long time ago. As soon as I was old enough to ride my bike places I was hardly ever at his apartment, except to sleep. I think I was 16 when I stopped going at all. It just seemed pointless and his place was one big cloud of smoke that made me feel like butt soup. There's no real point to tell you that except that in the center of that smoke hole is where I first encountered Arizona tea. MY stepmother became obsessed with it and I remember waking up early one Sunday and drinking one of them. Being as I was probably 15 at the time it blew my mind. Before that the only iced teas I had tasted were Nestea and powder mixes. Arizona opened up a whole new world to me and I quickly became obsessed with iced tea. That obsession lasts to this day, and while Arizona is no longer my favorite, I still have a soft spot for it in my heart.

The other day I went to the store to stock up on “normal drinks” that we hadn't reviewed yet, and I was shocked to discover that we had yet to review this classic Arizona flavor. It used to be the flavor I would treat myself with. I always went for the cans because of their lower price, but to this day I have never seen this flavor in a tallboy. I'm pretty sure it never existed. So sometimes I would cough up the extra sixty cents and go to flavor town. This bottle holds 3oz of tea less than the tall boy cans, but for some reason it seems enormous. That's really what you go to Arizona for; the quantity of tea plus it's slightly above average quality.

There are two things that make this tea stand out amongst the others: they use white tea to make it and it has actual blueberry juice in it. Both of those things step up the game. The white tea makes it taste softer while you can really taste the blueberries. If they had made it with cane sugar instead of HFCS this would be a complete slam-dunk. Unfortunately they don't and the taste suffers a little from the overly sweet syrupiness.

To think if it weren't for bizarre furniture that folded out into a sleeping compartment I wouldn't have had the pleasure of meeting Arizona until a few years later. Where would I even be now in my life?

This drink is the equivalent of dumping a whole mess of grapes into a blender with an obscene amount of sugar. Sure the grapes get cut up, but there are stuff a whole mess of chunks left over. That's okay though, we love chunks in our drinks. Okay, that sounds gross. I feel like I just said that we love vomit in our drinks. I'd like to go on record by saying that I have never drank vomit in a drink, and I hope that I never end up drinking vomit in a drink. If I did the result would just be the creation of more vomit to put in drinks, and as we already mentioned no one wants that, so it would be a waste of effort and time.

If someone had poured this into a glass and then given it to me, I would have assumed from looking at it that it was an aloe drink. Then after drinking it I would have thought that I had confirmed my earlier thought. I obviously would have been wrong. It's just water, grape juice and grape chunks, but it really does taste and feel like it is an aloe drink. The grape flavor is a bit stronger than any aloe I've ever had, but the similarities are there. I'm shocked that there is only 27g of sugar in here, because it tastes like someone dumped an entire sack of sugar into this little can. While my health would not appreciate that, my taste buds certainly do.

If it was Sobe's mission to take two of the most potent fruit juices this word has ever seen and use them to flavor water in a way that makes them not potent at all, well job well done. I actually don't get much pomegranate out of this. It's mostly just cherry and I'm okay with that. To be frank I'm getting pretty sick of our friend the pomegranate. He's infiltrated far too much of the beverage world, and I could use a break from him. To get back on track, this like every Lifewater is just Sobe's version of Vitamin Water and it's completely apparent in the taste. Sure Sobe has been around longer, but their drinks didn't use to be so “water based.” The only thing different between this and Vitamin Water is that this has taurine in it. I'm pretty sure no Vitamin Waters do. If I did a blind taste test I would guess this was a new flavor of Vitamin Water, which I suppose isn't a bad thing. Billions of people, including myself, love their products and drink them all the time. Here's to competition.

For those of you who are wondering like I was Wishniak is Polish for cherry. Some soda companies from around the Philadelphia area started using it to describe their black cheery soda after the creator of Franks soda started using it. See the internet is a useful tool to find interesting information.

As far as black cherry sodas go this is better than most. It's not as dark tasting as your everyday store brand. It's still very distinctly different from plain cherry soda, but it falls somewhere between the two. As someone who is not a huge fan of black cherry, I was pumped when my ladyfriend bought this so I could try it. If black cherry always tasted like this I would choose it out of the herd more often.

Milk disgusts me to no end. The stuff that makes up milk is vom inducing. While I'll eat it if it's used to make some food, just drinking it is a big no-no. When I was younger I would put it in my cereal, but dump it out of each spoonful. It was such a waste, but I couldn't bring myself to drink it. Eventually I moved on to soymilk, but drinking that in large quantities isn't that great for you either, so a few years ago I happily landed on almond milk.

Almond milk is something I can completely get behind, as long as you go for the unsweetened variety. I go through about a gallon of the unsweetened Silk brand a week. This week when I went to the store they were out of it, and all that was left was this new carton of So Delicious Almond Plus. As I said I usually stay away from the ones with added sugar, because I eat the cereal of a child and it has more sugar than I should probably eat all day. The look of this carton was intriguing to me, and I liked the idea of added protein, so instead of stopping at another store I decided to give this a try. It was a mistake. My normal almond milk doesn't have too much of a presence. It's just has a dull almond taste that is generally overpowered by my cereal (fake Cinnamon Toast Crunch for those of you playing at home). If I were to drink it by itself it's pleasant enough. This on the other hand is far too sweet. Well it's not insanely sweet like a soda, but the sugar distracts from the taste of the almonds, and it just tastes like sweetness with a harsh, almost burnt, almond aftertaste. It makes my cereal taste completely different. Needless to say I am not a fan, and I would trek to a different store the next time Wegmans is out of my Silk.

It's well known that in the 40's the Manhattan Project was underway to produce the first atomic bomb. The US, UK and Canada all worked together, spending an obscene amount of money to basically devise a weapon that will someday cause the end of the world. Scientists worked long and hard to achieve their goal, even coming up with some cool fission guns using uranium. Nuclear weapons in gun form sound terrifying, yet strangely alluring (note to self: you may indeed grow up to be a super villain).

The men who worked on this project knew that they would get nowhere if they worked constantly. No one ever got anywhere with out a little playtime mixed in. Since they were scientists their playtime of course involved mixing ingredients to create something new. Back in '43 they had a little challenge going on the various project locations to see which team could create the best tasting soda. The team based in Brooklyn, NY ended up winning the competition. Led by Dr. Jonathan Osterman the team had a brief brainstorming session while separating uranium-235, and decided that the only way they could win this little game was to brew their own version of the greatest soda on the planet: sarsaparilla. To say they succeeded is a bit of an understatement. If there were any justice in this world these men would be more famous for their soda than their weapons of mass destruction. What they created is a dark sarsaparilla with a heavy licorice and wintergreen levels in it. Every aspect of it is strong, and I will forgive those men for the future destruction of everything I know. The 10oz bottles that it comes in simply aren't enough. I could drink this all the livelong day and not have had enough. Perhaps the team cheated and used a little bit of that uranium in their recipe. I would risk radiation for this, would you?

I think it's fair to say that the two hottest drink styles out there currently (besides the classic sodas) are energy drinks and coconut water. It seems like every time I go out drink shopping there is a new version of one of them just waiting to be ingested and half assed reviewed. To save me some time Rockstar decided to combine the two. Yes, that is the only reason they put this into production. Rockstar cares about me as an individual. I get cards from them on the holidays, gifts on my birthday and monthly calls just to see how I'm doing. To tell you the truth it's a bit creepy. I mean how did they know that I wanted a combination coconut water/energy drink? The only time I mentioned it was when my ladyfriend and I were in bed, about to drift off to sleep. The last card I got from them alluded to them being akin to Santa Claus. Remind me to sweep my house for bugs and cameras. Also, remind me to move and change my phone number. I don't want those creeps following me around anymore.

Even though they got the idea to make this drink by being a bunch of creeps, they did a good job with it. It really just tastes like a can of overly sweetened coconut water. It has a very strong coconut flavor, and a very weak energy drink flavor. It's a nice change of pace. It's also nice to have a non-carbonated energy drink. Rockstar is really going against the norm now. The downfall is that like all coconut waters it tastes its best when it is ice cold. The more the temperature of the fluid rises, the grosser it becomes. This is a fairly large can, so be prepared to either slam it, put it in the fridge for later, or deal with the gross warmness of it. Next thing I know Rockstar will read this and start making cans that keep drinks colder longer. Pray for Mojo.

Do you want a night of completely mundane dreams? Well then I have the water for you. I drank this last night and I dreamt that I was at the grocery store checking all the drinks against the list on my phone to see if we had reviewed it. You know, like how I spend most of my days. Then when I cashed out there was a problem with my card and a manager got called over. He then yelled at the cashier, whom I stuck up for and a shouting match ensued. Completely boring.

The thing is that you don't drink these to have insane crazy dreams. You drink them to sleep, and it performed that function perfectly. I tossed and turned for an hour last night. It was obviously that I wasn't getting any closer to Slumberland on my own. I needed help from a bottle. Within 15 minutes of slamming this down my gullet I was out cold.

The drink was also surprisingly not gross. As we've stated dozens of times drinks that come in shot forms are gross by nature. This on the other hand tastes like a flavor of Vitamin Water Zero. It's pomegranate and blueberry flavored, and it doesn't taste chemical at all. It tastes like flavored water, and it doesn't even taste concentrated. I like it as a drink, and I love it as a sleep aid. This is a win-win for everyone except my dreams.

Do you know how coffee is produced? I certainly had no idea until about a year ago when I visited a coffee plantation. Okay, I had an inkling when we got those Bai drinks to review that are made with coffee fruit. The point is that it grows on bushes and there are these little green berries. Once the berries ripen they turn red, and are harvested. Inside the berries are the coffee seeds or beans, which are dried and roasted to brew the coffee that you drink for your get up and go.

When the coffee berries are still green they still contain a decent amount of caffeine, so Starbucks, amongst other companies, have started using them to make alternative energy drinks. These drinks aren't quite coffee and they certainly aren't traditional energy drinks, but they still give you a nice little boost without any added chemicals.

This little guy right here is quite aromatic. As soon as I cracked it open my car was greeted with the scent of strawberries. It's one of their weird two tier flavored drinks. While it's in your mouth it tastes like a nice watered down, carbonated strawberry lemonade. It's not tart at all, but it still has that lemonade flavor. Then when you swallow the slight bitterness of the coffee berry kicks in, and the berry flavor fades away. When I was at that coffee plantation I tried a green coffee berry and it was incredibly bitter on it's own. The sweetener in here takes care of that a bit, but it lingers some in the aftertaste.

I do wish this was stronger on the lemonade side of things, but for an energy drink that doesn't taste like your run of the mill toxic garbage, I can handle what they give me.

It seems that every semi-major city in the United States has it's own regional soda. The thing with these sodas is that they are generally nothing spectacular. Most of the time they are on par with store-brand varieties, but sometimes they are something special like Johnnie Ryan or College Club. Day's, the Eastern Pennsylvanian soda, walks the line between generic and special. I feel like they would fall under the run of the mill category if they didn't make more unusual flavors like they do. For today's installment I'm drinking their pineapple soda. Not many companies make pop of this flavor and I really don't know why. Every pineapple pop I've tried has been more than decent. They all generally tend to taste basically the same as well. You know the candied pineapple flavor that vaguely tastes like the fruit, but you don't really care, because it's a great stand-alone flavor. This tastes like Slice, College Club, or Pop Shoppe's pineapple soda. As far as I know they all use the same recipe because I …€˜m guessing 90% of the people out there couldn't tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Will we someday end up trying every flavor of every regional soda? More than likely no, but we can dream big can't we?

Western Pennsylvania is Tea Cooler Country. There are more dairies there that produce non-brewed iced teas than I have ever come across anywhere else. I must say that they are all delicious. Most companies that make teas like this overly sweeten them with HFCS to a point that it seems like it's flavored sugar water and not tea at all. PA knows how to do it correctly.

I would really like to visit one of these dairies. I wonder if it would be interesting, or just a bunch of barns filled with cows hooked up to those weird hose things. They are proof that technology can be terrifying. Other ways that technology is terrifying is that this drink is made with "instant tea solids." It just doesn't sound right. It sounds like it should be chunky and completely disgusting, but the drink is completely liquid and delicious. Sure it's on the very very sweet side of things, but it's a tea cooler and that is how they are supposed to be. What I found to be surprising about this drink is that it actually tastes like raspberries and not the weird sweet syrupy fake raspberry flavor that a lot of teas have. Well done Schneiders. I think Mike works for one of your relatives. Well Zach, are they your kin?

Well pardner, I just finished reading the last of the Preacher comics. I honestly don't know why it took me so long to finally get to reading the series, as it was great. There are few storylines better than one about a guy who gets "possessed" by the offspring of an angel and demon and then goes off with his ladyfriend and a vampire to go find God and make him own up to all of the crap he's put humanity through. If that wasn't enough there are also a whole mess of references to cowboys, and even John Wayne is a semi-main character. I'd like to think that if either Mr. Wayne or Jesse Custer (the Preacher) were to drink an energy drink it would be Junior Buffalo.

There isn't a single other energy drink on the market that is backed by the ideas of cowboys and the old West. I don't know exactly why a cowboy would need an energy drink riding through the prairies all day. Perhaps he would use it to keep his nerve up for a gunfight. That's what I'll go with, gunfights.

So if you have an upcoming gunfight and you don't think you have the focus you need to take down your opponent, grab yourself a can of Junior Buffalo and as soon as you crush it draw your gun and walk out of that place a winner. Well, if you can call shooting someone making you a winner.

Opposed to their normal like the Junior version that I'm drinking here has no caffeine or taurine. All of the energy in this can comes from vitamins and L-carnitine. It's supposed to be a healthier version for all of the little ones running around the homestead. So I guess they won't be needing this for gunfights, unless the Old West in my head is way more messed up than I think it is. I guess the grown cow folk could feed this to their younger kin to help them with their chores. I really don't even know what this taste like. It doesn't really taste fully like an energy drink. I guess it's kind of a citrus grape flavor. It starts off nice, but it goes out harsh. I guess it's something kids would probably like.

I'd like to state that I am completely against giving kids energy drinks. They should have all of the energy they need just from being young. It really freaks me out when I see 12 year olds downing the largest size Monster they can find. While I don't fully endorse feeding this to kids, it is less unhealthy than the other options on the market.