Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Gerald, you just won a big race but I didn't tell you that I have a flat tire and we actually have to run to return this copy of "Bridemaids" to the video store and it closes in fifteen minutes. I have for you a small bottle of energy water. It's like water but it's got some extra goodies in it. What goodies? I don't know; what am I, a scientist? Did I make the drink? No, Gerald. I did not make the drink. Every minute that we're stuck talking about the drink is time that you could be running to the video store. Yeah, I'm surprised that they made the movie on VHS, too but they did. What do I look like, Gerald? A rich person? Only rich people use DVDs. Blu-Ray? What's that?

What does it taste like? Jesus Christ, Gerald. It tastes a little like Tang but a little bit thicker and a little bit more diet. It's good. I had one and I'm wasting my energy talking to you about the where's'it's and who's'it's of this drink. Just get out of here. You don't have to worry about your precious figure because there are no calories in the entire bottle.

Thank you, Gerald, for finally returning my video. Now when you get there, see if they have a VHS copy of "Bachlorette." I'm on a real "bad girl wedding" tear right now.

Orange and gross. If you speed drink this, it might taste good. It does have a good initial orange juice taste but as soon as the orange goes down your gullet, it is promptly shoved, quite rudely out of the way, by a bitter taste. Do not for a split second think that this cacao has anything to do with chocolate because if it tasted like one of those fantastic orange chocolate balls, I would order a case of this. That is absolutely not the case and is actually the polar opposite.

You end up racing against that nondescript putrid taste by drinking and it's just an endless race. I checked the expiration date multiple times because I thought it had gone bad. Why wouldn't you just buy orange juice? That's all you want out of this drink is for it to taste like orange juice. The other stuff you can leave behind regardless of its healthy goodness. Eat a salad. Leave this on the shelf.

Finally. Look, when I was a kid I could probably stomach super sweet all of the day, but now I've got to watch what goes into me. This isn't one of those "I'm getting old" things but I don't need that stuff anymore. Kid stuff. I'm as immature as I can be but when it comes to "kid food" that stuff straight sucks. This is the first strawberry pop I've had that doesn't make me want to just save the dentists of the world some time and knock out my own teeth. It's real "candy strawberry" tasting but it's not too sugary. It's also not lingering thanks to the real sugar and not corn syrup. Get it in and get it over with. This one is a win.

I can near guarantee, with no need for research, that there have been unsuccessful mobs. Mobs and gangs are a tough racket. Unless you're one of those motorcycle gangs that look like the toughest dudes ever that secretly raise money for kids with cancer, you're always on the lamb. Especially when you're well known and people know not to mess with you, everyone waiting until you slip and leave a print somewhere. You're always looking behind you thinking people are watching you. Maybe Rockwell was in a gang and he felt like people were watching him, something to think about.

If a mob spent, nay, wasted their time making pop, I would say that they would be better off just boosting cars because that's a waste of time. You're probably not making that much money and your overhead is way too high. You've got machines, staff, social security, tax and not just smooth dudes working their way into purses and pockets stealing keys and hitting the road with a fresh "slightly used" Lincoln MKZ to sell one town over.

This pop especially is nothing to "go straight" for. It's not as strong as some more cheap, run of the mill black cherry pops, which is a good thing but nothing special by any means. It tastes like black cherry and is carbonated, so if you really like black cherry pop, this could be on the board of "go to's" but it doesn't really stand out.

If you are going to be in the gang or the mob, do it right and be that guy that finds things that fall off a truck, not the guy that has the hook up on otherwise generic pop. You're above the law and below the radar. Make the most of it. You don't need to kill anyone but you could be a modern day Robin Hood. Just think of it that way when you're driving some day trader's Porsche Panamera down the street without his knowledge.

Oh you hate energy drinks? First, "hate" is a strong word. Hate should only be assigned to things like racism, which should, in itself be abolished. Such a vague, ignorant statement, but I'm saying that the word "hate" should be more reserved than it is.

Secondly, you can now put an asterisk next to your previous ignorant statement because this doesn't taste like an energy drink. It is still an energy drink, yet it actually tastes pretty good. It tastes a little like everything and a lot like fruit punch. The acai is a little overpowering but not offensively. The pomegranate and blueberry are there but not really distinguishing enough to call them what they are.

Fruit distinction aside, this is good. It's light, not too sweet, and still a deceiving energy drink. You tricky bastard. You're going to accidentally make parents lose their mind because they're going to buy juice thinking it's just juice and they will read the fine print and quickly realize why their kids are just non-stop running around in circles constantly narrowly avoiding the grasp of the parent's hands. Sorry parents. Don't say that I didn't warn you.

No longer a one trick pony, Cheribundi has turned the world of cherries on its head yet again. Yes, they started with cherry only drinks. Then they had that little chocolate number that was pretty good. Now they've crossed the lines into the world of "regular" juices.

Drinking this makes me wonder why more companies don't use cherries. Cheribundi claim that each bottle of this stuff has twenty cherries in it. That's a lot of cherries. I don't think that I would eat twenty cherries in one sitting if I had a bushel of cherries at my disposal. This spoils me with its cherry intake.

How does it taste? It tastes like tart cherries but is "cut" with apple juice and sugar so it's not too tart. The raspberry is still in the mix even with the often overpowering cherry juice. If you are at all wondering, no, this doesn't taste like cough syrup so don't even think about that entry level cherry drink nonsense. Cheribundi has been consistently "Luden free" since I drank my first drink. They prove that it is possible to tame that wild beast and add a little raspberry pizzazz while they're at it.

If dogs had teeth like the dog on this they would be hunted for sport. I think the only things that have teeth like this are snakes and kids drawings of dinosaurs. Perfectly matched teeth that are insanely sharp and could cut through an arm or a leg as easily as it could a car tire.

Just looking at those teeth and the title of "orange bite" I was kind of hoping I would get some sort of orange ginger beer. Did I get that? No. I did not get that. What did I get? A pretty generic orange pop. Is that what I wanted? Not particularly.

Don't put such a fierce snake-a-saurus-dog on a bottle of something called "orange bite" and not give it that bit it deserves. If you've had orange pop before, you can cross this off you list.

Never in my life have I tasted a pop that tasted "watered down" until now. It's not that the flavor is bad it just tastes a little weak, like the mix is off. It tastes as if they only had 75% of the ingredients to make a full batch and they decided, "Hey, you know...we're not going to do three quarters of a batch. That will cut into our profits. Let's just make a full one and hope no one notices."

Stretched out flavors aside, it's good. It has a decent bite with some good, sweet licorice flavor. It's as good as it can be and I think one thing that makes it better is looking at the still ultra attractive Elvira. You've still got it, girl. Now if your sponsor could spend as much time on their mix as you do on that shape of yours we'd have a delicious treat here.

There is a battle in this bottle. It is a fierce battle like a 1993 WWF Royal Rumble. Folding chairs? Check. Eye gouging a'plenty. Why is there fighting? You've got coconut doing its chalky duty and the coffee latte doing its thing. As long as the bottle stays cold, latte wins and it's drinkable and pretty enjoyable, actually.

For a coconut drink, my well-documented not-favorite drink, I thoroughly enjoyed this. As a matter of fact, my buddy Dan and I nearly finished the whole bottle very quickly. Back and forth: a sip for me, a sip for you. We were waiting for the time where coconut reared its dominant head and started to taste like drinkable bleach. We rushed through it and it was great. You did it again, Zico. Now mix this and the chocolate and make a mocha. I want royalties on that idea. I'm serious. This review is time stamped. If you come out with it after this I have record that I came up with the idea first. Just send me a case when it comes out and we can go from there.

When I was in college, pretty exclusively now that I think about it, I ate a lot of oatmeal. It was cheap. Yes I ate my fair amount of ramen but that comes with the territory. Had I known that ten years later I would be drinking oats, I would tell you that would be disgusting. Was ignorant, uneducated, me right? Future, smart, attractive me says, "Eh, 70%."

What you've got is an artificially sweetened apple juice that tastes more like a weak cider than an apple juice which actually give it a better rating that if it were just apple juice flavored apple juice. Where did that extra 30% go? Well it's simple. If you artificially flavored plastic beads to taste like artificially sweetened, light apple cider, you would have it. I can't pinpoint what makes that true but it is as true as non-provable stats can be.

You were close Sneaky Pete, but you left the bottle in the sun too long and let it infuse itself into your drink.

After yesterday's heart palpitations and then evening crash, it's amazing/stupid that I would drink another energy drink. Perhaps I felt the need to re-up myself to a standard energy level, of course forgetting that come eight o'clock, I can not be close enough to a pillow. We will see about that. Until then, allow my non-sleepy hands to tell you what I thought about this drink.

You all should know that I think acai is pretty bad. It's some newfangled superfruit that I was fine not knowing like that person everyone thinks is awesome but really offers nothing to the conversation. Acai was fine where it was, wherever it came from. Look at how much research I did on that. Acai, you generally suck. In this case, you are welcomly overshadowed by everyone's buddy grape and are presented with an energy drink that tastes a little bit powdery, you know, because it's made from powder, and tastes like a grape drink. Not the homage to Dave Chappelle with the lack of the word "juice." It's not too sweet and doesn't have that crap bitterness that acai brings with it.

I am feeling a bit lightheaded and I think I can attribute it to this drink but I've really been milking it all day for some reason. Probably because I don't want my body to fall asleep while I am not ready to. I also don't want the sweats and erratic heart beats that yesterday's energy drink brought us.

Right off the bat I would like to, like a solid jerk, stay on both sides of this fence. On one side, the one with the greener grass, hotter women, and more delicious hot dogs, this is a good energy drink. It tastes like alright lemonade but that's good because it doesn't taste like uber-sweet energy drinks. It doesn't have that offensive diet taste unless you let it sit there and drop to room temperature. That's when the sucrose rears its ugly head. These are all good with a little asterisk next to it what with it being a diet energy drink.

The other side of the fence filled with gross, wet hot dogs, women with poor teeth and even worse personal hygiene, and dead, dog urine soaked grass, come the bad parts. My gosh I would like these heart palpitations to stop. I ate a full lunch. A big old Greek-ish wrap filled with delicious fixins. Still, about a half hour after I started I'm having strange heartbeats. I thought this would be different because I ate but nope. I felt like I could run up and down the stairs a trillion times or that I should to work off the bad beats my ticker was making.

So there you go. Take your side. If you and your heart can take a punch, you are in luck. If you are sensitive to energy drinks I ask you to stay away and just drink coffee for your jolts.

I know. You thought of it. You're a genius. If only you had the money to start your own company to sell old cereal milk you would have been the genius behind this phenom of a company. Well I'm here to tell you that it was not as great as idea as you thought it was.

It's great when you do it at home because you ate the cereal and your mouth tastes like Cocoa Puffs but when you buy pre-bottles cereal milk, you're missing that aspect so it tastes like weak chocolate milk strained through someone's corn flakes. Is it bad? No. Is it good? Not particularly. It's got all the makings of a literal cereal milk but, as previously mentioned, it's lacking the actual action of eating and enjoying delicious chocolate cereal and earning the milk at the end.

So you made a good decision not following through with yet another one of your bright ideas because if you did, this review would be about your company and would hit uncomfortably close to home.

Honey jasmine, you say? No English on the bottle, you say? Hmm. Well...I'll take it! I'll take that and I'll take a delicious bahn mi. Now I will sit here and insult fourteen year old boys for not knowing about sriracha. I will talk about bands he hasn't heard of while listening to bands he hasn't heard of. I will take him through some rough streets whilst making jokes about adultery.

How do I feel about you? Well, I have mixed emotions about you. You are a good tea but you have your issues. You have a good, floral taste and you actually have that lovely bite from the green tea. You taste of jasmine and green tea and for that I applaud you. You are penalized for adding far too much sugar. It tastes like good sugar, but it is too much sugar. For that I do that thing where I rub my fingers in that "shame on you" or "tisk tisk."

All in all, we have insulted a kid for things you had no idea existed until you were well over his age and drank a decent tea. I'm not a betting man but I would have to say that you will have better days than this.

Who doesn't love Nutella? I heard the German's love it. I would like to hear from the source that this is true but when my brother went to Germany he told me that they sold it all over the place and had cereal with Nutella in it. That to me sounds like a dream come true. For that reason, I was pretty stoked when I heard Tim Horton's had a chocolate hazelnut iced cappuccino.

The last couple that I have reviewed have been a bit lackluster. I don't know what it was whether it was a mistake in the mix or something else but they have been less than stellar to say the least. This, although ordered as a regular and delivered as a supreme was pretty good. Not completely on par with Nutella, but along the same path. With the super thick, chocolate whipped cream, it made the drink pretty smooth and thicker than a regular iced cappuccino. There was so much chocolate that it just tasted like I was drinking chocolate milk and I am not totally alright with that. I would have enjoyed a little coffee flava rather than a barrage, albeit delicious, of chocolate thunderstorm.

Ratios people. Math and ratios can save all the drinks, and you said you would never use it. Y'all are idiots. Not use math, seriously? Learn a book, why don't'cha?

Inside of a round barn, it is fun to punish young children and have them go stand in the corner. In this round barn, it is fun to make root beer. I can only imagine the smell of that barn, all filled with the sweet smell of the nectar of the gods. Thing is, those gods are actual gods and, for good reasons, have the highest standards for root beer. It's their livelihood. That is what brings us to this root beer.

Yes, it is root beer and yes it tastes good. Problem is that is as far as it goes. It's not really exceptional in any regards. The root beer gods would drink this if they were, say, at a god of water's party; Perhaps a god of vengeance? This is because those gods don't know anything about root beer and just buy anything. This is not really dark or bold and doesn't have any of the goodness a high quality root beer has like anise or vanilla or licorice. It's just root beer. Take it or leave it.

The gods of root beer can hire the god of vengeance to do their bidding so do not cross them with sub par root beers. It is not wise.

I don't know about lime but I do know that this might taste like the leaves of the tree a lime came off of. Those South African's must have an odd palate because this tastes like it most certainly comes from the earth and not much else. It's not bad but it most certainly has to have a specific set of people that either like it or hate it. I drink it because I "have" to. That's not to insult the company because this drink may not be bad but I know that they are not catering to the masses with this one. It tastes like your drinking juiced leaves. Some people who read that might think that appeals to them when the rest, most of the population I presume, think that is gross.

For what it's worth, this cannot be that bad since I've finished the whole bottle and fans of the site know that I don't care if I have to stop drinking something that is not good. Why torture myself? It's not needed if it's not needed, you know? I didn't need to drink this entire bottle but I kept coming back for more. I don't know if it was the strange nature of the drink but as I progressed through the bottle, I became more immune to it's nature-nature and started enjoying it for what it was; a quasi-lime flavored seltzer water.

If you don't want to try something new, that's fine but if you are a [wo]man of adventure, try this out. Try it when you are hiking because you will certainly be welcomed with open arms by Mother Nature and her tree trunk arms. That's not a fat joke. I feel like Mother Nature's figure is much like those scrawny women who hula hoop in your local park at dusk.

I'm sorry about your jaw, honey. It's for the best, though, right? I mean, if you were going to have a life long issue with your misaligned teeth, it's probably a lot easier for you to have it wired shut and realigned for a couple months and never have to worry about it. I know it's impossible for you to eat solid food but we can blend and juice things so you don't have to eat ranch dressing for three months. Ugh, just the though of that...

I bought you a salad from that nice new restaurant. I know you can't eat it but I thought we could use that juicer that we got for a wedding present. I know; I didn't put it on the registry either. We might have used it once in the last five years we've been married. I bet your uncle Paul bought it for us. That tasteless gift would have matched perfectly to his Hawaiian shirt he wore to the reception. I saw it on the menu and I think you would like it. I dusted off the juicer and I'm going to make you a nice, tasty juice. Hold on a couple minutes and I'll get this ready for you.

Here you go, honey. It should taste just like the salad. It does, doesn't it? Yeah...wait. What do you mean you don't really like it? Can I take a sip of it? You know what? It makes sense. As a solid, it's great but salad was never meant to be a liquid. I can tell that it means well and you can kind of taste everything but there is a certain element of chewing that I expect and this seems a bit...pre-chewed, I guess. I don't want to go back to the ranch dressing and this is definitely better for you but I understand. You probably should drink the rest of this, like it or not because it has to be super healthy and also a great way for you to get all the nutrients you need pretty quickly. There is little to no nutritional value in salad dressing, just salad.

Yes, I did get a dessert. It's an ice cream sundae that I think will blend into a nice milkshake. I think we're safe there. This might have not been the best idea I've ever had and I will be the first to admit that.

Coffee, frappe, cappuccino, mocha, Frappuccino, Mochaccino...there is a lot going on these days in the world of coffee. Is it all good? Eh, it depends on who you ask and what you drink. Me personally, I don't like straight coffee but canned, usually of Far East descent I enjoy. When a Denmark makes a coffee, for some reason, I feel you should listen. This comes from no sort of knowledge of the country as a whole so if you know something about Denmark, and more specifically something that would validate/invalidate me, I'm all ears.

As I lead in with an intro like that, I quickly wonder why I spent the time to write it because this isn't particularly great by any stretch. Why? Well I'll tell you, why. Numero uno is that there is not enough coffee taste. With a "coffee" drink, I expect, nay, demand a coffee taste. This tastes mostly like a coffee flavored low fat milk. Milk first, coffee second. It's a little sweet but that's to be expected. If they could work out the ratio of coffee to milk that would make this great but it's a pretty wide miss as far as canned coffee drinks are concerned.

Mr. Brown, I once again would like to shake your hand for nailing this category and it's different blends and types of coffees out of the park. Illy, I have praised you in the past and although I am not looking down on you, I cannot in conscience mind recommend this product to my faithful followers. My apologies to you and yours.

Brian, Dad is going to be so excited when he gets home. He works long hours at the insurance company and he's always telling mom how he needs a drink so we're going to make him something. Let's look around the house and see if we can't find some stuff to make for dad.

Well first things first, all drinks need some water so here is a little water. Oh, grab those green apples over there and we'll mush those and put the juice into the drink. What else do we have? Bananas? No, we don't have any bananas. Red apples? Nope. Man, mom needs to go grocery shopping. Kiwi? well we don't have many of them but we do have some. Smash them and put the juice in this cup. What else do we have? A pineapple? Brian, that's going to be hard to juice. Yes, they're juicy but we're going to need to cut this thing up and get to smashing. Hand me that knife. I know mom says not to play with knives but I'm cutting a pineapple. What part of that is considered playing? That's right. None of it. Alright. It's cut. Quick, it's five o'clock and dad is going to be home. Hand me that pear and those lemons. We've got to get to juicing.

Alright. We are all juiced by hand and we've got a nice cup of green juice. I don't know why it's green. Sure, green apples are green and pears are green but the juice isn't green. Maybe this is what happens when you combine all these fruits. Let's taste it. We've got a tall glass and dad would want us to share, right? What do you think? Yeah, Brian. You are right. It tastes like a less sour, green Freezepop. How did that happen? We put fresh fruit in there and it tastes slightly better than a cheap popsicle.

Do you think Dad is going to like it? What do you mean he's home? When did that happen? We didn't have time to clean. Oh, man. Dad is going to be ticked. Well we will give him this glass and we will clean up in the...oh...hey dad. We made this for you. Yeah, I know we made a bit of a mess but we wanted you to have something to drink when you get home. We'll clean up before mom gets home so you don't get in trouble. What? Mom is home now, too? When did you guys stop using the garage door and start acting so stealth? She's going to be angry at...oh...hey mom. Yeah, well we were making juice for dad and we thought that we would have more time. Yes. We'll clean it up. Yeah. No dessert. We get it. We're sorry.