Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Orange pop out of the gate is not on the top of my list. I've had decent ones but I've never had great ones. I've had one or two blood orange drinks that have been good but as a whole, orange pop, and most "fruit" pop should be limited to backyard barbecues. This though, this was not only the epitome of mediocre it was downright boring. Flat flavor and a rather candy-esque orange flavor all together. It actually was so non-impressive, it doesn't warrant any more of my time.

Cucumber, eh. I'll try it. Zero, eh. Alright. I don't hate Stevia and/or equivalents. Together at last? We'll see about that. After some scientific discovery, I have come up with the following conclusions. This starts off well. It's promising. It smells like cucumber and tastes like cucumber until...oh...there it is, the badness. It's overly sweet. Too sweet, even. It's that fake sweetener "too sweet" where it's sweet and cold at the same time.

Remember when you were in your freshman year of college and there was that adorable little girl that, for some reason, liked you? She was like five foot naught and somehow, without access to a legitimate kitchen, would make you cookies and cupcakes but out of the genuine sweetness of her heart and not because cupcakes are "cool" and a fad. She makes them because she wants to be noticed. She is truly sweet and was probably unfortunately taken by some dirtbag on the lacrosse team who just didn't treat her right. That simile is not like this drink. The simile to this drink is the girl you ended up with for six unfortunate days that loved light beer and was not shy to show a little too much skin and was a bit of a floozy. You knew that you made a mistake. She never made you sweets but she once bought you a cake that she got from a college party that somehow was still in one piece but had a ridiculous amount of the world's worst frosting ever one it. That's this drink. Frat cake. Too sweet. Promising on paper but just too much.

The text, much like the whippets at the Gathering of the Juggalos, don't stop. Non-stop text on this can. You want some ingredients? What languages don't you speak? This can't got 'em all, son. That's just number one right off the bat. I'm not penalizing Hype for it, just pointing it out. Oh, see that can with all the text on it? Yeah, don't worry about reading it. It's an energy drink.

Taste: Not terrible. I like it more than Red Bull. It's an energy drink so you know the overall flavor. This has a bit more, dare I say, "fruit." They have an organic version that Jay reviewed that might allow fruit not to be in quotes. I went to lunch and came back and took another sip and it was pretty vile. I'm not penalizing them for that, either. It wasn't refrigerated so that was on me. That's a free poisoning from me to you, Hype.

Honestly, I didn't hate it. If hype men like Flava Flav, Dapwell from Das Racist, or Bushwick Bill pushed this drink on me, I would say, "Gentlemen. No need to yell. I'm on board. Stop drinking this energy drink and maybe sit down with some tea. You need to relax. No, Dap, that was not a pun on your group's fantastic major label release."

Blech. Oh you like sweet pop? Consider me your number one researcher because I have found some sugary stuff for you. This is cream soda but it is more sugar than cream. I've got two sips invested into this guy so far and I can just hear the blood rushing towards the loins of dentists due to the amount of sweetness just degrading my poor teeth. Otherwise unaroused, middle aged men who secretly but not-so secretly love their quasi-attractive, semi-overweight receptionists and not-so secretly hate their wildy attractive wives just losing their mind at the thought of tending to my dental work due to the unfortunate run in with this pop. Dentists who expensive cars they hate but drive regardless because of the looks they get from girls. Dentists who have personalized license places that say things like "N1CETEEF" and " NYDENT15T" and "BR4CE584." They all want me.

Black can. I have never seen it before. It caught both Jay and I off guard when we went to the store once again looking for new stuff. I don't know how Arizona keeps churning out new products. They've got to push out a new product every month or so and only two or three per year I know about. My brother loves Arnold Palmer so much. I don't know how he drinks it. I don't particularly enjoy it. It's a little too diet but that could just be the "Lite" flavor. I know a couple kids like that. I always seem them drinking either the regular or the "Lite" but never these new flavors. Why? It's the same base that you love with some more flavors. Safe flavors, too. Strawberry? Who doesn't like a strawberry iced tea or strawberry lemonade? I say "or" because I don't know which side the strawberry lies on. It's good. Maybe it's like 75% half and half and then 25% strawberry Arizona. You know they're just mixing tubes down there in the factory. It's like a bunch of dudes saying, "Alright bring me the green tea tube and mix it with this pomegranate tube and why don't you bring me over that watermelon tube and we'll see what we can concoct." It's like the Mexican restaurant of drink companies where they only have seven ingredients and somehow manage to make a four page menu.

This is good, though. It still retains a little bit of tea, a little more lemonade, and a decent strawberry taste. Maybe Arnold Palmer was upset that Jack Nicklaus got a strawberry lemonade and he wanted some of the action on that. Those golfers. Always competing. Lay off each other, gents. You guys did pretty well for yourselves in your prime. You've each got a closet of green jackets you can be proud of.

Coconut: -2 points. Red Tea: +1 point. Xylitol: +1 point. Knowledge of the previous one I drank: -3 points. It took me some psyching to actually try this. I thought it was going to blow. The math just doesn't add up to something that is good. Now there is a lot to take into consideration when drinking this. Issue one is that the Xylitol in this drink runs rampant like lava flow through the ancient city of Pompeii. If you don't like this new blend of artificial sweeteners, just steer clear of this entire line because it is quite overbearing. That being said, it did a great job of covering up the taste of coconut. It's a little coconutty but not too bad. If you like coconuts, you might not like this because it's not as coconutty as you would like, I can assure you. It does manage to squeak in a little bit of a decent tea taste in between the violent tongue lashings from the Xylitol.

I hardly gave this drink a proper review but as soon as they get their mix straight and can serve me a proper flavor that doesn't taste like artificial sweetener with a hint of whatever flavor they're calling it, they'll get a decent review. For now, I work with what I have and that's not much.

Well. What a disappointment. If this wasn't in a fun bottle, it would have gotten a two but I gave it the benefit of the doubt and gave it a three. Flavor alone, two. Undoubtedly. Not because it was bad but because it was one of the most boring colas I've ever had. In the everlasting quest for the world's greatest cola, this is at the bottom of the list. I have had generic, supermarket cola that is better than this. It's just cola. No depth, body, or anything. Oh you want cola flavored pop? Here is some cola flavoring. Done. Corn syrup knocks it down. Just boring. Plain and simple. It's times like this when I really wish that I had that octopus flavored Ramune.

I was just thinking of how many times I could write the word "wonderful" before you stopped reading. Then I thought that would be a terrible, albeit factual review. In exchange, I will do a review titled: "Some of the best chocolate drink that has ever passed these lips"

This chocolate drink, for some reason not called chocolate milk, is simply splendid. It is smooth, creamy, and has bits of badam in it. "What is badam?" you ask? Almonds, friend. Almonds. And "bits" is a good way to describe them. They are super tiny and in some sips, non-existent. To further extend the experimentation of what we do here at Thirsty Dudes, a friend of "the dudes" poured a quarter of his half of the drink into the remnants of his coffee making a rather delicious mocha.

I bought this at an Indian market and you should, too. Seriously, you should. Five bottles. You know what that means, right? It means quit your job and go buy some chocolate drink!

So I says to Dan I says, "Dan, remember how you were complaining about there not being enough oxygen in your water? Welp, here you go. Together we drink and together we are energized." I don't know why I went a little "80's Russian bad guy" there but I did.

It's water with more oxygen. No one asked for it but if you're going to further perfect and enhance water with no drawbacks, please, you are doing a good thing. Keep doing miniscule, minute changes/fixes to make the best beverage even better.

Holy crap I feel like I am going to puke. This drink...jeez louise. Just vomit. Gaaah. I can sum this drink up in a lovely simile. Did you, like me grow up biting your fingernails? Did your parents buy you that stuff that you put on your fingernails that made them taste disgusting? This is what that tastes like. Absurdly bitter. Oh it smells inviting but one sip and you are on the fast track to Hurlburg. Please add sugar to this next time. I honestly can't see anyone liking this. I appreciate 100% Juice when it's a good fruit at 100%. Grapefruit juice at 100% sucks.

You know what's nice? Not having a urinary tract infection. I know that it goes without saying but once you've been through living at college, you learn a thing or two about them. Number one is that you can't drink cranberry juice without at least thinking of one. This drink reminded me of a urinary tract infection unfortunately but it doesn't hinder my opinion of it, as it was good. It was nothing special as it was just a cranberry juice, but it was nice. A juice is a wonderful thing when you spend all your time drinking pop and other things. That being said, I just read the back of this and there are 280 calories in it and now I'm upset that I drank the whole thing. I thought this would be healthier. I don't know why Mr. Welch used corn syrup but I think that I drank it fast enough that it was cool enough to still be enjoyable.

This is good. I could have stood to drink half of it but hey, what are you going to do now, right? Nothing. That's what.

You know what I hate? I hate when people get perfume in my pop. I absolutely hate it. I often leave open bottles of pop on the floor at grandmother's homes and you know how grandmas are. They spray that perfume on with a Super Soaker before raging at the Bingo parlor, just gallon after gallon of lavender and Chanel No. 5.

I must have accidentally left this bottle open at everyone's grandmother's house in Western New York before I drank it because this drink tastes like a slew of different old women. It was a lot like the Pakola Ice Cream pop that we drank many moons ago. It tastes nothing like you would expect and everything like you don't want. Not a strong sales approach.

Who needs seedless watermelons? I mean seriously. You're eating watermelon outside and you are almost encouraged to spit the seeds. I don't think I've ever eaten sliced watermelon inside. Sure, cubed watermelon as part of a fruit salad I've eaten inside, but the kind that looks like fruit pizza I think I've only eaten outside. I love the stuff. I love the seeds. There is something therapeutic about filling your mouth with seeds and machine gunning them out. Not at someone as that would be sticky, disrespectful, and pretty disgusting. Just shoot them for distance and for fun.

I'm pretty sure that the whole "If you eat the seeds you will grow a watermelon in your stomach." I think that anyone who has ever believed that was true has never had a garden a day in their lives. I would say that twenty-five percent of my annual garden just doesn't come to fruition due to poor soil, water, drainage, dogs, space, etc. It's hard to grow some things and you need optimal environment to grow a lot of things. You really think that a watermelon could germinate inside your acidic stomach filled with hamburger grease, pop, sugars, no sunlight, and no real nutrients. I mean, you could argue that it was like a composter but it's still far too dangerous for anything to sprout. So that's that.

So if you still aren't convinced that you don't not need seeds, this drink is for you. It's watermelon flavors, as it should be since it claims it is, but it's right in the middle of "real" watermelon and "candy" watermelon flavored. It's a tallboy and should be shared. No one should drink this in one sitting unless they love 300 garbage calories dedicated to a drink that doesn't fully taste like the fruit it represents. I think you could probably eat a whole watermelon for under 300 calories. I wouldn't recommend it as you body would have to go into some sort of fruit shock. That might just be called diarrhea, actually. Don't get me wrong, it's a good drink and is nice on overcast days like this to bring you back to a childhood summer, but for almost twenty-four ounces, this is gluttonous.

Who doesn't love Lemonheads? I know I do. They're one of the best candies you can get that has a good lemon flavor. I didn't know what to expect until I looked at this wine shaped bottle and saw the stuff at the bottom. The stuff on the bottom? Pulp. The lifeforce of a lemon or other rined fruit. I think you can see where I'm going here but this tastes like Lemonheads. It's got a great lemon flavor but a nicely candied, still sour lemon. I don't know where these came from. Jay got them for me among his worldly travels. Wherever it came from, you should find it and get some. Get it for yourself and get some for your kids that like little candies. It's not terrible and if you're into health food you will enjoy the sensation that your tooth-rotting child is drinking something organic. I am not into health food and I wouldn't give this to my kid but my kid is under two and he shouldn't be drinking pop. Your kid can drink pop. I don't care. I'm not his dad. Am I his dad? I thought I was in the clear. Have my new found son call me. They've got some catching up to do and I've got a kid to inevitably disappoint.

Frankenstorm. Is that what they're calling it? Frankenstorm? All of the Thirsty Dudes are from Buffalo and we know a thing or two about storms. "The October Storm" is a storm that locals refer to as "The October Storm" but in actuality happened like six or seven years ago. We still call it that. I know there was "The Blizzard Of '77" but that has a year attached to it. "The October Storm" hit like nothing anyone has ever seen with warm, then melt, then flash freeze and then it just rained branches and snow simultaneously.

Canada felt a little bit, too, I bet, being so close an I know that some people were stuck in their homes. One thing that can survive without a fridge is Canada Dry. I don't know why, but it's always carbonated. Industry secrets. I guess if I was hunkered down in some iced over bomb shelter Canada Dry as the refreshment wouldn't be too bad. One step better would be this cranberry variety. It's a nice blend of the classic taste and a new, fruity twist. It's not too sweet so when you're in your temporary concrete, windowless retreat, you aren't bugging out with too much sugar. I'm not sure why, but I'm thinking that the shelter is set up like one of those church rec rooms with all old, used furniture, dark, wood paneling, and just decks of pinochle cards and not a "regular" deck of cards at all. That decor mixed with cranberry Canada Dry is defiantly better than some have it, but it's only half ideal. It makes you wish you took that winter vacation to the Florida Keys like you were planning. Hindsight is twenty twenty my friend.

Rumor has it that it's been a rough year for apples. It was a blisteringly hot summer and that's not good for any sort of trees, plants, fruits, vegetables, and everything in-between. I assume the orchards aren't just throwing away bushels of lesser quality apples. I hope that there will be an influx of apple goods like apple cider, apple donuts, apple bread, something. I like apples. I like certain apples more than other but I like them all. Apple juice is good but companies as of late have been really nailing that apple flavor and not just apple flavoring things.

This pop is apple. Red apple. Not apple flavored. It says "natural and artificial flavors" but I'm thinking that's a misprint. It's a really good flavor. It's sweet but it's pop. If you've had Jones before they are a little guilty of over sweetening their pop. It's real sugar though so over sweetening with cane sugar versus artificial sweetener, in my opinion, is way more drinkable. I'm just saying they could cut back a bit.

Autumn, apples, cider, hoodies; it's all happening now, for a limited time. Fall is a short season because you take summer for every day but as soon as snow hits, it's mentally winter. That's the frigidly cold truth. I'm not telling lies over here, just truths.

Kids? I love kids. Why, I've got a nephew. Oh yeah? What's his name? I want to say Mason. Clifford. Little Clifford.

That's what I thought of the entire time with this drink but replace "Mason" with "urinal cake." It's brutal. I apologize. Surely a company wouldn't create a drink that tastes like urinal cakes. Well, not purposely anyway. Something about this drink reminds me of a men's room. I can't put my finger on it. I've never eaten or drank anything from a bathroom, nor do I want to. My girlfriend tells me tales of people going into stalls with a place of chicken wings and coming out with a plate of bones. That happens. This is happening, too and I just can't put my finger on it. Let me try to break it down again. No more sleepy dreamin'.

Initial sip...lemon, like a concentrated lemonade but pulpless. Follow up larger sip bitter lemonness followed by a strange, tangy undertone. If anyone has ever chewed a vitamin C tablet, you know, the ones that are like tiny, compressed capsules of orange juice, that's the intensity of citric power that is emanating from each subsequent tiny sip. The cane juice isn't offensive but it might be the Stevia but it's actually taking a strange turn. Normally Stevia has a small, sharp taste but now it's somehow transformed into a bitter one.

I don't know what's going on in this bottle. I drank it in its entirety but didn't particularly enjoy it. Every sip kept me coming back for more just so that I could pinpoint what it is I didn't like about it. I guess if that's their tactic, they are sure to sell tons of this stuff.

'tis the season for cider. Finally. Look, I like fall because I like hoodies but I love cider and forget about it until it's everywhere and I think "Hey! Cider season really snuck up on us." I enjoy most ciders and I don't know if I've had a bad one. Maybe it's because it's a tougher drink, potentially perishable, and not really indigenous to most areas. The Northeast where two-thirds of the Thirsty Dudes live is chocked full of apples. That being said, I don't know where this drink is actually made since I'm not looking at the bottle. It was from Aldi's and is their home brand if that helps narrow down the location.

With the addition of cherry, I was hooked. It had to be good. You are probably expecting me to dis it now, right? You know me. Always taking you one way and spinning you around the other way. Pulling an old Mike 180 on you. Well, I'm not always that predictable because this was actually pretty good. No added sugar, 100% juice, decent cider taste, not a medicinal cherry taste. That's a recipe for something truly special and delicious. It wasn't as spiced as I would have wanted but that's just me being a snob. It was still good and I have no legitimate complaints.

This was probably a steal at the store, seasonal, delicious, and a decent juice. In the end, you win any way you look at it. Aldi's...seriously...keep it up. You're doing wonderfully.

Passion fruit. The fruit of passion. Rumor has it, if you eat one right before...you know...rocking the sheets, you will have a better time than if you go in un-fruited. Now a passion fruit drink filled with vitamins and minerals specially formulated to help you get the job done is another story. Fresh out of the fridge, this drink is pretty good. It's got a strong passion fruit taste and a little diet taste but not terribly offensive. The longer you take to drink it though, buddy, it goes downhill.

Look, if I'm getting ready for a night in the sack, I would chug this until the can is empty or I ran out of breath so that's not a problem. If you are drinking it as a casual drink, which is strange since you aren't normally doin' it at 1:20pm on a workday, you are going to suffer the consequences. This drink gets more diet tasting and more cough syrupy the longer you take to drink it. If it tasted like it does now all the time, I would have rated this lower, but since I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt of you slamming this before a sweet night of love making, I'm upping the review.

Sometimes, and truckers I'm looking at you, all the horny goat weed in the world just doesn't do the trick. You need something else for those hungry lot lizards. That something else is this bido Juice. It's for your libido. That's your sexuals. It will help you put another notch on the ol' bedpost while in the (un)comforts of your own truck in that odd bed that probably doesn't have actual bedposts so you might just draw a little tick on the wall. Oh the wall in the cab of a truck. I imagine it looking like an old movie jail cell where there are just ticks everywhere. Truckers, you are men. Nabbin' skirts. That's your second job. Delivering packages and delivering packages. That's what you do.

"Maybe I'll get a Jamocha shake." I said to myself in the pouring rain as we were on our way to Arby's. I don't normally get shakes but I thought for that reason I might get one. One foot in the joint and I saw this...

...and thought it might be good for the site. You know, people like Arby's. Everyone loves to say "Horsey Sauce" and new products are always fun.

As you can see, what I got did not exactly resemble what was shown but I understand not everything can be so fancy. Rather than pulling a "Falling Down" I decided to drink this and not say a word, well, until now I guess. I honestly don't care how this came to me, it was just drastic enough to point out.

I kind of knew what I was in for and it's very easy to explain. Take a vanilla milkshake, crush a handful of starlight mints in it, blend, put more crushed mints on top, drink. That's it. There might have been a pink, mint syrup involved, too, because I can't see how the colors ran so much in such little amount of time. You probably think I'm going to make a "These colors don't run." or "America" reference but not today. Instead I'll come through and let you know what a drink was like. Novel idea for a website that claims to review drinks, right?

It was good. I certainly didn't need as much as I received and sure, I could have just stopped drinking but the chunks of candy were at the bottom and, much like a drug addict or an eight years old boy on Halloween, I just couldn't stop. Poor kids. They just love candy so much. I bet both of those parties would enjoy this milkshake. It would probably help out the meth head's bad breath due to lack of teeth and dental coverage.