Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

I am currently a denim demon which means...well it means a few things. Thing one is that I side with Canadians in their outfit of choice. Two is that I have a poor sense of fashion. Third and the most related to my point is that fall is upon us. Sure this is my "go to" outfit for Spring, too, but we're not talking about Spring now, are we? We're talking about Fall so pay attention and stop thinking about Spring. They're like the same season. One is getting warmer while raining all the time and the other is getting colder while raining all the time. There, I put it into perspective.

Since fall is clearly upon us, I thought that a good way to go would be the "I'm not done with Summer" route with a lemonade. There are certain things I like about lemonade and one of those things is pulp. I enjoy nice, pulpy lemonade. It makes me feel like a kid and their mom's dirty hands were crushing lemons to make an enjoyable drink. This does not have pulp and although I cannot really penalize them for it, I can still want it in there for cripes sake. There is a good sour taste to it and, as mentioned on the bottle, there is real blackberry juice in it, which you can taste, and tastes good. Made really makes good lemonade. No, this is not as good as the blueberry one, but it doesn't mean that it's not good. It's a great, sweet lemonade that I have unfortunately never seen outside of a discount store which means that either people never "got" Made or that they made too much. I hope it's the latter and not the former because they made a consistently good product.

Stopping at a gas station was difficult for James. He had a bit of a "thing" when it came to using public toilets. It seems that most times when he goes to use a rest stop bathroom, he has to get a key chained to a giant piece of wood and then when he gets into the bathroom it smells and there is almost all times feces on everything. James has had bad luck with bathrooms to say the least.

One time he went to a gas station in Maryland and needed to go to the bathroom. He knew what he was in for but knew that he had to go through it all the same. He talked to the attendant to get the key and the attendant was a kind, attractive young woman who said, "Oh, I'm sorry sir but our public bathroom is out of commission." James really had to go and the woman noticed and said, "Sir? If you'd like, you can use the employee bathroom. It's right through here." James light up like a Christmas tree. He was so happy that he was getting treated with respect and that someone was helping him out at a gas station for once. The bathroom was in immaculate condition and he couldn't be happier. He left the bathroom and thanked the woman.

Thirsty, James scoured the drink cooler and found a bottle of a lime iced tea. He thought that he had grown tired of lemon and regular iced tea and it was time for a change. He thanked the lady for the use of the bathroom and her sunny attitude and then left.

In his car, he took a sip and was once again pleasantly surprised. It was a naturally sweetened iced tea with a good but not overpowering lime flavor. James' bad gas station streak was over. He put his keys in the ignition, started the car, put the car in drive and began to drive off when he heard a loud sound. He stopped the car and looked around but didn't see anything. He continued to drive and as soon as he took his foot off the brake it made the same loud sound. He stopped the car and got out only to discover that his wheels had been stolen. His best gas station experience had promptly turned into his worst.

If you spent a lot of money on a blueberry drink, took a sip, and immediately felt ripped off, this drink is for you. This is the drink you would make if you bought that drink, got frustrated, went to the store, bought a box of blueberries, went home, juiced them, and added a little sugar.

The thing about this drink is that it might be better than blueberries. I am not the world's strongest proponent of blueberries. Unless they are really fresh, they are too squishy and I do not like the texture. I do like the taste but texture is everything and I just don't like it. Blueberries are such a “limited time offer” that it's hard to get behind them. This is better than blueberries because it is clearly a juice at heart with sugar to actually calm it down. I don't know what science the Swedes used to make this but they should keep it up because it's great.

If blueberries stayed firm and tasted like this drink, I would eat them by the handful everyday, increasing my antioxidant chart to frighteningly high levels where I might be immune to small gauge bullets. Until then, I am well less than immune.

You know that a drink cannot surpass "three bottles" when with every sip you wonder if it has gone bad. I am half way through this bottle and, as aforementioned, I don't know if it's going to kill me or not. It could be the maple syrup that my palate is not used to but it's not like anything that I'm used to.

The strawberry though...that is real. It tastes like someone took an iced tea sweetened with maple syrup and just squished some strawberries into it. It tastes natural. I can honor that part of it. The maple syrup part of it...that's just odd. Call me an "ignorant American" Canada, but this kind of makes it taste funny.

Maple syrup. You're great on pancakes. Stick to pancakes. You're good on that.

Herman the local meteorologist was very concerned about two things. The first and foremost is the weather and atmospheric conditions. It is his livelihood. It helped him put his kids through college, buy that eight series Bimmer he's always wanted, put a roof over their heads and food on the table. He is constantly studying weather patterns to try to be on top of his game and be the best at predicting what's going to happen so the people of his fair city don't get caught in surprise thunderstorms or bundle up for perfectly clear and warm days.

The second is pure, unaltered food. He proudly condones the raw food diet, eats a lot of nuts and seeds as snacks, and will never order meat prepared any other way except raw. He likes his cheese stinky and his juice pulpy. The later of which on one particular day would merge his two loves together to form one super products for Herman.

Herman went into an Asian grocery store as he did most days to pick up things like bok choy, durian, and fish. He was about to walk out and saw a new orange drink. He picked it up to see what was in it and one of the ingredients was called "white cloudy." In addition, it was also bottled with pulp. He decided to bring it to his office and give it a try while watching the doppler radar for inconsistencies.

He sat down and opened the can and was blown away. It was the pulpiest drink he had ever drank and whatever white cloudy was, it was like the white, fluffy clouds of the heavens opened up and gave him this drink. It tasted like a tremendously pulpy orange juice that was perhaps a little sweeter than regular orange juice.

That day he was so excited he stayed late at work, did research on a tornado, and stopped to get another can at the store on his way home. He had truly found a drink made for meteorologists with a special ingredient tailored for them.

The tropics must have been going through a storm when this drink was made. You know the type that I'm referring to, the kind that blows garbage all over your lawn. You always say you're going to cut down those hedges because all they do is collect garbage and take up your limited front yard but every time you go in the shed to get a saw, you remember that you don't want neighbor dogs defecating on your yard. Well that garbage filled yard is like what this drink taste like: a diet tropical garbage citrus storm.

Right off the bat the Stevia is bastardizing whatever is in this bottle so I cannot get a good read of any flavors without being rudely interrupted by your highness. There might be a mango or a pineapple in here but I wouldn't know because, much like Adam Levine's number one biggest and fattest fan pushing her way up to the front of the crowd, Stevia is shoving it's way all over your poor taste buds.

Sometimes you wonder why drinks are on sale and then you drink things like this and realize why. Questions and answers wrapped into one cheap, 473ml bottle of diet sweetener.

Oh look, a lantern. It would be awesome if this was a...woah, it is a magic lantern. What's up, genie? Herb? Your name is Herb? Cool. I thought it would be something more, I don't know, majestic, but Herb is fine. Oh, oh, really? I get three wishes? This is awesome. I wish it were brighter in here so I could get around. I don't know how I got to this section of the castle. I was just checking my text messages and emails and walking aimlessly and ended up here. Oh...what the...that was a wish? I guess I did say, "I wish it was brighter." That one is on me, herb.

You know what? I'm thirsty. Could I have something to drink? No, what kind of a genie, oh, I get it. "I wish I could get something to drink. Woah. Do you have unlimited glitter? That's pretty cool. You'd be a hit in an art school. People would lay down some lines of glue and then all the kids would say, "I wish we had glitter!" and you would do your magic and art would happen.

Oh, you know what? I don't drink alcohol. Could I swap this with a non-alcoholic drink? What? I have to wish it? I have to say, "I wish this was non-alcoholic" for you to do it. That's...no...wait...come on! I just blew three wishes on light and one drink that I didn't want and one that I did want? This better be one heck of a drink, Herb. Ugh, what is this? You just took the alcohol out and left whatever else was in there? This is really bad. It's got a split second of candy sour apple and then it's just overwhelmingly terrible almost alcoholic tasting. It's kind of bitter like they might have used bad apples. Herb. Did you poison me? You didn't? Man, I wish you did. Wait...no!!!! Oh, I wasted my wishes. Now I'm kind of glad I wasted those because I would have just killed myself. Suicide by genie. That would be something. Thanks, Herb. Can you tell me how to get out of this castle? No? Alright, Herb. Thanks, I guess.

I should start by saying that what I wanted to drink today and review was a milk tea that Jay and I picked up with Editor Dan on some random trip to Toronto. What in the world were we doing there? Nothing? Just getting drinks? There had to be a reason why we went. Well anyway, that was last year and that milk tea expired in January of this year. Yes, January. We are now in September and this drink, containing milk, expired eight months ago. I thought it best to play it save, chalk it up as a loss, and drink something a little safer.

Which brings us to this drink. Once again, the lovable and beardable Editor Dan bought us a handful of drinks, this being one. I am an enormous fan of the Hint, Ayala, and infused waters. This, though, was different. What was different? Well, if you couldn't guess, it was carbonated. If you have ever drank a sparkling water, AKA "seltzer" you know that there is a strange almost bitterness to it. This contained that oddity. It's strange that if you add carbonation to regular water it tastes like you've carbonated water that has been sitting in a cup for a week at room temperature. This tastes like regular old seltzer water with watermelon flavoring. It's not as strong as say a Polar or Seagram's seltzer, which makes it "worse." "Worse" is a relative term but it's simply not as good.

If you're going to want infused water, get a regular Hint because they are pretty wonderful. If you want a sparkling Hint, stop wanting that and just get real seltzer water.

Mojitos aren't just for the Mexican or the lovers of Mexican food anymore! Was it ever that way? I rarely see people drink let alone drink mojitos. I like the idea of mint in a drink but there is an awful lot of mint in a mojito. People sit there and stab away at the mint and hope that they didn't just pay twelve dollars for ice and mint. Before we go any further, I know mojitos have lime and not lemon, but this very closely resembles that of a mojito so I'm going to push forward with it as is.

This is actually pretty refreshing drink. Light but adequate mint and equal parts lemon meet in the middle, shake hands like they sold each other a car at a very reasonable price, and do so very maturely. This does taste a bit like a watered down and for some reason minty lemonade but it's far enough away from it that I shouldn't bother mentioning it. It's just too bad that keyboards don't come with some sort of key that I could go back and erase. I mean, typewriters had it. Seems like an odd thing to forget after all these years.

Summer? Yes but for a limited time. If you can, find this, enjoy the sun, and try to surf. Even if you can get up for a couple seconds, that's enough to get the itch, right?

It as if nature knew I had bought this cider because it decided to drop the temperature twenty five degrees. All of a sudden, I want to just walk around wearing a hoodie with headphones on and not acknowledge anyone or anything, as I enjoy doing because I can be a bit of an introvert and sometimes enjoy when people think I'm just creeping around. I'm not, I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone for a little bit. If those same people knew that I was thinking of things like apple cider, they would probably be alright with me lurking around the city.

I rarely eat candy apples and eat caramel apples even less. Why? Well, a beard does not mesh well with a ball of sticky candy, for one. For two, they are impossible to eat on their own. I thought that if I got this I could drink the fall up in an old coffee cup. Was I right? Sure, if you are concerned about drinking all that fall has to offer and, even in your imagination are concerned about your weight.

This initially tastes very strong. The first two or three sips really taking some getting used to as this cat is a sweet treat if I have ever had one. Subsequent sips are a mix between a pretty good rendering of a liquid caramel apple and a rendering of a liquid caramel apple of your gluttonously and stupidly dipped your caramel apple into aspartame. Ahh, yes. The ingredient that we all loved in the early nineties but now venomously despise is back and hiding in our caramel apple drinks. The sweetener is very strong but the flavor of the cider is pretty good and close to it's model so I can only penalize it so much. It tugs me in both directions so much that I can only cop out and give it a three and wonder how long it's going to take me to get through the other seventeen K-Cups. Dilemma.

Remember when you were a kid and you would drop something, like ice cream on the street, and the next day you would walk down that very street and there would be a seemingly infinite amount of ants on it? I feel like if you spilled some of this on the ground, ants would come from all corners of the earth. Anyone who has a dog knows that you could be anywhere in the house and if you as much as touch a receptacle with food in it, the dog is right there, faithfully by your feet. Fruitopia is like that to ants.

Doing my most careful attempt at not spilling any in fear that ants would inhabit my body as a home for themselves, I drank this perhaps faster than I needed to. It was good, though, so it wasn't like I had to choke it down. It was, quite literally, a strawberry juice with passion fruit in it. Not an inventive review, I know, but there are no clever branding techniques or misinterpreted messages. Strawberries and passion fruit: Done and done. Check and check.

I finished the can at night and did an attempt to take a picture on a building ledge but was unsatisfied so I left it in my car to take a picture of today with the fear that I would open my door and a frightening mass of ants would just fall out like the world's most awful prank.

I walked into the beer merchant in my city knowing full well that they have a decent selection of non-alcoholic drinks. Someone mentioned to me previously that they had the Lester's Fixins chicken wing pop but they didn't tell me that they had a couple different ones there. I thought, you know what? I'm going to share this with my good friend Lauren and maybe some kids. I'll get something kid friendly and perhaps more interesting. Welp, I'm the fool because this was completely and utterly disgusting.

Travel back in time to when you were around four and your parents bought you a new cooking set with fake food in it. Remember when you could get plastic food that actually smelled vaguely like what it was supposed to be? Well be a four year old idiot and make and eat a plastic piece of jelly and you've got this drink. It tasted like melon flavored plastic, nothing like what it should have tasted like. No peanut butter, and not strawberry or grape jelly either. Oh you know that old American lunch staple of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no peanut butter and melon jelly served in and around a plastic plate that you just eat the whole thing of like this is your first time eating a piece of Cinn-a-burst gum and you heard you can eat the wrapper, too. Exception being that Cinn-a-burst was fantastic gum and this pop sucked more than my fantastic Dyson vacuum and that thing truly never clogs. It just keeps sucking just like this crappy pop.

Shakes the clown did not get his name for good reasons. He was known for shaking very badly while making balloon animals. He never knew why he shook and didn't ask a doctor until a group of kids were picking on him for being at a birthday party and it took him a long time to tie a knot.

He went to the doctor and the doctor asked him what was on his mind. Shakes, or to the doctor, Gerald, said that he didn't know what happened. The doctor asked him about a normal day and Gerald said that he would wake up, drink a bottle of mango iced tea, and go to work. The doctor asked him what brand of drink it was and he said it was called "Zum XR" and the doctor gave him a look, took off his glasses, and gave him a little chuckle. He said, "Gerald, do you feel fine for about a half hour and then start to shake?" Gerald said that he did. He said that he really likes the flavor of it. He said it tasted great and you could taste both mango and a decent, smooth not bitter green tea. It was well sweetened and he liked the little balls in the bottom. The doctor asked Gerald if he knew what the balls were. Gerald said that he didn't know. The doctor told him that it was time released energy beads that was just giving him too much energy and his body couldn't handle it. Gerald was happy that he knew what it was but sad that he might have to stop drinking his favorite drink.

The next week, Gerald went back to work for kids birthday parties and felt like he was doing the best because he wasn't shaking. He could tie balloons no problem. He had no problem squirting water from his lapel flower. He never missed another pie in the face. At the end of the shows, though, at least one person would ask him why he was called "Shakes" and he said that he used to shake all the time. The kids actually missed the shaking and he missed his favorite drink. He made the tough decision to be worse at his job but to enjoy his drink and live up to his namesake again. Shakes the clown was back!

Oh Country Time. Many people are city folk but some enjoy slower, more rustic times. Times like not having to wear shoes, constantly eating assorted pies, chewing stalks of straw, tractor pulls, and the soft, soothing sounds of alternative rocker Chris Gaines. Did you know that if you live in an official, federally accepted "country" town, you could get any Country Time products for free, within reason? It's not anything they advertise because they would lose money. Think of it like the "secret menu" that some restaurants have that serve you things like the bacon wrapped bacon burger or the Cobb salad.

In the country, miraculously, everything is powdered. I think it's to conserve space. Do you know how when people from the country complain that buildings in the city are too close together? It's because in the city, things are stored in their natural state and they stack them up and take up a lot of space. In the country, everything is wet because in order to get everything to their intended state, you have to add water to it. Add water to a can of chairs, go make a sandwich, and you will come back to a nice, assembled set of wet wooden chairs. Add water to a tin of boots and in no time, you will have a nice, wet pair of steel toed boots ready for use on the farm.

When you add water to this powdered strawberry lemonade, you are promptly provided with rather good lemonade. Sure, there is no pulp, but there is plenty of sour and tartness. It is made from real sugar, powdered of course, so it tastes like a classic lemonade with quite a bit of very good strawberry flavor.

Country life can be thought of as difficult but for some it is the only life they know. They know the importance of keeping your tins of powdered product dry because in the case of a flood, there will be destruction because everything will expand to its natural size. You could leave for your honeymoon and the town could have a flood, come back, and your roof will be of the house because all the furniture, flatware, coat racks, televisions have expanded to full size and filled up the small closet where they were being kept. Be careful in the country. It's very dangerous while wet.

Finally. My last bottle of Chubby. I bought this in the early stages of Thirsty Dudes and it has just been sitting on different shelves awaiting my acceptance. After that cream soda...ugh...I've been dreading this day. Was it as bad as I thought? No but not by much. It tastes more like carbonated bubble gum cake or ice cream than actual gum.

It's not too sweet which is a godsend otherwise I would have thrown this little number into the street with complete disregard to things like decency, etiquette, manners, and other people. It sucks, but it sucks a lot less that I was worried about.

You've had a watermelon, right? They're great. Seedless you get to eat and not worry about seeds. Seed-full and you get to spit seeds all across town like it is the twenties and you are some sort of fruit crazed mobster just spraying out your friend's car window. Sometimes you get a watermelon that is a bit too soft for your comfort but I think that the flavor is always pretty decent. It's just the texture that goes with old age in a watermelon. The people at Day's have never had a real watermelon a day in their life and this drink is the proof. This tastes like watered down candy watermelon. It's almost flavorless. It just tastes like carbonated sugar water and before you get all "all pop is is carbonated sugar water" this time you would be right. There's a real lack of flavor going on in this too-big bottle.

For all of the children of yore, this is not the watermelon you remember. This is some new, space watermelon that lacks everything that made the classic watermelon great. Flavor, seeds, and the ability to see how long it would take you to spit a mouthful of seeds.

You know that I drink a lot of stuff, right people? A lot. I would say that we drink more drinks that 99% of the rest of the world which, finally, puts us into that equal parts idolized and hated 1%. Ahh, the one percent. The air up here is just nicer to breathe. Filled with the scents of the most exotic of woods and scented oils. The people are all very easy to look at and their clothes are made from materials so soft that if the rest of you heathens as much as touched them, you would never be able to touch anything else because your fingertips would quite literally revolt from your hands. You will have to wait for eye scanning because your fingertips will be blank and you will never be able to use a biometric scanner ever again. Our hair is styled from both the greatest living hairstylists for free as our shoes are shined by perfect robotic representations of the world's finest dead shoe shiners.

We are also provided, at gratis, the finest drinks. We receive soda pop with all natural flavors and just the right amount of fizz. What do you get? You get drinks like this that could be personified as boring, tired, and characterless. While I am drinking something that was made from fresh fruit, you are drinking something that in every sense of the word is artificial. I am drinking something carbonated to my liking and you are drinking this drink that might as well be a juice due to the lack of fizz.

In order to get where we have gotten you will have to work very hard, know the right people, and do some schmoozing. It's all part of a days work and since none of us have to work any more, it does leave time to clean up at the back nine, polish off a case or two of the finest cigars, once again, for free, and shop for things we don't need like chrome shoes, personal elephant groomers, diamond Montblanc pencils, and heated cat hats. Which reminds me, I've got to pay my tie repairman and personal closet organizer before the end of the week or my life will just be the pits.

Carl was a pretty cool dude. He always wore a jean jacket no matter what the weather was. He always wore jeans and a white shirt. Now that I think about it, it sounds a lot like someone else we know about. He would always go around slamming jukeboxes in fifty's style restaurants even though it never worked and more than likely would get him yelled at by the staff. They knew what he was up to and they weren't buying it. It was one thing when he was in his twenties but in his forties and into his fifties, it seemed as if he was holding on to something for too long.

One day while riding his motorcycle down a highway, he stopped at a gas station to get something to drink and fuel up. He filled up the tank and went into the shop and grabbed a pre-made turkey sandwich and a bottle of the shops own cherry pomegranate iced tea. He sat down outside under an umbrella to eat before hitting the road again. He took a bit of the sandwich and it was not very good but when he took a sip of the iced tea, he was relieved. It was a good iced tea that somehow tasted like cherries, pomegranate and still left room for some iced tea taste. It wasn't too sweet and he knew that he was going to have no problem choking down that awful sandwich after this rather good drink.

As soon as he finished lunch, a group of three teenage kids started walking towards Carl. He thought they were going to make fun of him for being "too old to be cool" or something. They walked up and said, "Hey, that's a really nice bike." and Carl lit up. He thanked them and let them sit on it. It was time for everyone to leave and he gave everyone high fives and as the last one left, the youngest one told Carl, "You're a pretty cool dude." and that's all that he needed to feel like a million bucks again.

Jay says to me he says, "We've got this briefcase of drinks and they're like protein drinks but they don't taste like protein drinks." Then he hands me a cardboard briefcase of these drinks. How can I turn down a proposal like that? I could be a high power, yet ecologically concerned, sales person in the time when kids used to have those clear, acrylic backpacks so teachers could see what they are carrying in case they are carrying bombs and/or guns. Ahh, this post-911 world is something, isn't it? We've got to carry around briefcases made of cardboard with little see-through holes so you can see, "No, ma'am. That's not a gun. That's a protein drink. No need to phone the police on me. Have a nice day, now. That's for assuming that because I have a beard and tattoos that I carry around weapons."

So I've got this briefcase of drinks and Jay blows through the other ones and says, "You do the watermelon." Don't have to ask me twice. I drink it and it's good. It's like a Vitamin Water but maybe a little thicker. Not "protein drink" thick, but thick enough for me to feel the need to mention. There wasn't any gross, artificial sweetener taste to it regardless of it actually having an artificial sweetener in it. Then again, actual Vitamin Water doesn't use real sugar and it doesn't taste gross so they might be on to something.

The watermelon flavor is a bit "candied" but isn't so sweet that it is like liquid watermelon candy; a though that makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about. It's not too strong of a watermelon flavor either so it's not offensive even of itself.

Look; yes. I had a briefcase of drinks and although I knew a kid in high school that had a bit of an issue with a pipe bomb, there is no need for me to carry that thing around with me. I can carry opaque stuff just like anyone else and if a cop wants to ask to see what's in my bag, please do. Enjoy my assortment of drinks, inevitably varied metal, pop, and indie rock records, and whatever else I've got in that thing. You sir, you wasted your time because that guy across the street probably has a pound of weed in his hemp, drawstring backpack. I mean, come on, officer. He's wearing a tie dye Grateful Dead dancing bear shirt in the year 2013. No way he'd pee clean.

There is both something about Mary and something about peaches. Mary had a certain "cuteness" and liked the "underachiever" a bit. That made her approachable but still frightening because there was no telling why she didn't like "normal" guys. Peaches are a bit more complex. It might be due to my hatred of using napkins and my simultaneous hatred towards leaky fruit but I don't like 'em. This, though, I wish it had some sort of nutritional value because it's good.

Yeah, I know. Us drink elitists should have higher standards when it comes to what we like but this, HFCS and all, is pretty good and at the top of the charts when it comes to peach pop, not that there is a lot of competition. What do I like about it? It's adequate sweetness and the fact that it doesn't linger like that friend from high school that wants to catch up with you when you're carrying two gallons of milk and a handful of groceries and are on the phone with your mom.

Even with that glowing recommendation, I cannot finish a simple coffee cup full of it, let alone the generous portion inside of the bottle itself. Fruit pop does that to me.