Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

If you took three different sized dudes, lined them up, insulted their mothers individually, and openly welcomed punches in the face, that's what this drink is like. Three different sized fists brutally assaulting your kisser. Three fists, at three separate times, pummeling your money maker.

This drink was awesome on the shelf and awesome in my mouth. Well that sounds gross. Eh, you know what? I'll leave it. You can taste everything but they don't share the spotlight, which I might enjoy more. You get a blast of cacao, then nutmeg, and then cardamom. Just like a two years old boy, there is no sharing going on and unlike that two years old boy, I like it.

This new line...Ayala. You're on to something, friends. I'm on to you and you're on to something great.

What is a mojito with lemon instead of lime? Wrong? Is that it? I've had mock mojitos and they're good. I assume a "real" mojito is close enough. Mint and lime. This is mint and lemon. It's close, right. Same fruit but a different color. I know, I know. Lemons are sour and limes are bitter. Are you here to call me, a time honored professional, a dumb dummy? I certainly hope not.

This tastes like a sweeter, less bitter mojito. Didn't see that review coming, did you. Honestly, the mint is pretty faint and if they just said this was sparkling lemonade with mint in it, I would say, "Oh, cool. They put mint in it." To declare, in big, bold, caps "MINT" you're making a statement. This is a great lemonade. Compare it to a non-gingered Bruce Cost. It's got pulp, which is always a win, but the lemon is so sour, in a good way, that it out flavors the mint. Fights is fights is fights and lemon just beat mint. It's not the first time and it won't be the last. I'm hoping I can say the same for this drink because it's one of the best lemonades I've had.

So there are balls. Dragon Balls. They've got stars in them, which gives them way more special powers than some lame cats eye. They are marbles with special powers. You collect them and get special powers so you can whoop demons…€¦so many demons. It's not like superheroes where the villains represent some sort of socioeconomic issue. These guys are just bad. They just want to fight and hold lifelong grudges. Mean guys.

Now from what I know about Dragon Ball Z is that there isn't a lot of talking through conflict. It's mostly, "You are going to get it this time!" and then fight. No sitting down and debating. If they could sit down and discuss the issue at hand over a can of this cola, something might actually happen rather than fisticuffs. They could discuss things like who can take over this region of the country while drinking, for all intents and purposes, a better diet Pepsi. Sure, they might yell back and forth and have some empty threats but they will be quenched and might be able to order a nice sandwich platter. Classic dual over lunch.

In the past I have complained about tea being too weak. I'll drink water when I want to drink water, thank you very much. I don't want a super strong tea because that can be overwhelming and this is teetering on the fence. I steeped it for the specified amount and it came out about as strong as I could handle. Was I in a fruit paradise? I think I was on my last day at the resort where I feel like I have done all I can there. I sang karaoke, ate the local cuisine, hung out in the pool, made a sand castle, and ate copious amounts of fruit and now I'm ready to go home. I'm enjoying my last day but looking forward to boarding the plane and just getting home.

The fruits are all in there trying to make your stay as comfortable as possible but, in doing so, they're kind of getting on your nerves. Sure, I like to come home to a made bed, but sometimes I want to not make the bed and come back how I left it. There are a lot of fruits in here including apple, elderberries, strawberry and apricots. That's a giant amount of fruit, right? It's a veritable fruit salad. There is also hibiscus and rose hips to make this a true, herbal tea. You can taste that they are all there but indistinguishably.

Look, I don't hate this vacation and I will come back here again. I just wish everyone didn't try so hard to make my stay so "pleasant." I suppose next time I could just steep it less and/or use a larger cup.

I enjoy drinks with directions. Oh sure, sometimes I like the only direction to be "Open and enjoy" but sometimes there are times where I like a nice diagram to follow in order to enjoy my drink to the fullest. This is only a two-step process but there are multiple packages and buttons to press before you get to enjoy it.

Step 1: Froth packet. You empty this cat into your drink and you would think to your dumb self, "Well I just add water to this and it makes the magic happen, right? Well you would be wrong if you think that the magic can happen without a little Daryl Hall solo stuff. Also, I think we're thinking about two different types of magic. No, step one is just the froth packet. You put that in and you leave it alone.

Step 2: Standard issue albeit neatly shaped K-cup. Press the button and everything blends together to make the complete sweet treat. If I didn't know better, I would say that step two in itself is just Gevalia coffee and the froth and cocoa is in the aforementioned step but I'm not here to ruin the magician's secrets.

Step 3: Enjoy, which I did. This, to me, and I am a coffee shop novice, tastes like a pretty genuine coffee shop classic. It tastes like a good coffee first with some cocoa and the foam on top. It doesn't taste like hot cocoa with coffee, which is the wrong order if you ask me. It's got that coffee aftertaste that some of you probably enjoy on your tongue but I, for one, would like to immediately chew some gum or use a tongue scraper because this taste is lingering a tad too long. Note: I am not penalizing Gevalia for this is (presumably) the intended action for coffee folk, of which I am not. I am just a guy who stole this from his girlfriend with whom I have never made magic happen with the assistance of a little Daryl Hall.

Oh sir. You look so cold. Please, please. Come in to my coffee shop and I will give you a drink on the house. Look at you. Your nose is as red as a...well your nose is red and you've got to get that wet coat off. Let me take that, sir. Come in, sit sit sit. I've got something I think you will like. It's a mocha latte. No sir, we do not only serve, how you say, "regular coffee." I've got for you, my cold sir, a hot cup of mocha. Relax sir and just enjoy your cup of mocha.

Well sir, have you enjoyed your coffee? What? Sir, are you accusing me of using one of those dastardly Keurig machines to make our classic Italian coffee? Sir I can assure you...what? You what? You saw in the garbage that there are approximately three dozen used K-cups in there? Well sir, you've got us. Now you're going to tell everyone and our coffee shop will be closed. You...you aren't going to tell anyone? Thank you sir. Also, since you know that secret, you should know that I am really putting on an act with this whole "sir" thing. I did bring you in because you looked like a wet rat, though. That one was rightfully on me. So seriously dude, what did you think of the coffee? Just alright? Why? Yeah, you know what? It does just kind of tastes like a half and half coffee and hot chocolate. Oh, you got that little bit of diet taste, too? Yeah, I don't know. It's not advertised as diet but for some reason it's got that in there.

How do you feel, man? Are you better? Warmer? Oh, you're welcome. Come in any time. You know that we charge like five dollars for these cups of coffee and at the rate that we sell them and the fact that they're like a quarter at the quantity that we buy them at, giving you a free coffee when you come in if you promise not to say anything is only fair. Have a good day, man. Oh, hey! If you're not busy tomorrow night, my Chicago cover band is playing down at the Rusty Lobster. You should come down. Oh, you're busy, that blows. Well have a good night.

You thought that Popeye was getting his strength from spinach but there was a dirty little secret behind that. Sure, he loved the green stuff but when you weren't looking and the camera changed angles, he would slam a can of his own proprietary blend of energy drink. He was very ahead of his time. Drinking this allowed him to bend large steel beams and lift cars with ease. It was just a plot from the vegetable industry to push more spinach to kids. He made out big time; enough to start his own energy drink line.

Now Popeye knew a thing or two about healthy stuff since he did manage to learn a thing or two about his vegetables. He didn't add sugar to his energy drink and let the natural flavors of the blackberry to flavor and sweeten this drink. He even snuck in some vegetables, possibly due to contracts, to color his drink. He did manage to make a drink that tastes more like something unique rather than your cookie cutter energy drink. The blackberry taste is pretty spot on and it's even got some bitterness from the blackberry left that didn't get cut out of the mix.

With Wimpy as his terrible accountant, they are slowly taking the energy drink world by storm with the phrase, "You'll gladly pay today for a Popeye's energy drink today."

Come on, dude. Let me down. I don't think that I deserve this. I swear I didn't steal that pack of gum. I've got like thirty dollars in my wallet. Why would I steal a one dollar pack of gum? Dollar fifty? Come on dude. This is a dollar gum and you know it. You're just ripping people off with that. I know people love it. It's a classic gum but that's no reason to overcharge just because you can. Let's just get back to the issue at hand here. Why am I being drawn and quartered? I told you I wasn't stealing that gum. I had some on me that you just so happen to be a brand you sell. Seriously, I'm telling you the truth. Man, this reminds me of that strange tea I had. What? Oh, now you're concerned about my opinion. Well I'll tell you but I would like you to let me go. I'll pay you double for the gum I didn't steal just so you let me down. This thing pulling me is getting quite uncomfortable.

Alright, so I met up with some friends and one gave me a tea that I couldn't read a single word to. Naturally I just drank it because I was thirsty. I took a sip and it tasted like someone poured jasmine tea into a beer and sweetened it with honey. I don't drink so this kind of took me for a loop. Why don't I drink? It's because I don't want to and don't think that I need to, that's why. Back to the tea, I love tea. I love it. When you pair it with beer, though, it goes down an infinite amount of pegs. When you have a nice jasmine tea sweetened with honey, though, it's a good thing. So I'm torn, much like I feel like my limbs are slowly ripping from my socket all over some stupid gum.

Oh, what? I don't know where it came from, maybe some Asian market. So what do you say, pal? Can you let me down? I've been good to you. I've promised you more money that you deserve. I've told you a tale of my past. How about you let me down? No? Well what do you want to talk about while my balls and sockets say goodbye? This is unbearable but I give you full credit for doing it with horses and not some medieval apparatus. Credit where credit's due, right?

You thought I was never going to do it but I did it. Was it hard? No. How hard is buying a cup of green tea? Not hard. It took a lot of recommendation and persuasion to get me out of their hibiscus iced tea, which I should add has been upgraded to a five bottle review, but we did it. How was it? Not as good as everyone thinks it is.

If I had to simplify it, which I don't have to but I will, it tastes like if Whole Foods made green tea Freez-e-pops. It's sweet like the liquid in one would be. As for the promised passion fruit and papaya infusion, it is a light infusion that might only be used to cut out the bitterness of the green tea of which there is none. It's not fruity and doesn't have a ton of body whatsoever. It's a fairly straightforward, entry-level sweet green tea. Sure, it's for the masses so bitterness and complexity don't really bode well for the lowest common denominator. Am I calling you a dumb dummy? No sir or madam. Am I calling you a lady who houses prostitutes? No ma'am.

I assume Georgia gets sick of being synonymous with peaches. Like Salem and witches, these places have more to offer than being a one trick pony? Now that we're on this horse segue, when have you seen a horse do more than one trick that it's derogatory to be known as a "one trick pony?" Horses run; not a trick, and they jump over fences; trick. A horse that is a one trick pony can now be just labeled as a horse. Backtrack...

Salem had witch trials in the late 1600's. We're four centuries past that and although they milk it, there are other people that live and work there that have other things to do that constantly carve pumpkins, affix faux moles, and practice their shrill laughs.

Salem; check. Horse talk; check. Alright, back to peaches. Peaches are fine. I don't like them but I don't hate them. There are just some foods that I don't eat for no reason other than I don't want to. Furry fruit is one of them. Look, they taste fine. I don't eat them. The thought of a peach lemonade entices me, though. I made myself a glass of this and slammed the whole thing. No problems there. What did I think? Well that's why we're all here, right? At the edges of our seats awaiting my very important review of a powdered peach lemonade. I shall serve you your main course of review right now. Please be seated.

This was the first time since I've been on a True Citrus kick that the Stevia was overpowering. It wasn't too much that it was undrinkable but it was distracting. The peach flavor was good albeit a bit "candied" for my taste. The lemonadidity (not a real word...yet) was about a five out of ten. Between the candy peach and the non-traditional sweetener of the lemonade, this took a turn for the unfortunate "average" column. A couple strikes will do that to you. Baseball strikes. A couple bowling strikes would put you on top of the world. That phrase simply wouldn't work if I was referencing bowling. I don't know much about sports but that I know. Strikes in baseball is bad. Strikes in bowling is good.

To further my new quest to find a fantastic spicy chocolate drink to compare to an Aztec Hot Chocolate I had, I splurged and got this. Yeah, I'll admit it. I'm on a real loose, hot tea kick but I like my stuff strong. I'm new to the loose tea game so if you are, too, let me tell you something I learned. If you want a stronger tea, don't think that you can just let it steep for like fifteen minutes because then you'll have a tea that tastes like wood and old, wet leaves.

Cinnamon is a spice but I wouldn't say that it's particularly spicy. This is a chai and although I have had some with bite, this one smells better than it tastes. It's got hunks of solid chocolate, vanilla bean, and coconut pieces. You can actually taste all of it, which is pretty incredible. It tastes good and is decently strong. I steep on the longer side because I do like a stronger, thicker tea. It's not a chai like you might expect but it's still something different that you can enjoy any time of the day. It's faint enough on the chocolate side that you don't feel like a fat turd drinking it at ten in the morning. Yeah, I said it. Don't eat chocolate for breakfast. Sure, chocolate in cereal is fine but whomever is eating a bar of Hershey's in the morning should really re-evaluate your life and choice of chocolate. That's some novice stuff there, son. Wake up and get some quality dark in you. What are you, eight and in summer camp making smores?

I feel like limeade is lemonade's underachieving sibling. Lemonade gets all the good grades, does extra curricular activities like pep squad, fundraisers, and bake sales. Limeade just wants to be an artist and sits in their room with headphones on listening to Jesus and Mary Chain writing blog posts about society and how it's let them down. Thing is, the posts are well written and Jesus and Mary Chain are great. Limeade is just misunderstood.

This limeade should be taken seriously in the future because they're trying to do something different. Yeah, we need more pep rallies. Please. Come on. The only reason we liked pep rallies in high school is because we got out early. We need more meaningful art and people talking about the problems at a young age and less fake friends and more meaningful acquaintances. This drink is pretty great and is different than the cookie cutter lemonade. Look, I love lemonade, but sometimes I need something different. Something dangerous. This has a bit of a Stevia taste for reasons that are as simple and blatant as it is made with Stevia. As for the black cherry, it's right on target. I like this more than probably every black cherry pop I've ever had and the lime makes it just bitter enough that it calms the super sweetness down.

I think that's what limeade would have wanted; just to be recognized as a hard working individual who is doing something different, doing something different well, and doing it with a purpose. They just can't hear you because "Just Like Honey" is playing too loud in their headphones.

I am an adulterer today, friends. After so many people have recommended that I drink Panera's green tea, I decided to try it. "But this is not a review for green tea, you idiot." I know and there is a simple explanation for that. I thought it was one of the teas in the back that you fill yourself. I was incorrect and found out as soon as I walked down past it. Drats. I figured since I hadn't reviewed this, and I had already decided I wasn't going to get my loved Hibiscus tea, that I might as well as "get this out of the way."

I judged too harshly. This isn't bad. I am not on the bandwagon of acai but this isn't too bad. Not too bad at all. It's got a good berry taste with only a slightly and not offensive bitterness from that turd acai. I don't know how Panera makes such good tea all the time but they brew a strong iced tea that pulls all the flavors out of the thing they're tea-ing. They must have some sort of vacuum that is sucking out the flavor and essence. It must have been custom built because they are beating everyone out. Custom flavor vacuum. That's a niche market that needs to be exploited.

It's been a while, old friend. What has happened to the days where we would sit together and spend time with each other? Me basking in the sun like some sort of fancy Frenchman and you sitting in your bottle like you liked to do? The last few months have been smooth sailing and I mean that in all aspects of the word. Smooth. There has been nothing substantial in my drinks and it just sort of happened. Have we grown apart? It's not that I have forgotten. It's more that you haven't shown up and I am fully aware that the phone works both ways but you know how things go. We've been busy living our lives.

It is good to see you back. Shall we get right down to business like old times? Yes, let's. Let me get you something a little more comfortable for you to wear like this nice glass. That bottle looks constricting and I know how you don't like it in plastic. It's been a long time for me, too. I'll go gentle at first.

I see you haven't lost a step since we last met. You're everything I remembered and you taste like pineapples. The bits of aloe act as if there are real bits of pineapple in there, like you crushed and poorly strained pineapples out of a can. No, you don't taste like you came out of a can. You taste wonderful. We should do this more often. What happened to us? We used to be so close. Let's promise to not spend this much time apart again. I feel at times that I need you. I don't normally open up like that but it's true.

Orange, eh? Sir, you are under oath. Do not lie to me. You call this orange? Yes, it is the color orange, but to call this orange is pushing the extent of my patience. If you want to walk out of this courtroom a free man, you have to tell me the truth. Did you doctor this drink in any way? There, now. Was it that hard? What did you put in it? Sucralose? That's one of those artificial sweeteners isn't it? Yeah, that's what I thought. You think I got into the judge's chair by being some sort of idiot?

What else have we got here? It tastes like a watered down Gatorade if I can be so blunt. Is that what you want? A diet tasting, watered down Gatorade? You're fine with that? Sir, please. Let me leave you with these words of wisdom: Don't be average. Be great. Average never did anything noteworthy. You may leave and please pay the bursar the small fee of three hundred and seventy dollars and have a nice day. I hope I left you with something to think about.

Once again, let me read the ingredient list to you: Apple pieces, cocoa kernels, chocolate chips (sugar, cocoa mass, cocoa powder), strawberry pieces, natural & artificial flavoring, chili, marigold petals. How many pounds can I sign you up for? Time for a little back story.

I went to a place called the "Chocolate Bar" where they have very good food, great desserts, and, from what I've been told, good chocolate martinis. There, they had a special Aztec hot chocolate that I felt the need to try and it was a wonderful decision. It was a wonderful mix of thick hot chocolate with actual chocolate in it with that nice, dusty, gritty Latin chocolate, spicy cinnamon and maybe nutmeg and chili heat in it. It was awesome. I loved it. I assumed, quite blindly, that this would be similar. I was wrong.

Yes, many of the ingredients are shared between the two and the extra ingredients; strawberry pieces; sound fantastic. Was it? Not particularly. It just didn't have any oomph. With all the ingredients and even in the name "Aztec Fire" you would assume there was some heat in this thing, right? Look, I don't want to sweat when I'm drinking a cup of tea, but I would like to get something that tastes more like a light scratch in my throat. I bought something spicy so make it spicy. If people don't want spicy things, they won't order them. That's something I never understood. People understand that things are spicy and if they are labeled as such, then they should not be accessible to all. People who enjoy spicy food do not want to taste mild food when they order spicy food. This is not spicy but it is a bit fruity and you do get a bit of chocolate, too. I was afraid that the chocolate was going to melt and ruin my infuser. It did not. That was a pro. Silver lining.

I've got a lot more of this to drink and I'm actually happy that the employee didn't reel me in with her line of "This is the last day we're going to have this. At eight tonight we are discontinuing it." Whether or not this is true, don't threaten me. That's not how to push product.

Now I'm not a religious man. I'm quite the opposite, but when I saw this bottle of tea staring me back in the face, I thought to myself, "My prayers have been answered." Now that's obviously just a turn of phrase and it's a whole lot more likely that Danny Wegman bugged my phone and heard me talking constantly about how much I, a Thirsty Dude, loves hibiscus tea.

Now, Danny in his excited and impatient ways did hear me correctly but didn't hear me entirely because as much as I love hibiscus tea, I love it with an asterisk.

The way that I like my hibiscus is with a little bit of flair. A little bit of spice. Just a hint of it. I've mentioned this many times but the Tazo Passion and the Panera hibiscus are the epitome of perfect, unsweetened teas. There is something else in there and I think that one of those things is cinnamon. Just a hint of it.

We're getting there. I feel like with this, a larger company in the world of diet and concentrates, using Stevia actively as their sweetener, we are getting off the sucralose, corn syrup, and aspartame train and onto the future Hyperloop. Yeah, I skipped bullet train and went right to Elon Musk's vision of a better, faster, cleaner tomorrow. Is this that much of a jump? No, not really. Other companies have been using Stevia for years but it's just nice to see that it's trickling up into the bigger dudes.

Not only does it have a natural sweetener, but also the taste in itself is pretty good. It's got great lemonade taste and a good, fruity raspberry taste. All together it's not too sweet and not really too much of anything which mixes can tend to be. This is right on mark.

With the proceeds from the sales of this, maybe they'll help build that dream train. I'll ride that thing and take a transcontinental trip at over five hundred miles per hour all day long.

Neil Armstrong went to the moon but what he brought back was not only stories of golf on the moon and moon dust on his cool authentic moon boots. The other thing he brought back was kept secret until after he died. When he was up on the moon with his space cadet friends, he wandered off by himself to find a nice, quiet place to write poetry. When he was out on his own, he heard something whisper to him. He looked around and didn't see anything. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder and noticed that there was a deer wearing a Montreal Expos baseball hat. Neil fell back and the nice deer offered him a hoof to help him up and then invited him back to his house.

They opened up a crater and went down a flight of stairs into the deer's home. Inside he had seen things that he never seen before. The deer had a CD player playing Pet Shop Boys' "Please," and was cooking filet mignon for dinner. He offered some to Neil and he, who had nothing to eat but Tang and dehydrated ice cream had almost no choice but to accept his generous offer. Neil asked the deer where he got all this stuff. The deer said that it was a simple solution. There was a parallel universe "Earth" that was fifty years in the future and he made friends with the astronauts and told them to bring stuff up when they came back to the moon so they brought him food, music, and electronics. Neil was so excited to get a glimpse into the future.

The deer told him he had one more thing that he might be interested in and brought out two bottles of a black liquid and poured it into a glass. Neil asked what it was and the deer just said that it was water. Neil drank it and was speechless. It tasted like really sweet blueberries. He asked why it was black and if all water in the future was going to be black and the deer assured that it wasn't. He said that there was fulvic minerals that turn the water black and then said it was sweet because there was some new sweetener they were trying out and wanted to know that he thought. Both the deer and Neil liked it.

Neil told the nice deer that he had to leave and meet back up with his friends. Neil shook the deer's hoof and thanked him very much and went back to the ship. When he got there, Michael had a giant kiss mark on his face and Buzz was wearing an extra large Matchbox 20 shirt over his spacesuit. They all looked at each other and in unison said, "space deer."

Canada Dry, makers of the top-secret model of a ginger ale, now makes regular pop. That's pretty great, right? Sure. They're going against the "big guys" and making pop. Do they do it well? Meh. Yeah, you heard me. I gave it a "shaky hand" review. Black cherry is a rough pop and it is a lot harder to have a great black cherry than it is, say, a cola. This has a bit of a numbing feeling behind it like you would get from a cough drop. Is it bad? No, not really, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Is that harsh? Possibly. Probably. Actually. It's sweet and tastes like an average pop. Nothing mind blowing here. Just a black cherry pop to sit around on the shelf until you meet a person that has either never had black cherry pop or someone who forgot what it tasted like. You're alright to let this one get dusty. Don't worry. Someone will drink it.