Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Ahh Germany: lovers of everything industrial and Hasselhoff. You have a soft side, too, and it's this lemonade. You make wonderful lemonade with orange in it and I feel like it's your attempt to look a bit tamer. You are known by the world as precise, perfectionists and although this is nothing less, it's lemonade with orange pop in it. It doesn't need to be so intense. You don't need to buckle down and hit the book, get out a micrometer, measure and calculate. You can kick up your shoes and enjoy a lightly flavored, carbonated, orange drink with a touch of lemonade. It's different than what you would be thinking because the flavors are a bit calmer than you would expect.

Germans, you're great. I would love to one day own a BMW. This pop is good and you did a good job. Congrats.

Ringing in the new year is an exciting time for all. People make resolutions where they are really going to turn things around. Sure, come February you are back to eating at Arby's, but you had a solid month of eating well. One month at a time, friends. I spent last year doing what I do best: apathetically living my life. Oh, there are things that I care about, but in the least depressing way possible, I don't care about a lot of things. I don't really care about what anyone posts on Facebook since most of it is dumb e-cards, stolen phrases, or internal conversations that shouldn't be posted on a public forum. I've got a great group of friends that I love and anyone else I've met in the last five years has been promptly forgotten because they haven't done anything. I take care of my family and friends and everyone else can basically piss off. It's too hard to fake interest in everyone's nothingness so I just don't.

Today, in the new year, I decided to wake up and start this year off with a bang. Yes, on the second day of the year. Yesterday I was busy. What do you want from me? Coffee, right? Wake up, dude. It's coffee. This coffee drink comes to us from Hong Kong and is in that lovable, bulletproof container. It's just the right amount of coffee and just the right amount of sweetness. It's not too dark which I appreciate and although I am more tired than when I started, I can say that I tried with this one.

Kick in the new year's teeth with this drink and internally reflect on what you care about this year. Do you care about pictures of your acquaintances' cat? Nope. Do you care about meeting some dude at a bar that you will never see again and are questioning why you are shaking their hand in the first place? Nope? Don't waste your time but spend that time focusing on what you really want, like starting a band that sounds like Sade or creating a racket in order to legally bring in more money but make people second guess who you are as a person. That's what I've got planned for the rest of this year. Good luck to you and good luck to me.

Santa Claus is a large man and these are difficult times for the obese. He should not be surprised as he spends a couple days eating nothing but cookies. He works long hours, isn't known for being wealthy, and is also never seen as a man who is "in shape." The misses has taken notice of this and has done something about it. She took the sleigh to Polar, contracted them to make one of Santa's favorite flavors, and had them put it out for all to enjoy around Christmastime. Santa drinks a lot of hot chocolate but when Mrs. Claus brought him the first bottle, he knew that it was for the best.

He took a sip and was moderately pleased. Moderately because he is a man who loves his sweets and this is neither sweet nor up t the caliber of "caneness" that he desires. It's not bad, but it's about as seltzer as you can get with a little bit of mintiness.

For the next year Santa is going to lose some weight by drinking this. His breath will be better and his waistline slimmer. Mrs. Claus wanted to also mention that instead of having standard issue chocolate chip cookies that you supply a small, Caesar salad either dry or with a balsamic vinaigrette. We have to work together to slim the big man down.

I don't know anything about Rush Limbaugh except he's wildly Republican. My grandpa used to love him. Every time I went to my grandparent's house he would be sitting on the same chair with headphones on listening to "Rush." "Don't bother him, he's listening to his "Rush." grandma would say. He would be fine once those headphones were off but when they were on, don't bother him.

Now my grandpa can't drink this with me today unfortunately but I think that he would like to drink a bottle of unsweetened tea with a young Rush Limbaugh's fat face on it. Not to mention the tea is in a wonderfully decorated bottle with foil and full color print. I don't normally point those things out, but it has to be mentioned. The tea? A standard black tea. That's good though because so many people screw it up. He/They did it right. Good job, guys.

If you've got a grandpa, buy this tea and drink it with him while you still have time. Tell him something like, "Grandpa, I know I wear shirts with swear words on it, have a bad haircut, pierced ears, and a tattoo that says something in a language that you fought against in WWII, but let's share a beverage you and I.”

Vegans, you're getting luckier by the day. Your hatred of animals and animal by-products is getting easier stronger and more beneficial. You are no longer segregated to the underground seed and nut parlors of old but now you are welcomed into the sunlight and above ground stores and restaurants. You are treated special without questions asked. Your influence is growing. Soon, no one will look at a cow the same way. Soon, Morrissey will have one less thing to be sad about.

This totally animal free drink is pretty great. Almond milk is thicker than soymilk so it's more "milkshakey" which means "better" in layman terms. I don't get a lot of dark chocolate but I might get "slightly shadier chocolate." I wouldn't give it the credit that it asks for since I am allowed to be critical on my own soapbox. That being said, it's still good.

Vegetarians and vegans, you may dance until the sun comes out for this drink passes the test of a carnivore. I have spoken and it has been said. I hereby sanction this drink as acceptable to all parties.

I don't often think about quitting Thirsty Dudes. It's fun and it's a hobby. Sure, I would like it to explode to the point where the hardest thing I have to think about is which Lamborghini Countach I am going to go to Jay's to get tacos, but that's in the future. The only thing that makes me want to not do Thirsty Dudes anymore is really good drinks. When we drink something stellar, we often never get to drink it again because of where it came from or the fact that at any given time, we all have at least twenty other drinks in queue that cannot be ignored. I have broken that streak a little bit by buying cases of really good drinks but it takes me forever to drink them because, as previously mentioned, there isn't enough time in the day.

This drink made me think about it for a second, though. It's really good. It's rightfully bitter, like a blood orange should be. It does the fruit justice. Just a little bit of sugar to cut it and make it so you keep coming back. Blood oranges everywhere should consider this the apex of compliments to be in this drink. You might be saying that they're just fruits but come on, if you were a lemon, would you rather be in a lemon Brisk or a San Pellegrino Limonata? It makes a difference. Don't think that it doesn't.

Today, on National Chocolate Day I have chosen to drink this delectable drink. I don't normally blow the review in the first sentence but why waste my time? This is wonderful. It's dark and naturally bitter and has a strong but inoffensive mint kick to it. It's properly thick and vegan so all can enjoy it. Note that this is expensive as far as drinks go clocking in at $2.50 but honestly, as a sweet treat, it's worth it. It tastes like hot chocolate cooled down and put in an adult juice box. Oh, what I wouldn't give to relive my childhood with rich parents who put this juice box in my lunch every day. Look, my parent's are great but we're admittedly "middle class" and to have this little buddy in my bag every day would cost $12.50 per week, $50 per month, or $500 per school year. That's too much to spend on a kid's dumb lunch bag. Added reason not to give this for lunch is that this is the top of the ladder when it comes to "trades," so you, a hard working parent, are having your luxury traded for another turkey sandwich and some gummy worms. I wasn't a big trader but some kids were. Pudding for this, Jell-O for that. This trumps all. You would be crowned king or queen of the lunchroom and your fame would get to your head, your grades would suffer and people would start doing your homework for you in order to get a taste of your drink, the teacher would find out you were cheating and you would get failed right out of fourth grade. You would be the oldest kid and people would call you a dummy all because of your drink. Parents don't let this happen to your kids. Give them juice like all the other parents. Save this for home when they get good grades on a math test or something. No one kid should have the power this drink would instantly grant them.

What better time to drink lemonade than the tail end of December where it's snowing and cold and wet? You've endured summer. You've conquered fall. Now you've got the cold slapping you if the face like you fell asleep in church and the priest comes over and wakes you up. How do they get away with that? If I had a kid and sent him to a Catholic school, an action I would never do, and a nun hit him, I might push her up against a wall like one of those tough guys in movies where they shove nerds or geeks up against a locker, make a loud noise, and take lunch money. Don't touch my kid, nuns, you jerks.

I'm reviewing lemonade and talking about abusing nuns. Fantastic. Happy holidays. Nun, I'm not sorry that I pushed you up against a locker and made all the kids stop in their tracks, but who do you think you are? Have a lemonade, you old coot. It's good because it's not made with any artificial ingredients and tastes like the lemonade you make at home, not like the lemonade that you make your slave kids sell to not buy new bibles and invest in getting Father Whatshisface a new Lexus RX330, which, by the way, is a woman's car. It's not too sweet, something I already know you can relate to, and not undersweetened which you are.

If nuns are teachers from God? Then are public school teachers "teachers from Satan?" If so, you can expect to see my son bowing down along with Anton LaVey all the while not taking religion class and, in exchange, taking legitimate science classes. I say good day to you, nun.

I found this drink once before and did not buy it because it was two years expired. It sought me out and demanded I drink it. Now, I found this and my heart dropped because I thought this was going to be the drink to "do it." What do I mean by "do it?" Why, throw up, of course. I put this in the fridge today in anticipation of possibly doing it, but I'm a Thirsty Dude, I have to drink everything. This is part of everything, ergo I have to drink it.

First sip was a tiny sip. If this were going to make me sick, the sip I took would have warned my body that terror was about to strike. It was prefacing my body to prepare for the onslaught that was about to come. My poor body. It probably hates me. I throw absolute garbage at it every day and it does me pretty well.

I was surprised, though. It was not poison but an almost drinkable beverage. If you can imagine a green olive inside a lemonade, that would be this. A kid martini. It tasted a lot less like a green olive than I was expecting. I'm not drinking more than 10% of this as I still fear it but I conquered it nonetheless.

In closing I will tell you what it says on the front and you can determine for yourself if what I said matches the companies statement on said drink:
"A wonderful gift bestowed by nature with a distinctive flavor"

The flavors behind this drink take you where you want to go when you retire, around the world. Tea taste? Present. Lemon taste? Wildly present. Coffee/espresso taste? Lacking. The lemon though, man...there in full effect like Reggie. I don't know what an espresso tea is since none of the ingredients are reflective of anything coffee related. The tea, though, is a sweet lemon tea. Although I assume it's black, I can't taste because of the sweet lemon going on in the forefront.

I didn't know what to expect with this drink because I thought that I was going to get a trifecta of flavors but instead, I only got a duo. Instead of getting the Thompson Twins, I got Tears For Fears. Instead of Beastie Boys, I got Lightning Bolt. I was discounted by 33.3% and I think that I would have rather gotten the full lineup.

You know in the movies where it will show a dog getting hurt and it will say in the credits, "No animals were harmed in the filming of this movie?" I would like to know how many strawberries we just slaughtered in the making of this drink. I think that this drink is nothing more than people trying to stuff an entire one of those clear, plastic containers of strawberries into this tiny, baby can.

This drink is chocked full of strawberries and tastes only like strawberries. For that reason, I can't fathom how they kept the price low. I mean strawberry juice is one thing but poorly pureed strawberry chunks is another. Without exaggeration, there are probably two whole strawberries in this drink at least. It's great. I've got no complaints. Keep 'em coming.

Black tea is the old man. White tea is the young buck. Green tea is the grandpa. Red tea is the teenager, confused on what to do with life. Bad haircuts, ill fitting clothes, questionable taste in music, and so much more. It's like a midlife crisis but done as a young kid so it's like a quarter life crisis. You date people younger than you and people are starting to talk. You started to see this strawberry and that's not a traditional thing for tea to do. It's a kid flavor and you should be on your way to become an adult tea. You should be seeing other red teas but you aren't a conformist. You do what you want. You are your own tea. You are going to date that strawberry because she's got a great shape and is fun to be around. Together, you make a decent tea. You are sweetened but aren't done the right way because you, like always, cut corners and went the corn syrup route. It's alright because people that are just like you are fine with it. It smells good thanks to your younger girlfriend but you're really letting her do all the work. You're just sitting back, like you always do. You know, as I think about it, I agree with your black tea father. Use real sugar and don't mess with no fruits. That's how to let a man shine.

I don't know where to start with this. It tastes...funny. Right off the bat, there is a strange bitterness that I can only attribute to my arch nemesis Acai while teamed up with that other guy I'm increasingly not too hot on, Reb-A. Oh, it's way down on the list but it's still there, crapping up the joint. The mixed berry doesn't even get a chance to shine through because those two hams are in the spotlight telling bad jokes that are borderline racist and making everyone in the crowd feel uncomfortable. You get a little bit of the mixed berry here and there. If I can continue my comedy show analogy, it's like the mixed berry is the MC who is better than all the acts. Perfect. That's the perfect analogy. I did it. Done. Peace. I'm out.

Black cherry; the most goth of all fruits. You want to meet up with them? They sleep until noon, work at a bookstore that sells nothing but books on murder, cats, and unlicensed Robert Smith biographies, and go to clubs that are in locations you thought were closed down for a decade. They don't get along with people because they feel they are on the outside looking in. Looking in on all the squares, sellouts, poseurs, conformists, and zealots making fools of themselves on a day-to-day basis. Black cherry listens to Skinny Puppy, KMFDM, and My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult and scoffs at your record collection regardless of how much you like it. Black cherry is one with the dark arts.

Recently, black cherry has put on a little weight and needs to slim down a bit. Torrid is fine and essential to black cherry but some things are stretching a bit and it's becoming a health issue that your mom is getting concerned about. So you add a little sucralose to the mix. It's alright. Sure, it "diet's" you up a little bit and makes you feel like you are trying to be one of those blonde bimbos that swarm the schools like bees to a hive. There is a big difference between anorexia and teenage obesity. You still taste good, like you are supposed to, but there's just you can just tell that you are trying to lose a little weight and use artificial sweeteners. It's fine. You are beautiful no matter what the "cool kids" say. Now head on over to your black Volkswagon Jetta, pop in that old Bauhaus record, and think about what sweet kick moves you are going to do at the club tonight in front of yourself in the mirrors.

We in Buffalo do not have a Whole Foods. It has something with us having a rival grocery store and fifty miles and something. Not too far out in Ontario, Canada there is one. Jay, Jay's old lady, and myself went there and did some damage. We bought a lot of things that you can only get at Whole Foods but nothing that you can get only at a Canadian Whole Foods. I think they stock what they stock regardless of country. This 365 seems like it's an "in house" brand. What does it taste like? A little like minty pool water if you ask my coworker, Dan. Do I agree? Mostly. It's a lightly sweetened green tea with little bite and a little, good amount of mint, but somewhere in that mix, it certainly does have a bit of a "minty plastic" taste. I drank the whole thing, so I must have gotten over it, but it was just "alright." Would I drink it again? Eh, probably not. I'm not really moved one way or the other with this guy. I thought it would be good, and it wasn't awful, but it might have stumped my taste buds into making a decision. That could be the worst rating of all; one that is just...there. It's like that cat that just appears when you try to leave for work and you would normally give it a clichè saucer of milk but you've got a big meeting with the Johnson firm today and you can't be late. Those eyes...dead inside, just staring at you. Where did that cat come from? It makes no noise but is just...there...being there.

More melons. I want more melon in my life. I want it in my diet all the time and I want it in more drinks. I love it. It's been done pretty poorly with the exception of the Calypso Triple Melon. This is close to a really good execution but something inside of this bottle is killing the perfection that I so desperately desire. I will blame it on the sugar as none of the fruits in this drink have the sharpness that I'm getting. I don't get the watermelon but I do get the strawberry and the melon and those are the two that I really want. I can taste things trying to get through like a goat trying to get through the fence at a petting zoo to stick its wet nose in your pocket to get the feed you just aren't giving to him fast enough. Oh, those rectangular pupils get me every time. I forget and then the twice a year I spend time with them; there they are, filled with 90 degree angles. It's just unnatural, but goats eat cans and boots so it's fine. Goats. You guys are alright.

What a year! I went from not liking seltzer to scouring local grocery stores for good ones. I guess I was used to the swill my mom used to drink but this stuff has been good thus far. The cinnamon was awesome. The black cherry, less than awesome but still good. This was good. Right where I wanted it and just want I wanted: a little bit of mint and a little bit of chocolate. If anyone is familiar with Metromint Chocolate Mint, this is a sparkling, toned down version of that. I love that. I like this. For something that I put on my desk next to all day and polished off slowly, though, I liked it a lot and will get it again.

Mom, if you're reading this. You know I don't like your garbage seltzers. Perhaps for Christmas, if you're good, I'll buy you the good, top shelf stuff. I will also help you throw your old stuff in the yard and let the neighborhood dogs at it.

I don't think that I've eaten a grapefruit in well over two decades. I just remember them being super tart and/or bitter. I've had things that are grapefruit flavored with no additional sugar that are quite awful. People eat it with tons of sugar on top. If you have to put sugar on your fruit, you're defeating the point of fruit. "Nature's candy", right? Isn't that what they say? "Nature's candy." You don't add sugar to candy. You're not supposed to. If you do, you don't really understand how candy works. If you add it to fruit, you don't understand how fruit works.

This drink knows how grapefruit pop should work. It's not terribly sweet and not wildly punchy like a lot of other ones. Squirt is good, right, but it's really sweet. This drink is more grapefruit and less pop. It could be the real sugar versus the corn syrup, which can kind of wipe out a lot of flavors. It's got a good smell and is not as strong as, say, Ting, but it's still good. If this is how they do grapefruit on the islands, as their moniker of "Island Soda," then I might have to frequent these islands. Maybe get a coconut so that I can drink this pop out of. It's how they do it. I hate feeling like I'm not a local.

Ahh flowers. They look great. They bring color to this otherwise depressing world. When I lived in Boston for a few months, I didn't know that I would miss foliage and color. I spent six week not really seeing trees or grass too much and then someone told me about Boston Commons and I felt I needed to go. It was like I had never seen flowers before. I spent the whole time just not caring but really my body craved those little guys.

So, I self-admittedly enjoy a flower every not and then. It's fine. This drink was floral. It was like if you had a red tea that wasn't too bitter, infused a flower, and then added a little sugar to it. I will also admit that I clearly have no idea what hibiscus tastes like because sometimes it's the greatest thing I've ever had and then other times it's just...there. I'm not hating on it, but I wish that I could taste it in it's truest form so that I know which side of the fence I'm on; like or love. I guess either side is pretty non-confrontational, but still, I don't like this floral purgatory I'm in. It's terrible but the smell is relaxing and the sights from up here are quite scenic and well pruned.

Sharon was sick of all the rules. There were so many rules. No carbs. No bread. Watch your salt. Exercise then carbs. No bacon. Salad but no creamy dressing. No milk. No cheese. Diet pop. Artificial sweeteners are bad for you. So many rules.

Sharon works hard, alright. She eats with moderation, exercises regularly, and looks good. Look at me. She looks good. She doesn't need to worry as much as she does but she does because that's what happens.

She was talking to a friend who was a personal trainer and he said he found this awesome drink. It's a low glycemic drink with less calories, carbs, and sugar. It's a win-win, right? Well...not quite. If you drink it slowly, it's alright. It's like a slightly mango limeade. If you drink it quickly, the Stevia can be a bit overpowering. Sharon, who drank wheat grass on multiple occasions, can deal with that. She enjoys drinking slowly and loving life. Now if she could only spend less time at the gym and more time finding a man who tells her that she can spend less time working out and more time with him, she'd be all set.