Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Warren Phillips was a busy man. His business was his priority, and it was all consuming. When he wasn't in the office he was running around the city to meet up with some client or another or to gather information for his business. You see Warren Phillips was a businessman on the run, and when you're a businessman on the run you need to take your meals and snacks on the go as well. Warren had everything set out around town. Each day of the week he had a separate deli/food cart where he could grab a bite in less than two minutes. He knew where every bodega was in the city, and at what times they got their rush. It seemed that Warren had everything figured out, well except one thing; he had a deep-set love affair with iced cafè mochas. The problem was the time it took for the baristas to concoct this beverage was time that was not being put to use for his business, and Warren certainly couldn't have that. He had tried some canned versions in the past, but they were always vaguely chalky and never really satisfied him.

One day Warren saw a display of Real Beanz drinks under a comically large sign that read “New Product.” Never one to pass up a chance to make his day run smoother, he picked up a bottle of his beloved mocha. In the 12 seconds he was in line to pay for it, he read the label (Did you really think Warren Phillips wouldn't be a speed reader?) and discovered that it was a mocha mixed with green tea extract for added antioxidants. “Well isn't that just wonderful,” thought Warren. If this drink was delicious he could stop his craving and help fight off sickness by helping his immune system out. This really all happened in 12 seconds. It was crazy. By the time he was out the door, he had already downed half the bottle. His dreams had come true. The coffee drink was completely delicious and not chalky at all. It was heavier on the chocolate taste than the coffee, but you could still taste the coffee in the aftertaste. It was just the way he liked it. Also the quality of the chocolate was way better than any other prepackaged mocha drink he had ever tried. He thought it might even taste better than the stuff his favorite coffee shop used. For a second he thought he could taste a little green tea in there, but then he realized he was being crazy.

Warren was in love, and the whole experience took 7 minutes less than he would have spent with the baristas. That was more time for Warren to spend on his business, and off he went to sell, sell, sell.

I don't know if I can properly express Mike's disappointment in the Jones Dungeons & Dragons line. It crushed the man. He saw an ad that Jones was releasing this line, and he jumped on it. He ordered us the whole series, and spent a pretty penny doing it. In his mind the new flavors were out of this world and from an older time, some would say a simpler time. Others would say it sucked because you were always worried about dragons or orcs attacking you. One thing that no one would argue about was that the beverages back then were way different. The day finally came when the package arrived. Mike opened it up and said some expletive or another. You see the ad listed the flavors as things such as “Sneak Attack,” “Potion of Healing” and “Eldritch Blast.” What it didn't tell you was that these were just the normal Jones flavors with new wacky names (Cream Soda, Blackberry and Green Apple). Mike was so upset that after we divided the flavors between us it took him nearly six months to review even one, and that was under duress. I feel for him. No one likes disappointment, especially when it comes in the way of sodas you were super stoked on.

What is an Eldritch Blast anyways? I thought it was some sort of creature, as I have no idea what the being on the label is. I Googled it and eldritch just means strange or spooky. I guess that it makes sense as Jones was able to make a green apple soda that actually tastes like pop and not like someone put a handful of Jolly Ranchers in a cup and then microwaved them for two hours. Sure, it's sweet as hell, but underneath the sugar it actually tastes like a nice sour apple and not just candy. This is the first soda I've ever had that has done this properly. I hope that makes up for some of Mike's sadness. I know it won't but a man can dream. Actually if I'm dreaming I should probably be dreaming bigger, like say Mike won a contest when he ordered these lies of soda and he's getting one of those fancy cars that he loves and 25 pachinko machines to annoy his “live in” girlfriend. Now there's a dream.

Times like this are when my science skills get to shine. What sits in front of me is a delicious honey vanilla chai tea concentrate. There is a whole lot of concentrate in this bottle. The ingredients say that it's enough for eight servings, but I just made a glass, and it barely made a dent in the bottle.

To prove I am a scientist I got out some measuring cups so that I could follow the directions exactly. When it comes to reviewing concentrates like this it's pretty crucial to get it just right, or the favor could be completely off. Yeah, something as simple as that is still science, deal with it. The directions say to mix it with milk or milk substitute. Since I am not proud of my mutant gene that allows me to drink other creature's milk (oh man Professor X would be so disappointed in me) I went with unsweetened almond milk. I also chose to make it the cold way instead of hot, as it's summer and who wants to drink hot tea at 3PM in the blazing hot sun?

So I followed the directions and made myself a nice chilled glass of honey vanilla chai tea, and it is gosh darn delicious. It definitely tastes more vanilla than most chai teas I've had before. You also can taste the honey, which I didn't really expect. If this is what was served to me after I just shelled over nearly $5 at a local coffee shop, I wouldn't be upset or feel cheated. In fact if I didn't know any better I really wouldn't know that it was made from a concentrate. Some of the spices didn't really mix in all that well, and I would get sip that were chock full of clove and cinnamon, but I blame that on my mix of choice. I feel like they may have mixed in better with cow milk. I actually decided to drink a second glass, and I upped the almond milk ratio a little bit, and it turned out more my speed. That's the joy of concentrates, you can make them as weak or as strong as you'd like. Man, I really can't wait to try this hot once the sun goes down.

First off, I'd like to say how stoked I am that Mountain Dew included us in their “pre-promotion” group or whatever they call it. Getting two cans of what looks like top-secret soda in the mail is a great feeling. A plain silver can with a inkjet printed label with little to no info makes me feel even more like a scientist working on a secret program. In order to keep up the mystery I took a picture of the can cast in shadows. All that I knew about this drink was that it's their new flavor, that is going to have different regional names, and that it is malt flavored. Now I've had my severe issues with some malt drinks (i.e. Malta Goya), but I've also had some that were pretty spectacular (apple and pineapple ones come to mind). I was hoping this would be more like the latter than the previous, as it has added citrus flavor. It turns out the flavor falls somewhere in the middle of great and gross.

When I cracked open the can I almost didn't take a sip. It smelled so much like beer that I was afraid that Mountain Dew might be marketing a new alcoholic beverage. I made my ladyfriend taste it, and she said that while it did smell like cheap beer, it didn't taste like it. That was all the info I needed and I took a few sips. It really tasted nothing like it smelled. It had a slight malt flavor, but it the main flavor was a slightly more lemon lime ridden Mountain Dew. My relief was great, and I decided that this was actually a tasty beverage. I went about my business, periodically taking a sip over the next 15 minutes. With each sip the citrus flavor decreased and the malty beer taste increased. It was still drinkable, but getting worse. Then I burped. That burp was so reminiscent of beer that it was completely disgusting. I took one more sip, and decided that at this point it tasted like the can was 2/3 beer and 1/3 Mountain Dew. It surely was not for me. If it were just the initial flavor, without the beer aftertaste, I could get down with this. As it stands: no thank you.

I'm not sure who they are going to market this drink towards, but I don't think it's the normal high school/gamer crowd. What high schooler is going to want something that tastes like beer, but doesn't get them drunk? I applaud Mountain Dew for trying something new, and something out of the ordinary at that, but I feel they missed their mark too much for this to be much of a success.

One of the fun things about being a scientist is that you can take one sip of a beverage, mull it over and within seconds know exactly how to recreate it. Are you feeling beat from bombing hills and grinding rails all day? Do you need a pick me up, but don't have the $2 to drop at the gas station for an energy drink? Well just follow these simple steps and you will be on your way.

First take some fruit punch and water it down a little. You don't need to add much water. You still want the flavor, but you just want to dilute the syrupiness of it. Next, mix in about seven red Pixie Stix. Make sure you mix them in nice and proper. You don't want any grit to your drink. Finally you need to dissolve four sour Warhead candies. This is a crucial step, or else your lips won't pucker correctly.

Now I can't vouch that this drink will give you a ton of energy. I'm sure it will give you a sugar rush though. It will also taste exactly like this can of X Games Energy. It was fairly gross, and sour enough to make me pucker my lips as you've read above. I drank this as a little pick me up for a 9 hour drive home from Richmond, VA. It certainly kept me up and gave me the jitters, which is probably not something you want when you're driving that long. If you're carving up the sidewalks on a board though it might work just fine.

So there you have it. The flavor is not very good, but it's easy to replicate and you can shake slightly for several hours with a single can.

Are you tired of drinking the same old sparkling cherry drinks? Have they become old hat and boring to you? Well do we have something special for you! We're proud to introduce the sparkling alternative to sparkling cherry! It's fruity and sweet and....wait a minute...this isn't right...according to this drink/label the alternative to sparkling cherry is sparkling apple. All that is in this bottle is sparkling apple juice. According to the ingredients there isn't a drop of cherry juice or anything cherry related at all in here. That makes sense since this really just tastes like a high quality sparkling apple juice. There is no added sugar, like all juice drinks should be. It's really delicious, but the lack of a cherry flavor with a name like is has is off putting. I don't know if it's mislabeled or what, but WTF mate?

Okay, does this company have anything to do with the hip hop artist Pit bull? There is nothing about him on the can, or the website (that I saw), but the web address is www.hiphopbev.com. That makes me think that he is behind it, but I don't think he is. Come on Pit bull take a break from thinking about how you performed on the Super Bowl halftime show, and get at me with some answers to these questions. Okay, technically it's only one question.

This drink was surprisingly tasty. In a sea of energy drinks that all taste fairly similar, this one stuck out to me. It has a strong fruit juice flavor, albeit a little candied. It's very sweet, but not disgustingly so. Actually now that I think about it the flavor reminds me of blue Pixie Sticks if they tasted more like actual fruit. Maybe its flavor really isn't that far off from its competitors.

The can says, "Guaranteed no aftertaste." Apparently Pit Bull's word isn't worth very much because there is definitely an aftertaste to this drink. It's mild, fruity and sweet, but it still is an aftertaste. Do I get the fifty cents I paid for this drink back because of that botched guarantee? Apparently their word isn't worth much, as it has a fruity sweet aftertaste, albeit mild. Not too bad on the energy drink taste. Tastes like a blue pixie stick if it tasted closer to the real fruits

Bruce Cost never disappoints. They are a company that knows how ginger ale should be made. They don't bother with that pale dry nonsense. They start off with a solid base of real ginger, which gives the drink a slight burn, not too bad though as it is still a ginger ale and not a ginger beer. How often does one come across a ginger ale with real ginger in it? They all really should, but somewhere along the way "big-soda" phased it out and the smaller guys followed suit.

The addition of passion fruit juice to this soda does nothing but up the game. Bruce Cost doesn't play games. If they are going to use real ginger then they are also going to use real juice to flavor it. It's magic in a bottle. The final touch was to add some turmeric powder. Now I know that turmeric is as spice and I've witnessed it placed in many a spice rack. What I didn't know was that turmeric was actually ground up yellow ginger. You learn something new everyday. Since there is so much ginger in this drink I don't know if the turmeric just blended in with it, but I really couldn't taste it, or could?

I love stumbling upon regional "cheap" iced tea lines. I'm not talking about the low class giant jugs, but the kind that comes in little bottles or in cans. I came upon this little guy in a gas station in central Pennsylvania. At first it reminded me of a cheap version of the citrus Sweet Leaf. It was just a little less on the Ecto Cooler side of things. The more I drank the more it reminded me of a really cheap version of that same drink. The citrus lost it's charm and just started to taste generic and well...just there. It's also one of those drinks that uses HFCS, but cuts it with stevia to keep the sugar low. I always find that odd. If you're going to use stevia, why not also use cane sugar? Why only make half the effort? I enjoyed it and for $.89 you can't go wrong. After that first sip I just thought it might have been a nice substitute for the elusive Sweet Leaf.

Oh, I had left some in the can, and when I went to finish it about an hour later into my drive it was warm and absolutely disgusting. Make sure you drink this nice and cold.

Three things:

A. If your flavor has the word passion in it, I'm going to believe that it is passion fruit flavored. This doesn't have passion fruit in it, nor does it taste like it. Instead it has the traditional orange drink flavor of Tang.

B. I expected this to have an insane diet taste, but the mixing of the cane sugar and sucralose isn't bad at all. There isn't much diet flavor to it.

C. The only thing in it that makes it an energy drink is caffeine from guarana. I don't think that actually qualifies this as an energy drink. If it does, than Coke or Pepsi should also be considered.


Overall this isn't a bad drink. Sure the name of the flavor isn't very fitting, but I like the way it tastes. Also, they were able to keep the calories down without sacrificing too much of the taste. I can't argue with that.

Seriously folks, how many flavors does Arizona have? I feel like more and more pop up all the time, but then I remember them being around briefly years ago, then I'm shocked that we haven't already reviewed them. This is our 29th review of an Arizona product and it also officially makes it the most reviewed company we have (Cintron has 28 reviews). That's a lot of products for one company, and I'm sure there are a couple out there that we have still missed. After 29 reviews I can say one thing with certainty; If they had used cane sugar instead of HFCS in all of their drinks, they would probably be my favorite drink company of all time. Sure they used it in the Black & White Tea, but it's so rare that I can find it now, that it barely counts.

To make this drink you take 8 parts Arizona original green tea and add 2 parts pomegranate flavored concentrate. Even at that low of a ratio the syrupiness of the pomegranate is all I can taste, unless I really concentrate and try to find the green tea in there. Rereading that makes it sound really gross, well I guess it is in theory, but I kind of like the way this tastes. I like the way pomegranate tastes, and while I could do with more tea flavor, for the price you can't really complain.

Sometimes you find yourself taking a picture of some animal that is either a donkey or a antler-less moose standing in water at dusk. I think it's safe to say that if you ever find yourself in that position, things are going pretty good for you. Things are also going pretty good for you if you're sipping on a bottle of this soda.

Jones has so many flavors that I don't even know about. I had no idea they even made an orange cola until it showed up (with the lemon lime) at our local Big Lots. I was intrigued as the only orange cola I have previously had is Mezzo Mix, and I love the stuff.

The Jones version doesn't have as much orange as Mezzo Mix, but I'm okay with that. IT tastes like they took their normal cola (which leaves a little to be desired) and added just a bit of orange. You can definitely taste the orange, but the cola is the main force here. I like it. I love it. I want more of it.

Some of you may know that about five months ago Derek moved to Portland. You may have heard that he did so in order to open up a button/zine store. You my friends have fallen victim to a farce. The real reason Neuls Vern moved to the northeast was to train for UFC. Seriously, I'm not spreading false rumors here. You should see the before and after photos, it's intense. Our mind manner drink reviewer is now a monster who could very easily rip off your head (It only takes 7 pounds of pressure to rip off someone's ear, so home boy must be using a lot of weight to do this).

I got these sent to my home the other day, but it really should have gone to Thirsty Dudes West (officially Neulando Calrissian's side of business). He would be crushing these cans in one gulp before getting into the ring and kicking the ever loving crap out of other zinesters come professional fighters. He is a baby and hates diet stuff, so I don't know if he would like it. Who am I kidding he probably wouldn't even taste it, drinking a full 16oz can in one gulp and all. If he were to taste it he would note that it resembles a melted down melon Jolly Rancher (Do those exist outside of watermelon, which this is not?) if instead of being made with sugar it was made with sucralose. It's a pretty intense flavor, that I don' t think I would have enjoyed at all if it weren't diet. Real sugar would have made it unbearably sweet. Neuliana Hatfield is watching his weight these days though in order to get into a lower weight class. He really could have used this badboy. Oh, by the way, his fighting name is The All Things Ordinary Backstabber. I know it's long and doesn't really roll off the tongue, but if you have seen him lately you wouldn't argue with him.

After Mike's review of their Healthy Energy Orange I was dreading drinking this. He brings up all the time exactly how terrible that drink was. Today I took a deep breath and grabbed this bottle, as it is my duty as a Thirsty Dude to try any and all non-alcoholic drinks.

I don't know if Mike was crazy, or if their protein line is really that much different. This wasn't bad at all. It's the thickest drink I've ever had, but it's not bad. It tastes/feels like someone mixed some orange juice into a big bowl of fairly flavorless vanilla pudding. Yes, it is that thick. It pours slowly like molasses because it's so thick. It doesn't taste even remotely gross. If anyone had a complaint about this my money would be on them complaining about the consistency. One weird thing about the drink is that although it is not chalky, like a lot of protein drinks, it does dry your mouth out after you drink it. Strange.

Well FRS I am no longer afraid of you and I will be trying some more of your products in the relatively near future. I'll try to convince Mike to do the same.

Drinks that come in containers not normally associated with their type are always odd to me. This has been in my cupboard for a while and every few weeks I look at it, and it takes me a second to remember that it's not mango soda. While it may have confused me I appreciate the effort put into this bottle. It's neat, and I love the embossed “Boing!” on the bottle. The label is pretty great looking as well. Do you want to know something else? The juice inside the bottle isn't half bad either. It's more of a nectar than a juice, and that's how I like my mango beverages. It's thick and sweet, okay maybe a bit too sweet. I feel like the drink would have fared just fine without the added sugar. Oh well it's in there, and there's nothing I can do about that. Looks like I'll just have to kick back and enjoy it anyways.

Does anyone else out there find themselves at points in their lives where they just plain need a can of soda? It's not the sugar, or even the flavor that I'm really after. I just sometimes get this itch in the back of my throat and I know the only way I'll be able to appease it is with some carbonation.

At times like these I'm glad that Zevia is around. I usually don't want a sugary drinks at these times, and the stevia they use makes my scratching utensil that much healthier. Unlike most diet sodas they actually taste decent. The diet death taste of sucralose and aspartame are not present, just the cool sting of stevia (as Mike says).

The cola flavor in this leaves something to be desired, but the cherry flavor makes up for it. For a second I forgot that I was drinking diet pop, which I guess is the end game for most diet things. If the cola were a little better this would remind me of Cherry Coke.

In the world of all sodas, this would get a 2 or a 3 bottle rating from me. In the world of diet pop this is a 4 all the way.

I'm sorry your dessert has taken so long to get to you. As you may know this is our opening weekend and we did not expect to be this busy. Who would have known that this many people in the city would be interested in a vegan restaurant? We've been completely slammed, and it's great, but exhausting.

I know you ordered the mango peach soy ice cream, but what I didn't know was that the kitchen put it out for me to drop off to you, and I got caught up with another table. As a result it ended up melting, and unfortunately that was the last bowl of it we had left. I poured the melted mess into a glass for you, in case you still wanted it. I'll take that and your drinks off of the bill. I'm sorry again.

What's that you're offended that I would offer you soy ice cream melt? Well fine, maybe I will drink it myself! MMM…€¦this is actually really good. If I didn't know this was supposed to be frozen I would think this was a nice thick drink. Well, I guess it's not too thick, but thicker than most. You can really taste both of the fruit flavors in here. You two messed up royally by not accepting this. It's delicious and so darn smooth. I bet Silk could put this in cartons and it would fly off the shelves. Seriously, you don't know what you're missing you fools. Maybe next time you won't be so rude to your server and good things will come to you.

Cucumber drinks are incredible. They are tasty and as I've said in the past, the most refreshing drinks I've ever had. The thing is that it's the innards of the cucumber that is the tasty part. Sure, if you're eating cucumber slices the skin isn't bad, but there isn't much of it to make an impact. I feel like this drink is more cucumber skin than meat. That's right I referred to the insides of a cucumber as meat, what are you going to do about it? Anyways, it has a dirty skin taste that I'm really not into very much. I tried to tell myself I was alright with it, but after about half the bottle I had to throw in the towel. The flavor of the cucumber skin was just so strong. I couldn't handle it. You would think that a flavor as strong as pineapple would overpower the cucumber skin, but it took the back seat on this drink. If you can see through the skin you can make out the pineapple.

This is definitely a strange drink. It tastes like every health food is described in early 90's television. I wanted to like this. Nah, I wanted to love this, but I just couldn't do it. Had they skinned the cucumbers I think this would have been one of my favorite drinks ever, but as it stands this is for the diehard healthy eaters out there.

Do I win an award for saying “skin” so many times?

Earlier today I was making fun of a friend for drinking Mountain Dew before noon. I'll give them that it was diet Mountain Dew, but it's still soda right after you woke up and it's gross Mountain Dew on top of that. Later in the day I was on my way to a party at a friends house and I grabbed this to drink/help me get through a long week.
It wasn't until after I had took a sip until I realized that this was just the original Amp repackaged. Oh payback, you've gotten me again.

It basically tastes like they took their original Mountain Dew recipe and added some chemicals to give it a little “boost.” If you are a teenager and love Mountain Dew, you'd probably go crazy over this stuff. If you're a grown ass man, like myself, you will have realized that regular Mountain Dew is pretty gross and I would pass this one over.

The McCulley family had taken thief life savings and used it to purchase a farm. They were sick of working for “The Man,” and since they were getting older they decided it was time to do something for themselves. The previous owners had planted a huge orchard a couple of years ago and this was to be the first year the trees were to yield a useable fruit. They had such plans for all of the apples they would be harvesting in the Fall. The amount of juice and cider they were going to produce would be mind blowing.

Finally the seasons began to change and the fruit started appearing on the trees. The problem was that these trees weren't apple trees like they had expected. They were pear trees. Mr. McCulley was furious, but there was nothing he could do. You see he had never asked the realtor or the previous owner what kind of trees they were. He had just assumed they were apple trees because that's what he had in is mind, and he thought that assumption was going to end up being his downfall. What was he to do with so many pears? No one wanted pear juice, and there was only so much pear jam you could push in the market.

He had accepted that he had ruined his family's financial well-being. He was standing out in the orchard fighting back the tears, trying to decide how to tell his family that they were ruined when his wife walked up. Very quietly she just said, “Pears, huh? Looks like we're going to be making a bunch of sparkling juice.” How could he be so blind? Adding carbonation to any juice instantly gave it a slightly different flavor that was appealing to a great deal of people.

Once the harvest was ready they made up their first batch of sparkling pear juice. All they did was juice all of the pears and add sparkling filtered water to it, and they were good to go. Mr. McCulley gave it a sip and was pleased. It certainly tasted like pears, but it wasn't very overpowering like pears can be. It was very sweet, even though he had added no sugar to it. He hesitated to say it, but after a few more sips, he was sure that it was actually really good, great even. His family was saved! He sold off his batch to the R.W. Knudsen company and used the profits to invest in the stock market. There was no way that could be a bad investment for his family.