Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Jay doesn't like lemon drinks. I don't 100% know why but I think it has something to do with how it has the potential to taste a little like Pledge or Pine Sol. I don't get that when I drink lemon stuff and I also don't hate lemon so Jay usually gives them to me. I think he gave me this one and for once his complaint is valid.

This drink is one of the worst lemon green teas I've ever had. It's got a green tea taste that's trying to shine through too much sugar and bad lemon. Reading the ingredients, you don't have to be detective Goren to know that "artificial lemon flavor" is going to blow. There is something else that's pretty bad in there but I can't pinpoint it specifically other than "it tastes like fake everything" like who ever made this drink made a natural version of the drink and mixed in the cheap, regular version of the drink. You can taste what should have been but it's been crushed by the other stuff leaving you with a confused, unsatisfied palate.

Summer is depressingly over. If you live where I live, you can essentially kiss the sun goodbye (great album name that is available with credit given to me) for the next six months. These are things we deal with on the East Coast. Oh it's bright and you still need sunglasses but you can't see the sun and need twelve jackets to fight the ice age that is northeast winters. It's fine. It's really no big deal.

Why do I bring up the sun and a paragraph of nothing before I review a drink? Well for two reasons mostly. Number one is that I'm trying to create a picture and a scene and number two is that we are terrible at writing drink reviews. You can't really say otherwise and if you do, well, thanks. You're too kind. Wrong, but kind. We're narrative masterminds but we are not product reviews.

So aloe is used to cure us from the sun's lashings upon our fair skin. Human skin was made for holding in our muscles, guts, and organs. "Guts" might be slang for organs so I might have just said the same thing twice but I didn't want to leave anyone out. Now that the sun isn't out we can't get burnt, the role of aloe turns from topical to internal usage. That's right. Aloe drinks are winter drinks to prep our skin from the inside out to prepare it for the emergence of the sun come April. What better way to do it that with the help of Aloic? It's not overly sweet, still has a ton of chunks, and that grapy taste that anyone who likes grape juice or has drank an aloe drink in the past loves. The sweetness part is the item that gets my love. That is a problem I have with a lot of aloe drinks is that they are too sweet. Good, but too sweet. This solves that problem in a delicious, chunky way.

I can feel my skin tightening and toughening up as I drink this. Every sip is one more day I don't have to wear sunscreen, a safari hat, and pants in the summer to protect me from that jerk sun. I appreciate all that you do what with annually burning my lawn and killing my flowers with your relentless rays, but sometimes you can be a real turd. Just tone it down a little bit. Go hide behind the clouds and read a nudie mag or something so we can stop fertilizing and melting.

Charlie, why do you drink pop all the time? You know that the giant things of tea I make are communal, right? You didn't? Tea is like free. I know we're broke, but tea is my eternal gift to you. I don't even care if you finish it. I enjoy making it, I enjoy drinking it, I would enjoy if you enjoyed it instead of that grocery store cola you're always slamming. I put lemons in it, yes. I don't expect you to cut up lemons like I do if you make it but it's a nice little treat to have a lemon tea. Oh, you need more in there? Well let's spruce it up a little bit. What have we got in the cupboard here. Oh, awesome, mint leaves. I don't know when else I would use these. Let's put these in here, go get something to eat, come back and drink some tea.

A LITTLE BIT LATER...

You know what, Charlie? I don't care what anyone says about McNugget's. I love them and they've always been delicious. Let's get that glass of tea, right? It's pretty good. A little hint of mint and not at all toothpasty. The lemon just kind of adds to the flavor but it's all good. I'm going to have to do this with the mint more often. Thanks, Charlie, for your inspirational recipe additions. Now I know why I keep you around. What? It was a joke. I don't care that you hang around the house all day playing my Xbox, as long as you make rent and bills, you can do whatever you want. We're young. Now is the time to do this. Give me more of that tea. We've got video games to play!

Don't fear the chia. Embrace the chia. It's good for you. According to the label it's good for hydration, endurance, heart health, brainpower, and fun. The last is one of the most important ones because one bottle is not going to do much for the other ones. Having people try a drink with chunks in it is fun, I should know. I do it all the time.

If you don't know, no, you can't taste the seeds if you're just drinking it. If your mulling the drink around, you can taste it a little, but they're so small and slimy that it just makes the drink taste a little thicker. It's not at all gross, but it's enough to scare people away. Wimps.

It's not all good, though. This is "lemony," which is the point. Like if I squirted a lemon in your mouth flavor, not candied lemon. I didn't get a whole lot of blueberry, which is the "B Meyer" part of the flavor, whatever that is from. Even though it's not the number one sweetener, this drink has Stevia in it and, as Jay mentioned earlier, it's getting old. It's kind of overpowering because it mixes with the lemon leaving you with a kind of undesirable sour-tartness.

I do look forward to the other flavors. I just think that the lemon flavor melds poorly with everything else that's happening in this bottle.

Black. The first and greatest thing that I thought of was this clip from Don't Be A Menace with the late, great Bernie Mac. I poured this into a class so someone could drink it and it was pitch black. It's iced coffee and it has sugar in it but sugar was no match for the darkness of the coffee. No match. It's a no-joke, black coffee with sugar in it. According to the expiration on the bottom of the can, it also expired almost two years back. Honestly, I think that this coffee can beat things like estimated expiration dates. I think this coffee could beat nuclear war, poison, the common cold, and SAT prep tests. Black and strong like women like their men and men like their women. Black and strong like Bernie Mac. Vietnam makes a strong coffee, man. If you like it, like this, this is for you without a doubt.

A high quality tea is not hard to make but rather hard to come by. It seems this day everyone is a wimp and a half. The teas that are readily available are pretty mediocre at best and the good stuff, the top shelf iced teas, are few and far between. The difference between the two is typically that the high quality teas use less and real sugar and have a bit of complexity to them. I don't know what the general public is scared of. Adult flavors? Dude, if you put a can of Brisk next to a bottle of this, or any Argo tea, you would never drink that swill again. I mean it. That tea stings and no tea is supposed to sting. High fructose, overly sweetened garbage. I'm not saying that only Brisk is and sometimes Brisk is good but as far as "good" iced tea is concerned, anything in a can should stay in the can.

This tea is bold and bitter. It's a red tea so it's not as smooth as a black tea and actually tastes a little bit like a mate. The pomegranate is a nice, fruity taste that is with you the whole time but is no overshadowed or overshadowing. It's the well-behaved dog that we all want that knows what "heel" means. Red tea and pomegranate; neck and neck the whole time. No bad aftertaste and just a whole lot of loud flavor. There are four ingredients in this tea, too. It couldn't be simpler: water, red tea, cane sugar, and pomegranate juice. That's all it takes. That's all it takes to shelve literally dozens of gross teas to never be drank again.

Argo is not setting out to destroy the competition, but they could easily do it if they used cheaper bottles and lowered their price. The great bottles house great tea and they know it. It also sets them apart so keep those bottles. You're modest, Argo and you deserve it.

I have never seen X Factor. I know what it's about. Do I need to watch that to review this? I hope not. I don't hate Simon Cowell. I think that his role in television in unnecessary because the people who aren't good enough to be on television shouldn't be on television. I think, yes, he tells people what they need to hear but his role was created to solve a problem that didn't exist. That man is a heck of a driver, though, brother. Skills. He's good. So, for the wheelman Mr. Cowell, I will review your drink.

Simon, this is a nice drink. It's the first I've seen a major corporation utilize such a unique product as dragonfruit. I couldn't drink this entire bottle because I enjoy my teeth, current weight, and don't have dental insurance to fix them. I know you always sit on television with the world's largest glasses of pop but you and I both know that it's not pop in there all the time and that it's merely an advertising piece. You are a true Englishman and are probably drinking tea. It's in your blood. That's not to say that you can't drink pop, but your body craves a nice Earl Gray. That's not me creepily telling you that "I know what you want, Simon." but it's just a broad, blanket assumption.

Simon, I don't know what role you played in the planning of this drink but you didn't a good job and should take credit for it if you did. It's better than lemon Pepsi was. Vanilla was pretty good but this is a completely separate animal as far as I am concerned. This is Pepsi with a fruity taste. I'm going to get in trouble for saying that it's good because companies that more properly utilize dragonfruit are very passionate about it and get upset when companies much smaller and less influential misuse their precious, favorite fruit. They've got their own market and you've got yours. "You" in that previous sentence was you, Mr. Cowell and Pepsi.

I hope/trust you have a good season on the X Factor this year. I hope that it allows you to buy wonderful new cars. That's sincere, from one gear head to another.

Is this what honeybell oranges taste like? Really? Do people want this? They do? Well, jeez. I don't know what to say other than your opinions on "good tasting" fruit is terrible. This tastes like orange flavored powder mix sweetened by an overly sweetened massacre of Stevia's crappy, younger brother Xylitol. The time I spent with orange flavoring was promptly annihilated by the time I spent with a strange, overly sweet drink.

I don't know if I could correct this. Half the sweetness? Twice the tea? That might make a taller bottle. I think less sweetness could have saved this. It's not that I don't appreciate the fact that I've never had a honeybell orange before because I do, but this is no honeybell orange. Believe you me.

I've had this drink spilled on me and I've spilled this drink. I handed it off to my girlfriend to try and she thought that handing it to me at mach 3 with the lid off was a good idea. That was how it was spilled on me. I spilled it on myself because I over chugged. I didn't know what my mouth limit was and just kept chugging until I overflowed. That's a good thing for good ol' Rob. I simply couldn't get enough and threw limits out the window like an unwanted apple core. That is the only littering I do is apple cores. You will never see me throw as much as a crumpled gum wrapper out of the winder of my car. Yeah, this is the only planet we have, for now at least, but more importantly is that I'm not a scumbag.

Anyhow, this drink is good: a little tart, as advertised, and a solid juice throughout. It's quite laden with that Stevia taste that I like and if you do, too, you'll be down with this drink. If I hadn't just brushed my teeth, I would have slammed the rest of that leaving my face, torso, and floor beneath me all sticky.

Here's what I want you to do. Put me in a room and take all my clothes off. No, this is not a sexual thing. Now put a clean white shirt and a clean white pair of pants on me. Now put a pair of goggles on me. Now fill T-Shirt cannons with de-pitted cherries and an assortment of berries. Take aim and fire. That is a literal "cherry berry blast." It's fun. It's messy. It's unsuspecting. This drink, though, has a lot of the fun taken out of it. Allow me to explain.

This drink is not bad but it's too flat. It has a good berry flavor but not a real strong cherry flavor and almost no bite. If I have to judge by way of percentage, I would say that there is 9% bite in this drink. I don't get the sense that this was ever derived from real fruit. The main ingredients, as with most juices, is apple and grape juice. It's juices way of watering down juice. That's fine, but it really just tastes like berry flavoring more than anywhere in the creation of this drink did it ever encounter real fruit. It's simple. Kids will love it. Idiot adults will love it. People who care about fruit or want something a bit more natural will think this is boring. I didn't even say "organic," just natural. Corn syrup and artificial flavors could do anything poorly. It's a recipe for mediocrity.

I find it odd that "drink" is appended to the title of this drink. Is this drink not a tea of the black variety? There are like four ingredients. There are so few ingredients that I will list each and every one. And I read: Water, sugar, black tea, and barley. Done. End. It seems odd that they wouldn't just call it "Black tea with barley" or "Barley Black Tea" like Uni-President did with one of my favorite drinks.

How does this taste? Like cereal. Like if you ate Cheerios with water and drank the milk afterwards. It's not that bad. Perhaps a little too sweet for me, but it's not bad. I don't get a strong black tea taste as the barley cuts right through pretty strongly.

I also don't particularly understand the "The Noir" title of this. Is it a sub-title? Black Tea Drink The Black like people would know what it is. Code name? I don't think there is a line of "Black Tea Drink" drinks that there is a need for another one. This drink is an enigma filled with unanswered questions.

Rough day, man. You can feel it immediately and that's when it's the worst. It's not that bad when you kind of have a bad day and around the middle of it you say, "Man, today blows." but the kind where as soon as your feet touch the ground when you roll out of bed. Sleeping, wake up, foot, big toe touches the floor, immediate depression. It'll be over soon, but it's not getting any better, man. Ugh. It's terribly exhausting but it's all my fault. I messed up some stuff and am overwhelmed at work. It's all my fault and I'm losing time I don't have, so I'm just feeling pressure. That's why I needed a nice, lightly sweetened iced tea.

I don't have patience for something that has chunks or even has the slightest bit of potential to suck. Clean stuff. This drink was just what the doctor ordered. A little lemon, a little sweet, a little black tea. Wonderful. It's a real pick-me-up. 16 ounces of happiness during an otherwise dark and gloomy day. Jay gave this to me because he hates lemon for some reason. I don't know what's wrong with that kid. He might actually like this, which is a clever way of saying if you almost don't like lemon, you might like this. I like it. It's nice. I thank it. Thank you, Nature's Promise for picking me up during and otherwise bad day.

Organic energy. What better way to do it, right? Anyone who drinks Red Bull or any of those types of energy drinks has to know that it's not at all healthy for them. You know that, right? Nothing that pungent and cringe-worthy can be natural. This is and because of it, it's a heck of a lot tamer. Perhaps less effective than the rocket fuel you are used to drinking, this is actually drinkable. It's a little bitter from the green tea and the coffee bean but it's actually considered a sparkling fruit drink. I can't actually taste anything in particular but here's the fruit roll call: lemon, pomegranate, and elderberry.

If you are sick of what extreme sports is telling you to drink and want to calm down and be a functioning adult for once in your life, drink this. You might not go back to "the other guys" unless we're talking about that Will Ferrel and Mark Wahlberg vehicle because I would love to watch that movie again.

There was a period of about five years where I wouldn't step foot in a Wendy's. I got food poisoning from a taco salad and hallucinated. My friend called me and I told him that I couldn't leave my bed and that I was "trippin' balls." I'll never forget. Cut to many years later and we've made amends. I'm not one to hold a grudge so it was only a matter of time before we got back together.

Now that we're friends again, I try their new stuff when it comes out; for me and for you. I don't know how new this is but I don't remember seeing it before so I got it. I never know what to expect with coffee because I don't know what ratio of coffee to other will be. In this case, I'm saying it's 2:1. I don't drink coffee but I have drunk enough coffee drinks to feel like I know what the scale of coffee is. This is an average coffee with enough mocha in there to distract you from it. Together it works but I think on it's own it couldn't hack it. A fast food coffee connoisseur could tell me for sure but I feel pretty confident in saying that. It was not too sweet and didn't taste like someone just threw some chocolate syrup and sugar in an old cup of coffee so that's a plus. Like I said, together they work well together. Aside, it would be like Chris Lowe without Neil Tennant. It just wouldn't work. Neil, I'm sorry, but you should know that "Please" is one of the top five pop records of all time. I don't know if Neil could do it without you. You are a team. Please stay that way forever.

Superfruit. How can you lose? It's vague, but who cares. Superman is vague but you get the point. He's better than a regular man. Wonder Woman? Sure, the naming convention is not there but you get it. Jay loves comic books and when he reads this, he will think one of two things. One: why is Mike once again talking about things he knows nothing about? Two: Mike's talking about comic books and he is awesome.

So as much as I would like to believe that somewhere on the Earth there is one fruit called a "Superfruit" that not only has a killer name but it also trumps all other fruits in things like flavor, sweetness, and that strange antioxidant chart. This drink, I've got to say was good but this so-called "Superfruit" got pushed around a little like a fit, muscular dude at comic book convention. No respect. This drink tastes good; very fruity and reminiscent of berries. It's nice. Now here's where the "if" or "but" comes in. If you don't like natural, low calories sweeteners like Stevia, this drink will lose points because as "super" as this drink is, it's being pushed aside by then. Those dweebs. Since I don't hate them and have begun to like and appreciate the taste, I actually thought this drink was pretty good.

Superfruit? Sure, you can call it whatever you'd like. Without any photographic proof, I can't really believe you. It's the scientist in me. Ask Jay and he'll tell you the same thing. Then ask Jay about his love for cats and Michael Stipe. Go ahead. I dare you.

Today, for National Frappe Day, I voluntarily bought this Frappuccino. I made a wise decision with this flavor. Nothing compliments a brisket taco like a salted, caramel, mocha, coffee drink. What a monumental day, a new drink for me, and a new taco offered by a place that I frequent frequently. I had to celebrate this "almost" holiday in style and getting this guy made it.

The mix between all these flavors is just awesome. The salt makes it a little more "adult." Kids just don't understand that salted sweets can be a wonderful thing. This past weekend I bought chocolate covered pretzel sticks. Salt and sweet: a great thing. The salt is always there but it's an undertone to the frontrunners that are mocha (coffee and chocolate) and caramel.

Now I watched the dude make this drink with complete apathy but process and procedure is process and procedure and because of these rules and guidelines, he added actual sea salt. Gritty, delicious, ideal sea salt. No cheap, garbage, table salt. Actual sea salt. I would have had no problem with a little bit of salty crunch in my drink but I completely understand why Starbucks doesn't think that everyone doesn't have the worldly palate like us three Thirsty Dudes.

Starbucks and to a lesser extent, McDonalds and Burger King; I wish you a happy National Frappe Day. We at Thirsty Dudes honored this day in the rightful and just way.

A little bite and a genuine ginger taste: this is the model right here, ladies and gentlemen. If this had been labeled a "ginger beer" I would have been upset that there wasn't enough bite. I have had ginger beers that taste like this, which is disappointing. This little guy packs a punch for a ginger ale. One word ruins a drink. Let it be known. It's all about expectations. I drank the Jamaican Ginger Ale and now I don't remember if there was a difference between the two.

This was probably one of the best ginger ales I have ever had. That's a thing to be said. Now, when people say to me, "Mike, you look great today. What is the best ginger ale you've ever had? I'm nauseous from being on this giant yacht of yours with real gold lions scattered throughout." I will say, "It happens, man. When you go out on a gigantic yacht that you can call your own you get used to it. One of my favorite ginger ales that you can get most places is Blue Sky ginger ale. Also, did you know that those giant gold lions have candy in their mouth? Reach on in and get a Fun Size Kit Kat. Don't puke on my boat."

I'll take a coffee, please. One sugar. Thanks. Ahh! This coffee is far too hot. Can I put this in your fridge to cool it down? Thank you very much. It smells great, but I just can't sip it without the fear of burning my mouth. We all know that nothing ruins your day like burning the roof of your mouth. Sure, I'd love to go to the mall.

[four hours later]

Did you see the great deal I got on these slacks? It's like I stole them from the store. Oh crudbuckets. I forgot my coffee in your fridge. You know what? I'll drink it. No, you don't need to make me another one. I drink iced coffee at work. What's the difference between that and this? Ice and some fancy but unnecessary syrup? I'm fine with this, thank you very much.

You know what? They must be adding something else I'm missing out on at the coffee shop because this just tastes kind of like cold coffee. I know, I know. It is cold coffee. You know, when I was in Taiwan, they had these tiny but near indestructible cans of coffee by some dude who looked like Dom Delouise called Mr. Brown. This is that, or that is this. Regardless of what it is, I have just created it in your home and now have no need to ever but it again.

You've got a great thing. Imagine, if you will, a pristine Pontiac Fiero. Gorgeous, right? Red with those strange but lovable cloth seats with the speakers in the headrest. Manual transmission, stock everything, fastback, and unaltered in every way. You love it, much like Cameron's dad's Ferrari in Ferris Bueler's Day Off, you wipe you car with a diaper. You reach a point in your life, though, where you've got a kid and you can no longer see yourself driving such a cherry roadster so you have to sell it. An eighteen year old in a beat up Neon comes to your house, hands you cash, and you sadly give him the keys and the title.

A year later you see the car around your work. It's got a dent in the hood, a plastic bag taped to the passenger window because of an apparent break-in attempt, bigger tires, and a different color passenger rear view mirror. You feel like all your hard work preserving the best of 1988 was for naught and shed the saddest single tear your eyes have ever shed. This drink is that.

You've got one great second of strawberry and kiwi that you wish never ended followed by a diet massacre. The final ingredient is sucralose, which ruins this entire drink turning it into the abomination of what it once was. It truly starts out very promising but then promptly takes a turn for the worse.

Both drinking this and writing that intro made me sad.

If I've learned one thing from my boss it's that you fill every receptacle in your house or apartment with water as soon as you her that something apocalyptic is about to happen. The water gets contaminated or water supply just gets cut. You end up drinking water of fish bowls and sand pails. For these reasons, you've got to spice it up any way you can.

While you are stocking up on bottled water if you are some sort of clean freak, you should stock up on these little guys. They are discreet and better than a lot of other drink mixes. It's organic, too so you can feel good about the lack of additives that are going into your system while you are absorbing countless radiation charges and poisons from whatever happened during the apocalypse. This is a good juice and doesn't taste like a mix at all. It is actually very cherry and somewhat berry tasting. Not too sweet although since it's a mix, you could make it as sweet or weak as you wanted. It might be the only fruit you're going to get if something happens to the crops.

My boss loves "end of the world" scenario shows and brings the "what ifs" into the office. We enjoy talking about it but not as much as he likes watching them. Also, nothing gets him madder than when they all get cancelled. Apparently no one else besides him thinks that preparedness is a skill worth learning.