Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Remember when you wanted to start the day drinking something healthy and you decided that it was too gross to deal with so while you let a five dollar bottle of juice rot in the morning sun, you bought something that has the word "Oreo" in it to wash the foul taste of "health" out of your mouth? Yeah. Happens all the time, right?

At McDonald's, they have a chocolate chip Frappe that has bits of chocolate chips in the drink. They are men of their words, those McDonald's bros. Tim Horton's? I cannot say the same thing. Oreo crumbles atop some whipped cream atop a regular iced cappuccino? That's insufficient. You didn't make anything as much as spill something over a regular drink and lazily call it something else. You don't have vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce on it and call it caramel iced cream, do you?

It's almost hard to rate this because it's such a lazy attempt at something that would otherwise have been pretty good but I'll give it a go. You like iced cappuccinos from Tim Horton's right? Cool. You'll love this. You know what would be cool? To sprinkle Oreo crumbles on top as a garnish. Who could complain about that? No one. Oh, no. That's not an Oreo iced cappuccino, it's just a regular iced cappuccino with Oreo's on it. It taste like coffee, is cold, and has whipped cream with Oreo crumbs on it. Period.

Darren, what are you doing? I don't think that's how it works, man. You can't just not eat vegetables for a month and drink a green juice to try and facilitate your body's lack of proper vitamins and minerals. Can I have a sip? Bleh! I would rather eat vegetables every day like a normal person than drink a bottle of this. It just tastes like someone juiced up vegetables and is making you drink that. Do you remember when Sally had her jaw wired shut because of some jaw alignment issues and she didn't have anything to eat or drink for like two weeks? This would be perfect for her but you are an able bodied man and have the ability to actually eat food. Yeah, I know they claim there is an apple and lemon in there but they also claim to have seventeen kale leaves, one whole pound of spinach, and a handful of other stuff in there so one apple isn't quite cutting it.

Is something wrong with eating peas? You're in your late twenties and although you don't like to be reminded, you have to eat your vegetables, dude. There really isn't any way around that. This is not a solution to anyone's problem. Anyone who would drink this would already be eating vegetables and doesn't need to be binging on them anymore. Strange demographic Trader Joe's. Terrible choice Darren. Terrible choice.

We've come a long way, coconut. From the days of only eating them by way of Mounds candy bars through the coconut shavings on ice cream and now coconut flour and coconut cream pie; Quite a versatile man. Now sure, in liquid form you're better cold but this drink was room temperature and it was pretty great.

It was a little sweet but don't let the "0 Calories" tag discourage you because this is fantastic and doesn't taste diet at all. It also does not taste like coconut water or a coconut milk. It's more a water with coconut flavoring than a coconut base. It tastes like a liquid, fizzy version of a candied coconut. This makes me want to buy a giant bag of dried, candied coconut and just house the whole thing. No sharing. No way. No how. All mine. I'll eat coconut and drink this sparkling coconut water and no one bother me.

Oh, you're right. I shouldn't have the whipped cream on top of this. Do you remember that time we went to that fancy restaurant, I got a small vanilla ice cream and diarrhea ran rampant? What a night? Good thing I had workout pants in the trunk of my car. What a mess. This drink is good without it, though. Oh, I got the...what is this called, frozen mocha coffee. Isn't it implied that mocha is coffee? It seems a bit redundant.

This is good, though hardly mocha, if you ask me. I don't get a lot of coffee. Last night when I said I was coming to bed, I've got to come clean about something. I have been catching up on Party of Five. I just never got around to it. I stayed up way too late and thought this might give me some pep but this seems like more of a chocolate Icee than a coffee and chocolate Icee. It's not quite coffeeless, a made up word, but it's precariously on the edge of being so.

I'm having order regret, though. I kind of wish I had gotten the whipped cream and suffered the consequences. I think that if I had stirred it in and made a whipped mocha coffee drink, it would have thickened it up and been something more substantial. Look, I'm not complaining, but I'm always looking to enhance my experiences, you know. I've got to say, this is a great second date. It would have been a shame if I got diarrhea again. Let's end this one on a solid note. Ha. Remember when I was talking about poop and then I talked about something being "solid." Ha. Good one, me.

I know people, adults, who drink copious amounts of Arizona Arnold Palmer. Copious. Too much. Yeah, I'll say it. Too much. Iced tea and lemonade or as it's nicknamed, "Half & Half" is great when you've got great ingredients. A good lemonade and a good sweet tea are some of the simplest drinks to make. Ready? For both there are only four ingredients and two of them overlap and one of those is water. Water, sugar, black tea, lemon. Done. There is more in this and you can tell because it has a strange viscosity. Not a common complaint among us Thirsty Dudes but this was an iced beverage that somehow never managed to taste iced. It just tasted like a twenty percent thick Arizona Arnold Palmer.

If I had my druthers, and this would most certainly not be the voice of the masses, I would have just used Dunkin' Donuts' sweet tea because it's pretty great. The lemonade, I don't know if Dunkin' sells it but they theoretically could and just do everything in house. I don't get the need for the "Arizona" registration mark unless Arizona is supplying the, presumably, syrup that is dastardly ruining this otherwise good drink.

This drink is not what you want it to be and is let down by the demand for name dropping and laziness. There. I said it. Sorry, America.

I don't know what relaxing about struggling to stay awake. I drank maybe about 50% of a serving and all I want to do is sleep. That's not relaxing. I wish you could see me type. Every other word needs to be deleted and respelled because my hands are so tired. You know when you close your eyes for a second and wake up like thirty seconds later and you don't know what's going on. That feeling is this in a bottle.

How does it taste? Diet. It's not good. The limited ingredients make whatever magic in here that much more potent. I'm telling you. I wish you could see me struggling. I'm mad at myself for drinking it because now all I want to do is sleep. It's twenty to eight at night and I might have to just call it for the day.

This is the last day that I'm working in this office. I'm excited. Bigger and better things. Same job, same position, different office. On my last day here, I got a decent sandwich from a gas station I frequent and this little drink. The sandwich took forever, I was reminded why the lady behind the counter blows, and kissed that place goodbye for a while.

This drink, unlike that turd behind the counter, wasn't half bad. It tasted like blueberry and lacked the crud that acai often brings with it. It had a little bit of the bitterness from the Erythritol and coffee fruit but not enough for it to be penalized.

Goodbye gas station. Hello energy.

Thin and doesn't go well with chocolate. Not a fantastic tagline but a true one. Look, I'm working on a website that sells products to minibars and I've been looking at candy and snacks all day and now I've got a hankering for like every snack known to man. So here I am, snacking my life away and drinking this. I am not reviewing this as a chaser to chocolate but as a fair warning, this is not to be drunk with chocolate.

Alone and by itself, this is fine but on the low end of the spectrum for lemonade. I think they put it in that category because they had to put it somewhere. It's got no pulp, no bite, and if anything, just some sourness to it. It doesn't taste like an energy drink, which is good, but aside from that, not a lot of honey, which is half the name. It kind of smells like bubble tea, which is strange but should be noted. It's got a bit of a crap-drink bite to it but that subsides pretty quickly so I'm only slightly notching it for that.

Now I get back to peanuts, chocolates, candy bars, and the like. It's not the worst site I've worked on but looking at it makes me oh so hungry. OH SO HUNGRY!

Ahh summertime. Hot dogs raining from clouds made of hamburgers. The air filled with the scent of noodle salad and freshly cut grass. That's what summer is all about. I found something we can add to the mix and it is this drink. Watermelon cucumber? Are you kidding me? Summer, dude. Well, I don't know if people are making...wait...I'm on to something...pizza...where the pizza is a slice of watermelon and the pepperoni is cucumber...Mike, you're a genius. I'd like to patent pend this, please, if you don't mind. I'll be right back, hold on.

I just got back from the patent office and you can't patent the idea of putting vegetables on fruit for some reason unless you sell it as a product which I don't have the energy for but if you'd like to take it and run with it, I ask for ten percent of all sales.

Why should this be another staple in summertime drinking? Watermelon is a limited time, summer fruit. Ever eat watermelon in winter because it blows. Cucumber is fine year 'round but teamed up with his (or her) friend watermelon. BAM! Summertime Emeril style. Great watermelon taste with a light cucumber aftertaste all while not having to deal with any syrupy garbage. What more could you ask for? Oh, the hot dogs from the burger clouds are spoiling in the street? Yeah, but it cut down on your dog food spending, didn't it? Not so bad after all.

Jay and I are not fine food eaters. We do not tuck our napkins in our shirts when we eat. Heck, I don't even use napkins. When we go out, we just go real easy. We don't always necessarily go "safe" but we take what's there. We are not beggars nor are we choosers.

Today, our adventure to an island that did not prove to be as "great" as it claimed to be and out plans went south so we had to make other arrangements. Those arrangements? Taco Bell, Trader Joe's, and Guitar Center. When we go, we go big and get fun new varieties of Mountain Dew and I got this, a Freeze. I haven't been to Taco Bell in a while but this is a new thing that they most certainly did not invent, as it's just a Slurpee. Vanilla Dr. Pepper, though. That is something. It's not exactly my highly desired cherry chocolate Dr. Pepper but it's something. So how "something" was it? It was just something, really. Perhaps not enough vanilla. Sure a Dr. Pepper Slurpee is wonderful but I would have liked a little bit more vanilla, you know, because it's what I ordered.

We made the most after other people decided to turn their Memorial Day into a Memorial Extended Weekend. You work at a music store. Aside from people murdering Stairway every twenty-five minutes, you've got it pretty easy.

Mixing this and mixing that, powder and concentrates, frozen or thawed. Everything. Who needs fruit when you can get something in concentrate? Remember when people looked at the future and they said everything would be in pill form? I feel like no one cares about flavor in the future. It's just vitamins and minerals crammed into a pill that tastes like chalk. This mix doesn't taste like chalk. It tastes pretty good. I would eat a pill that tastes like this but that would be a dumb action because I can just drink it and get some actual enjoyment. I can spend time with the flavor.

Country Time is something that we grew up with. Tea, lemonade, and I think juice. Did they make juice? I don't remember. Lemonade mostly. This is a nice mix. It doesn't really taste like a mix, mixes well and doesn't leave any unmixed remnants, and doesn't taste diet while still retaining a low calorie count. It is sour like lemonade would be but doesn't have a strong bite. It tastes like lemonade but doesn't feel like lemonade. The tea is a pretty standard sweetened tea, not a sweet tea, which is fine. Unless you're making sweet tea, you can almost do whatever you want to tea. Those are my rules and guidelines about tea.

I've had about three glasses of it and like it. I certainly hope that someone helps me drink the pitcher that I made so I don't guiltily drink the whole thing but if they don't, I can stretch it out. You stretch it out with some friends. Make a mix. Make a pitcher of mix for you and friends.

This should be addressed as it's staring me right in the face; Elvira looks fantastic on this bottle. She's her standard, sexy vampiress, but she's wearing this one-piece leotard slash bathing suit and looks like she should be in a White Snake video. Elvira, you look great, as always.

"Great" unfortunately does not describe this drink. Black cherry is unfortunately one of those drinks I have to just lump into the "forever mediocre" fruit pop category. Fruit pop is only as good as good and is never exceptional. This is no different. It's thick and kind of reminiscent of a cough syrup because of it. It doesn't taste medicinal but has the syrupiness of one.

Elvira, you keep up the good work. Whatever you're doing works. It works very well. This pop though, you can leave this in your dust.

Basketball star Wayne Cruddish could not manage to get a sponsor. No one was knocking down his door trying to get him to endorse their products. No one wanted a custom Cruddish shoe. No one bought his jersey. No one was interested in a Cruddish cereal. It's not that he was a bad player. He was actually quite good. He scored a lot of baskets and his coach and teammates loved having him on the team. He wasn't bad looking and always gave to charity and shared his wealth with his community. Everyone liked him but no one wanted his face on anything for some reason. That was until he heard a knock at the door.

He walked to the door and a man with dark glasses said, "King Mills" would like to see you, sir." and Wayne obliged. Just then, a limo pulled up, a red carpet rolled out up to the front door and a short man barely if at all five feet tall hopped out of the car. He looked at Wayne, nodded his head to the man at the door and the man gave Wayne a document. Wayne asked what it was and the man said that the king had chosen him to endorse their iced coffee from Hawaii. Wayne said he had never heard of the drink and the man with the glasses went back to the car, got a can, and brought it to him to drink. Wayne took a nice, big drink and thought for a moment. Wayne told the king that he liked the drink and would be happy to endorse it. He liked that it was smooth, had a rich coffee taste and wasn't too sweet. He appreciated the fact that it was made with real sugar and that the coffee was Hawaiian. He said that he could tell there was a little diet in there but that sucrose was better than aspartame so he shook the king's little hand, signed the document and made the deal.

The man with the glasses went back to limo, opened the trunk, and got two cases of the iced coffee and handed them to Wayne along with a check for $87. He said that he will receive check like that every month as well as a case each month that he endorses the product. Wayne thanked him and closed the door. He was not an endorser of products that he always wanted.

Darling, you look parched. Allow me to fulfill my boyfriendly duties and get you something to drink.

Man, there is nothing to drink in here. It's like a college kids fridge in here. How many ketchups and mustards do you need? Cripes. This milk expired two weeks ago. I don't even now what there is in here besides new beer and old spaghetti and pizza. Alright, what do we have here. Oh, alright. Apple juice. Let me grab a cup here...all absolutely filthy. Now I've got to wash a cup. This is turning into quite a tall order. Oh...oh fantastic. There is enough for half a glass. I can't give her this. What else is in this kitchen. Oh! Iced tea mix. Awesome. I'll just mix half a glass of that in here and have a special little treat.

Here you go, honey. I did the best I could because you are the best I could ask for. What do you mean you don't like it? Let me try it. Yeah, it tastes just like this stuff I drank when I went on vacation with an old girlfriend to Hawaii called Aloha Apple Iced Tea. It's just apple juice and iced tea. You really don't like it? It's better than the PBR's you've got in the fridge. Jesus, Cathy. You're thirty four and your fridge looks like you're a poor undergrad. I had nothing to pick from and I didn't think that ten thirty while watching The View was a good time to crack a cold one. I was wrong? You know what, Cathy? I, too, don't think that this is working out. Give me that glass. I put too much work into this for you to not appreciate it. This drink is like a mirror for this relationship. Enjoy your toga parties, O.A.R. shows, and keg stands. Oh, and I don't think that it's attractive that you walk around all the time without shoes and socks. I think that it's disgusting and when you touch your dirty feet against me at bed I've never felt so dirty in my entire life.

"Twisted" might be an understatement. The contortionist that your tongue becomes while drinking this drink is enough to make a circus performer get queasy. It's one of the strangest hot teas I have ever drank and reminds me of when I drank chai for the first time. Is it spicy? Is it sweet? Who knows? Who cares, really since it's so good, sometimes. I like the no-milk chai way more than the milky chai. This is on a different plane all together.

I think the base of this is an herbal tea since it's a black, hibiscus tea. Then all hell breaks loose with ingredients like licorice, lemon, blackberry leaf, vanilla, and rosehip. There are more ingredients than that but it's just a constant jumping from one to another like the guy in Pitfall jumping from rope to rope trying his hardest to not make it into those pesky crocodile's mouths. So pesky. This tea is sweet which some people won't like but I didn't mind because I like Stevia and it's faint enough that it's not overpowering. It's far from a sweet tea and if anything is just being added as a flavor rather than a sweetener. Man, those crocodiles. Much pesky. So wow. Very rope swing.

I have been in Florida for the past five days and I have not done any reviews. I apologize but it wasn't for lack of trying. Where I was wasn't exactly "bodega friendly" and everywhere I went had stuff we already did. To my surprise, when I went to Wendy's to get a strawberry tea they had this little number. Sure, I wish this was a blackberry tea and not blackberry lemonade but I was hot and needed to cool down with something. This was a good choice but a choice I probably won't make again. Why? Well every sip was very sweet and that's just part of the lemonade. She is naturally a sweet beast and Wendy's "medium" is too large and that is a lot of sugar to ingest. The lemonade was nice, though and the blackberry was quite present in every sip. You could see some "stuff" at the bottom (sugar and lemon bits), which is always good when it comes to lemonade.

My thirst was quenched and my temperature dropped but blackberry tea it was not. I know it's not what I ordered but with every sip I wish that it existed. Wendy's if you're reading this, whatever you do to extract the blackberry to put in the lemonade, put it in the tea, too. Your strawberry tea is now a staple every time I go there. The blackberry would instantly and surely surpass that.

Our nation is in complete disrepair and although I'm not blaming it on the food industry, they aren't helping. Cutting corners has led to a fatter nation and the fact that this drink calls itself "Naturally Flavored Sparkling Mountain Spring Water" and contains 3% juice is not even worth mentioning. It's almost like you're eating the food that your child made you using their foam bread and plastic lettuce, pickles, and tomatoes. If you were wondering why America is so fat, you can easily sum it up with one word: Capitalism.

Faux food aside, this at least tastes good. It's zero calories and quite flavorful. It's pretty sharp and only quasi-diet tasting. It's sweetened with sucralose but apple juice is ahead of that so they're at least trying. This is cherry is pretty good but the limeade is kind of missing. I think that whatever is happening, namely the sucralose, is cutting into the flavor of limeade.

Everything is fake and we're now trying to find out what is the best of the worst. This isn't bad. On a diet or hate calories? This isn't bad. It's like a slightly less thick cherry pop.

Can you sign my petition? For what? Can't you read? It's to increase awareness about passion fruit. No, not the passion for fruit. Passion fruit. The fruit called passion fruit. Yeah, I know you've heard of it but people aren't eating it enough. It's not enough places and it's not used enough. Sure you get something here or there but look at mangoes. Those guys are in salsas and dips and ice cream and everything. They're from the same places. You don't think that passion fruit chutney would be as good as mango chutney? That's right you do. So sign this petition. You know what? I thought you'd say that. I thought you would say that you have to try it again. That's what this is all about. Everyone knows what an apple tastes like. I want passion fruit to be the next apple. Here you go. We were sponsored by this Hawaiian company that makes really good passion fruit juice. Here's a cup of it to sample.

What did you think? Good, right? Yeah. What do you like about it. It's sweet, right. Floral, yeah. Yeah, this is a juice and not a nectar, so you're not going to get any of the seeds or grit that you might be used to. It's really good, right. It tastes like a passion fruit. Why didn't I just give you a slice of passion fruit? Well they're hard to find here because supermarkets don't stock them like they should. Our petition requires that supermarkets have at least one case of passion fruits in stock at all times. We hope that this encourages people to buy them, try them, love them, tell their friends, and spread the good word about our friend, the passion fruit.

What do you mean you won't sign it? You liked it, didn't you? Yeah, so why won't you sign it. Really, come on, lady. You're really going to buy a mango smoothie right in front of me like that? I guess it's our fault for holding this rally next to a smoothie stand that doesn't carry passion fruits. You know what, guys? Pack it in. We're done here.

Daryl, this chocolate is great. Most chocolate is great but we need to step it up. No one wants regular "mom and pop" chocolate forever. We've made our name at this farmer's market by making quality chocolate but we need to step it up. The people have spoken and they are bored. Let's get something that figuratively punches them right in the face. Something different. Something to set us apart. Something like...pickles! No. That's gross plus the vinegar from the pickles will mix with the milk from the chocolate and provide nothing but an instantly spoiled mess. What else? Candy inside chocolate is hackneyed. Cereal? Bleh. No thanks. What else. Oh, I've got an idea, hold on a sec.

Look at these. Chilis from Sharon over there. I gave her a chocolate bar and she gave us a handful of chilis. If we mince these up, boil them down and extract the flavor and heat, we could cook it with the chocolate and have spicy chocolate. Yeah, I know it's been done before but I think that people here at this market would appreciate a little pain with their pleasure. Look at that old lady over there. You know she needs a little kick in the pants. Let's do it. I just want to try it first here in its raw format. Oh, Daryl, this is something else. Try this, dude. Wait...where are you going?

Where did you go? Is this a cup of tea? Thanks man, I appreciate...wait...what is this? This is a liquid version of what we just made. This is a packaged tea? Good Earth made this? It's...it's just like what we made. It's spicy and has a pretty strong chocolate taste with a hint of Stevia which we don't use but is actually pretty good in this tea.

So what do we do? We still pursue it, right? It's still a good idea. We need to change it up. Using this tea as a model, we will make fantastic new chocolate bars. Thanks, Daryl. You're a good partner. Let's try to think of other things we can concoct. Broccoli? Gross. Farm fresh eggs? No. Daryl, do you want this or not?

Well what do we have here? Is this an energy drink that is made from truly "all natural" ingredient and doesn't taste like someone poured sugar on Smarties? This tastes like a fruitier Bai because it uses both the green coffee extract and Stevia. It is also definitely more orange than mango. I didn't get very much mango at all, to be quite honest but the orange was good enough that I didn't care. The stevia and green coffee extract provides a slight bitterness which is actually a nice touch to the often overly sweet orange juice.

I was reluctant on buying this because it was an energy drink and I suck at those. This didn't give me the jitters, for which I actually own them a "thank you" for. Jay reviewed the other one so go get the pair if you'd like.