Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Oh my stomach. I can tell that I have not been eating well when it constantly feels like I have a brick in my stomach. I assume, and am probably wrong, that this is what the second trimester of pregnancy feels like. Just like a thing is in your stomach and you feel like you're going to take an award winning poop and all will be fine.

In order to sooth my stomach and my head, a generous coworker brought me a bag of this tea which I made immediately. I sat down and didn't expect what would happen next. Wait...let me try to make that a little more BuzzFeed.

I drank the tea for the first time. What happened next you won't believe.

Better. So I drank it and there it was. Just as promised. Ginger. Spicy, dirty ginger. I enjoyed this entire cup of tea because it was like I let a bottle of ginger beer go flat in the sun and then decided that I didn't want to waste money so I was going to drink it anyhow. It wasn't sweet but there was a bite with every sip regardless of how much I drank.

BuzzFeed, if you want to link to this review, I already wrote your headline and I don't think anything is spelled wrong so you don't need to edit it. I guess I'll just expect my check in the mail then, right? Thanks, guys.

Pete loves drink mix. It's a strange thing to love but something about the manufacturing of his own drink and turning powder into a delicious drink really made him happy. He grew up drinking Tang and Kool-Aid and has graduated to drinks that are better suited for a fully-fledged adult. He recently found a company that makes hibiscus tea with different flavors. It's a powder which was his one prerequisite but it also came in original, strawberry and ginger. He decided to give the strawberry a test to see if it was up to snuff.

He mixed it in an old water bottle, gave it a couple solid, vigorous shakes and gave it a try. It passed with flying colors. It was floral like a hibiscus should be but had some of the sweetness and fruitiness from the strawberry. It tasted like a juice made from hibiscus and strawberry. It was great. It passed the test and he bought a case; an excessive gesture for something that he had one serving of but he needed a change. Now if they only made food in powder he would be the happiest guy in the world.

Oh hazelnut. Who would have thought to combine you with chocolate and make such a wonderful combination? Can I think of hazelnut and not thing of Nutella? Nope. Who cares? I love the stuff. Why wouldn't it want the association? Oh, because it's its own man and can just be himself and not be associated with the likes of another? Who cares, you stupid nut. I'll eat you alone and I'll eat you all creamed up into a remarkable achievement that is a spreadable chocolate.

Hazelnut in a coffee energy drink? Look. Hazelnut does what hazelnut wants to do and what she wants to do is fraternize with coffee right now. As an energy drink, this is fine. Good for me actually because I drank half a can and didn't lose my mind with the shakes. All is not golden, though, friends. This is oddly creamy and slightly "diet" tasting. Can you deal with it? It didn't taste terrible. It just tasted like a diet coffee drink that someone mushed up some Nutella in. Is that such a bad thing? No. It's not. So it's got a little bit of a diet taste? Who cares? Leave it alone. It's just trying to be accepted as something more that "an ingredient used to make the best bread spread alive." What have you done lately? Nothing. Oh, right. That. We don't need to talk about that. I thought we were done with that.

Chili oil. Natures gag gift. Oh, is this regular oil? Uh, no. It's chili oil and you just got pranked. Now your mouth is on fire and I'm sitting back laughing. Now, so that everything is out in the open, here I give to you chili oil Ramune. Now you can know what you're getting into. Is it hot like that prank chili oil? Hardly, bro. Hardly. It is a light tickling and, if anything, kind of a refreshing burn similar to one you would get from a light ginger beer but with a fruity pop instead of a...well...ginger. This is a mix between a kids party pop and "I'm an adult and I'm too old for fun and I like to feel pain when I drink" drink. Where are you on the teeter-totter of life. Whatever spectrum you identify with, this has your bases covered. I just wish there was more pain. I guess I know what side I'm on.

Now, listen. You will be happy to know that this is not only a review for a strange and odd drink but it is a milestone. No it's not a sweet sixteen or a sweet sixty. That stuff is for the birds. This review that you are reading right now is, get ready for it. This review is Thirsty Dudes' 4,000th review. That's right. Four thousand. This is not Europe or whatever where they use commas for decimals points and we have reviewed four and no thousandths drinks. This is America and we idiotically use the standard system of measurement and that comma denotes that we have reviewed four thousands drinks. To celebrate we have provided you with a video that we blew our entire marketing budget on. Our marketing budget is, but should not be, zero dollars.



Thank you to all the fans and if you see us, shake our hands. We have done a lot of drinking and it wasn't all for us. It was for you, the people. The fans. The groupies. The dedicated followers of us, the Thirsty Dudes.

If you've ever seen the world famous Thirsty Dudes t-shirt, there is a monster, a royal one named Sir Durstig who has an endless thirst and is sitting upon a large pile of empty and crushed cans of assorted drinks. I feel like I could do a pretty spot-on impression of him with these drinks because they are so tiny I could destroy a dozen without flinching. As I approached the twenty mark I might feel some regret but I would push my way to the sweet spot which is thirty. That's right, 180 ounces and 2700 calories of juice. It's not even that it's the greatest juice I've ever had but it's the fact that it's so limited that it leaves me wanting more constantly.

You read that right. No. It is not the best juice I've ever had. It is good but it's not the best. When you start adding vegetables into drinks things can get a bit hairy. You can tell that it's a quality juice however because it actually tastes like the fruit it's talking about, vegetables and all.

What's holding it back? Eh, nothing really. It's good. I could give this to anyone and they would say the same thing. There's no sugar, including fake or alternative sweeteners to speak of so everything you taste is a natural taste. Way to go, True Brew. You guys have your priorities in the right place.

Does this deserve to be in the "other/weird" category? No but it's not milk, it's not an energy drink. It's not a juice. It's not sparkling or gelatinous or really much of anything. It tastes like a watered down soy milk. Maybe an almond milk because I do get a bit of "nut" to it much like you would with an almond milk. In that case, take a ten ounce glass of almond milk and use water to stretch it out to fill a sixteen ounce glass because it's what the customer wants and the customer is always right. Well in this case, they're both "right" and "getting wronged" since they aren't getting 100% of what they asked for. Where is said customer going and asking for a horchata, by the way?

First sip and this is strange. I thought it was going to be a bit thicker but it's quite, well, thin. Second is that there is a trace amount of fruit brought to you by your good friend, the date. This is not terrible but I've had different horchata and had certain expectations. Perhaps the stuff I drank was garbage and this is closer to the real thing? I also thought there was cinnamon in there for some reason. If there was, this may have gotten a better review. For now, I guess the original is a bit beige. Perhaps a good base in which to add things to. Tofu by itself is kind of boring but add some spices and seasoning and it's a totally different animal. Ahh the elusive tofu bird. A delicious creature.

Steve, I need to make a change in my life. I need to calm down with the burgers and go organic. We have been eating like garbage for decades so we need a change. What've you got there? If it's organic, I'll slam it. That's going to be my new mantra going forward. I'll eat anything organic. That's healthy, right? I mean, it's organic.

What is this? Is this organic? You know my new rule. Is this grapefruit beer? Marquis? What's that? You're saying this isn't it? I'm looking at the ingredients and this isn't alcoholic but man it tastes like it is. It's a little bitter and tastes really diet. It certainly is "Citrus" but that's a bit of a vague flavor, don't you think?

You know what? You can have organic hamburgers, right? Alright, hand me one of those. Maybe I don't need to go so "cold turkey" on everything. I might go half junk food and half organic. That will naturally put me right in the middle, right? Cool. Give me that burger, dude.

I enjoy watermelon. I enjoy pineapple. I enjoy a nice fruit salad in the summertime. I enjoy that Big Shot took the time to put two summertime classics together but in typical Big Shot fashion, it's just garbage pop.

Look, New Orleans. Get it together. You've got a lot going for you. Musically you are a wonderful place. Foodically you are a wonderful place. Leave it at that. Drinks can go to someone else. You don't need to have your hands in everything. You're bound to just spread yourself too thin.

This tastes like sharp candy and not like fruit. It tastes like if you had a generic watermelon and generic pineapple mix, said to yourself, "Oh, that would be interesting." and then went ahead and made it. No thought. Just two flavors that sounded good on paper put together and pushed out to the masses. Anyone who can finish this deserves equal part insane asylum invitation and badge of honor. You can't have both because the badge is sharp and you could hurt yourself and we don't want that.

I know you, brah. I know that you've always asked yourself, "Oh, hey. I wonder what it would be like to drink orange juice that has been sitting in a jar of pennies overnight." Well my dumb friend, I've got it. This tastes like if you drank a bad orange juice and ate aluminum foil at the same time. This tastes like you drank orange juice and chased it with licking a nine volt battery.

What better way to start off a week than with a kind of slimy sausage, egg and cheese on a croissant and an iced coffee drink? Well, for starters, don't get the croissant because you knew it wasn't going to be good and second don't start off by going to the police station to retrieve a police report on an accident you were in over the weekend. That's how. I suppose that this drink may make my week start off a little bit better. Why? Well, it's not too bad, that's why. It was also served with a smile that felt sincere so that always helps.

This drink? Much of the same but the hazelnut flavor was pretty prominent. No, it didn't taste like Nutella which is partially what I wanted it to taste like but it also didn't really taste like coffee too much either. I'm so/so on that one. I wish that I had gotten my iced fudge almond thing but I saw a new drink and had to review it. Such is my life, right? Was this good? Yeah. It was good but slushie drinks in the morning are kind of, well, gluttonous. It was sweet and cold. It would have made a nice closer to my day rather than an opener. I'm planning things all wrong today now that I'm finishing this review. I might be off on a bad foot.

Shane, let's take a trip. You and I have been working hard and deserve a trip. Why do we work and save if we can't enjoy our savings? What inspired this? I drank some of this coconut water and now I've got a taste for the tropics. I want the sun. I want the sand. I want it all. I know it's not going to be a cheap trip but what's the fun of saving all that money and never spending it. I know you like to be cautious but there comes a time where you have to give in a little bit. Here, try some of this see if you can see where I'm coming from.

Can't you just taste the sunshine? It's great. Look. It's coconut water but that's all it is and I'm giving credit where credit's due. No preservatives. No sugar. No...I don't know…€¦enriched vitamins and minerals? I bet if I plucked a coconut off a tree and put it in the fridge and came back later, cracked it open and drank it, this is what it would taste like. It's a good coconut flavor with no bells and whistles.

What do you say? Should we book the trip? I think we should. No, not Florida, something sandier. More palm trees. Hawaii. Yeah. That's right. Let's go to all the scenes from Andy Sidaris movies.

You know what? We don't have time to work out today, Fred. Let's just drink these protein drinks and play video games instead. No, I know you have a routine and today was "legs" but you can do legs tomorrow. Today we've got things to do in this game. It's raining and I don't want to go outside. I bought these the other day and thought that we could load up on the necessary proteins that we need to get ripped.

Fred...this is strange. Does it taste like if you ate a crayon and it tasted like chocolate? I mean, it's not too gritty and it's pretty smooth, the way I like a chocolate milk to be but something in here is throwing me off. No, I didn't mean...Fred. I didn't mean throw me off the cliff in this game. You're wasting my guys. I know we used cheat codes for infinite guys but it's still annoying.

What is it in this drink? I mean we've been drinking it for ten minutes and it was pretty decent when it started but as it began to warm up, it got a little strange. You can taste the Stevia more and it regrows the "bad protein" flavors back that it didn't have when it was really cold. If "new car chocolate" was a flavor, this would be it.

Stop throwing me off cliffs, Fred! I guess I deserve it since I'm just talking about this drink and not crushing guys like you. How did you get so good at this game? Have I been talking for that long? Man, I must be in the zone, chief.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We have done it. We have compressed all that you love about apples and turned it into a liquid that closely resembles that of its original, solid form. Please hold for applause. We have some more explaining to do. We've taken apples, actual apples and compressed them down until their poor skins cannot contain their contents any longer and when that happened, we compressed even more to release the sweet nectar of the apple. Then we added a little bit of sugar, you know, for fun.

Now, and only until now, can you applaud and get in line to shake the hand at the scientists that we gave massive amounts of money at to develop this master beverage. Why isn't anyone clamoring to allow these scientists, these masters of men, to impregnate their wives and determine the worthiness of their very being? I'm sorry sir, what did you say? Apple juice exists? Surely you jest. This has never been done before. What do you mean that baby has some? Baby, come here. Give me your bottle. Oh, you're very cute. Thank you. I promise I will not drink your entire bottle. I am a scientist, not a monster.

Huh. Well. This is a bit humiliating. It appears that this drink which you peasants call "apple juice" does exist and is readily available. It appears we have not only wasted your time calling you out of your homes and work, but have also wasted tens of thousands of dollars on developing something that all of you are more than familiar with. Perhaps us scientists should stop working in caves and go outside into the sunshine and fraternize with the people to find out what they really want. Our bad.

I am aware of the fact that this is a tremendously generic photo and there is nothing I can do about that short of take a picture of the dispenser I received the drink from. Taking that with a grain of salt, this drink is better than you would presume. It is slightly spicy like you would expect a Mexican Hot Chocolate. If you haven't had it, please find some. It is hot chocolate, which is delicious, mixed with some spices like cinnamon and some peppers so it's equal parts spicy and herby. Herby? Eh, I'll accept it.

Another little tidbit of information that you might like to know is that society and generosity is not dead. Why would drinking a Mexican hot cocoa mean that? It doesn't. What does is that I forgot my wallet and was about to dump this down the drain along with my limited amount of happiness but a woman at the counter saw me do "the pat" against my pants and knew what was up. She bought it for me and I was eternally grateful. Seriously, I do nice things for you people all the time and it rarely comes back. I don't ask for it, but I'm silently counting to myself and the chart points at me being a real super guy and you at being the equivalent of human garbage.

Dude, are you going to the EDM festival at the abandoned amusement park across the country? You're not? That's dumb. It's only $350 plus airfare plus you get to sleep in a cold field with like thirty thousand other people who won't shower for four days. You get to eat carnival food, pay eleven dollars for a small bottled water, and see four really good acts, ten good acts, sixteen acceptable acts and fourty-eight terrible acts. You know who's going to be there? Moby. He's coming out of hibernation.

I can't believe it. After that fantastic sales approach I just gave you, you are going to stay where you are? Moby is in your house? After all these years you didn't tell me that he's coming over? I've got a fresh copy of "Play" on vinyl I'd love to have him sign. He's in your fridge? Dude you are getting weird. Oh, it's his tea. Now we're back to a regular comfort level. How is it? Good? It's a half and half? It's a half and half green tea? Oh, that's cool. And it's sweet? How sweet? Not that sweet? Moby: good at music and good at tea. He's the modern day Renaissance Man. I bet he can fix a car. He seems like the kind of dude that could secretly fix a car. So it's a half and half; go on. It has a slight lemonade taste with no pulp but a good bite. That sounds awesome.

You know what, man. I don't have a lot of money saved up. Maybe we can just get a case of this stuff, put on some Music for the Jiltered Generation, and just play video games rather than me go to that festival. Sure, it would be fun but I don't have the time or the money for that thing.

Never in my life have I said, "I need more magnesium." I'm not a heath teacher so I'm not entirely sure what magnesium does. Is it good that I have increased my intake to the maximum required daily dose in such a short period of time? Is something going to happen to me? Something good, I hope. Titanium and palladium kind of sounds like magnesium. Perhaps I'll become like a poor man's Midas where everything I touch turns to a cool metal.

Atop becoming the man behind the silvers, this drink also provides me with a pretty good mango flavor but in small doses. There is a strongness that this drink has and it's not the flavor. The flavor is good. As far as mango drinks go, this is great. There is something else in there that tastes both sour and sweet. It is completely drinkable, let it be known, but it is not going to go without a solid amount of "jazz faces."

If you don't play an instrument and feel the need to make a jazz face, this is the drink for you. If you know what magnesium does and you feel the need to get more of it, this is the drink for you. If you like mango and still like to see what happens when you bite into a lemon, you guessed it. This is the drink for you. Plus it comes in an adorable five ounce metal can and that is pretty cool. What isn't cool is that this is a supplement drink so to get the full effect, you would probably have to drink a regiment of these and that could get costly. If you, for some strange reason, need an instant dose to put you over the top of your magnesium quota, it's there for you.

At first, I had to double check this because it smells like something alcoholic. It also is deceiving since it tastes half as strong as it smells. I'm trying to come up with an example of something that is half as strong as it smells and it's a really gross thought. Someone must be really smelly or really weak to have that ratio work.

Citrus Berry? Alright. It should be switched since it's berrier than it is citrus but it's all there so I'm not complaining. It's lightly carbonated, too and isn't too bad. It's considered a "Focus" drink but it's giving me the jitters like an energy drink would. Do people take cocaine to concentrate? Isn't that an "upper?" Shouldn't weed help you concentrate since you are calm? I don't know anything. I do know that although I might be cranking through this review because my hands are moving faster than my mind will let me go. If there was no backspace key, this review would be a pile of garbage. I suppose it's letting me focus on this lightning fast cursor tear across the screen as I write a review on the drink that's making me speedy. Is that what the kids call "meta." Kids, stop supplementing and go outside. Always on those drugs. Calm down. I need some water.

Coconut water; I don't know what I like and I'm not sure what I don't like about you. I think the stuff I like might have some sugar in it. This is a little sweet but you can tell that it's "naturally" sweet and not sweetened with anything. No, I am not just reading the ingredients. I am tasting it and making an evaluation. You think I base everything off the ingredients? Sometimes I don't even read them. I just go by the seat of my pants and hope for the best.

Coconut water. This is naturally sweetened but it's also, I feel, very strong. If you are on the fence about coconut water, this might not be the place to start. There are weaker coconut waters out there which I needn't name. If you love coconut, which a lot of you do, this is going to be a fantastic treat for you. I suppose I just need to put everyone in buckets. Call me a racist, but if categorizing people by the way they like their coconut, then I'm a regular David Duke.

Chocolate pop sounds like it would be a good idea right? Well it is rarely good. Having drunk a couple of them in my day, I can say that it's strange first, and "just alright" second. It's not bad but it feels like something that just shouldn't be. This, though. What would you think of if I gave you this? You've got not only chocolate but maple and everyone's clichè favorite food bacon in it. Now look. You've got to be some sort of madman to think this was going to be great. Are you a madman? I did not think so.

You taste the chocolate pop in this. It's not like a chocolate really. If there was, and there probably is, chocolate candy that isn't actually milk or dark chocolate, that is the chocolate that is used. Something about the way real chocolate melts is smooth and nice. This is sharp and sweet. You do not get bacon but you do get a bit of a salty chocolate. I really searched for it when I drank it. Jay did the same as you can see in the video below. It just tastes salty. The maple might be in the tail end of the drink when the salt and "chocolate" calms down.

All in all, it's not fantastic. Seems like a better gag-gift than an actual drink. They probably don't make too many of them so I'm sure they aren't losing their shirts at Real Soda putting everything they have into a really niche drink.

Want to see what Jay and I thought with the "help" of my jerk kid? Welp, here you are, friend:

Next to plain water, this might be the simplest drink ever. Also, it's pretty fantastic. Lastly, this drink single handedly lets me know why real maple syrup is like eight dollars an ounce. This is just maple water. If you tapped a tree, this is what would come out. Nothing else is in this, it's just one ingredient. "Maple sap" and that's it. It also tastes faintly of maple syrup. "Essence" if you will. Therefore, the fact that you have to boil this down to get dark, sweet maple syrup blows my mind. This I would absolutely drink again because it's nothing like what you would think. Like I said, it's only a hint of that delicious syrup. It holds back like a nice, Catholic girl with a killer body. You know she could kill you with one flutter of her eye but she decides to hide behind the book. That's why we have prostitutes and pure maple syrup, so we can get our fix immediately for a price.