Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

"Red," huh? It pretty undisputedly tastes "red." It could be cherry, strawberry, raspberry or something else. I can't tell but it's actually pretty good. Normally with a drink like this, red pop that is, it's really sweet and really fruity. This is actually a good step back and it's not too much of either.

I enjoy seeing the glass bottles with the wear on the sides. It reminds me of a time where you would buy bottles of pop and return them and they would be washed and reused. If Mexico still does it, good for you. We can all agree that pop in glass tastes better than canned or plastic'd pop. This one will be recycled but will not go back to its birthplace.

We're a couple months out from "Apple Mania" but that doesn't mean that we can't still enjoy apples. I remember watching a video a couple months back where people were making "fizzy fruit" by soaking them in dry ice. Where do you get dry ice? Are only scientists and friends and family of scientists allowed to eat a fizzy apple? That's unfair.

Well, one scientist broke the silence and now we, the public, can enjoy (probably) what a sparkling apple tastes like. Sure, the only crispness is in the title, but that's cool. Don't worry about it. Drink an apple. Yeah, drink an apple. Eating apples is so two thousand and late. Yeah, I did it. What? It was fitting.

Apples are great. This, you know what? This isn't bad. It's no apple but it's more quenching. It doesn't taste diet. It doesn't taste like candy. It doesn't taste like a shoe, but then again, why would it? If you eat an apple that tastes like a shoe, I don't know the policy of your local grocer, but you should return that batch and maybe shop elsewhere. It's sweet like an apple. Tastes like an apple. Great work, guys. You captured apples and fizzed up that essence. Yeah, sure, sparkling apple juice exists, already. This is more like a real apple.

Just churning it out, just churning out garbage. Some companies use high quality ingredients handpicked from local gardens. Those people are not these people. These people...these people. These people are making carbonated poison as far as I'm concerned. Look, it's not that bad. I mean, it's bad, don't get me wrong.

This has that strange, sharpness that you don't want in anything you ingest. I mean, there aren't any great fruit punches around but this is worse than your average bear and fruit punch. Fruity? Yep. Not anything you should find yourself drinking.

Blueberry lemonade is something I have never had in real life. I was at a wedding in Massachusetts where some kid wore a kimono and no one said anything and made my own cherry lemonade which was great. I mulled it myself. I don't mess around. Blueberry lemonade seems easier since there are plenty of blueberries around and lemonade isn't hard to come by. Problem is, if I made it myself, it would be better than this. "Audacious!" you say? Well perhaps but it would be closer to the model of blueberry lemonade since there would be no mucking about with artificial sweeteners, preservatives and the like. Mash up some blueberries and put it into some water with lemon juice and sugar and you've got it. This is pulpless and not sour. It just "tastes like" blueberry lemonade like when markers "smell" like fruit but when you take a small nibble, you've discovered that you have discovered that it's a very one dimensional impression.

What this lacks is what makes lemonade great and that's pulp, bite, attitude and clean ingredients. The Reb A gives it a bit of an unwarranted bitterness that just tastes like lies. This isn't bad but it's like taking a girl home at the end of a long night that is wearing a lot of makeup and you know that when she inevitably stays the night and wakes up, your pillow is going to look like a towel behind the Chanel counter at your local department store and your face will be as red as her lips were the night before with regret and self-embarrassment.

Call me old fashioned but long days can only be cured by sitting on a porch stoop drinking root beer. Early mornings with not enough sleep followed by staying late at work and who knows what the rest of the day holds? Probably a handful of garbage. You deserve something nice. A treat. A root beer.

What's better than root beer? Root beer that has honey in it. What better with root beer with honey in it? Root beer with honey and licorice. Since this root beer doesn't have that, and beggars cannot be choosers, honey it is. It's probably a difficult task to keep the smooth taste of honey and the bite of root beer but they've done it. That's why they're in the root beer major league. They have hats. Nice, embroidered hats. As if there were any doubts. What? Did you think they were silk screened? Please. They embroider everything when you get to the pros. Everything.

Oh that summer heat. James just couldn't deal with it. His 1988 Honda Accord was once nice but now is held together with hope and rust. He is a traveling salesman whose sales of motor homes on an island aren't what they used to be. He was once the best salesman on the west of the island but it seems that everyone had already bought one and there was no one left. He looked back fondly of the days where he bought that Accord in cash and had enough for a steak dinner that night. Now it's nothing but pasta and rice. Why was he still there? There were plenty of other jobs he could do and make enough to at least get him out of the rut that he was in.

One hot and humid summer day he had to take a stop from going in between towns. He stopped at a gas station to get something to drink and they were stocked with ice cold pop. He saw the orange and his hand just grabbed it. It was like the kid in him made him reach out and take it. To be a child on the island was a simpler time. All you had to do was go to school and then come home and the rest of the day was yours. No responsibility. No tasks. Nothing. You could just hang out with your friends and drink pop on the way to go to the movies and then get ice cream. As an adult, though, James was plagued with things like payments for his child's braces, water bills, and lawn mowing. He needed to mentally get back to what it was like to be a kid. One sip and he remembered it all. He sat down on a bench outside the station and drank almost the whole bottle. It tasted like simple, basic, everyday orange pop. It's what he would drink on hot summer days while sitting around with his friends not doing much of anything.

Just then his phone rang and it was Doctor Clemens asking him to sell him a new motor home. Today would be James' day at last. His day in the blistering sun.

Just look at the face of any father when his son or daughter says he is getting married to someone who truly sucks and you will see the face of someone who just took a sip of this iced tea. "Dad, I'm marrying Tabitha." you say to your daddy who takes a moment to remember the totally and unfortunately forgettable Tabitha. This is the same Tabitha who has shirts with wildlife on it and loves to read fantasy novels. This is the same Tabitha who works "really hard" at her father's hot dog restaurant but, regardless of being a blood relative, just doesn't have what it takes to be "management material."

A sweet tea from New Orleans shouldn't have the same bite as a Lipton Brisk from God knows where. These people from Louisiana must picket day and night trying to get Luzianne to shut down production on this disgusting line of "sweet tea" that can only be described as "sweet tea" when in quotes both in print and in person by way of air quotes. Saying "It's like Brisk but a little better." is like saying you have "the good cancer."

The poet Rick Ross once said, "Everyday I'm hustlin'." These past few weeks I have been doing just that. Straight hustlin'. Work all day, come home and work all night. Late into the night. Too late. It's catching up with me. I can feel it in my throat. It's my body's way of saying, "Calm down, bro. Get some sleep. You can work tomorrow." Well, I didn't listen to that guy last night and went deep into the night and now my body is in shambles. What better way to fix it than with a diet energy drink? Now I can not only be energized but svelte as well.

This didn't taste like a trillion Skittles, which is my initial litmus test for energy drinks. It didn't taste bad at all, as a matter of fact. It was citric but I couldn't really place it: Pineapple, some other stuff that may or may not be fruit, and of course their cornerstone mangosteen. It didn't taste like a clichè energy drink, which was a relief and it also did not taste "diet" so that's a double win. If you're keeping track, that's a veritable handful of wins. It's a small handful of wins but a handful nonetheless.

It's been many moons since I've seen this. I bought it and stored it. I didn't store it for a special moment like a taco party, hot dog extravaganza or anything like that. I just put it away and forgot about it. Sorry, guys. I'm nothing if I'm not honest. So let's carry on with the honesty, shall we?

How is this? It's pretty lemony. Lemonesque. Lemonique. It's a good, sweetened green tea but something about it gets a bit old. It's pretty strong in the lemon and it has real lemon so it's both bitter and sour. The more I drink it and analyzed it, the more appreciative I got but it didn't make the drink any better. The fact that it's sweetened with honey first and cane sugar second gets much respect, though. Credit where credit is due. This is fine. If you like your green tea strong and homemade, you might have found it.

Oh, I'm sorry Mister Know It All. I didn't know that you were in attendance. You know all this stuff about saving money on car insurance, the best way to check if a cake is done and so many things about household remedies that I don't know where to start. Well here is something for you, friend. A classic lemon lime pop. Why don't you give your smart, dumb mouth a little treat?

"Woah" is right, you dummy. You think you thought that you knew everything but you don't. This is a kick to the mouth. It's lemon and lime but there are spices in there that surprise your ignorant tongue. It's got a good, genuine flavor but there are special secrets that not even you and all your worldly knowledge know about. Spicy secrets. I would guess that there is some ginger in those secrets. That's a guess, though. Not a "know."

So you can't know everything and I hope that I've humbled you with this simple pop that you thought was oh so simple. You don't know everything and if there was a crown giveaway to those that knew everything, you might want to look through your old emails and find the address because you have to return it.

Jones, no one eats just pineapples anymore. That's so classic. Classic Jones. Eating only pineapples. Now everything is "tropical." All citric fruits all the time. Who has time to eat pineapples and bananas? Now this, this is what's up. This drink is called "On" and it's two fruits cutting your fruit eating time in half. Look, dude. I'm trying to help you. I know you're not too crazy about bananas but you'll be happy to know that this doesn't at all taste like them. It doesn't really taste like pineapple either. It just tastes...citric. It's good, though. It's like a pineapple if a pineapple didn't have any sort of bite.

What do you mean that you don't mind eating all your fruit one at a time? I said I'm trying to save you time? You don't care? You like wasting time eating all the fruit? You're a strange chap, Jones.

Welp, the Thirsty Dudes have sold out. Jay reviewed 7Up and I'm reviewing Pepsi. All that street cred that we once had is out the window. Out the window like a finished apple on a highway. Out the window like Axel Foley after getting too personal with one Victor Maitland, famed and loved art dealer.

Since we're cashing in our chips, we might as well go full bore and say the following; this is great. I really liked it. Classic cola taste, like from when you were a kid and pop was really good. It's that mixed with the calm, smooth taste of vanilla. I don't know why (the reason is probably money and greased palms) that they don't use real sugar as it is noticeably better. This is something you could share with your toothless grandpappy if you feel like sitting and talking about things like "malt shops" and "sock hops." The Fourties. Boring.

Oh the essence is small with this on, friends, I can't feel it. I can't feel you. Your aura just isn't speaking to me. You tell me that you're injected with the spirit of the exotic pomegranate but you saying that is like saying seeing Lynyrd Skynyrd now is the same as seeing Lynyrd Skynyrd in the seventies. It's not the same thing and you know it and you are just lying to yourself.

Sure, this might have some essence of pomegranate but as far as the rest of your siblings in the line, you are the weakest link. It's so much like what you don't want, which is someone filling up a nearly empty glass of juice with water and calling it a "drink." Don't lie to me. Don't lie to mama. There are things that pomegranate do that this drink doesn't do. It might contain the essence but it doesn't contain the spirit.

I'll tell you something and you're not going to like it, Carlos. I don't like bananas. I know you're crazy about them joints but me, man, I don't like them. You just handed me this drink and I don't know man, I don't think I can handle it. I'm not allergic or anything but I just don't like them. You don't have anything else to drink? Man. You know what, dude? I'll do it.

Carlos, I might owe you an apology. Maybe you know me better than I thought. Maybe you know me better than I know myself because this drink isn't bad and even though there is a hint of banana, I'm not about to spike it in your living room like you would a controller when I whoop you in Halo. This is mostly strawberry, which everyone loves and you can't taste the coconut too much and this has been sitting there for a while. That's when coconut blows is when it's warm. The banana, yeah, it's in there but I'm not eating a banana and this is accompanied by better, stronger fruits.

Dude, alright. That grief I gave you earlier, you didn't deserve it. I had a bad day. I ate a bad breakfast burrito and it disagreed with me. I'm alright now, man. Sorry. Now grab that controller. I'm'a whoop you!

I know what snow looks like. I don't remember what the rapper Snow looks like. That's not to say that (almost) local celebrity Snow isn't memorable, it's just that it's not in the forefront of my memory. Sure, he's from Toronto and Jay and I used to take monthly trips up there but our paths never met up. I wonder what would have happened if they did. If we went for a dance party and ran into Snow while eating hot dogs on the corner of Queen and Spadina, who knows what would have ensued. I'm going say that it's been a long time since Toronto has given Snow the "star treatment" so it might be like backstage passes to a reggae show or something nice but local. I bet he could get us free drinks but since we don't drink, he would, naturally, get us drinks that are in his nomenclature so we would only be drinking Sparkling Sno.

Now I'm sure he's a good guy but I wonder how Jay and I would deal with the fact that the drink he just gave us is pretty gross. "Look Snow, it's been a really good time and you're a cooler dude than I thought you were going to be, but we've got to be honest since you're being so cool with us. This drink...do we look like we're on a diet? We're not exactly chiseled but this...this is diet. It doesn't particularly taste like pomegranate but might, if we're pushing it, might have had a hint of raspberry in it. We understand that you probably don't want us around anymore. It's not that we don't appreciate your generosity. We really do. We just have to be honest with our faithful fans."

That could go one of two ways. Number one is that Snow would say, "Tank you for da honesty but I've gotta tell ya ta leave." or he could say, "Me boys. Tanks for da honesty. Ya can come into da private VIP section. I was just testin' yas. Help yourselves to anyting ya want. It's on me." Man I hope it would be the latter.

This only has two ingredients, three if you're going to be a jerk and count "citric acid" as an ingredient. That's all that is in here. In many previous reviews I mention that is all that is needed to make the perfect sweet tea. So why is this so boring? I don't like the taste of it. It's black tea and you can taste it. Credit where credit is due. The sugar and/or the citric acid make this drink taste like mass produced junk. It's real sugar. I don't get it. So close. Something in this drink sucks. The drink doesn't suck but there is a weak link in here bringing it down. It's the inverse of the kid that gets high grades in a weighted test and screws the rest of the kids by being good. That kid is at an Ivy League college during the making of this drink and you're stuck with solid "C" students. Read a book, you idiots.

John had recently gotten into a terrible car accident that made him lose his legs but between generous donors and Kickstarter, he managed to get himself into a primo set of new, top of the line, robotic legs. 2.4 gigahertz of ram, three USB ports, Bluetooth, pneumatics and more. Problem is that with all of those features and the augmented running and jumping is that it killed the battery in his robo-legs. It wasn't such a big deal when he would take it easy because he could just plug them into the wall at night with his phone and wake up to charged legs. At work he would often times have to run a cord to his legs to keep them charged.

One day on the way to work, he went to a shop and noticed a new drink called "On." It dubbed itself as "powered refreshment" and he thought that it would allow him to finally go wireless and not have to carry around cables wherever he went. He got to work and opened the drink and almost drank the whole thing. It was good but a little strange at times. It did taste like raspberry limeade would but the Erythritol gave it a strange bitterness different than what the lime would have given it. Regardless, he finished the whole thing and just as he did, Jane came over and told him that it was Carol's birthday and they were meeting in the conference room for cake. Excited, he jumped out of his chair and just as he did, he heard a beeping which could mean one of two things. Either a truck was backing up within the confides of his office or his legs ran out of batteries. Either way, he was stuck in the middle of the hallway unable to move. Carol came out to see where he was and he embarrassingly asked for his cord. She brought it to him along with a piece of cake which he had to eat standing in the hallway alone.

Something about this seems like I shouldn't be drinking it. It's too sharp and I feel like it got a small composition of poison. It's probably one of the worst Cascade Ice drinks I've had and only slightly tastes like both peach and mango. I guess "some" is better than a lot of drinks but I cannot escape the fact that danger runs through my gullet with every sip. In small sips, it tastes very sweet, very diet and you don't get the uber-sharp, cutting sensation. Take a gulp and you wish you had written a will. With every gulp I winced some I just got a mystery shot in the arm from a sneaky doctor that just likes "practicing" on unsuspecting patients. I don't like him, I don't like shots, and I don't particularly enjoy this drink.

"Oh, that's diet." is not the most fantastic first impression. I mean, sure, diet is diet but as we hurdle head first towards "the future," some companies have really killed this "diet" thing. Steaz has a fifty-fifty relationship with me. When we started, I drank something, promptly hated it, and wrote them off for a long time. I warmed up and drank a bunch of stuff I liked and then we came to this and it's nothing special. I, for the gazillionth time, am not looking to be blown away, but this tastes like a garbage, diet drink.

Between the bunk lemonade and the Erythritol, this drink might as well have been ninety-nine cents and come in a plastic jug that weighs as much as a child's bowling ball. The green tea was alright but it was a bit distracted and modified by the bitterness of the Erythritol that you didn't know if it was "good" bitterness or "unauthentic" bitterness.

It's a can of lies and deceit. Pass it by. You can do better Steaz and you can do better, general public.

Oh the passion. Oh the passion. Can you believe it? I mean, I feel guilty looking through this telescope at them but I can't help but looking. I hope no one see us. If taken out of context, people could think we were being real creeps.

Oh...what...honey...honey no...This isn't what it looks like...please honey. Come look. I swear. I won't move the telescope. Just look through. What do you mean, "what are you looking at?" Look at them. They're so big! No. Honey look, right on the trees, gigantic passion fruits.

Yes. That is what I'm talking about, passion fruit. Dave and I went to the store and bought these passion fruit drinks that are really good. It inspired me to pull out the old telescope and see if they place down by the ocean still had passion fruit on their trees. Remember when we used to go out there when we were younger and knock them down right from the trees? I was telling Dave about it and he wanted to get a real one. Yeah, you can try this drink. It's good but it's a little too sweet for me. Great passion fruit taste but it's just a pretty regular juice.

You want to go see if we can get some of those passion fruit off the tree like the old days? Awesome. Dave, put on your shoes! We're going for a trip. What did you say, honey? There is a naked girl on the beach? Let me see. OHHHHH!!! That's a naked dude! You got me again. Now I remember why we put this thing away in the first place.