Energy Drink - 555 Reviews

As the herd of horses circled Hans, he was a bit worried. He had just knocked over eleven motorcycles like dominoes like in Pee Wee's Big Adventure at a local bar. He was reading a map and walking backwards, a poor combination, and bumped into a bike ever so gently. Knocked them all down, one after another. It all happened in slow motion. All of the bikers came out of the bar because they knew what had happened. They saw Hans standing there, shoulders shrugged, knowing that he was the cause of the mess, and came towards him. He jumped in an old Volkswagon Beetle that a young woman had left the keys in and sped down the street.

After about five minutes, Hans looked back, stopped the car, got out and looked for a phone to call someone. He walked towards a phone, picked it up and didn't hear a dial tone. He looked down and the wire had been cut. Just as he hung up the phone, he heard the galloping of what sounded like a hundred hooves. He turned around and there were a dozen guys on horses staring him down. They had found him. He was in trouble. They all came towards him slowly, yelling in Portuguese, which he couldn't understand because he was born and raised in Boise, Idaho. In high school he only had his option between French and Spanish.

With his back up against a wall, he looked around for some sort of out. He didn't see one until he looked in the Beetle and saw a sparkle in the cup holder. He ran to the car and took out a can of Gazzu. He saw that it was an energy drink and that's exactly what he needed at this point. He opened it up and drank half the can. Feeling the effects kick in immediately, he just started to run. In his head, he thought that he would get some sort of super strength and "Red Rover" through the line of impenetrable muscle.

As he ran towards them, he took a few more sips to ensure a break of the chain of strength. It was for naught as when he ran square into the largest man, he simply fell on the ground and saw stars. The men dragged him by his collar back to the bar. He sipped the Gazzu in hopes that he would muster up enough strength to break free. Now that he had the time to taste the drink, he noticed that it was incredibly sweet. It did taste like a majorly carbonated orange juice with candy in it. He liked the taste and drank the rest of the can before he got back to the scene of the crime.

The men told him to pick up each of the bikes and they said they didn't mind because all of their bikes were pretty beat up. The Gazzu gave Hans the energy he needed to lift all the bikes and put them back how he found them. Then the men invited him into the bar to buy him a drink. They weren't mad that he knocked down the bikes, they were mad he was a coward and ran. He learned that day that he would stand up for himself. Just then, a large woman kicked in the door to the bar and asked to see the man that stole her Beetle. Hans ran out the back door and was never seen in that part of town again.

We need to come up with a new drink that the kids will love. Energy drinks seem to be all the rage lately, so lets make one of those. We need a good tag line too. Awesome energy? Nah. Radical energy? Nope, too 90's. I know, Extreme Energy! Kids these days love extreme sports so they have to love extreme energy. Now what flavors do we have to choose from? All we have is that gross raspberry one? Crap, even my dog doesn't like that. Hmmm, we'll have to think of a good nickname for the flavor so maybe they won't realize how bad it is. I know! Enraged Raspberry. And let's throw some Blue #1 in there to make it a cool blue color. Hmm, you're right that does kind of make it look like carbonated windshield washer fluid. Oh well, they won't notice because it will be in a can. Consumers are ignorant sheep anyways, we tell them what to buy and they do it. We could probably get away with selling actual windshield washer fluid as a drink just by labeling it "the most extreme drink you've ever tasted."

14-year olds of both sexes are piling into the store to behold the Sex Soda. The boys stereotypically make rude comments that only their testosterone filled friends can hear, while the girls just giggle uncontrollably. Children can be so immature. Oh wait, when Neuland and I came across this in the store we laughed hysterically. Our reaction was actually closer to that of the female youngsters, but come on this is hysterical. Sex Soda? Seriously? I think the funniest part about it is that we didn't come across it in Spenser Gifts, but rather we found it at a reputable candy/soda store. Sure it was up high on a shelf off to the side, but there it was and there we laughed. I'm halfway through this bottle and I'm still chuckling. The label has silhouettes of a couple in various “erotic” positions. The whole thing just looks like it should be some sort of joke, but I'm pretty sure this company is completely serious, which only makes it even funnier. I believe the company is serious because it actually tastes good. It has that herbal soda taste blended perfectly with a decent natural cola flavor. It's that cola flavor that's not quite something crazily micro brewed, but also a far distance from your everyday Coke or Pepsi. I really think the herbal flavor mixes in perfectly with the cola. Like many times in the past I find myself wishing that this were just a normal soda and not one with specialized effects. I just want to drink something for its taste and not for it being “boner juice,” which it's not for the record. It's my opinion that they are claiming that it's an aphrodisiac is because ginseng and ginkgo biloba so that it just keeps you awake so you can “put in the real work.” I'm also 99.9% sure that horny goat weed is in this solely due to it's name. Oh well, I'll probably be awake until 5am again tonight, due to this. It's always great to notice things like “contains two servings” after you've polished off the bottle. Now I shall continue with my giggling for a few more minutes and watch some dumb movie on Netflix streaming. The quality of movies that I watch has gone completely downhill since it's become a part of my life.

On the molten surface of the sun there lives two lizards. They go by the names Mac and Gertrude, but names are meaningless in a story such as this. You see it is the strife between these two lizards that causes all of the planets in the solar system to revolve around the sun. There is a weird polar magnetism at work. For some unknown reason one of the lizards sweats mango, and the other melon. Gertrude (okay the names do make it easier) excretes the essence of melon and Mac wants so very badly to mix his mango with her. He's been chasing her around the surface of the sun for millennia, but he never seems to catch her. It's the chase that causes the magnetism. Scientists and astrologers have known it for centuries, but they thought it was just too weird for the general public to accept. A philosopher who is also a higher up at the Sobe corporation found out about the lizards and pondered it for some time. He then invented a drink to represent the struggle of the sun lizard. He made a melon heavy drink that had traces of mango in it's after taste. It was bold and sweet and everything wonderful. He used a mixture of cantaloupe and honeydew for his melon base and it turned out absolutely perfect. It actually tasted like a fruit punch that was very heavy on the melon. That mango just slipped in there at the end. Like Mac it is always chasing the melonous wonder of Gertrude, but it never quite catches up to over take the flavor. To represent their environment he made the drink bright orange like the fires of the sun. That philosopher should be made president of the company because he invented the finest flavor Sobe has ever produced and it was all due to a pair of lizards millions of miles away.

When I got this pouch, I figured it was an all in one drink mix so I filled up my water bottle, poured this in, and mixed it around a little. Then I took a sip and couldn't believe how bad it tasted. It didn't taste like much, but it tasted like bad water. Then it hit me: you're supposed to add this to an already flavored drink. I'm an idiot.

So basically, this is to give your drink a kick of energy (hence the name of the company). Speaking of the name of this company, they might want to consider changing it since people might mispronounce it as a racial slur.

This is a weird sub-section of drinks, because it's impossible to fairly judge it on it's taste because it's not meant to be consumed on it's own. As far as function goes, it's great! I was feeling sleepy and now I'm totally awake after drinking half of it.

I've been craving candy lately. Sweet Tarts, Twizzlers, and Spree are usually my go-to candy. The problem is that the corner store by my house has all their candy behind the counter due to hooligans stealing it. I'm pretty comfortable with watching cartoons and drinking an obscene amount of soda at the age of 30, but for some reason I can't bring myself to ask the man behind the counter for a bag of Skittles.

But that's okay because thanks to energy drinks, I get my candy fix every once in a while because 99% of them are melted candy in a can. This one is Sweet Tarts, and it's great! It's got a bit of a gnarly diet aftertaste, but it's not as bad as most diet energy drinks.

I do not want this. No, really I do not want to drink this. I've somehow gained a crazy sensitivity to caffeine and the like. It's gotten so bad that if I drink an energy drink after 3PM I won't fall asleep until at least 4am. The other day I drank a regular old Coke at midnight and was up until 5am. I don't know what has happened, but I hate every second of it. I like sleep. It's where I'm a Viking. I don't want to limit my Viking time. It's now 10:30am and I'm about to go out for a day of hiking. Here I sit waiting to get picked up, and I decided I should drink an energy drink to help push me through the hike. Ugh all I have left is the dreaded Redline. It's dreaded because Neuland, who drinks energy drinks by the gallon, said it was the most intense energy drink he's ever had. Ugh. I bet If I drink this now I won't sleep until 48 hours from now.

Weird, this doesn't taste like an energy drink. It tastes like some low-grade juice you would get out of a crappy roadside vending machine, but not as thick. It's supposed to be peach mango, and I get that in the aftertaste, but while it's in your mouth it's just nondescript juice. I guess that's better than energy drink garbage. It's also clear and non-carbonated.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's now 9:15PM and I just got home. I'm still very hyper from this drink. Not crazy hyper, but I definitely notice it. It was probably a terrible idea for me to drink this and then drive a lengthy distance, because I am a terrible driver to begin with, and this just made me crazier. To sum this up, it tasted better than most energy shots, and it certainly works on the energy front.

Ma'am, what do you think you're doing? Yes you ma'am. What are you trying to hide ma'am? I know for a fact that you are not really a hula dancer. You see, I went to Hawaii on vacation once, and I saw a whole slew of hula dancers and not to be rude, but they were a thick lot. It was a great show, and I had no complaints, but I did learn a thing or two about the art of hula. I'd even go as far as to say that show made me an expert. You ma'am look like a starving child, you are certainly no hula dancer. So what's the deal? Are you a spy? Don't make me call the police on you. I learned form billboards that if I see something I should say something, and I'm pretty sure this constitutes something. Oh you're doing promotion for a line of all natural energy sodas? Well if they really were all natural I think they really should have gotten an actual hula dancer, and not some random in a skirt and a lei. If you are who you say you are you better give me one of them there sodas, so I know they aren't a bomb or poison.

This smells decent. Nothing like any other energy drinks that I've had before. Oh wow it doesn't taste like an energy drink at all either. It has an almost herbal flavor to it, with a bit of light fruit flavoring as well. If the label in any indicator it's a mixture of pineapple and lime. It's pleasant. It also has a very clean taste to it, which I feel is a strange thing to say about a drink, but that's the way I feel, so I'm going to say it. Who are you to judge, you're posing as a hula girl for minimum wage. I actually like this a lot. I would definitely buy this over that artificial garbage I see in all the gas stations. Where can I buy this around Denali, Alaska? Nowhere? Well you're certainly of no help to me. Why don't you go off and finish your life as a faker!

All energy shots are basically everything in a large can or energy drink condensed into a little bottle. It's to be expected that the flavor is going to be very strong and not too pleasant. If you take three of those little bottles and boil them down and make one bottle out of the trio you get one of these. When it's in your mouth it just tastes like an extremely concentrated strong grape flavor, but the instant you breathe in the most intense chemical energy drink taste I've ever experienced. It's not very good, but that is not the point with energy shots. No one buys something like this for a nice tasty treat. The point of them is for strong, lasting energy and when it comes to that this shot certainly pulls through.

I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. Some do it for spiritual guidance. I do it for profit and energy. You see, what most snake handlers don't know is that if you take the venom of specific breeds of snakes and mix them with the proper ingredients they make one heck of an energy drink. Recently I've been into the sweet juice produced by the taipan. A lot of people have compared the taste of it to mangos, but I really think it has a bit of a pineapple zest to it. I see the mango there too, but if anything it's a hybrid of the two. After I mix it together with my other ingredients it tastes like someone mixed a cheap pineapple soda with some mango juice. It's fairly tasty and the energy boost it gives you is decent enough.
So anyways, every couple of months or so I hop on a plane over to Australia, wrangle up a whole mess of the small slithery creeps and extract away. When I have it all ready I fill up a bunch of vials and umm..hide them on my person. Customs doesn't take to kindly to people smuggling snake venom over international borders. It's an uncomfortable 20-hour flight, but as I said I'm hooked on the snake juice. Sure it's a hard life, but the end results are worth it. You should see my arms. They are more scarred up than a 15 year-old art student who only listens to what Robert Smiths tells them to do. It's not a pretty sight.

Welcome to gym class weaklings! You're in high school now and that means you're in the big leagues, and no we will not be chewing shredded bubble gum. If I even think one of you has a wad of chewing stuff in their mouth it's five laps of the track for all of you! As I was saying you're in the big leagues now and you're going to work like dogs. Say so long to the world of badminton and square dancing and say hello to the burnt hands of the rope climb and the slashed shins of floor hockey. For those of you wimps who have doctors notes to excuse you from my class, you will be sitting on the bleachers writing me a five-page paper each class on how you could only wish in your deepest dreams that you could ring the bell at the time of the rope. While you are doing this you will also be sipping from childish milk cartons filled with childish fruit punch. The rest of us will spend seven minutes at the beginning of each class laughing at you while we crush bottles of big boy drinks. That's right gentleman, at the beginning of every class it is mandatory for each of you to drink a bottle of Sobe Energy. We've got an assortment of flavors but the Power Fruit Punch is what I assume most of you will choose, since you are just little boys posing as grown men. It is full of aronia and grape juice according to the label. I always thought it was blueberries and cranberries from the picture, but what do I know about fruits, I'm no fruitologist. Actually now that I know I was wrong about the fruits contained with in the flavor makes more sense. It's has a grape flavor if grapes were from some tropical region. Does that make sense? It doesn't? Well it looks like you just bought yourself 50 pushups Mr. Smartypants. Whatever it tastes like, it's tasty and you should feel proud to be able to down it. It's got taurine, caffeine and guarana in it, so it will give you a nice energy boost for class, as well as the rest of the school day. I don't want to hear anything about sensitivity to caffeine or heart problems. You will drink it and you will like it. Now, BOMBARDMENT!

Things are strange when you get a “diet” version of a drink that doesn't taste all too different from the original, and that certainly doesn't taste diet. This says it's lo-cal, the strange this is there isn't a no calorie sweetener in it. It still has evaporated cane juice in it. I'm assuming it's just a lower quantity of it. The drink does taste a lighter than the original, but I think it actually makes it more enjoyable. Acai can be one intense fruit, and here it's mellowed out. Natural energy that tastes decent. Well done Sambazon.

For a few years I thought of how great it would be if someone would market cereal milk. All different kinds, but particularly Fruity Pebbles and Golden Grams. There is nothing better than that flavor infused cream after you've finished the "solids" portion of your two course breakfast cereal. It's like drinking the bathwater of the gods and sometimes, before moving onto that final stage, I refresh the first, making the inevitable payload that much more savory. It's a harrowing exercise of will power to be certain but like any work-out or period of time without smoking cigarettes, it's more than worth it once you cross that finish line. It is, essentially, the bathwater of TWO gods now. Perhaps they bathed together. Maybe there was just a water shortage and they needed to conserve so as long as the temperature remained comfortable they just wouldn't drain it in-between baths. There is no limit to their hygienic routines as long as your imagination is healthy.

What I'm saying is, though this might sound like a good idea to some (or no one after that unfortunate analogy), I have found upon drinking HYPER MALT ENERGY DRINK that cereal milk is only delicious because the person drinking it worked so hard to make it. This energy drink tastes like someone took a bowl of apple juice, emptied the contents of a box of Wheaties into it, let it sit in the sun for a few days, took it back inside, gagged heartily, then ran the fluid through a colander into a bottle which went directly into my mouth. I don't see cereal milk being a big hit for anyone looking to be refreshed, and I don't see HYPER MALT ENERGY DRINK being a big hit for anyone looking to be energized. Unless of course you only need the energy required to hurriedly rush to the bathroom to spit it out before going back to watching Maury Povich like I did this morning. But at least it saved me the tens of thousands of dollars I was going to invest in my new milk company.

---

When I asked Keith to rate the drink he said "0 of 5. No wait, NEGATIVE 0 of 5." Our scale only goes to "1" but keep in mind that if it was possible, it would be below that.

I found this on tour and was pretty excited to find it. Caffeine in root beer is a very rare thing. Of the 130+ root beers we have reviewed so far, only three have contained caffeine (Skeleteens Jack Black's Dead Red Root Beer, Barq's, and Bawl's G33K Beer). This bottle I have in my hand brings us to number 4. With all the added energy ingredients in this, I was fearing that it would taste more like a gross energy drink with artificial root beer flavor sprinkled in. To my surprise, it was actually really good! It has a very classic root beer taste, with a medium bite to it. If I had not seen the label, I would have never known this was also an energy drink.

I see that Eric's Famous also makes a cola. Hopefully we'll be able to find that one soon, and hopefully it's as good as this.

The journey has been long and hard. I've come so far that I never thought it would end like this. Here I sit bleeding out after some lame ogres performed a sneak attack on me. I can't believe I didn't see those big lunks coming. Seriously they are about as graceful as drunken elephants, yet they got the drop on me. I had so much gold that I could hardly carry it. Also, my weapons were at their highest level. Now it's all gone. I am going to die with nothing but the clothes on my back…€¦wait a minute! I totally forgot that I had stashed a vile of the essence of Mana in my boot. I took it out of my satchel because I was afraid my abundance of gold would crush it. I really thought I was going to need this when I fought the dark wizard, but if I don't drink it now I'm never going to make it to her lair anyways. Bottoms up. Oh my god this is horrible. I think perchance the keeper of the inn I stayed at a few nights ago switched out my Mana for some tropical flavored floor cleaner. The taste is something I would associate with a fluid that would burn on the way down, yet it is smooth. Smooth and horribly gross. It looks like I am going to die after all, and now with the taste of foolishness in my mouth. What's this? I can feel something surging in me. My wound seems to be healing and my strength is returning. Mana may taste like garbage, but it sure is doing its job correctly. I feel better than I have in years. The energy coursing through my veins is unstoppable. Now I'm off to find those ogres and crush some skulls to get my gear and riches back.

You're fading fast. You've had a long day at the office. You know, "the grind", and it's time you let loose. Take that tie off and put it around your head because nothing says "loose" like a tie on your head. Your boss rides you really hard but he's not here. You just relax; there aren't any co-workers in here. Go crazy. Stay out past ten. Drink some of that great looking grape punch. Gah! What happened to the punch?! Did someone spike the punch? What is this, a John Hughes film? Spiking the punch. Really? What did they spike it with? Did they spike it with an energy drink and some sort of liquor? What's happening?

Are you feeling alright? You're feeling energized? That's awesome. You've feeling like you've been alcoholized? Well that's not what you want. You wanted to have a good time and now look at you. You're in rougher shape than before you came to this non-work related party. You don't even drink and now you're a wreck. You've got to get to the bottom of this. "Who did this?" you ask, "Who dumped this stuff in the juice? My first glass was great and then subsequent glasses were less than great. Who's the wise guy?" Less than ten seconds later a kid said that he poured some Monster in there because he wanted to pump the party up. He was bored and now you're suffering the consequences. Thanks kid.

Feeling sluggish? - Zompo!

Enjoy sparkling fruit juice - Zompo!

Like fake ethnic drinks? - Zompo!

Know the molecular makeup of hotdogs? - Zompo!

Get Zompofied people!

I think this may have been created as a prop for Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo. The label just screams 80's break-dancing and graffiti. Maybe Zompo was a character in the movie, but his appearance was left on the cutting room floor in order to give the film a shorter running time. I bet Zompo could do some sick freezes.

Less about the fictional character Zompo and more about Zompo the soda. I was shocked to see that this actually has strawberry and raspberry juice in it (albeit in concentrate form). It's rare that either of those fruit juices appear in soda. Normally when it's supposed to be one of those flavors it's all artificial flavoring and ends up not tasting like the fruit at all. This on the other hand definitely tastes like juice, juice laced with ginseng. Oh ginseng our dirty, dirty friend. YOU can always be spotted in drinks with your weird root/dirt flavor.

There are two misleading things on the label.
1. It's says it's an Italian style smoothie. There is nothing about this drink that would qualify it as a smoothie. It's a soda pop, or possibly a sparkling juice. It just doesn't have the consistency of a smoothie. Oh man, think of a nice thick smoothie that was carbonated. That would just be terrible. I mean I would of course drink it, but I would be weirded/grossed out the whole time.

2. The flavor is Wild Berries & Cream. That would lead one to believe that this was some sort of cream soda. One would be mistaken. There is no vanilla flavor, nor is there any creaminess to the texture of this drink. As I said before it tastes like carbonated berry juice with some ginseng thrown in the mix. Speaking of which, it's kind of odd that they chose to add ginseng, ginko biloba, guarana and caffeine to this. I think it makes it an unnecessary energy drink. Oh well, at least it's a natural energy drink and not filled with man-made chemicals.

Rain? Again? Drats. I've got so much gardening to do. What do you think, pup? What do we do? Sit inside and play video games? Pup, I'm not twelve anymore. I've got responsibilities and that rhubarb isn't going to make a pie out of itself. First thing's first, you've got to get a fresh bowl of water and some food. I've got to tell you, your food smells terrible. I suppose that your breath is the product of your food. Problem solved. I've got to wake up a little bit. Hey, do you know if your mom drank that...oh no. Here it is. Good. Archer Farms, pup, I don't know. I'm fifty-fifty on this stuff. It's half good and half real bad. I don't know what to expect but it says "coffee energy" so I'm going to take it at face value.

Hmm. That's not bad. It is way more mocha than coffee. Not much coffee at all. It's smooth, though, and that's nice. I hope this give me the pep to just bear the elements and take care of the garden. I'm telling you, pup. You take one day off and your garden looks like a pile of garbage. This drink is all right. It's not bad. It might be too sweet since it's closer to chocolate milk than coffee. I don't typically drink chocolate milk at eight in the morning so this is the start to a very strange day.

You know what, pup. You and I are going to see if this rain is going to subside. I don't want to have to towel you off because, let's face it, you're going to get muddy because you're short and you always get muddy. You also hate your little beans to be cleaned for some reason so let's sit in here for a bit, not brush our teeth, and catch up where we left off in Sonic 3. I'm stuck at that part where you've got super sonic and then you have to ride that dumb cart across the water, Knuckles punches you, and by the time you get to Dr. Robotnik, you have no rings. I hate it. Every time, pup, every time.

It's only fitting that I write this while listening to a classic metal band. I chose Iron Maiden's album "Piece of Mind" as the soundtrack for this behemoth of an energy drink. Sure it doesn't look that big in that picture, but check out what it looks like next to 12 and 16 oz cans: http://instagr.am/p/geEO7/.

I can easily say this is the biggest energy drink I've ever seen. Even the snapping sound it let off when I opened the can was a little intimating. Despite the similar appearance, this isn't just a repackaging of the original Monster flavor, which is good. It tastes similar to it, but is much lighter ironically. I would probably drink this every once in a while if it weren't for the can. The size of the can is very impractical to drink, unless you just want a workout. Or perhaps as a joke gift. I wonder how many of these will make an appearance at Maryland Deathfest this year.

Water is great. It's super refreshing and I drink it all the time unlike some people I know. A lot of people hate that water tastes like nothing, so that's where companies like MiO come in. The tag line on this little bottle says it all, it's a "liquid water enhancer". Unlike other varieties of MiO, this also has caffeine in it so it turns your water into delicious energy water.

Let's be honest, most energy drinks are gross. Sure we have found a few that are good, but for the most part they are vile things in a can. Most are also carbonated, and I'm not always in the mood for a carbonated drink. As far as energy drinks go, this is one of the best I've ever had. The black cherry taste is delicious and sweet. I know they recommend only using one squirt per 8 oz glass but I put a little extra in because I really like the strong cherry taste.

Now I don't recommend this to other people, but in the name of science I squeezed some of this straight into my mouth. It was INTENSE! It is concentrated for a reason, because drinking it straight is like taking a shot of liquid caffeine. It instantly woke me up. I'm really glad Kraft sent these to us to sample because I never knew a delicious energy drink could come in such a small bottle.