Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Deep in the jungles of Taiwan, there is a man called Hanklin. His mother wanted to name him "Hank" and his dad wanted to name him "Franklin" so they thought it would make the most sense to just combine them and everyone wins; everyone except for Hanklin who has a really dumb name.

Hanklin wanted to get out of the city. He was an extrovert. He moved to a jungle, hooked up a couple solar panels, built a 500 square foot house, and subscribed to satellite internet. Yeah, it's slower, but he's "off the grid." He works hard but doesn't do so well with others. He tends to lose his temper over dumb things like getting sand in his shoes, when he's eating a hamburger and the stuff on the inside starts to fall out, and when people don't hold the door for him when he knows they know he's coming. He was a raw plastic salesman that uses the term "remote office" to its fullest extent.

He works day and night which is fine by him. When he needs stuff, he drives the fifteen miles to the closest town and goes shopping. He tries to make as little stops as he can. One day, he went to town and bought a bottle of ice coffee. He usually just drinks bottled water but he just made a big sale and decided to "splurge" even though he makes over $100,000 and probably spends less than $100 a week to live. He got home with his many, many melons, odd cuts of odd meat, suntan lotion, cases of water, vegetables, and toiletries and decided to crack open his new drink.

He took one sip and was brought back to when he lived in the States. A more complicated time filled with excess, noise, and complicated decisions. The coffee was good but it was a bit too sweet for his liking. It wasn't too much that he couldn't drink it, but it was sweet enough that he wouldn't drink it again. It smelled good, tasted alright, and was tall enough to span two drink sessions.

When he finished the bottle, he put it in his one weekly garbage bag and went on with his life. After all, now he had the energy to start selling the new Polystyrene beads that they got very cheap at a high markup that will net Hanklin even more money that he won't spend.

Friggin' hot dogs, man. I love those guys. Jay and I used to have fantastic barbecues that would fill our entire front yard with punk kids who just wanted to have a good time. We lived in a nice, family neighborhood and these kids that were with us did not blend in. Nicest kids in the world, but not something you would expect to see in that place.

At the barbecue we would have hamburgers, hot dogs, veggie and non and an array of drinks. This is pre-Thirsty Dude so we didn't have the greatest stuff. Usually boxes of Gregory's, the straight edge box wine. One thing we did was get orange pop. Hot dogs are properly washed down with orange pop. I don't know what it is. It's probably the same thing that makes Papaya King make so much sense. This would have been a fantastic accoutrement…€Ž to those parties because it's a good orange. It's a standard orange but it's pretty crisp and not too sweet.

I would love to ask the new residents of that apartment if we could have a little cookout for old-time sake but I don't think they would like all those bikes in the front yard and Depeche Mode blaring on the stereo. I would though, brother. I would.

You know I don't like bananas, right both Ralph and Charlie? You know I do not like them. I know this is turning out to look like a real "green eggs and ham" type thing but I mean it. I don't like it. I know I'm not alone in this. It's not just my average complaint about how pears are terrible. It's a lot less. I just don't like bananas. But, and this is a big but that even the late Sir Mix-A-Lot would approve of, this doesn't really taste like bananas. The best banana is a banana that doesn't taste like a banana. That's what I've only said one time ever in my life. This tastes like a thinner orange smoothie, carrot, and maybe a trace of banana. It's good but somehow doesn't seem to have any sort of nutritional value. I don't really know how that is possible. I guess that 2% fruit juice from concentrate can only go so far.

Sir Mix-a-Lot is not dead. May he live forever in both spirit and every single karaoke night I go to nationwide.

There certainly are a lot of "waters" out there. There being the rough streets of Drinkburg. New ones come out every week and although we, the Thirsty Dudes, try to keep up, we're only three incredibly attractive men in our early thirties who look better naked than you could ever imagine. We cannot do it. We do our best, don't get us wrong, but between Glaceau coming out with new lines bi-daily and people trying to keep up, we simply cannot do it. What we can do, which we do do (poop) is drink more than we should to make as much as a dent as possible so that we make it easier for you to make informed decisions on things that you don't really care. You think we don't get it? We know our worth. We know that no one cares about half the stuff we drink but you keep coming back because we offer that "wow" factor...or something.

Slop drinks aside, this is not slop. Quite on the contrary, this drink is both refreshing and delicious. Yeah, you've had kiwi strawberry and you've also probably also had strawberry kiwi drinks and this, albeit not revolutionary or daring, is very good at what it does. It's lightly sweetened, quite fruity, water or, as I like to call it, a friggin' juice. I don't know the difference between this and a juice. Did the word "juice" somehow become offensive like the day I woke up and the term "Mulatto" was racist? Seriously. I was taught that term in school and, yeah, I'm progressive enough to move forward as soon as someone tells me what happened in the last twenty years that made that word and the word "juice" bad words.

Potential racism aside, this drink is pretty great and something about the word "grin" actually makes me smile. I feel like I don't hear it anymore. I need more grins, this drink, and a list of words I cannot use since I learned them in school and that's all I need. Oh, and this paddle game! And that's all I need.

This is the perfect coffee for me. I like the smell of coffee but the taste is too strong and bitter. It's just something I can't manage. I drink drinks with chunks in it without blinking and drinks hotter than the fires of hell but coffee I just can't handle. You can call me a baby. I don't give a rip. This though, this smells like a strong coffee, which worried me at first but at first taste I fell in love with it. It somehow keeps the scent but the sugar, which is pure cane I should add, smoothes out the drink to a delightful place that I could spend all day in. Oh chubby Famous House mascot. If you could come to life and sit down with me, I would treat you to a can of this. Why I'm treating you to a drink that your company makes seems dumb since you could probably manage to get free cases of the stuff but nonetheless, I am thanking you for making such a good drink. You should feel honored having your pudgy face on that can.

I'm sorry, sir. Did you give my son a lime with a razor blade in it for Halloween? I swear to God that if you did I am going to take the razor out of the lime and slice your throat. No, you listen to me. I thought that was just a scary thing we told kids to not take things from strangers but now that it's out in the open and people are doing it, I don't know what to do as a parent. I tried to move to a nice part of town and into a place where I my kids are safe, or at least I thought my kids would be safe. No, I'm not done talking. You come into this town thinking you can get away with this stuff. Don't you know there is a block club where we talk about stuff like this? Fine. What do you have to say for yourself, you scum?

You what? Don't you lie to me! I'm a very powerful mother with four kids and will not take any of your garbage. You gave them what? A drink? My son Danny told me you gave him a lime with a razor blade in it. Danny, you told me. No. I explicitly heard...Oh it was like a lime with a razor blade in it. Do you have any more? Jesus, you're right. It tastes like lemon lime pop but the carbonation is actually sharp. You said this is diet, too? Eh, it's not too bad and I'm always drinking diet stuff.

Mister. I'm very sorry. You have to see it from my point of view, though. If you heard that your kid had gotten something with a razor blade in it, you would freak out, too, and rightfully so. I'm sorry. Please come to our next block club meeting and I'll bake you some cookies. Have a good night and I hope I didn't scare away your trick or treaters. Then again, that's the point of Halloween, right? Ha. Could I have another bottle of that, please? It's pretty good. I'll toss in another dozen cookies. Thank you. Hey! There is a razor blade floating in this drink! Eh, I guess I deserved it. I was a real jerk to him, Danny.

I've been around for thirty years and I still don't remember when it gets warm. We in Western New York get spoiled once in January with a fifty-degree day and a little bit in May with near tropical temperatures then it drops back down. To psych myself out and make my dumb body feel like it's summertime, I cracked this bottle of vintage open. Vintage because it's been over a year since I've had this on me and have been, well, dreading drinking it. It gets a little more credit than I've given it though because it's not too bad. It's not too bad for a melted Popsicle, if I were twelve. I'm thirty. This takes me back to a lot of fun times as a kid and just being dumb. If you want to get dumb again, drink some of this with some friends you went to junior high with and play some street hockey, listen to Michael Jackson "Dangerous," and live it up. When this drink is done, you have to get in your sedan and get back to your desk job. The last fifteen years have sucked in hindsight, right?

This is the least dramatic Joia I have had. Is it still good? Yes. Is it as good? No. I enjoy the oddities that come from these guys. This one still has nutmeg and jasmine, which, for all intents and purposes, are strange ingredients. What does it do? It makes for some of the best sparkling orange juice I've ever had. I would amp it up, Joia. That's what you do. Ramp it up. Double the nutmeg. I want this to taste like a Christmas orange juice drank inside of a floral wonderland. This is just a great orange juice with fizzles. Yeah. Fizzles. I do what I want. This is great just not as great as I wanted it to be. Still got a four out of five. Even when they fail they win.

Sweet tea. I've spent too much of my life critiquing it. I won't let it go either. It's the simplest thing to make. Anyone can make it. Black tea. Sugar. Done. I've modernized it a little bit by adding Monin syrup but it's only concentrated cane sugar so it's the same thing just cleaner than cups and cups of loose sugar. As soon as someone wants to add anything, even something that is a tea like yerba mate, can throw it off. I have had a couple versions of yerba mate, too and this is strange mix. It's not a very good yerba mate as it has close to no bitterness. If you are going to call it one thing, deliver it on that one thing. It's as simple as that. As a sweet tea it's pretty close. You can tell that it's good sugar and good tea. It's a little "softer" than I would like a tea but it's good. If I went to a restaurant and they gave me this in a glass, I would be stoked because it's not garbage fountain syrup tea. If I had a handful of ice and a glass next to me, I would serve this to myself ice cold. This is good. I wouldn't be mad if they removed "yerba mate" from the line all together because this is my second one and I feel it's been lacking. Jesus I love sweet tea.

I don't eat tiramisu because I'm not a big rummy. Yeah, those tasty ladyfingers are soaked in rum and you serve it to your kids. I don't mean to get preachy but that's bad parenting. Giving kids rum. Look, if you want to rub some on their baby gums so they can make it through the tough teething process that's your call. I didn't and wouldn't but that's a freebee if you want it. Tiramisu, though: rummy. This is a Taiwanese coffee drink that tastes, or is supposed to taste like that dessert delicacy but doesn't really. As a coffee drink it's fine but as a cake flavored coffee drink it's just not there. It smells like cake but doesn't really taste like it. Sitting here with the empty can net to me wafting the coffee scented cake towards my nostrils is a constant reminder that it could have been good. I'm about to throw this can across the room since it smells so good but is about half as good as it is leading me to believe it is. This indestructible can is filled with disappointment and hype. It's good, but a let down. I wanted cake and coffee for breakfast. I only got coffee and the sensation of someone eating cake next to me and not sharing.

Pomegranate Lychee, huh? Yeah, I'll take it. Deliver it to my mouth; right in there. Wait...I asked for pomegranate lychee but you just gave me pomegranate. Sir? I'm sorry, sir? I asked for pomegranate lychee and you just gave me pomegranate. You're saying it is in there? Well I don't really taste it. I guess if I give you the benefit of the doubt and said that I might taste it at the very end but not so much as to call it out on the bottle. I will say, that is a fine bottle you've got there, sir. It's a shame that most people will throw it out and most of those people will not recycle it. Aforementioned issues aside, this is a good, sparkling drink. It's fruity and the fizziness gives it a nice touch. You've done a wonderful job even though you mislead me a tad with the whole "there is lychee in here" thing. We're over that now, though. We're bros again.

I have drank too much garbage whilst doing Thirsty Dudes to really be "nice" anymore. I see companies, typically small, doing really good things but then there are larger companies probably making just absolute garbage. This is candy. Kids will love this. It's almost completely devoid of anything fruit related and completely candy-esque. That being said, if they had a black cherry candy that tasted like this I would like it. As a pop it's simply too much. It's super dark, which is a selling point in root beer but not in something that's just too syrupy. No rewards given for a bad mix. That goes for live music as much as it goes for drinks. A bad mix kills everything.

When you are a kid you make a drink that we locally call "The Lasertron Special" where you take one cup and run down all the flavors in the fountain drink machine. This drink might as well be called that because that's what it tastes like. It's got the strange bubblegum taste of Kola Champagne and the creaminess of a cream soda and a little bit of, I don't know, like a ginger ale or something in there.

I think this drink is someone related to Irn-Bru because they both come from Scotland and have a similar taste and I feel similarly about them, not enthusiastic and apathetic. Sorry, Scotland. It's nothing against you; it's just against your taste in drinks. I haven't written you off yet, my kilted friends, so don't worry.

Did you see that? You didn't? Oh man. You missed it! You didn't see who that was? Oh man. It was Vincent D'onofrio; the greatest actor of our time. Uh, yes I do mean that. You know what...I'm going back. He deserves to hear about how awesome he is and how I was truly sad about Criminal Intent being off the air. I don't care that him and Eames didn't get together. They are a great team. I've got this bottle of Celebri Tea and since he is a celebrity...see what I'm doing here? I'm going to give it to him. Stay here.

Mr. D'onofrio. I've got this bottle of tea for you and I wanted to say thank you for your years of hard work on Law & Order. I really think you are a fantastic actor and although I know you were great in Adventures in Babysitting and Full Metal Jacket, I really think you came into your own on Criminal Intent. I just wanted to come over here to give you this bottle of tea as a thank you for your years of service to television. Why yes, sir. There is a sip taken out of it. It's like ninety degrees out here and I didn't plan on seeing you. This is all I have on me. A drink with a couple sips taken out of it. I'm giving the rest to you. I'm not sick or anything and look, it's still cold. Come on, Vince. It's really good. It's really bitter like a green tea should be and for the first time in a long time the Stevia isn't overpowering and lets the flavors really do their thing. It's fruity and is overall a pretty fantastic tea.

I'm just going to leave it here on this bench and leave you with this; you are a wonderful man and I'm happy to have met you. Please tell the rest of the cast that they were all spectacular and I was sad to see them go. Seriously, dude. Drink that tea. I don't want it to go to waste. If you...Vincent. If you are not going to drink it...fine. You know what? I'm taking it. It's so hot here. Jesus. What is this place? The center of the sun? Vinnie, you're great but I can't stand this heat. Take care of yourself.

Don't tell Jay, but I'm just drinking this now. It's been over a year since we've had it and I've been saving it for, well, now I guess. Was it worth it? Not really. No. It's not bad but I wanted this to blow my socks off. I've got this strange idea of what hibiscus should taste like and it rarely does. I've had a couple drinks that are absolutely stellar but I really think that I, me, myself, know what hibiscus really is supposed to taste like.

That aside, here is this drink. For those that know what things are supposed to taste like, this is a good drink. It's right on the fence between an iced tea and a juice. It's not bad at all. We've got hibiscus and then a strawberry aftertaste and then a moderately sweetened black tea sitting in the middle like the cream in an Oreo. I would love to have a strawberry hibiscus Oreos. I'm going to imagine that as I take my final sip of this long awaited bottle of iced tea. Sorry it's taken me so long, Jay.

Lightly sweetened? Yes sir. Mint? Yeah, sure. Whatever the heck guayusa is? Throw it in. Together you have created something that I think you might be able to get at the side of the road from a Mayan. Do Mayans still exist? Did Mayans use guayusa? For some reason, this feels like something that happens in antique times. Olden times. Classic times. Dusty times.

This is a nice traditional tea taste with a very light, good, non-toothpasty, mint flavor. It's a bit earthier than a black or a green tea. It's drier and maybe more bitter, almost like a mate. It's good. I like this and it is both refreshing and not terrible for you.

I know nothing about the Mayans and for that I am sorry but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt of being historically awesome at making tea. Do not take this as an insult. You are or were truly great at it.

I know. Can you believe it? We haven't done this. We have not reviewed this essential to the drink community. Yeah, I said it. Essential. I don't care. I just said it twice. You know what this tea is. This drink reminds you of different times, or at least it does for me. I used to drink this when I was younger and when I drink it now it reminds me of those good times; skating with friends or playing hockey in the street or all that stuff, always with friends. No social drink is more socially acceptable than "the Tallboy." This tea is good, too. Corn syrup? Who cares? You're a kid. Adults don't really drink this so as a kid, you don't really care what it's made out of. It's one dollar, tastes like a mediocre sweetened tea and threw some crude lemon flavor in there, canned it up, and sold trillions. I would like to love to know the amount of cans of this they sold. For me, it was this second to the green tea. It still isn't bad after all these years and I'm saying that as a man who is one month shy of thirty-one. Not bad at all. Welcome back to childhood everyone. Kids, stay here for as long as you can. Tyler, the Creator, keep spitting about cans of Arizona and skating.

If you kill enough people while being a member of the Yakuza, you get your profile on a can of sparkling tea. The numbers are not advertised but I've heard rumors that number is somewhere between twenty and thirty heads. It's a perk of the job. If you don't get caught in the act, you can't get in trouble for stuff. That's how it works in the Yakuza. It's an organized syndicate that for as much bad stuff as they do, probably does some good stuff. They might save kittens from trees and they might save people from burning buildings. If you are on the right side of them, they can be pretty good dudes.

You don't get to pick which flavor can you are on. You just get it. The latest star was put on a can of sparkling black tea with lemon. He threatened the person who nominated him with his life because the tea is so awkward. It's a sparkling black tea and that's fine but the lemon is almost like a candy lemon and something in there is a little bit botanical. Honestly, the whole drink was just kind of strange. Not bad but strange.

Like I said, the Yakuza can be alright. Hold the door for them when you see them at the supermarket. Don't talk at movie theater when they are there. Don't make a scene at a restaurant when they are eating close to you. You'll be fine. You like them but you don't want to make them one step closer to getting on a can using your head as a number.

I'll tell you what I don't like and then I'll tell you what I like. I like that I was scared to try this because it said "diet" and diet is synonymous with sucralose, aspartame, or some other borderline poisonous chemical. Anything to shed those extra inches, right? We're talking about things I like though, right? That's right. I'm still there. This isn't sweetened with those demons but it's sweetened with teeth's friend, Xylitol and the ever increasingly popular Stevia. As far as a lemon tea, it's pretty good. Speaking of "good," that's about it for the good.

The bad is that I was excited to taste a woody, bitter, adult yerba mate tea but the tag team of Xylitol and Stevia sweeten it up too much and erase whatever bitterness might have been there. I still don't hate those two but they are becoming a crutch that people don't know how to properly harness. Not everyone needs to have a super sweet tea. Some of us enjoy a weaker, lightly sweetened tea. Apparently Herbal Mist doesn't agree.

If I had to sum it up, which is what you want because of your non-professionally diagnosed ADD, this is a lemon tea sweetened with Stevia.

Super Juices might be the worst superhero troop of all time. Villains would essentially need to do nothing more than be bigger than the largest fruit so that they could squash it. A lemon can thwart all the criminals it wants but against, say, a sheep, it will get trampled. Sure, the lemon might try to squirt some stingy lemon juice in its eye but it's not going to stop the sheep when it's in some sort of sheep rage. Pigs are known terrors. You've seen Snatch, right? I mean come on. Do grapes really stand a chance? Nope. Even together, I welcome any animal that squashes them into a collective murder juice puddle so I can drink this juice.

Look, it's nothing exceptional but it does not go without mentioning that it is a good juice nonetheless. It's chocked full of all sorts of different fruits like plums, peaches, pineapple, black currant, elderberry and many more. It's actually kind of a waste that it's not more of a medley because it just tastes like a good pomegranate juice. Come on. If you're going to go through all the trouble to wrangle up camu camu, muscat grapes, and black raspberries, you shouldn't focus your efforts on just one dude. My two cents. This superhero isn't going to save me from anything other than if a banana shows up and wants to join in the festivities. If they do, super team, please save me.