Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Oh kids. You've got so many more selections than when I was a kid. I want you to read that like I was the oldest man alive because that's how I meant it to be read. The written word just doesn't have the same flair as, say, an audio recording. Oh, you know, kids. Records. Remember records? Remember crank windows? You dumb kids and your dumb buttons. Try endlessly turning a knob for a little bit, why don't'cha? Lazy brats. Oh, right. Reviews. Right.

I don't spend a lot of time around raspberries but I've been around an apple a couple times and I've got to say, this is a very accurate portrayal of that dynamic duo. You've got some super sweetness from the apple and some nice berryness (not a real word) from the raspberries. Not too bad, Litl' Squirts. All without adding any extra sugar in there, too. You, sirs and madams, have made a good juice.

Speaking of little squirts, you! Hey, you! Do something constructive with your life. Yeah, I'm sure leveling up in World Of Warcraft took a long time but it's not making you a better person. Go get dirty. Get hurt. Get a job. Stop talking on the phone. Drink some healthy juices. Get strong. Be nice to old people. Get me something to drink. Hold the door for people. Be polite. Golden rule. You kids are the worst, nowadays. The worst.

Shane. Get in here. What are you thinking with this? We can't put this out to the public. It's...it's...bland. It also tastes like it might have gone bad. Why is it with every sip I feel like I'm drinking the black plague? It's just a lightly fruity tea. Sure, it says it's "green tea" but I don't really get any bite. As for the plum, yeah, it's there but between the two of them, they're just kind of mellowing out in a sea of mediocrity.

I don't know what's gotten into you lately. You said you were working on something great and this is it? I don't know. We might have to think about getting a new research and development guy in here because this is beyond lackluster. It feels dangerous to drink, actually. Oh. Oh. You say this isn't what you've been working on and it's just something that you mixed together with some stuff you found in the communal kitchen? Oh. Well sorry, Shane. What have you been working on? A diaper that can hold more poop? You're wearing it? You've been wearing it for how long?! Six days? Shane?! That's disgusting. Disgusting and brilliant. You've kept your job buddy. Keep up the good and non-stinky work.

Now, in the comfort of my own home I can enjoy the sweet, spicy taste of chocolate chai. No more lines. No more waiting for people to get their backpacks, feet, and iPods off the table so I can be a patron to the establishment I went to spend money at. No more frustrating ordering of dumbly named drinks. No more, I say, for now all of that has been crammed into a delightful carton of love and spices.

This drink rules. There. I said it. There are really no if, ands, or buts about it. All that you love about chai and all that you love about chocolate has been sucked from the bowels of the earth where chai is made to give it that earthen taste and injected into hermetically sealed cartons. That plastic flip-top really seals in all that spicy earth. Seriously though, it's a nice, dark chocolate taste with a strong cinnamon river running throughout.

I really thought I was never going to get what I wanted when it came to chocolate chai but thanks to Jay and his knowledge of the world around him, he let me in on this secret and now I am blowing the lid of the joint and letting you, the public know about it. Oh, this spicy, creamy, chocolate goodness. I shall see you again soon, my friend.

Bunny, when you're done flirting with that ski instructor please meet me in the lodge for some hot chocolate. You weren't flirting? Then I'm guessing that piece of paper you gave him didn't have your phone number on it and had something like directions to the nearest Dairy Queen. Right. I'm sure, Bunny.

I got you and iced tea. Sit. Let's talk. How was that Green Circle you did? Well you're learning. You can't jump up just yet. It might seem boring but it's all about fundamentals, my dear. Aren't you going to ask daddy how his black diamond was? It was fine. Nothing like the one I did in Aspen last autumn but it's adequate. I saw you fall a couple times but you're learning. What did they teach you at that ski camp we went to? Pizza and french fries, right. Well, no, we don't eat pizza or french fries. Those foods are for a lower echelon than us. I got us some dark hot chocolate. I'm sure it's not as good as the stuff we drank when we were vacationing in the French Alps but it's better than nothing.

What do you think of this, Bunny. The view, the quality of the snow, the hot chocolate? You like it? Concise. I like it. This hot chocolate is good but leaves a bit to be desired. I suppose it's the same as the regular hot chocolate with the smallest possible amount of dark chocolate added to be able to call it a "dark chocolate" hot chocolate. It's good but would be nice if it had a bit more of that dark chocolate flavor. Remember when Hans made it for us and he melted down Swiss dark chocolate on the stove and mixed it with heated milk? That is what I wish this was but you can't expect that luxury everywhere, I suppose.

Well darling. Shall we get back out there? In an hour or so your mother will be back from shopping with an armful of bags and a new fur coat. Honestly, I've already had to have a separate closet built just for her fur hats, coats, and scarves.

Looking to expand your horizons? Sure. Why wouldn't you be? No one likes to be stagnant. No one likes to eat the same thing over and over again. No one likes to do the same thing time and time again. People need variance. People need change. I bet you don't drink juice with chunks of fermented coconut in it. If you do, I think the next step is something sassy like latex fun. If you haven't gotten there yet, chunky drinks that taste like flowers are the previous step. It's a good step, too. Sometimes the flowers can be too perfumy but sometimes they can be alright. In this drink's case, they are pretty good. There is a nice, firm texture on the coconut chunks and the flavor is a nicely sweetened, nicely floral little number.

You should know as soon as you drink this, though. You should know that the next step is, as I mentioned before, latex fun. Tight stuff. Stuff with zippers. Like it or not, that's next. Brace yourself. It gets hot in there.

Oooohhh how I wanted this to be great. You know, and if you don't you should, Jay and I love hibiscus. Green tea and hibiscus? Set me up because that jam is my jam. This...falls...so...short. It's hardly floral and there is no green tea bite and it's just too tame to be good. Oh the disappointment. Oh the sorrow. Oh the tears. Oh the children. The poor crying children. They're crying over the promised millions that this dream team of a tea was supposed to earn in order for them to eat food. Welp, looks like there are going to be some hungry kids tonight. Thanks, tea representatives.

Everyone is sick, right? This has been a brutal winter. It's the worst one in a long time. Not so much for the snow but man have you ever lived through so many consecutive sub-zero days in all your life? Frozen pipes and hundred dollar heat bills will be the death of me.

One thing that I think, psychosomatically, makes me feel better is tea. Hot tea and cold tea. It doesn't matter. Unsweetneed. When I went to the store and saw this, after the way that I felt the last couple days, you'd better believe that I got this. The whole gallon. I bought it, pretty effortlessly. "Green and white tea with a hint of mint. That will clear me up." I thought to myself.

Now I'm three glasses into this gallon and it's a very fine tea. It's unsweetened so there is nothing getting in the mix. You can taste the green, you can taste the white, and, if you think about it, you can taste the mint. "Hint of mint" is about all you get. Am I letting that get the best of me? No. I'm picking my battles and if it's being mad at a tea for not having enough hints, I'm wasting my time. I've wasted a lot of time in my life but being sore at mint has never clocked any time on the board and trust me that board has a lot of gripes on it.

My quest might be over. Jay and I had a bit of a "date day" today. We ran all sorts of assorted errands like buying a microphone, replacing a headlight, duplicating a key, and so much more. One of our stops, midway through the way, was a trip to Starbucks. He read my previous review about my new quest of finding the ideal chocolate chai and how what I'm looking for just might not exist. Well friends, he changed my opinions on that matter by introducing me to Starbucks chocolate chai.

This chai, was in all regards, superior to any other chocolate chai I have ever had. Not only can you taste a strong chocolate flavor but it also has bite, brother. It's downright spicy with its nutmeg or cinnamon or wizardry or whatever else makes up a chai. Sure it was the temperature of the sun when I was handed to me and I left it in the car while Jay and I ran more errands but when I got back, it couldn't have been more "go time" if it tried. This, without a doubt, is my new drink. Goodbye childish hot cocoa. Goodbye adult hot chocolate mocha. Hello Eastern treat chocolate chai. Eastern right? You have a little debate about that. I'm leaving it there.

It must be difficult for a gypsy to run a company. I mean, they're vagabonds. They're always moving around. It must be quite expensive to constantly pay that one dollar to the United States Postal Service to have your address changed. Also, to have to pack and unpack an entire tea company cannot be easy. Did Zhena establish the company, put her seal of approval and then grab her things and hit the road like she's supposed to? She put the company in capable and stable hands of people who didn't have to move so that she could continue her life as a gypsy. I think that in the world of gypsies, no one likes a nonconformist gypsy that doesn't move or steal. That's what they do, right? That and strange, confusing street games.

Alley games and layered clothing aside, Zehna did a pretty nice job with this. Not a super strong chocolate taste but do you really want something strong? The chai is a nice flavor, though. There are a lot of flavors in there I wish I could taste more like the licorice but you can taste the clove, nutmeg, and maybe cinnamon. It's all kind of mulling around in my mouth but they're all bold flavors and hard to distinguish once they're all in there. I'll give them dark chocolate but it's not the most potent chocolate tea I've ever had. I think that my search for a strong chocolate chai might be a wild goose chase. I wonder if a gypsy could catch a wild goose. I think that I gypsy would make a false promise of a wild goose for some sort of monetary gain. "I'll give you a wild goose from the back of this wagon for four dollars. Let me have the money and I'll just make change in the...back...of...this...wagon..." and then you duck to dodge the wagon spitting out small rocks and dirt because they just sped off with your money. That's how they get you; with that promise of one dollar change. Smart racket. Wish I had thought of it.

I wanted to share this with as many people as I could in the case that it actually tasted like kimchi. Within the last year or two I have really gotten into kimchi from, somehow, never having tried it for thirty years. Now any time it's on the menu I'll try and get it; that is if udon isn't on the menu. There is a restaurant not far from where Jay and I live that has kimchi udon and it is far from terrible. There is a kimchi soup called kimchi jjiGae that just rules. Tofu, pork, kimchi, spice, noodles and rice cakes: the whole thing.

So now you know my recent new love. Big deal, right? Well it's important to have an appreciation for kimchi before you drink this because it tastes just like kimchi. I'm not kidding. It tastes like someone juiced kimchi and added a sprinkle of sugar and carbonated it. It's frighteningly accurate. It's good in that it tastes like what it's supposed to but what it is supposed to taste like is not a carbonated, sweetened drink.

It is what it is but what it is just shouldn't be.

Marshall, you are a good dude but you've got some faults. You are a great runner but you...well Marshall. I don't know any other way to tell you this, but you stink. I think, and this is coming from love, that the reason that you are winning all these races is because the kids you're racing against are coughing and they aren't hearing the signal to go off. Now, you're not obese but you could stand to lose some weight. Look, like I said, you're doing great. You are a fast runner but I don't know if you're fast because you are actually fast or you are fast because you are stinking all your opponents to high heaven.

I don't know what you eat or drink but I've got a suggestion. Two actually. One is that you take a shower. I can actually see a strand of spaghetti in your hair that has been there for three days at least. You're covered in what I can only assume are ketchup and mustard stains. Maybe you should cut back on the hot dogs, buddy. Since we're talking about cutting things out, a quick way to lose some weight is to cut out some of the pop in your diet. No more of this twenty-ounce pop before each race thing. I'm helping you more than you know. Here, try this. I've been drinking it for a while now and I like it. Sure it's a little "modern diet" because you can taste the Erytritol and Stevia but it's better than your mama's diet cola. It tastes like a pretty regular lemon lime pop which is saying a lot since it's zero calories.

Now look, today and today only. Stink up the joint and bring us to county finals. Then the change begins. Now get out of here before I throw up and if I see that spaghetti in your hair tomorrow you're off the team. You hear me, Marshall, off the team.

I can tell you that I got this in Canada and I can tell you that Jay and I had a wonderful time eating sandwiches and talking about music and I think we might have seen Cheap Girls with Jay's lady friend but what I couldn't tell you is how long this drink would sit around and not get drank. Did it deserve its purgatory both in a box and on a shelf? No. It should have been drunk sooner because it was rather good. You know, for all intents and purposes, porpoises (?), no, it's purposes, it's just a fruit punch.

No one ever defined what fruit had to be in a fruit punch but here in America, we have really been, figuratively speaking I hope, crapping the bed. Yeah, you've got some cherries and some grapes. Maybe even a crossover blueberry and/or pear. What you don't have is pomegranate and why not? Sure they're a little expensive but there are so many little bits of joy in there that one could go a long way. This drink tastes like a pretty honest and good blend of both blueberry and pomegranate, which doesn't happen too often, but when you don't have sugar, real or fake, mucking up the mix, you can actually taste ingredients. Novel idea, eh? The "eh" was an homage to Canada who produced this drink and allowed my to have an internationally good time with Jay, my dogg.

Part of a good, quality cream soda is that it's smooth. It should taste like I'm drinking vanilla ice cream, right? Well this drink tastes like someone forgot to put ice cream in and put sparkling non-alcoholic champagne in instead. I mentioned to this to Jay and he told me that it's a shame because the blueberry birch beer was "sensational." This is much less than that. This is disappointing because I really want to sit and mellow out with a mellowed out pop but I got something I feel like I've got to quickly come with something to celebrate about in order to drink. This is nothing to celebrate about.

It's not terrible to be in the middle. For the most part, if you are in the middle you are either content with skimming by or you like to stay hidden. That or the whole "glass ceiling" thing. You'll break it one day, friend. As soon as they understand that great idea of yours isn't as crazy as they once thought.

Speaking of the middle, no not the overplayed Jimmy Eat World song, but this drink. It is in the middle between a crappy orange juice and "orange drink" which is inherently crappy. I don't know where the "ade" comes from but I wish someone had helped "aid" this company in the flavoring of this drink. Yes, I know. Pun humor. If any drink dictates it, this one does. It's not bad, but it just tastes like it could either be better or worse and that in itself is its punishment.

Middle finger? Too strong for this drink. It just tastes a little diet, all fake, and like you thought, "Hey. Orange is orange." and mixed orange drinks together and called it a day and hoped your daddy wouldn't notice you drank most of his orange juice. Oh he'll know and you'll be in trouble. It's just orange juice though so he won't be mad for long. Just go outside and shovel or mow the lawn or something.

Mountain Dew? For breakfast? That's right, friends. Now, you no longer just need to write code or play Halo until the wee hours of the night to earn the right to drink it. Now, housewives, chefs, music teachers, and X-ray technicians can wake up, do the stretch, and just start chugging. Best of all is that it almost doesn't taste like Mountain Dew. It tastes like a black cherry pop with some black cherry juice mixed with some Mountain Dew. Just some Mountain Dew, not all Mountain Dew. It's the better parts of Mountain Dew but it's cut off before it gets carried away.

Look, now that everyone can drink it, you'd better get it because before you know it, librarians, film historians, garbage men, lemonade repair man, ham analyst, foot doctors, and kneecap surgeons are going to be buying it all up. Get in your car now if you think that a black cherry Mountain Dew sounds good.

"Four Seasons" starring four fruits. Watch this fall as your favorite fruits get together for the first time since high school and see what each one has been up to. In this heartwarming, yet hilarious tale, we learn about the four characters both as individuals and as a group and watch as them meet and grow apart. Tears are shed, punches are thrown and laughs are had.

We start out with Mango, a tough kid from the wrong side of the tracks meets up with Orange, a pretty, do-gooder who just wants a change of pace are playing basketball when on to the court comes Pineapple, a shifty-eyed kids that can't help but get into trouble. Finally, Guava, the youngest of the crew meets them at the mall and just doesn't leave them alone.

Together they get part time jobs at a juice factory where they made juice that tastes like them. It is a company run by Mango's dad who started it in his garage just to stay busy and out of trouble. Together they learn how to manage school, work and women all at the same time while making a nice juice that they all agree was better than almost any fruit punch. It is made with real ingredients (and heart) by four scrappy kids from all walks of life. It was not too sweet and everyone had their time in the sun.

Watch as they all say their goodbyes and go away to college but come back for a holiday several years later and talk about what their lives have become.

Find it today in your nearest gas station's "Straight to Video" bin.

Root tea? I'd say. This drink tastes like a cornucopia of bark and herbs. It's very strange, very bold, and just alright. It is a sipping tea. No one is chugging this stuff and if you are, you're doing it wrong. This tea is made for...well I don't really know who or what scenario it's made for. If I had to pick a demographic, it would be mid-twenty year old hippies. They love the earth, dirt, and herbs. This seems like it was made for them. Like I said, it's not bad, but I don't know anyone who actually has a taste for it. It tastes like a dark root beer that was made without any carbonation that was filtered through a nice oak tree and the "scientist" who did that let their adorable eight year old daughter sprinkle some cinnamon in there. It's "woodsy" if you know what I mean. At lease when I drink something like a spruce beer I feel like I'm in the forest. This "root tea" tastes like I am foraging around on the ground for anything I can get nutrients from.

In closing: It's strange but it's alright in small sips and doses.

Look kid, this is ridiculous. Get to work. You've been here for four days and you haven't done anything. We've got deadlines and you're costing this company its reputation. We brought you on because you had a good portfolio and you could talk the talk but you and I both know that is only half of the gig. That's right. "The walk."

What do you need? Do you need something? We've got to get some work done and we can't get it done without everyone pitching in. So what do you need? Something to drink? Yeah? Cool. Look, I've got this right here. I was going to drink it but you can have it. It's still cold. It's lime flavored water but isn't strongly flavored it's just a light flavoring. I don't know how to explain it. Here, just take it. I've had it before and it's alright but anything to incentiviseâ…‚¬Å½ you. It's good but it's nothing special really. It's kind of like a flat Sierra Mist or something. You can taste the lime but it's weak. It's just water with "essence" of lime so you can take that how you will.

Alright, look at you. You just needed some lubrication like the Tin Man. You're working! You're really working. Man, I'm not picking on you. We're paying you to work and you're just sitting in here staring at the ceiling. That's not right. Enjoy that water and get to work. Seriously.

Samantha, you've got to stop it with the diet pop. Really? Breakfast, lunch and dinner? That's absurd. You have your weight under control but who knows what that stuff is doing to you on top of the fact that your teeth look like you've stupidly replaced them with individual pieces of corn. Yeah, I said it. No one else in this office is going to say anything. I feel like I've got to stand up and address the yellow toothed elephant in the room. We've been working together at this office for years and I have watched you lose a lot of weight and for that I commend you. I could stand to drop a solid dub but I'm not as regimented as some of the guys in here going to the gym at lunch breaks.

I have a gift for you, Samantha. It's something different. It's something without any artificial sweeteners, colors and junk. It's just sparkling flavor. What flavors, you ask? Why raspberries and limes, those two cats. Now I have seen you in the cafeteria eating fruit before while reading Gawker on you phone until the second before your lunch break ends so I know that I'm not barking up the wrong tree. Try it. I bought one earlier and though you might like this.

It's good, right? It's not to...seltzery. It's got a good raspberry taste with a slight lime taste. It's sparkling and, if anything, cleaning your teeth rather than just covering them is "caramel coloring" which seems like an unnecessary ingredient. No, it's not the best seltzer I've ever had but it was there and I thought you might enjoy a nice change.

You like it? Great. Are you going to stop it with the diet cola? You will? Wait...what? How many cases? You have seventeen cases of diet cola in your apartment? Oh yeah, I understand that they were on sale but let me save you even more money. Stop buying them, Samantha. Look. I just saved you the sale price of seventeen cases of vile drinks. You're welcome, twice.

Today has proven to be quite a blustery winter day even for me. What do I mean by that? Well here in Buffalo, you gain kind of a winter skin every year. You begin to not really care about the cold too much and by late January through March, you'll have days that are in the high thirties where you just don't wear a coat at all. You become accustomed to it. It's completely different that those people that wear shorts in the wintertime. Those people are just idiots.

Part of the whole "Being From Buffalo" thing is that I just drank iced tea and ate ice cream after walking my dog outside in six degree weather with twenty five mile per hour winds. That's not right to those of you from the South but up here, we handle the cold like you handle your sweaty, sticky, hundred degree weather.

The iced tea I drank was this large bottle from Trader Joe's where Jay and myself went last week. We bought the dumbest stuff available; mochi, iced tea, dried mango, and juice: Hardly grocery shopping. This tea took the backs seat while I destroyed the original green that I love so much. This is a different animal in and of itself. If I were to taste this not knowing that blueberry and/or pomegranate touched it, I don't think that I would have been able to guess what it was specifically. The more I drink it, though, the more I will just accept that they're in there messing around like a bunch of college teens who's parent's went to the grocery store and left them alone. It's half way between floral and fruity but that's only fifty (or twenty five percent each) of the drink. The other fifty is that nice base of a bitter green tea that loves me more than I've loved many girlfriends.

Would I take this over the regular green tea? I don't think so. This is "special occasion" stuff. Not because it's any more expensive, but just because I'd have to be in the right mood for it. The green tea I'm always here for like a truly supportive companion that takes all his melodramatic girlfriends to the hospital as soon as they complain about a headache or stomachache. He'll learn. I did.