Option A:

Step One: Go out and buy yourself one of those fancy machines that allow you to carbonate anything. As a matter of fact, you should already have one in your home because how fun would it be to make random carbonated things? Actually, why don't I have one of those in my home? I feel like I have somehow failed at life because of this fact. Perhaps it's because I would inevitably carbonate things that should never have tiny bubbles in them. No matter. Get one of those machines, that is your mission.

Step Two: Brew yourself some low-grade green tea. Don't go getting all fancy, get some bags of Lipton or something. This isn't a pinky out kind of tea that we're going for. While your at it chop up a little ginger and boil it with the tea bags. Make asure not to use too much because we just want a hint of the flavor.

Step Three: Add a cubic buttload of corn syrup to sweeten up this mess we're creating.

Step Four: Use the machine previously mentioned in step one to add bubbles to your concoction.


Option B:

Step One: Get a bottle of Canada Dry ginger ale.

Step Two: Brew some low-grade green tea, skip the sugar and ginger this time.

Step Three: Somehow make a concentrate of the tea.

Step Four: Mix your green tea concentrate into your ginger ale.



Either of those options would give you something close to this soda. Option B is probably closer to procedure you're looking for. This really tastes like a cheap green tea that has some light ginger ale undertones. I mean that in a good way though. If this had less sugar in it (58g) I would be all over this stuff. It tastes shockingly great.

It must be difficult for a gypsy to run a company. I mean, they're vagabonds. They're always moving around. It must be quite expensive to constantly pay that one dollar to the United States Postal Service to have your address changed. Also, to have to pack and unpack an entire tea company cannot be easy. Did Zhena establish the company, put her seal of approval and then grab her things and hit the road like she's supposed to? She put the company in capable and stable hands of people who didn't have to move so that she could continue her life as a gypsy. I think that in the world of gypsies, no one likes a nonconformist gypsy that doesn't move or steal. That's what they do, right? That and strange, confusing street games.

Alley games and layered clothing aside, Zehna did a pretty nice job with this. Not a super strong chocolate taste but do you really want something strong? The chai is a nice flavor, though. There are a lot of flavors in there I wish I could taste more like the licorice but you can taste the clove, nutmeg, and maybe cinnamon. It's all kind of mulling around in my mouth but they're all bold flavors and hard to distinguish once they're all in there. I'll give them dark chocolate but it's not the most potent chocolate tea I've ever had. I think that my search for a strong chocolate chai might be a wild goose chase. I wonder if a gypsy could catch a wild goose. I think that I gypsy would make a false promise of a wild goose for some sort of monetary gain. "I'll give you a wild goose from the back of this wagon for four dollars. Let me have the money and I'll just make change in the...back...of...this...wagon..." and then you duck to dodge the wagon spitting out small rocks and dirt because they just sped off with your money. That's how they get you; with that promise of one dollar change. Smart racket. Wish I had thought of it.

As I get older I've started paying more attention to my heath and what I eat. You get to a certain point and you're old friend metabolism isn't quite what it used to be. It's a sad state of affairs similar to watching a childhood pet grow old and incontinent, except you know with less crying and fewer emotional scars. So here I am at 34, going to the gym three times a week (once a year would never have crossed my mind a few short years ago), eating better (cutting back on processed fake meats, eating more fruits and vegetables, cutting back on snacking) and trying to drink more 100% juice. I must say that drinking all these dumb drinks for this website it not helping anything, but such is progress, or some other inappropriate line.

Raaw is a company that I can get behind for my juice intake, and lucky for me they are now available around Buffalo, NY. I haven't bought into the whole raw diet thing. I know it has it's benefits, and I'm not going to make any excuses, I will simply state the truth that I just don't care enough to do it. I don't even care enough to give it a half assed attempt. With that being said, when something is served raw I take note and appreciate the health aspect, with no work on my part. What's more important to me about these juices is that they are juice with nothing else added to them. There are no sweeteners, no preservatives or GMOs; just fruit and vegetables. I can ask for nothing more. Well okay, I could ask for a lower price point, but that's not going to happen, and I understand that quality comes at a price.

This bottle promises a slew of berries and wheatgrass. It fully delivers (along with some other juices). Even though there are six different types of fruit used in this mixture (apple, pineapple, strawberry, blackberry, raspberry and blueberry), 50% of the flavor in here comes from the wheatgrass, a flavor that I stand behind. The other 50% is an amalgamation of the fruits that leans heavier on the berry side of things, mainly black and blueberries.

It isn't quite at the level of “just juiced” but it is way closer than 99% of the prepackaged juices on the market. It's a beverage you can feel good about drinking and you should drink it often.

I wanted to share this with as many people as I could in the case that it actually tasted like kimchi. Within the last year or two I have really gotten into kimchi from, somehow, never having tried it for thirty years. Now any time it's on the menu I'll try and get it; that is if udon isn't on the menu. There is a restaurant not far from where Jay and I live that has kimchi udon and it is far from terrible. There is a kimchi soup called kimchi jjiGae that just rules. Tofu, pork, kimchi, spice, noodles and rice cakes: the whole thing.

So now you know my recent new love. Big deal, right? Well it's important to have an appreciation for kimchi before you drink this because it tastes just like kimchi. I'm not kidding. It tastes like someone juiced kimchi and added a sprinkle of sugar and carbonated it. It's frighteningly accurate. It's good in that it tastes like what it's supposed to but what it is supposed to taste like is not a carbonated, sweetened drink.

It is what it is but what it is just shouldn't be.

It was nearly a decade ago that an ex of mine said the words that would haunt me to this day, “I wish I could just buy a bottle of cantaloupe juice.” Every since then I can't help but crave a bottle of the best juice melon have to offer. Sure, watermelon is fine, but it's so watery and any attempt to make it otherwise makes it tastes like gross candy. Honeydew is wonderful, and it also eludes me, but it doesn't pack the same punch as a cantaloupe. Why doesn't this exist!?!? Have you ever cut open a cantaloupe? The amount of juice that pours out is ridiculous. It would be so easy for a company to juice them for our pleasure. I've hoped. I've longed. I've dreamed. My prayers have not been answered.

My friend Dave handed me this bottle, and I thought life had changed forever. The flavor said melon, and the picture was clearly of cantaloupe, with no other melons in sight. A quick check on the ingredients had me slightly disappointed, but still with high hopes. This isn't pure cantaloupe; it also has white grape and watermelon juices in the mix. It did clearly state “cantaloupe extracts” in the list though, so at least there was a trace of the real fruit.

One sip, and I knew this was not the beverage I've dreamed of so often on those dark lonely nights, but it also was nothing to pour out. The flavor is definitely the melon I want, but you can also taste watermelon fighting with it. It's a compromise that I am willing to deal with, as I'll take what I can get in this regard. I made it through about half the bottle before I decided that it was a bit too sweet. I still drank the entire thing, and greatly enjoyed it, but I could have done without the added sugar. I'm not a kid anymore and excess amounts of sugar can get me down. Now I will sit here and daydream of a 100% cantaloupe juice, with no added sugar that is readily available in stores.

Over the summer (it seems so long ago) I was leaving to go out of town for a bit, and I had some assorted fruit that needed to be eaten or else it would go bad. A handful of it was in the stages where it would still taste fine, but the texture would be far to soft for me to enjoy properly, so I decided to make a smoothie from it all. I sliced it all up, and through it in a blender with some ice and juice. I had apples, strawberries, and raspberries, even a mango. The thing is that all of those flavors went out the window when I added a handful of cherries to the mix. After that all I could taste in the smoothie was that wonderful red fruit, and you didn't hear a single complain about it.

This juice tastes extremely similar to my concoction. It has a general fruit base, but then you get blasted in the face with a punch of cherries. The only difference is that right underneath the cherry taste in here you get a bit of cranberries. So you get socked in the nose by cherries, the cranberries then slaps you, all followed with some verbal taunts from a general fruit mixture that really could be anything at all and it completely inconsequential. It abuse by fruit, and I would have it no other way. I suppose that makes me a fruit masochist. Lucky for me it's chock full of vitamins and fiber, so I will experience a quick recover before I return for more of a beating.

Marshall, you are a good dude but you've got some faults. You are a great runner but you...well Marshall. I don't know any other way to tell you this, but you stink. I think, and this is coming from love, that the reason that you are winning all these races is because the kids you're racing against are coughing and they aren't hearing the signal to go off. Now, you're not obese but you could stand to lose some weight. Look, like I said, you're doing great. You are a fast runner but I don't know if you're fast because you are actually fast or you are fast because you are stinking all your opponents to high heaven.

I don't know what you eat or drink but I've got a suggestion. Two actually. One is that you take a shower. I can actually see a strand of spaghetti in your hair that has been there for three days at least. You're covered in what I can only assume are ketchup and mustard stains. Maybe you should cut back on the hot dogs, buddy. Since we're talking about cutting things out, a quick way to lose some weight is to cut out some of the pop in your diet. No more of this twenty-ounce pop before each race thing. I'm helping you more than you know. Here, try this. I've been drinking it for a while now and I like it. Sure it's a little "modern diet" because you can taste the Erytritol and Stevia but it's better than your mama's diet cola. It tastes like a pretty regular lemon lime pop which is saying a lot since it's zero calories.

Now look, today and today only. Stink up the joint and bring us to county finals. Then the change begins. Now get out of here before I throw up and if I see that spaghetti in your hair tomorrow you're off the team. You hear me, Marshall, off the team.

Let's see here, we've got Bones, we've got Thugs, but where is Harmony? People we need Harmony here if we're gonna do this reunion at the Grammies! No one is interested in “Bone Thugs” just rapping “Thuggish Ruggish Bone.” We're getting the big bucks to sing “Crossroads,” and we can't do that without Harmony! What do you mean he's moved out to Massachusetts to start a soda pop company? He sent us an assorted case for Xmas with a thoughtful note explaining what has been going on with him and his family? I have no time for frivolous things such as family, and I certainly don't care that the adopted several puppies this year! Fine you got me, I read the dumb note and it left me in tears and how well his family is doing, while we're still here in Cleveland, he's off being fancy in Mass. Give me one of those sodas, oh I don't know how about orange?

Gentlemen I don't think we have anything to worry about. To put it plainly this soda sucks, and there is no way that Harmony is making enough to feed all those damn adorable puppies he's taken in. It's not a high quality soda. Hell it doesn't even live up to the standard of generic store brand orange. There's something off with it, like there's too much sodium benzoate in it that gives it a weird aftertaste that's not the orange flavor you want and expect. There is something about this beverage tastes chemical and off overall. It's just a matter of time before the cost of puppy chow gets to be too much for our old friend and he rejoins us on the stage doing what he does best, harmonizing on the hits.

You wake up in the morning and what is the first thing you crave? Water? Cereal? Juice? Hell, even coffee would be an acceptable answer. If you said a nice tall can of Mountain Dew, or any other soda for that matter, you live a sick sad life. There is really no reason to be drinking pop as soon as you wake up. I see no difference in downing a can and pounding a giant Pixie Stix. I don't care if a percentage of it is juice. That does not make it acceptable. While we're at it, can we acknowledge that 5% juice does not really count as it being juice, 5% is nothing.

Mountain Dew (or Mtn Dew as the can proclaims) may have realized their marketing folly, or perhaps they are just trying to expand their reach, and released two new Kick Start flavors that are meant for nighttime consumption. Now that seems a bit more reasonable (as long as people are planning on staying up awhile after drinking it and not go to bed 30 minutes later. From what I can gather these new sodas are Mountain Dew original with minimal juice mixed in and some electrolytes added “to taste.” Do electrolytes even really have a taste?

This variety certainly does taste like regular ole Mountain Dew with a bit of extra lime in the mix. I find it to be an improvement from the way people expect this beverage to taste. The downfall is that they used sucralose as well as high fructose corn syrup. While I appreciate that they are trying to lower people's sugar intake, the flavor definitely suffers. I didn't notice it at all at first, but the deeper I got into the can the more prevalent the gross diet flavor became. I'm not sure if my taste buds were picking it up more, or if it settles, either way it wasn't good for anyone.

I can tell you that I got this in Canada and I can tell you that Jay and I had a wonderful time eating sandwiches and talking about music and I think we might have seen Cheap Girls with Jay's lady friend but what I couldn't tell you is how long this drink would sit around and not get drank. Did it deserve its purgatory both in a box and on a shelf? No. It should have been drunk sooner because it was rather good. You know, for all intents and purposes, porpoises (?), no, it's purposes, it's just a fruit punch.

No one ever defined what fruit had to be in a fruit punch but here in America, we have really been, figuratively speaking I hope, crapping the bed. Yeah, you've got some cherries and some grapes. Maybe even a crossover blueberry and/or pear. What you don't have is pomegranate and why not? Sure they're a little expensive but there are so many little bits of joy in there that one could go a long way. This drink tastes like a pretty honest and good blend of both blueberry and pomegranate, which doesn't happen too often, but when you don't have sugar, real or fake, mucking up the mix, you can actually taste ingredients. Novel idea, eh? The "eh" was an homage to Canada who produced this drink and allowed my to have an internationally good time with Jay, my dogg.

This bottle explains that Hubert Hansen would drive around the studio lots of Hollywood selling his tasty lemonade to anyone who would pay the price. It leads us to believe that many a rising star refreshed themselves with his tart beverages. What the bottle doesn't tell you is all the lemon related pranks that he also pulled on those lots. He would swap out actor's waters with highly concentrated lemon juice just for a laugh at their pinched in cheeks. He would rub lemon juice on the eyepieces of all the cameras and then squeal with glee as the operators screamed from the burning. He even shoved a lemon into the tailpipe of a producer's car that had made a rude comment about Hubert's beverages. A young writer witnessed this prank and went on to add it into a script he was writing called Beverly Hills Cop.

It was through a retaliation of one of these pranks that this blackberry lemonade was born. The producer who's car had been lemoned the previous week decided to switch out Hubert's batch on lemonade with old laundry water. The problem was that he had nowhere to just dump out the lemonade without it being obvious that something was amiss, so he poured it into a tub that was a prop in one of the movies and then filled the lemonade jugs with gross gray water. The result of this rebuttal prank was that producer received a black eye, care of Hubert's left fist and when he revealed where he had put the lemonade it turns out that it had been mixed in with some blackberry jam that was being used as war paint in some John Wayne movie. The mixture was delicious and it caused the Hubert's line to expand into flavored lemonade. It remained tart and wonderful, but with a healthy dose of blackberry flavor. Is there anything that fruit can't do? It tastes authentic and natural, as if someone just squeezed the hell out of some lemons and mashed up a whole mess of berries and then mixed them together with a bit of cane sugar. To think this was all because Alfred Hitchcock didn't know when to keep his mouth shut.

Part of a good, quality cream soda is that it's smooth. It should taste like I'm drinking vanilla ice cream, right? Well this drink tastes like someone forgot to put ice cream in and put sparkling non-alcoholic champagne in instead. I mentioned to this to Jay and he told me that it's a shame because the blueberry birch beer was "sensational." This is much less than that. This is disappointing because I really want to sit and mellow out with a mellowed out pop but I got something I feel like I've got to quickly come with something to celebrate about in order to drink. This is nothing to celebrate about.

Life has been hectic lately; your job has been crazy and you're boss has been on you all week about the Johnson report, the snow melted and flooded your basement, and on top of that you're kid has been acting like a real jerk. You my friend need to stop and smell the proverbial roses. Actually, why don't you take that a step further and drink those self same botanicals. Blossom Water makes it easy for you with their lemon rose water.

I've been putting off drinking this for a few weeks, because my head was filled with thoughts of old lady perfume, and I certainly don't want that in my mouth. I finally sucked it up today, quite literally. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that while this did not taste like formal date night at the local seniors home, it did taste exactly how a rose smells. I've never actually tasted a rose before, but no one can argue that they do not have a very distinct smell. This beverage is that smell distilled.

It's strange that this smells more of lemon than any sort of flower, but the taste is all rose, with a little bit of erythritol to sweeten it up. The lemon is completely overshadowed by the creepily accurate (at least I assume) rose flavor. The first couple of sips leave you feeling like there is no way you could drink an entire bottle, even though the taste is surprisingly pleasant. I thought that maybe I'd get through a third of the bottle, but now that I'm there I've become acclimated to it, and I just want to keep going. There is something with these Blossom Water drinks that is right on the money, and I hope their empire grows and grows.

It's not very often that you come across apple flavored soda. I don't know why that is, but it's a fact of life in the northeast. When one does pop up, it either tastes like garbage fake sour green apple, or it tastes as this can does. It's a flavor that kind of, sort of tastes like a real apple, even though apple is not one of the items listed in the ingredients. It's not quite exactly apple, but anyone who has had an apple before could place that flavor in a blind taste test. The apple it tastes like is of some variety of red apple. When making soda, stay away from the green apples, even though they are superior in their natural form. It's also very sweet, so much in fact that I could not finish this can, even though I enjoyed the soda it contains.

I live in a part of the country where apples are all over the place, and yet I have to turn to Ecuador in order to get an apple flavored soda. Something is very wrong with that. I demand a local company start making an apple soda, using real apples. Better yet, make an apple cider soda. Oh man, that would be just what I need to keep on keeping on.

It's not terrible to be in the middle. For the most part, if you are in the middle you are either content with skimming by or you like to stay hidden. That or the whole "glass ceiling" thing. You'll break it one day, friend. As soon as they understand that great idea of yours isn't as crazy as they once thought.

Speaking of the middle, no not the overplayed Jimmy Eat World song, but this drink. It is in the middle between a crappy orange juice and "orange drink" which is inherently crappy. I don't know where the "ade" comes from but I wish someone had helped "aid" this company in the flavoring of this drink. Yes, I know. Pun humor. If any drink dictates it, this one does. It's not bad, but it just tastes like it could either be better or worse and that in itself is its punishment.

Middle finger? Too strong for this drink. It just tastes a little diet, all fake, and like you thought, "Hey. Orange is orange." and mixed orange drinks together and called it a day and hoped your daddy wouldn't notice you drank most of his orange juice. Oh he'll know and you'll be in trouble. It's just orange juice though so he won't be mad for long. Just go outside and shovel or mow the lawn or something.

What a misleading bottle. When I came across this in a gas station in Ann Arbor, MI I thought that it was some kind of weird functional weight loss beverage. It has that certain look about it that I associate with such drinks. The fact that it says “Natural Metabolism Booster” fairly large at the top and “A Wellness Drink” at the bottom only solidified my thoughts. The thing about solids is that sometimes they melt. There is nothing fancy about this drink at all. It's not a cure all, a meal supplement, nor will it cure baldness. What is contained in this bottle is simply a cane sugar sweetened green tea with honey and ginseng in it.

When you break it down, there is not much difference between this and an Arizona's green tea, with the exception of a better sweetener and probably higher quality versions of the ingredients. It tastes like a fairly sweet green tea with honey and ginseng, which is exactly what it is. I don't know why they went over the top with the packaging. If I didn't need to review this for Thirsty Dudes, I would have passed right over it, which would have been a shame, because it has a nice taste to it that I thoroughly enjoy.

If someone were to tell me five years ago that I was going to be drinking corn I would have said, “Well, that's weird, but okay whatever.” I was, and am, very apathetic. While I may not have been freaked out by the idea, this is not what I would have expected. My mind instantly goes to a nice buttery, salty ear of yellow corn. This on the other hand is made from purple maize, which is another beast entirely. It tastes nothing like the summer treat that most Americans are used to. I don't even know how to describe the taste, but it's apparently rich in antioxidants.

You take that purple maize and mix it in with some pineapple, lemon, cinnamon and cloves and you have Chica Limena, a traditional drink from Peru. When I opened this up I had no idea what I was in for. It's such an interesting collection of ingredients, which all can be overpowering in beverages, but they all blend together nicely. This is one of those drinks that you can make out each specific flavor in the taste if you concentrate. You can even taste the sugar cane. It's the spices that initially have me concerned, but they stay mostly in the background, sticking their heads up a little bit more in the aftertaste.

I have to say that I'm not really sure what I think about this. I keep going back to it, and the can is nearly empty, but I don't know if I can really say I enjoy it. With each sip I keep waiting for the pineapple flavor to get stronger, but it never does. I can't really hold that against them though, as it's not marketed as a pineapple drink, it's a maize drink and they do well enough with that.

Mountain Dew? For breakfast? That's right, friends. Now, you no longer just need to write code or play Halo until the wee hours of the night to earn the right to drink it. Now, housewives, chefs, music teachers, and X-ray technicians can wake up, do the stretch, and just start chugging. Best of all is that it almost doesn't taste like Mountain Dew. It tastes like a black cherry pop with some black cherry juice mixed with some Mountain Dew. Just some Mountain Dew, not all Mountain Dew. It's the better parts of Mountain Dew but it's cut off before it gets carried away.

Look, now that everyone can drink it, you'd better get it because before you know it, librarians, film historians, garbage men, lemonade repair man, ham analyst, foot doctors, and kneecap surgeons are going to be buying it all up. Get in your car now if you think that a black cherry Mountain Dew sounds good.

You've had a long day. Work was rough. Well it wasn't rough in the sense that you did something wrong and were scolded, it was just a long day and you worked hard. You accomplished a lot, so you feel good about it, but you're just beat. How about you plop down in your nice recliner, let your cat and/or dog curl up with you, grab that book you've been meaning to read (I've seen you eyeing up that Morrissey autobiography) and just relax.

I have a tea that would go perfectly with what you're about to do. It's a chamomile tea with vanilla and bergamot in it. Of course you have no idea what bergamot is, neither did I, so don't feel bad. Not knowing makes this drink a little weird, as there is a strong flavor that you just can't place. That flavor is orange skin aka bergamot. It's used in Earl Grey tea. As soon as I discovered what it was the weird flavor made sense and it made the drink all the more enjoyable. It's like someone made some nice vanilla chamomile tea and let some orange rinds soak in it for a bit. I don't know why someone would do such a think, but it makes for an interesting drink. I have to admit that I prefer that the strength of the rinds and the vanilla were switched, as I would love for this to have strong vanilla flavor, but of well.

Take some sips off of this bottle of tea as you read a few dozen pages of Oscar Wilde Jr's life. Before you know it you will be so relaxed that you will drift off to sleep until your phone alarm wakes you up at 6am and it's time to put in the real work once again.

Scientist Douglas Avery does not believe that the recent zombie attacks necessarily mean the end of human life as we know it. He believes that the world can not only survive, but also continue to thrive. The man with the beakers insists that the answer is simply to create a product that will trigger the neurotransmitters (yeah they still have those working…€¦weird I know) into thinking that they have just consumed human brains. Once that has happened they will become docile for a period of time, in a state of junked out bliss. You see way brains affect the walking corpses of the world is very similar to how a mixture of heroin and PCP affect humans. They need it, and they need it now, but once they get their fix they are content for hours.

Through his endless research Avery has created a compound that proves his claims. He calls it Zombie Brain Juice, or as it's more commonly referred ZBJ. Originally he had intended to create an aerosol spray to administer the “medicine” to the zombies, but the effects just did not last as long as they needed to. Injections were clearly not an option because of the danger to those providing the shots. The solution was to leave cases of ZBJ littered around cities. For some reason the dead who still shuffle still love the idea of soda pop. I mean who doesn't, but it's still weird to see them twist off a cap. They can't open doors, yet they remember how to open a bottle of soda. That's muscle memory for you.

The idea of ZBJ has become such a hit that Avery Laboratories has even created a version that is safe for human consumption. It's pretty much just a normal orange soda with a little bit of artificial strawberry flavoring in it to give it a little zazz. It's all the rage with the kids, and it comes with one of the best images on a soda label that I have ever seen. Science it great and it has once again paved the way for our salvation.