Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Lemonade is tough, man. Well, actually. Lemonade is simple. I guess mass amounts of lemonade is tough because not many people get it "right." Some get it close. Some do a fair job. Some bastardize the second easiest drink created next to sweet tea, which is equally hard to mess up and equally hard to find a decent one. I'm not saying this isn't decent but I'm not saying it's anything more. It's certainly tart so they got that right but there is a certain flavor in the back of my throat that is just not common with lemonade. It could be the corn syrup that's allowing it to linger and get worse as it stays there but I'm not really counting that against them too much. Look, it's fine. If you want lemonade in the wintertime, you've done it. If you want lemonade for around a dollar, you've got it. If you want something that you can share with friends while you're skating around an empty parking lot working on your ollies and kickflips, you've got it. If you want something that you want to double down your investment and get it back tenfold, you're far off. This is fine. This is safe. This will sell. This has to exist. See where I'm going with this? It's average and will sell millions of bottles because it's just like what else is out there. It's not breaking any barriers and making anyone think but it's not supposed to. It's right where it wants to be and it's doing a great job being there. That's not where I go, though.

We've all licked an old woman before, right? Whether it be on a dare of for pleasure, we know what old women taste like. Whenever we, the Thirsty Dudes, drink anything lychee, it brings us to horrid nights where we used to spend time with old ladies. Dancing, swooning, and kissing on the cheek. Lucky for us, this drink was a little bit different.

Right off the bat, the cane sugar is apparent as can be and actually tastes very good. It's like it almost has a bite like it was freshly made with real cane. I do not doubt that it's real, but it's the freshness of it that took me off guard. The chunks are as lovable as always; multisized and incredibly prominent. You can't get a sip in without getting a mouthful of those little gummy buggers. If you were scared of them and you tried to skim through your teeth, you would be left with a mass of gummy chunks on your teeth, which might be worse for you.

The flavor was actually pretty good. It was strong and very floral but it wasn't too much like many of the other lychee drinks that we've done in the past. All together it was a pretty good mix of sweet, chunky, interesting, and fruity. It was surprising.

We drank this on air for the sixty-third installment of the Buffalo Eats podcast. They seemed to like it and we all agree that it was not as bad as we thought that it would be which made it more than acceptable. Listen to our other podcast and the rest of Donnie's podcasts. He's a great dude and easily gets sidetracked by talks of music, video games, and other odds and ends just like us.

I rarely have trouble sleeping but last night and the last couple nights, my mind has been racing and it's all about one thing and that thing is SimCity. I have been building a region with two dudes from work and have stayed up later than I have in a long time. One o'clock, two o'clock. Who cares? I need more simoleans. I need more power. I need to build another block of residential. I've got a sewage problem. There is always something that needs to get done. After a week of intense game play, it has eaten so much of my nights up that I am ill. I just need too much sleep now to compensate.

In hopes that this knocks me into a nine hour coma, I am trying this drink. It's small, two swigs, and it's gone. It's a little diet but less than most diet drinks. It's fruity but doesn't taste like a "real" fruit. I assume without doing any research that "dreamfruit" is not a real fruit. I don't know if all the fruits, but I am going to jump the gun and say that it isn't real. It might be psychosomatic, but I am getting sleepy. That's good. It's been about ten minutes. I have to manage the strength to brush my teeth and wash my face and then just fall into bed. I just need to stop doing this review.

As you should know, Jason, Derek and myself made 1.3 million dollars last year. Jason bought a jet in which to tour with the Failures' Union, I bought a red and a black Ferrari Testarossa, and Derek paid back all his gambling debt and bought a gently used Geo Metro. We all wear fancy denim and eat only the finest tacos shipped overnight from Mexico every other day. We no longer drink water, tea, or pop but we drink pearl infused drinks. It has to be this way because nothing else can quench our thirst the same anymore. There is something about the effects of pearls on a man's stomach and face that just makes it irreversible. You can't go back to things that poor people drink like water. We scoff a lot more than we used to now that we've got all this money.

Our foray into the pearl infused drink line is this Seksi drink. It's a decent sparkling drink that does taste like pomegranate but does taste a little odd due to the sucralose. Sure it's the last ingredient on the short list of ingredients but it's strong enough to be somewhat distracting. Either way, this is our drink now because everything else is just not civilized enough.

Next time you see an airplane in the sky blaring nineties-esque indie rock, wave to it because it's Jay on his way to play some fancy, island music festival with U2 and Coldplay. If you see a Ferrari blaring down the road, holler at it and if you are lucky, I'll throw you some drinks at the next stop. If you see a Geo Metro with a bearded dude driving it, don't distract Derek because it pulls left and is a bit sketchy in second and the brakes need some work. Also the sunroof is aftermarket and leaks like a sieve.

I know. I am drinking out of a coconut. How can someone brand this as a product to call their own? It's literally a coconut with a drill hole in the top and scoring from what appears to be a band saw or something. There is a cool little tool to open up the top to drink out of that comes with a knife that (might) allow you to cut the coconut open when you're done drinking the water.

This is pure coconut water. Nothing less, nothing more; like the Killwhitneydead record. If you live somewhere that you can't get a coconut, you know, like everywhere except Hawaii, then if you can find this, you can find the warm shores of the ocean right in your mouth without all the hassle of climbing a tree, hatcheting down a coconut, climbing down a tree, cracking the coconut on a rock or something. I'm not a huge fan of coconut water but this is it in it's purest form and I cannot deny it what it is. This is what all coconut water should at least taste like.

I might try to cut this thing open and eat some of the meat inside. You know, for fun. It's called "meat," right? I think it is. Coconut. I would die on an island if this is all I had. I suppose I would just deal with it after a while but I don't know how long I could just drink this. I don't think I would fight an animal for it. Do animals drink coconuts? I think if an animal saw me eating this, I would delightfully hand it over, as I hardly wanted it in the first place.

Detroit, what?! Danny Brown, you are a lucky guy to be from a place that makes this. Yes, I'm talking to you, Danny Brown. I saw you when you played Buffalo and you turned me around. I like you, man. I watched your Nardwuar interview and you were totally likable. You get to get candy apple whenever you want now because of this drink. Sure, you're on the streets touring and you can't drink it every day but if you ever cross paths with ICP, I'm sure they've got some that you can borrow.

Danny, man to man, not all Faygo is bad and this is as artificial as they come. I'll admit it. This tastes like a melted candy apple. Although that might not exist, it's imaginable and not far from that. It's way too big for me and I've shared this with five other people and they all agree; this isn't too bad at all.

Danny, keep it up. Seriously, you do good work. Good collaborations and good solo stuff. I await your new record and XXX was good.

We are a website about honesty. We tell it how it is all the time and for this installment of the "Truth Doctors" I will tell you that I expected this drink to suck big time. I am a sexy man enough man to admit that it did not suck. It was a little boring but it didn't pass the threshold of "suck." It was a bit dull, like if you had an average coffee and masked it with some sugar and whatever the heck nitrogenated coffee is. I assume due to my (zero) years as a scientist it is coffee with nitrogen injected into it but what do I know, I'm just a (self proclaimed) scientist? It's not as good as standard espresso and milk and sugar drinks but I never expected it to be. It lies on the spectrum higher than I thought it was going to be with a little bit of sweetness and no gross energy drink taste. Also, it shows a fake cross section of the drink and it labels the top two inches of the can as the "foam zone" which I, for some reason, find very amusing.

I handed this to my friend/coworker and I told him to get "V Blasted." We knew it was gross, we acknowledged it was gross, and then moved on. He unscrewed the cap, shook it, and got juice on him. I promptly told him that he got "V blasted." We knew it was gross, we acknowledged it was still gross, and then we moved on.

I don't care what you say this is a juice. You can call it water all you want but I would like to see you give anyone this drink and have them not call it a juice. Stop it with the water. No one is offended by the word "juice." As a juice it is quite good. It's sweet and has a slight sting from the sucralose but is promptly covered up by a rush of…€¦you guessed it, strawberry and kiwi. Good flavors, too. Nothing at all bad.

You get to buy it, make it, shake it, and drink a pretty good juice all in a matter of seconds. It's a pretty good deal also not forgetting the fact that it is a downright disgusting name that you get to keep your mind in the gutter for. Ugh. VBlast.

People are still doing this, huh? This is every energy drink that I've ever had. It's the same taste, aftertaste, smell, can size, and so on. Why would you waste you money starting a company that makes a drink that tastes like twenty other company's drinks to a "T?" Seems like you could take that money and resources and, I don't know, put a fruit in it or something? Literally do anything to set it apart from the masses. There is nothing here that I can tell you that is any different than every popular energy drink out there. I've handed it to my energy drink guys here and they say that it's a sweeter, tarter, more candy version of Red Bull. There you have it. Who cares?

I think that if given the opportunity to run the United States, Rush Limbaugh would take the offer. Right there on the table. President Obama meets Rush at an undisclosed location (TGI Friday's) and he slides a piece of paper across the table. On the paper says the following words; "Do you want to take over?" and below it asked you to circle "Yes" or "No." He would answer, "Yes" and then they would eat a Jack Daniels burger, fried mac and cheese, and chicken tortilla soup.

If Rush had to win over America, which he would have to do to about half of the country, he could simply hand out this tea. It would be an olive branch that tastes like raspberry tea. No, not like diet raspberry tea, just regular raspberry tea. He could say something like, "I understand that some of you don't like me. My intentions are pure and to let you know how serious I am, I am giving you each a bottle of this tea. I am a man of research and that is why I have given unto you a bottle of diet iced tea that doesn't taste diet and still tastes great. I am a giving, generous, and genuinely care about this country. Please accept my prompt leadership and I will do my best to point us, much like the captain of a ship, towards greatness."

Rush, if you are reading this, which I assume you are, you can use this line when Obama meets you at a secret restaurant that may or may not sell deep friend green beans.

Any time I drink fruit punch I imagine that if I had an array of fruit and hand-mushed them together, could I make a better drink? I'm not saying this is bad, but it's just a common thought that I have. You know that fruit punch came from someone making a fruit salad and then at the end of the day when all the fruit was gone some dared someone else to drink it. That drink was fantastic and from there, people recreated it. Now in the 20th century, people artificially make everything. I think at some point, Welch's probably had a bunch of fruit in a press and mechanically squished it into a vat. Now, they've probably found out how to "make" fruit flavors and it's a much smaller and more efficient operation.

This is a good juice. It's a good punch. It's very sweet and you can tell that it's very sweet. It's got corn syrup, which just seems wrong to me. I don't know why. I thought that Welch's was all natural. I thought wrong. This is a great drink for kids because it's super sweet and super fruity. Cruddy adults don't really drink fruit punch. If someone could somehow formulate an adult-friendly fruit punch, that would be alright with me.

Kids nowadays. You are spoiled brats. When I was a kid, we had orange juice, apple juice, and Hugs. Juice was terrible in comparison to now. You brats. This juice is so good. It's light, tangy, fruity, organic, and doesn't have any artificial flavors or any sugar. As lemonade it's great and as juice it's great. It wins all over the board. Kids, you are jerks because of the garbage that I had to drink. I know it's not your fault. You should know it's not your fault but I'm still holding you a little responsible. It's not really a jealousy thing either since even though I'm an adult, I can still drink whatever you drink. I don't care if it's for kids. You can't have it all to yourselves and also, I'm an adult and you have to respect me. As your (immature) elder, you have to allow me to drink your juice. You know what? You're grounded. I'm taking all your juice, especially if it's this good.

I'm so glad that you could join me for lunch, Charles. It's been too long. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, at a shopping mall food court to eat Sbarro's but we are two busy men that rarely have time for leisure like this. Yes, you and I have made quite a name for ourselves, what with me owning a successful underwear line and you being the impresario of subway covers. We still manage to stay fit and trim and this is our treat to ourselves: A nice slice of pizza from Sbarro's.

Wait...what's this about? This doesn't taste like the Sbarro's that I used to know and love. Remember when we used to go to the mall as kids in Queens and eat Sbarro's and it was the best? This pizza tastes like the box it came in. So disappointing. Good thing we've got these garlic knots to cancel out that blem. I also bought us some smoothies from that New Age shop next to the pet store but before the RV dealership. I don't know what happened to this mall. There is like a Claire's in here and almost nothing else. I swear that at one point there was a Saturn car dealership in here. So, as I was saying I bought us some cacao smoothies. I've had cacao before and it's like a bean than makes chocolate.

Ugh. Now what the heck is this about? Charles, I'm sorry but this is turning out to be the worst lunch I've ever had. This too tastes like the bottle it came in. What is happening? Why does everything taste like the receptacle that it came in? It tastes nothing like chocolate and is like a smooth, gooey mess. It also smells like paint.

Charles, I cannot apologize to you enough. If we could do this again sometime, please, you pick the place. This was a disaster. I love seeing you, but not like this. I hope that the sewer cover business is going well for you. It has to be better than this lunch.

I understand sweating. I know how it works and why it does what it does. It's pretty cool. Here's what I want, though. I would like to over-hydrate myself to the point where my entire body and all it's pores just leak liquid. Sure, I would probably be dead if this were to happen but I want to be like Spongebob Squarepants and just leak like a sieve. I would either be outside in swim trunks or inside a bathtub in whatever I want. I wouldn't do it in your living room or at a fancy dining establishment. I understand that it would be for a limited time but I would like a solid ten seconds of every pore crying like a girl watching the movie "The Notebook" for the first time.

This drink, although quenching, did not turn me into a human colander but it was good. When you call something "citrus" flavored, it's kind of strange. It's like a purposely nondescript flavor. Oh, it's citric, but it's not quite lemon, orange, pineapple but it's a mix of everything citric. It's a good flavor but that's my gripe. It's nice that it's sparkling because it's light enough that it tastes more like a carbonated juice rather than a citrus pop. It is very good. Calorie count is responsible at eighty and you know what? It is a very good drink that I would drink again if I didn't have an increasingly growing cache of drinks.

I would love to go to the UK but the more I do this site, the more fearful of blackcurrant I am. I mean, really. Have the people in Europe had grapes. Italy is right there. They had to have had grapes before. I think that grapes are a meal in between breakfast and brunch for Italians in Italy. Blackcurrant is like your friend's brother that is going through that "smelly" phase of fifteen where he doesn't know when or how to use deodorant. They look a lot alike and have a lot of the same mannerisms but one stinks.

This isn't bad and if I had to assign a demographic that would like this, it would be young British kids because I don't think that American kids could handle the bitterness. It does taste like blackcurrant and if you don't know what that is, think of a concord grape with a bit of tang to it. This is a pretty good representation of that but I'm not really on board with it yet. Perhaps if I ever go there I will be so surrounded by blackcurrant, that I will just have no choice but to suck it up and eat/drink/bake/cook/wear it all the time.

Samantha, you look wonderful tonight. I didn't tell you earlier but you deserve the compliment. I think that we really deserve a nice night out at this fine Greek restaurant. The prices are reasonable and it's the only place where you can get a hot dog, spaghetti, steak, and a gyro and no one looks at you funny. Those are all high quality foods. Also, one other thing I enjoy about this place is that they have that little bowl of after dinner mints and that tiny spoon so people don't put their grimy hands in the dish. They hand you Andes mints when you get your check, too. Very nice people, those Greeks. Very nice people.

What am I getting tonight? Well, Sam, tonight I will be getting the hummus to start, followed by the main entry of a hamburger, and closing it with a spanakopita, and washing it all down with a mint chocolate shake. What are you getting? Oh, the french onion soup, chicken tacos, tiramisu, and a diet Coke? Sounds multicultural and delicious.

Samantha, this was a wonderful second date and to cap it, I will give you a big surprise. No, I'm not going into my pocket for a wedding ring. Don't worry. I am getting my wallet because I am paying this entire thirty-four dollar check. Dinner is on me tonight; my treat to you. You know what? I've still got half a milkshake left...and there are Andes mints here...maybe I'll just...crush these up here...and put them in here....and now I have a chocolate mint Andes supreme. It's supreme because I took some of your whipped cream from your dessert when you went to the bathroom. This is great although I could get a Shamrock shake, throw some Andes in there and call it a day. You know what, though. This is a special occasion. For you, I will treat this like a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Thank you for coming, Samantha. I had a wonderful night. I hope you did the same. We ate food from around the world, listened to the happy birthday song in Greek three times, and co-created a great milkshake that you can remember me by when we're not together. No, I'm not reaching in my jacket pocket for a ring, Samantha. I am getting my car keys. Man, are you anxious or worried to get married? I can't feel you out.

I went to a school and our mascot was a Spartan. That being said, I feel like one out of every ten schools has a Spartan as their mascot. Seems like a limited pool of available mascots. Anyhow, had I cared about sports, and was on the football team in high school, and this company existed, I might write them a little something like this:

Dear Spartos,
My name is Mike and I am the defensive tackle for my high school football team. Why am I bringing this up? Because our mascot is the Spartan. Why do you care? Look, sir or madame, I know that your company is called "Spartos" but we're all coming from the same region with this thing.

I was wondering if you would be nice enough to sponsor us with your protein water. We could have those theater nerds paint us a banner with your logo on it. Also, I'm only calling them nerds because that's what we, the football team, have to do. Haven't you ever seen a John Hughes film? The football team, AKA "jocks" always pick on the theater kids or anyone that is creative and can think for themselves. We don't want to, but we have to. They understand. They watch the same movies we do. Anyhow, after testing your grape lemonade drink, I think that it's something that we, the team, can get behind. It's got a little bit of a fake sweetener taste and a little bit of that protein thickness, but you kept the calories down which is good for us stereotypical high school football kids. We like to blast Smashmouth in the weight room and drink this because it makes the proteins go where they need to like our quads. The grape and lemonade are actually noticed and appreciated. Good fruit and tartness from both players, much like me on the fields interactive with my tight end. No, not my butt. Get it? See, I'm seventeen and think that butts are hilarious. I'll grow out of that, right?

If you think that we would help push product, please let us know. We are a hard working team with a mediocre to poor record that could use all the help we can get. Yes we will share with the wrestling team but we will not share with the video game club. Those nerds are already sponsored by Mountain Dew. I don't know what it is about video games and Mountain Dew but those two are eternally together.

Sincerely,
High school junior, fake, dramatized, Mike Literman.

If you looked at me, you would say, "There is a kid who doesn't work out." I'm not fat, or even flabby, but I'm not terribly in shape. It's not for lack of trying. I ride my bike and have had multiple gym memberships. I just can never find the time. You know what I'm talking about. It's just such a hassle to go to work, come home, eat, change, go to the gym, get sweaty, come home, shower. Whatever. That's nonsense. I'll just eat less so I don't have to deal with that garbage.

I don't understand the whole carb up before or after and sugar now and not then and this is when you add protein and whatever. That whole rigamaroll. For this reason, you don't see me drinking a lot of protein drinks. That's half the reason why. The other half reason is because they can be chalky, tangy, and all sorts of terrible stuff. This drink is trying to not be but still can't shake the crud factory that is it's inevitable adulthood as a protein drink.

Initially you have the promise of something good. You get a good fruit flavor but before you have time to discover what it is your taste buds are quickly rinsed by an over abundance of Stevia. After your mouth recovers from that, it's that familiar taste of protein drinks; the slightly thick, gritty, odd taste. There is also yerba mate as an ingredient, which provides you with a bit of bitterness that might actually salvage some of the good, drinkable flavor that this drink has.

If you are familiar with protein drinks, this may be good. I think that less Stevia might save this drink at least a little bit. You can't win them all. If the guy who works at Subway has taught me anything it's that "no one's battin' 1000."

I'm surprised that it took me as long as it did to have a half and half. I mean, it's lemonade and tea. Two liquids that are pretty good together. I think it takes a whole new level. Even cruddy iced tea and cruddy lemonade makes a pretty good half and half. Somehow, two average things put together can make something great. I'm not saying this drinks two protagonists are cruddy but we can all admit that they're not the finest. Together, though, you get a good amount of lemonade and iced tea that battle it out for your love. It's not often that you people fight over your mouth. It's not like you are a pretty girl and everyone wants to kiss you. You have a beard and haven't showered in a week. Easily a week. You have been wearing the same t-shirts for a decade and have awful taste in music. In real life no one is fighting for your mouth. This is your chance to see what it's like.

I liked Atari Teenage Riot. It's probably still good but I haven't really listened to "60 Second Wipeout" in a long time. Either way, all I have in my head is "Sick To Death" in my head because this winter has gone on too long. I am just done. I now completely sympathize and understand why old people move from the Northeast to Florida. Florida sucks, but at some point, you just, and rightfully so, don't feel like having to deal with it any more. I just wear coats all the time and I'm sick of it. I was thinking last week that I want to go to a barbecue and I'm almost to the point where I will stand outside in eleven jackets just to make myself a couple of hot dogs on the grill.

Barbecue is where this pop comes in. It's orange pop. Plain and simple. It's not great but it's orange. It isn't gross and it isn't fantastic. Right, smack dab in the middle. I didn't expect anything more because it's orange pop. I don't think I've ever had an exceptional orange pop. I don't know if it exists. I would like to be proven wrong but I don't care if I'm not. It's orange pop. It's only drunk at kid's parties and, to a lesser extent, adult barbecues. Don't ever offer me an orange pop anywhere else. I will be mildly offended.