Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Carol typically has good self-control. Typically being the key word. Sometimes, well, she cheats. When she cheats, she cheats. She takes one bite out of a piece of pizza and the lights go out and she disappears for an hour. Next time you see her, she's mad at herself for eating an entire pizza and everyone is mad at her because she ate the entire party pizza.

She tried really hard to make things work for herself. She tried doing things like meal replacement shakes, chia seeds, countless snacks of vegetables, and so much more. She just had a sweet tooth. She needed something. She was sitting at the office having a cup of coffee when she noticed that someone had brought in individually wrapped caramels. She hadn't had one since she would visit her grandma's house so she ate one. Then she took a sip of coffee. The flavors melded together nicely and she eventually did the deed; she made a new cup of coffee and dropped a whole caramel in, waited a minute, and went at it. She loved it.

Carol had found her vice. It was a little kid friendly and a little adult. It wasn't too sweet but the caramel pushed through the coffee just enough that it made her feel good. Also, it was just unhealthy tasting enough that she couldn't finish a cup of coffee. Her limit was reached and self-control was back in place.

Cinnamon. I love the stuff. It's sweet and spicy. It can hit both spot on my desire palate. Spicy cinnamon. Sweet cinnamon. Two different animals. Two lovely animals. The kind of animals that could kill you instantly if they wanted but they are totally content with allowing you to put tiny hats on them and take pictures.

Apples are a mixed bag. All apples are good but there are some that are far better than others. I like a nice, crisp, sour green apple. I like it. Red apples are fine but green apples are my joint. One thing that is an exception is when I'm making a snack at home, which is made of apples and cinnamon and sugar. Sure, sometimes I sprinkle some nutmeg on there to really make things exotic but when I'm in a rush and need to slam an apple really quick, it's a red apple and cinnamon sugar from the shaker. Red apples, not green. Why? Well spice and sour don't often mesh well and the red apples are typically sweeter and it's a good compliment to each other. As a Jew, I spent many nights eating apples and honey, which is fantastic, but those were done with red apples, too.

This drink tastes like it's made from green apples, regardless of what is beautifully printed on the front of this bottle. This drink is more of a sparkling green apple drink because it doesn't taste like there is any cinnamon in it whatsoever. Honestly? A pretty big letdown since I was looking forward to it. I thought at the end of a rough week that I could drink this and enjoy my favorite fruit snack in liquid form but I was wrong. Dead wrong. Looks like that adorable cinnamon animal didn't want to wear that fez for me and instead would rather introduce my spleen to its razor sharp claws. He's just doing what he's supposed to do. Can't fault him for that.

"I got you a drink and I checked your list so don't give me any grief." my mom said to me. Is that what this has come down to? My own mom feeling harassed by the way that Thirsty Dudes is going? My tax lady can't make heads or tails about what it is that we do. People ask me if this is my job and I laugh at them. Is it me? Am I the problem? Look, I will admit fault where fault is due but come on, I'm hardly threatening and who am I to give you a hard time for buying me something. So what if we already reviewed it. I can still be gracious and appreciative, can't I?

This drink, one that we haven't done yet, is a perfect example of a drink you should just calm down and drink. Look, I understand it's been a pretty gnarly winter and that we all need a little break. Normally I would be against such thing, but if everyone in the North East could swap places with the South West for a week, that would be great. We'll take your drought issues and you can take our subzero temperatures.

We can all meet in the middle, say, Topeka, Kansas, and share a couple cases of this. It's a honey lemonade pop and it will give us cold cats a precursor to the luxurious warmth and sand we will enjoy. You will kiss the sweltering heat goodbye with one final hurrah of everyone's warm-weather drink, lemonade. Who doesn't love honey and we should all just be grateful that we get it as a tasty bonus in this drink. We can all celebrate the fact that we get a bit of a reprieve from our element-ridden lives.

So I will gladly shake the hand of anyone and have a little "Trading Places" action while we swap houses. It could be fun. It could also teach us lessons about ourselves aside from cursing the names of our parents for moving to such awful places.

This is a good juice. This is a very good fruit punch. Fruit punch is a bit of a jerk, if I'm being honest. For the most part, fruit punch is an overly sweetened mess that makes a mockery of the fruits it claims to be made from.

This though, this isn't too bad. There is a very strong taste of cherries, which I enjoy, and a handful of other fruit that kind of blend together nicely. Apples and grapes kind of mush up into a flavor themselves as if someone just angrily let it all out on them when they weren't looking. A horrible mugging that they didn't see coming. Just mushed. Their loss is your gain because this is pretty good. Even the Stevia does a fine job of keeping things sweet but also in their place. It's like a nice but stern history teacher. Ahh history teachers; the oldest teachers in the game.

Hats off to Jimmy Buffett. Seriously. I cannot drink or read the word "Pina Colada" without singing the chorus of that song in my head. I have been to a Margaritaville in Las Vegas and had a pretty decent meal of jerk chicken so once again, Jimmy, I doff my hat to you.

Review. Right. This is not a pina colada. I have never drunk one but this is sparkling and clear and not alcoholic and milky. Taste wise though; I don't hate it at all. I quite like it actually. Initially it tastes kind of diet but then you read that it's Stevia and not something gross and you kind of readjust your taste buds to it and the next sip is far better. One sampler in my focus group said that it smelled like suntan lotion but I don't think that I've ever met a pina colada that didn't.

For this being zero calories, this is very good. It is up there on my list of great pina colada drinks. It's accurate and even though they made it calorieless, it doesn't really suffer any consequences. So from me to both Spree and Jimmy Buffett, good work guys. You've got it.

Some people enjoy things like lavender or chamomile to calm them down but something about this drink is really putting the relax into me.

It is a good split between milk, smooth and Earl Gray, a pretty neutral tea. Lightly sweetened and placed gingerly into a baby carton, this drink provides countless minutes of sipping pleasure. It's not bitter, not too sweet, and is a good blend of everything that you would want in a milk tea, if you have ever heard of milk tea before and craved it. Hey, I've had stranger cravings for things.

Like I said, this is a relaxing, smooth drink that is meant to be sipped on your front porch, back porch, beachfront property or anything in between. I am very relaxed drinking it. Either that or the fact that I'm listening to Das Racist "Relax."

I've said it before and I'll say it again. "Kids. Right?" They just don't get it. Perhaps it's me becoming a curmudgeon…€Ž of an old man but sometimes an unsweetened green tea is all I need to make me a happy man. What pleases me about it? The bitterness and the crispness of it. Jasmine is wonderful because it's a bit botanical. This is a dark green tea, which is code for a sencha which is pretty bitter in its own right and equally fantastic. I've had hot cups of the stuff and it's a strong and equally lovely cup. This is no different. The bitterness is set right in a great place where it's enjoyable to drink at any speed and also strong enough that purists can get what they want from it.

Kids do not enjoy unsweetened tea. Kids drink garbage. Maybe it's just American kids. I think I can speak on behalf of all people that used to be dumb American kids and say that I wish I drank more unsweetened tea as a child. I wasted my time with my mom's diet Pepsi for years. That being said, she pretty exclusively drinks unsweetened tea now so maybe we are all learning what East has known for hundreds of years.

Dear Japan,

Sorry we're so far behind.

Sincerely,
America

Number one: I don't know the definition of the word "savory." It seems that with food television, everyone is a regular Bobby Flay. Sure, some people are an Alex Guarnaschelli and some are a Yan but everyone is someone now and everyone has to use phrases they shouldn't know unless they serve time in a French kitchen. Calm down. They're just chicken fingers from a bag. Where is your stamp of approval from Guy Fieri that says you have a license to say the word "brunoise" or "papillote." I realize the humor in that statement, so don't give me guff for it.

This tea advertises a "savory-sweet herbal infusion." That seems like a bit much. This is not a heavy tea. I have had heavy tea. This is not it. This is a medium flavored tea with a lot of great ingredients, most that you really have to focus to find, much like a "Where's Waldo" book. To you overseas readers, I am aware that his name is "Wally." I know more than you give me credit for.

Mint? It's in there. Cocoa? Lightly in there. Don't think chocolate and don't think dark. Think about opening cocoa powder and smelling it once the dust settles from you vigorously opening the top. As for the other ingredients, you cats ain't pullin' your weight because I didn't taste any vanilla, licorice, or bitterness from the yerba mate.

It's a fine tea, don't get me wrong, but you just did the tea equivalent of fluffing up your resume. That's going to make your employer mad and make more work for you. People that talk about knowing Microsoft Word on their resume have zero job experience and people who know fifteen programming languages are recent college grads who have spent a day with each and aren't proficient in anything. You're welcome, Monster.com. I've cracked the code.

Look at that picture. It is as if the gods of the South have beamed a little bit of their heart and soul down on my rustic table. Ice. Sugar. Tea Period. Done and done, right?

Look. It's not normal that we review something like this that isn't purchasable in a store but they've got eight (current) locations and I'm pretty sure that this recipe is the same throughout the chain.

The only thing that this drink had that is optional is a big ol' slab o' lemon but this, this is what Sweet Tea is. Also, it's cheap, as it should be, and there are unlimited refills, as there should be. Happiness in a canning jar.

When I was a kid I used to go to my grandma's house where my uncle has tons of antiques, collectibles and vending equipment. Inside one of them he had Atomic Fireballs. I would take a handful of quarters or nickels and buy three or so of them and put them in a tall glass of water and just let them marinate and make spicy cinnamon water. Taking one sip of this took me back like twenty some-odd years to those days.

Unlike the concocted drink of my youth, this tea is unsweetened but whatever cinnamon and other spices they used cut right through the garbage and somehow create a naturally sweet and spicy drink. The cinnamon has a serious and delicious burn and there is quite a lot of orange taste in it thanks to the one-two punch of both orange peel and orange oil. There are a lot of other great flavors in there but you cannot distinguish them as much as the cinnamon and orange. A complete bonus to this is that one bag easily makes two cups of tea. I drank one pretty quickly and made another one to take on a walk with my dog. I knew the first one was strong enough that I could at least try to make a second and I was right.

I do enjoy that the same flavors today bring me as much happiness as they did when I was eight. Look, I never said I wasn't immature. No one is going to argue against that. I think that if eight year old me knew that I was drinking something as spicy as this, we would high-five and the world would implode on itself because you're not supposed to interact with the past, especially yourself. Everyone knows that.

Some kids like to eat fruit. Take Danny. Little Danny only eats fruit and it's becoming a problem. He, like most kids, hates vegetables but unlike other kids, he also hates candy. He just never got it. He loved fruit, though. He would come home from school and if there was a fruit he could reach, he would eat it. This made his mother both very concerned and very angry. She was concerned because what mother wouldn't be if her son was not eating vegetables. She was angry because fruit doesn't come cheap and as Danny got taller, she would come home to less and less fruit because he could reach higher shelves and eat everything.

One day, Danny's mom put her foot down and limited him to a certain amount of fruit per day and in exchange, she bought him Litl' Squirts fruit juice. She told him that there was no funny business in it and that it was just fruits and water. He agreed to these new terms and took a bottle with him to his room.

He took a sip and loved it. It was naturally sweetened with fruit and it was actually a good tasting drink. He could taste the blueberries as well as the apple. It was like there was a mixologist somewhere that felt the way he did about fruit and made a drink specifically for him.

His mother noticed that there was more and more fruit around the house and talked to Danny about it. Danny said that although he cut down on eating fruit, he increased his liquid fruit intake. Confused, his mom opened up the cupboard and noticed that there was only two bottles left of the case that she had bought. She was raising a monster, an inconsiderate fruit monster.

Oh guava, you sassy girl. I feel that you are the most forgotten of the tropical fruits. It's not your fault. You are not to be forgotten. It's just that you are. You aren't doing anything wrong. Take this drink for instance. It's good. It's really good. I feel that it is a canned yet accurate portrayal of what you are like in real life. You know when they make biopics of people that are still alive and they get mad because everything was dramatized so much that it makes them look weak or like monsters? This drink, I feel, is "a day in the life" of you, guava. Why? Well the flavor isn't messed with, I don't think. It's filled with chunks and not just chunks of aloe, chunks of you, the fruit in questions. You provide and we make the most of what you give us. You are the lemon of fruits. You know that old phrase. If someone gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If someone gives you guaqva, you make a chunky guava drink. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that phrase I think my check would be in the mail.

Alright, King. I mean no disrespect but you've gotten away with literal murder and I haven't said anything. This, though, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. You have been known to provide us, your faithful townspeople with some of the most unique teas at very reasonable prices. Some of them are good and for that, we thank you. This one, I have given it multiple attempts at approval though and it just doesn't deserve to be continually made. Now look, it's not just me that thinks this way but I'm not going to throw anyone under the bus over it. It's just not a good tea. It always tastes good in the beginning but then quickly and unfortunately tastes burnt or something. You can tell that there are some good flavors in there. Spicy? I think that might be pushing it. It is only labeled as "spice black tea" so that's alright. The cinnamon wins when it comes to the spice wars going on in this cup but as a whole the battle is lost because as a whole, it's not a good tea.

King, we are very faithful to you and if I didn't spend all day working in the tea fields, I would let this slide, but I don't want any more of my time wasted on such a non-fantastical tea. You deserve better if you're going to put your name on it. That's my honest opinion and I hope that you value it as such? You don't? Well I guess it's a classic beheading for me. Classic King Condrell. Always decapitating people that voice their opinions. Seems a bit antiquated since it's 1994 but whatever. We chose to live here and we chose to live this way. Sorry guys. I tried. Tell me wife I love her.

For those of you with weak stomachs, aloe may not be the drink for you. Why? Well it's chunky and I know how you are all prone to throwing up as soon as something hits your "hangy ball." You gag when you brush your teeth and since this is mint and has chunks, you're destined for Upchuck College. Throw-Up U? I don't know which I'd rather attend.

For those of you who can take a little chunkage when you down drinks, you may have something you will like. This has everything you might want, right? Refreshing mint? Some chunks to remind you that something is actually going down your gullet, and green tea, which considered it's sweetened and soiled with chunks, not too bad. The mint, which look, it's mint and does what it's supposed to, cools things down a little bit too much on the green tea side leaving you with a fraction of what bitterness I may desire out of even a sweetened green tea. That being said, not the worst mint drink I've had. Not the worst aloe drink I've had. Not the worst green tea drink I've had.

All in, I'd give it a three out of five and since that's what I do, that's what I'll do.

Oh Hansen's. You have done it again. You've conquered pop and now you have done nothing short of it with this juice. You've even cleverly disguised it as some sort of very Spanish drink with the fonts and colors and sun stuff. You've got it all under control. Oh, how is the taste? You nailed it. I'm telling you. If I didn't not like mango for the texture, I would easily have been converted. This is sweetened with cane sugar so it leaves me with a clean mango taste that doesn't taste candied or fake at all. It's quite refreshing to boot. I have read that mango is originally from India and the East but I think if the people who first tasted them tasted this, they would wonder a couple things. One would be what witchcraft you used to get their fruit in your bottle. The other would be that it tastes very good and then a whole rip in the fabric of time would happen and we would all never have mango. Please, for Jay more so than I. Do not go back in time and give bottles of this to the original harvesters of mango so that we may enjoy mango today.

Do I need more protein in my diet? I don't know let me check the chart. I seem to be doing alright on fiber, attitude, body mass index, those are all alright. What else do we have here? Ice cream intake is low, oil pressure is good, Altitude is at an acceptable level, and the water level is up to the line. I don't see...oh here it is. Protein. Yeah, protein level is slightly below the line. Can't I just eat a chicken sandwich or something? No? Why not? They don't sell any here? This is a restaurant. What restaurant doesn't sell anything with chicken in it? No meat? At all? That's fine. I guess I'll have a salad then. No salad? You're a restaurant, right? You know what a restaurant is, right? What do you have here? Just drinks? Fine. I'll just look at the menu. Whatever. Whatever you have. Why did I come here? Didn't they have a menu outside that I could have looked at? I'm telling you, Times Square has changed. They were right?

Oh, thanks. What is this? Oh, a protein drink with honey in it? Seems like something you just whipped up. Thanks. You know what, though? It just tastes like milk with honey in it, which in itself is mildly refreshing. It's a protein drink, which is surprising because it doesn't taste like there is a bucket of sand in it. It's actually not bad. I would have enjoyed that chicken sandwich that I kind of developed a taste for but this is a close, I don't know, eighth, maybe ninth.

I don't know. That's a good question. Would I recommend this restaurant? You're going to hate me for saying this, but I'm still not convinced that this is an actual restaurant. How do you make ends meet? This place is like two thousand square feet and one block from Times Square. It's got to cost like ten thousand dollars a month to be here. You've got to be in cahoots with someone. Oh, that hit a nerve. No, look, I can see myself out. Thank you for the drink. I left a nice tip.

I don't understand it, honey. Sammy just refuses to eat vegetables. I don't know what to do. I've taken away videos games, dessert, television, and his bike and he just won't eat them. What did you buy? A milkshake? Honey that sounds like a reward more than it does a punishment. It's got what in it? I don't know what any of that is. Ashwagandha? Cordyceps, Tulsi, Sacha Inchi, Spirulina? Are you just reading a Dr. Seuss book to me? You're making these words up, right? You're not. What do they do? They're healthy? Well I guess that's good to know. Now it's a milkshake. Isn't there a ton of sugar in it that's going to get him to bounce off the walls? Oh, it's made with Stevia? That's cool. Well I guess it all comes down to taste. How does it taste, honey. Oh, you made some? Thanks.

Honey. This...this isn't bad at all. I mean I can taste that something is up but our kid, let's be honest here, he's kind of an idiot. Right? You agree with me. I mean, who doesn't just eat vegetables and takes punishment after punishment. Peas never hurt anyone and corn is fantastic. Kids. Am I right? Can I have more of this? Yeah, I was worried that this would just taste like a gritty mess like protein drinks do but it actually tastes good. You made this with eight ounces of milk? Oh wow. That turned into like double that. Cool. He'll feel like he's getting a real treat but in reality, we're poisoning him with healthy stuff.

When he gets home we'll make him something like a hamburger with a side of green beans just so he thinks nothing is up and we'll serve it with this milkshake. He'll think he's pulling one over on us by not eating the green beans and just eat the hamburger and drink the milkshake. Never thought it would come to this but if I have to trick my dumb son into eating healthy, so be it. He'll learn when he's 300 pounds and constantly sweating like your uncle Larry. Yeah, I said it, honey. He's constantly sweating. Like you didn't know.

We've drunk A-Game before but now, and this is no pun intended, they have brought their A-Game because this is pretty great. It's got the drinkability of a Gatorade but has a tiny bit of bite from the lemonade and a pretty good strawberry taste. Strawberry lemonade is pretty much always a win for me but I won't put it by companies to screw it up. This drink doesn't have any sort of unwanted bite like you might get from some other lemonades that are made with garbage sugar. I'm no scientist but whatever crystalline fructose is, it makes a good sweetener. There is also honey in here and actual sea salt. It's a pretty good drink all around. A-Game, A-Game.

John left from a long day of work and he was exhausted. He looked out the window of his of car and it was snowing and he knew that his day was not over because he knew before he was going to be able to kick off his shoes and sit down he was going to have to shovel. He didn't hate shoveling but after a long day of work, he just wanted to relax. He pulled up to his driveway and saw the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Someone had plowed his driveway. He had no idea who it could have been. He ran inside to get a gift and started knocking on his neighbor's doors to see if he could find out who it was.

He went to one neighbor who owned a plow but he wasn't home. He went to another house and his wife answered the door. John asked if her husband was home and she said that he was and went to go get him. A short moment later he came to the door. John asked him if he plowed his driveway and he told him that he did.

John was so thankful he nearly hugged the guy. He held back and thanked him graciously and handed him a carton of a drink. The man asked what the drink was to which John replied, "It's milk tea." The man didn't know what to think and John said that it was a great secret that he would pick up at Asian markets every once in a while and he thought that he would thank him with it. The man thanked him and asked if he wanted to split it with him. John said he would and they both went into the house.

The man poured the drink into a glass for him and drank out of the carton himself. He took a small sip and then took a larger sip. He told John that he liked it. He said that it tasted like a cup of tea with some sugar and milk in it and that it was so simple it made it even better. He said that the milk kind of disguised the actual tea flavor but that it was still good and he was happy he knew that this new product existed.

John and the man finished their drinks and John once again thanked the man for plowing his driveway. The man said that it was no problem and if he ever had some extra time and a car wasn't in the driveway that he would do it again. John was happy to have a neighbor as nice as that.

It's amazing how much mangosteen tastes like orange juice in this case. It's also quite amazing how unhealthy orange juice is for you. It's amazing how orange this drink is while not being orange juice and it's amazing how this just tastes like a diet orange juice.

Now even though I used the phrase "amazing" a lot previously, this drink is not amazing. Actually, I received polar opposite opinions during the survey that I ran in my office yesterday. I got "not bad" and I got "tastes like baby powder." Both sides of the spectrum. What do I think? I think it tastes like a pulpless, lifeless orange juice sweetened with Xylitol or Stevia. I didn't hate it and it was actually pretty good when it was cold. When it warmed up a bit, it got a little gritty like a protein drink might.

I do enjoy that strange little mangosteen cat sneaking in the mix more and more. I'm sure I'll regret saying that as soon as "the big guys" start making it and ruin it like they do everything. You know what, big guys; you're making that green. You're doing what you came here to do. Play on, playah.