Energy Drink - 555 Reviews

Well this isn't good. I do enjoy a nice coffee drink, not to be confused with actual coffee, which I can't stand. Strange right? Welp, what are you going to do? This is very vanilla and, as reported by two separate colleagues, metallic tasting, which is not a strong selling feature unless you are advertising to sell to a tired goat. As for the energy, I don't get any "energy drink" taste. Mostly it just tastes like the vanilla and milk. I also did not get much coffee, which I was hoping for.

I will say that if we were playing darts, you know, Target CEO Gregg W. Steinhafel and I, I would think they were hitting a ton of low, non-counting numbers like three, or eight, because this drink missed the mark. It's missing what I wanted and expected. Now, Gregg might be a fantastic dartsman, but in the game where I asked him to play like this drink was playing, I beat him and looked great doing it. I didn't rub his face in it and I bought him a root beer for being a good sport.

I'm Ron and I work at the Large Hadron Collider. Well, that should be the past tense actually. I USED to work there. Why don't I work there anymore you ask? Well I have that sweet and delicious Neutron Energy drink to blame.

You see, we weren't allowed to go out much. Long hours, 80+ hours a week. It was rough. Anyways, to keep us alert they put in an energy drink vending machine. Sure it had the standard Amp, Red Bull, Rockstar, etc... The bosses thought they were so clever when they found this Neutron Energy drink and put it in there. My favorite was the citrus. It has a really delicious orange taste to it, almost a tangerine if you will. I'm getting off topic, sorry.

So one day I'm checking the gauges to make sure everything is running smoothly. I was in the middle of a 16-hour shift so I started to doze a little while I was standing up. Olaf saw this and asked if I wanted an energy drink. After accepting his offer, he throws it to me from 30 feet away. Now on a good day, I can catch a fly ball in right field. Unfortunately this was not a good day due to my lack of sleep. My attempts to catch it only made its trajectory worse. Looking back, I should have just stepped out of the way. If I had done that, the can wouldn't have ended up in the air intake valve causing a 15-hour shut down.

I tried to blame Olaf, but the security video just shows me knocking a can into the multi-billion dollar machine. I'm actually lucky I only got fired. They probably could have sued me. You know what the best part is? The engineer who fixed it is a friend of mine gave me the can. It's pretty badly mangled, but I have it on my mantle now. It reminds me of a better time, a time when I wasn't bagging groceries at Safeway.

File this under the list of drinks that kids love to buy just because of the name. See also Fukola, Cocaine and Not See Kola. I'm sure this drink is "banned" from high schools all over the country. I don't think it should be banned because of the name, but the taste. I really liked the original version of this, but this sugar free variety is gross. I have been drinking a lot of diet drinks lately, and this is one of the worst I've had in a while.

When I was working at Fun Fun Fun Fest, someone came up to me and asked if I wanted a B12 shot. I said sure and followed them to the production trailer. When we got inside, I saw a doctor pulling needles out of a bag. When they said B12 shot, I thought they meant a drink like this. I hate needles so I opted out and went back to work.

Going in, I wasn't crazy about this flavor. I love pomegranate but HATE acai with a passion. I think it's one of the grossest tastes ever. That being said, this isn't as bad as I feared. It still has that gross flavor, but the pomegranate helps. It's not the most intense energy shot I've ever had, but that's probably because it's meant to be a vitamin shot, and the energy is just a secondary feature.

I can safely say this is the first energy drink from Austria I've ever had. My friend Rita brought it back from her travels and gifted it to me. I could tell before I even opened it that it was going to be a Red Bull clone. Was I right? Of course! As far as Red Bull wannabe's, this one leans on the better side, but still not as good as Red Bull.

I expected more from you Austria.

Mark always thought that the life of a magician would be all glamour and no gutter. It had been his dream for as long as he could remember to wow crowds with his illusions. It was in his 47th year that his wife left him for the clown that had been the entertainment at their daughter's communion party. He had wondered if a clown would be appropriate for a day full of religion, but since he himself had no savior, he brushed it off. Turns out his wife had seen him at a coworker's son's birthday party and just wanted to rock the sheets with this white-faced wonder. After she left and he was alone, he knew it was time for a change. He left his medical practice and went to magic school. No not Hogwarts, that isn't even a real place. Don't you know the difference between fantasy and reality? He went to The Montana Institute of Magic and Illusion. He worked his butt off and graduated first in his class. He had nothing but positive thoughts about it all, that was until he was actually in the working world. There is very little glamour in being a magician these days. You worked long hours for unappreciative audiences, and the pay was next to nothing. Luckily he had a nice nest egg, so he decided to stick with it. It was after about six months of working 18 hour days that he was a broken man. His true love magic had worn him out to the point where he couldn't get through a show without downing a huge energy drink. Not only was this expensive, but he found that all of his special compartments in his props were getting filled up with cans for later on in the day. That is when he remembered his medical knowledge and he created Hijinks. It was essentially concentrated energy (namely taurine, caffeine, inositol, glucuronolactone, and l-carnitine). The only problem was that when he drank a little of it on its own it tasted absolutely horrible. It was like someone added a little bit of sweetener to weed killer. He then decided to package it in small bottles, and all he had to do was add it to whatever beverage was on hand. It became basically indistinguishable in whatever sweetened drink he added it to. When he had to resort to water, he could taste it slightly but it wasn't bad. He was elated. No longer did he have to worry about downing obscene amounts of sugar and chemicals. Well he still was ingesting the chemicals, but they somehow seemed safer.

He started giving it to other magicians and he became the belle of the magician's ball. Everyone knew his name and gave him thanks. He even made the cover of MAGIC Magazine for magician of the year. Sure his illusions were nothing special, but he had given the word of magic a way to make it through each and every day. That is why we are here today to unveil his statue in honor of the memory of Mark Jinks. As I'm sure you all know he sadly left this mortal coil when an illusion went horribly wrong and when he pretended to cut his assistant in half, he somehow cut himself in half. Always the one to see a trick through to its completion he continued sawing through the pain until his body was completely separated in two.

Jimmy was a huge Rage Against The Machine fan. He got into them when he was in high school. Right around the time Evil Empire came out. He thought every other band paled in comparison. He loved them so much; he got "Bombtrack" tattooed in old English on his stomach. All of his friends tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen.

When RATM reunited last year, he booked the first ticket to LA he could. There was no way he was going to miss this show. He also brought along a case of these Rage energy shots. He thought the band secretly endorsed it. The company even sent them a copy of their masthead to prove Zach De La Rocha didn't have a hand in their product, but he still thought it was true. He thought this all the way until he met Zach before the concert.

Being the crafty person he is, Jimmy found out where the band was eating before the show and introduced himself to them mid burrito. He told them how big of a fan he was, showed them his tattoo, and then asked if they would sign his box of energy shots. Zach laughed and told him, just like everyone else, that they had nothing to do with the company and refused to sign it. He then went on some diatribe about the indigenous people of Canada (where the drink is made), but Jimmy was in tears and ran out. His dreams had been shattered.

What better way to drown those tears than to drink the entire case of Rage energy shots. One after another, he drank them. Each one tasting just like the last did, fruit punch Kool Aid energy drink. The taste never changed, and never left his mouth for months after that night. He also had a heart attack from all that caffeine.

So let that be a lesson for everyone. Rage Against The Machine would never own an energy drink company, and don't ever interrupt Zach De La Rocha when he's eating a burrito.

Deep within the jungles of South America, there is a town called Gazzu. Not many people know about it because it's really hard to get to. One must row down a river for 2 days, and then hike through the rainforest forest for another day. Only then do you come to Gazzu, the town so small it's not on any map. The reason why it's not on any map is because once people go there they never leave.

No, it's not because they get killed. Why would you jump to that conclusion? It's because of the Gazzu energy spring. While most places in the world have water springs, the spring here gives you life and energy. Okay, so maybe it doesn't give you life per se, but it definitely fills you with energy. Unlike other springs, it's carbonated and sweet. It almost tastes like melted candy.

Now you may ask yourself, how do you know about this spring? Well I live here in Gazzu. This has been one long infomercial on the merits of moving here. Don't you feel more informed now?

Move over cocaine. You're so last year and also so 1980s simultaneously. You are no longer the energizing powder powerhouse that you once were. Phix beat you hands down. Allow me to count the ways that Phix is better than cocaine:

1. Legality - Phix you can buy from a store without prescription and no one is going to think twice when you have that and you itch your nose.


2. Flavor - Citron is basically citrus. Lemon and orange, if I had to place it. Maybe a pineapple, but a great overall citrus taste. Cocaine? Oh, sandy gas flavored? Awesome.


3. Side Effects - Lemon breath and energy. Cocaine? Crashes, feening, jail time, bloody noses.


4. Cost - A five pack with cost around $12. It seems like a lot, but it's quite good and works out to be a little over $2. Using $50 as the going rate for a gram of cocaine, that would translate to one pack of around twelve grams costing you around $600.

As you can see Phix is a win-win.

Hangover Joe's sent us a package of these Hangover Recovery Shots. Since none of us here at Thirsty Dudes drink alcohol, we outsourced our review to our friend and cohort Pat Shanahan. Last night was Mohawk Place's (our favorite bar/place for shows in Buffalo) annual Xmas party. Originally Pat was going to wait to get drunk enough to need to drink this, but about halfway through the night he had a change of heart and the PBR flowed like water down his gullet. As you can see from his review he got drunk, fast, and his alter ego "Brocktoon" made an appearance. Here's what he had to say.

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"Sometimes you spend a long evening drinking keg beer at your favorite dive bar. Later, You take a nap on floor. A couple of hours later the bartender gives you a ride home. Nice guy. Fast forward to the morning after. You take a hangover recovery shot. Tastes kinda like generic Smarties. Not too bad. I kind of wish it was bigger. Maybe it helps to relieve the headache, just a little bit, but not too much. Now you have to walk to your friend's house to feed their cat while they are out of town. At least you didn't get arrested, or get anyone pregnant. Merry Xmas." - Pat

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As for a Thirsty Dude's perspective on the taste of this, it tastes like someone mixed an entire package of Kool Aid powder into a shot glass of water. It's sweet, fruity and very strong. I understand where Pat got his Smarties taste. It really tastes like a Kool Aid flavored energy shot. They share a lot of the same ingredients. Actually now that I look at the ingredients of this and a 5 Hour Energy back to back this is pretty much an energy shot with some extra vitamins in it. Makes sense. We wish Pat/Brocktoon a speedy recovery.

The lemonade + iced tea Monster Rehab has been my favorite energy drink ever since Jay wrote this review. While I tour I came across three new Monster Rehab flavors. I was so excited that I almost forgot to pay for them.

Even though green tea isn't my favorite tea, I decided to try this one first. To my surprise, it doesn't have a strong green tea taste. It's slight, but not prominent. Much like the original Rehab, this is not carbonated and tastes delicious. I'm still partial to the half and half flavor, but this is still worlds better than most energy drinks on the market.

I took one sip of this whist driving and instantly closed it up and threw it in the back seat. This is not good by a long shot. It's like the company took every little thing that anybody didn't like about Vitamin Water, then mixed in Splenda for a sweetener and finally dumped some taurine and caffeine in there to give it a slight chemical energy drink taste.

Splenda has to be my least favorite sweetener. I can get by with other artificial "diet" sweeteners, but Splenda is just chalky and terrible beyond belief. This is supposed to be tropical citrus flavored, and I guess that is hidden underneath all of that fake sugar, but it's hard to make it out through the haze.

New Review:
Since we have given such good marks to all of their other products, Cintron sent us another bottle of this and asked us if we'd try again. I had no problem with it, especially since Derek said he actually liked this one. The company sent it and it's been sitting on my shelf for a month or two.

I finally got around to trying it today, and I don't know what my problem was before. Sure it's not the greatest tasting thing in the world, but neither are any energy shots. Maybe I got a bad one before, who knows. All I can say now is that it tastes like diet cranberry juice concentrate with energy drink junk in it. I wouldn't drink huge glasses of it, but you're not meant to. It tastes more like diet cranberries than it does energy garbage, and that is all you can really ask for. I'm bumping you from a 1 to a 3 Cranberry Splash. I hope you're happy with your new home.


Old Review:
Cintron knows how to make a tasty energy drink. They have even managed to make some quality energy shots, which are by definition disgusting. Unfortunately with this offering they have fallen short. The bitterness of the cranberry flavor does not help the already gross energy shot flavor. Instead of masking the grossness, it possibly makes it worse. The sucralose used to sweeten it makes it taste like diet toxic waste. I'm sorry Cintron. I really wish we could have given you all top marks, but this is probably the worst energy shot I've ever tasted. So dear readers you should just pick up their other flavors. They are a company that deserves to be able to shine.

Let's take a moment and get serious here. What could be so important that I would interrupt the normal flow of Thirsty Dudes? The answer is that absolute incredible force of nature that the movie Purple Rain is. Prince is a great musician. He's one of the greatest guitarists of our time, and unlike most people with that skill, he knows how to show off on the guitar as well as write some of the best pop songs that have ever graced the ears of humans. Sure he may be completely insane, but I can forgive him that for the album upon album of hits he has supplied us.

The folks at Sambazon understand this. They love purple rain. They even have gone so far as to pull the Lake Minnetonka prank a couple of times. Classic. The thing is that they not only love prince, they also have a soft spot for his adversaries in the film; The Time. Did you know that Prince wrote all of the time songs? True fact. His personal career was moving in a different direction, but he still wanted to write fun party songs, so he got The Time to play and record them. Among those songs was their hit "Jungle Love". To honor The Time, and Prince by proxy, they created an energy drink to keep you up all night in the clubs on Minneapolis, like the historic First Ave that is featured in the film (I played in the small room once and I kind of freaked out that Prince owned the building). The most important thing about Morris Day and The Time is that they have passion for not only their music, but also their sweet dance moves and awesome suits. Sambazon took that into consideration and created an energy drink that has both their classic acai and passionfruit juice in it. I like it more than their original variety. It has a fruitier taste, and it's all harsh acai juice. Also, how can I not support something as awesome as The Time?

Oooh man. Oooh no. Oooh jeez. I need it. I need it so bad. Oooh man. Ooooh God. Ooooh kill me. I need it. Ahhh. Dude, dude, dude, dude...do you have the stuff? You do? Oh, how much do I owe you? A dollar fifty? Oh, man. Hold on. Hey, other dude, do you have a quarter? No, it doesn't need to be a case quarter. Thanks. Here you go, dealer. A dollar fifty. Thanks, dude.

Finally, I've got it. I've needed this. What time is it? Two thirty? I should have had this a half hour ago. I'm feening so hard. Alright, I've got to go in the bathroom to take care of business. Alright, down the hatch. Oh, it smells good. It doesn't smell poisonous. It smells like Flintstone vitamins. Alright, once again, down the hatch. Wooooo! I feel like Ric Flair up in here. I hope no one heard me. That was very loud. It tastes like Flintstone vitamins. I was anticipating this to taste vile but I was wrong. Alright, I'm going to be juiced up for the last...one hour of work. What time is it?! Three thirty? I've been in here doing old wrestler impressions and getting myself juiced up on this energy shot for an hour? Man, I hope that I'm going to have enough energy to run out the door when they fire me.

For some people, coffee is not enough. For some people, energy drinks are not enough. For the rest, you've got to combine caffeine with caffeine and hope for the best. I am no nutritionist, but I am a scientist and I would say that this could not be worse for you than anything else you could drink.

Ignoring all nutritional value, which in this case, if it weren't for the FDA demanding that legitimate numbers be printed on the back of all food, should just say "Bad." Oh sure, there is a ton of vitamin B in there, but who cares? I think my mom takes a B12 for memory. Her memory is fine, but she takes it. I think it's a girl thing, like how all girls have anemia, but probably don't, they just all think that they should because their mom's told them to take it.

One thing your mom or dad is not going to turn you on to is this. It's not bad, but if your parents care about you, they won't let you have this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're an adult and you can make your own decisions. You're such a rebel. Look, you're not sixteen anymore. Make up with your parents and see what they've been up to. No one cares that you don't get along with your daddy and it's unfortunate. Bury the hatchet about that thing that happened at Thanksgiving twelve years ago and get a steak with your friggin' dad.

It doesn't taste like an energy drink, but it also doesn't taste like coffee. It kind of tastes like a liquidy coffee iced cream. Perhaps with some diet action to it. Your mom wouldn't like it. Your daddy wouldn't like it. Your boss might like it, but your boss is always a bit juiced up.

Alright fine. I'll come out and say it. For the last week, I've been on a cruise. We went to a tropical location and it was quite lovely. Food and drink were atrocious and there was one day where, and I'm making up a percentage, 80% of the boat got wicked sick. Aside from that, it was totally awesome and I would do it again.

While being on that boat, I was tired. Super tired. I could never get enough sleep. It's not that I didn't sleep well, which I didn't, but I think that the (mostly) gentle rocking of the boat put me to sleep so any time I was in the room, I would touch the bed and wake up an hour later. Just like that. Like a tired baby, my face would touch the bed and BAM, seven turned into eight.

Now I'm home and should be well rested, but I'm not. I'm still tired and have a life to live. I've got things to do, people to see, obligations to sort out and all the while I am tired and still have my sea legs attached instead of my trusty, land lubber legs. To compensate and hopefully, temporarily over-compensate, I have taken part in this energy drink. I have been drinking a lot of these as of late. I hope there isn't anything wrong with me but assuming there isn't, let's get down to brass tacks and review this drink.

It's good. I had never seen this Vitamin Energy before and the corner store, aptly named "The Corner Store" had it so I bought her and threw her in the fridge for a week. Having eaten one actual dragon fruit, I felt like I was an expert in the matter.

This drink tasted remarkably like dragon fruit and remarkably not gross/energy...y. I would say ten percent, maybe fifteen percent energy and the remainder is dragon fruit. I wonder why anyone would drink a Red Bull or equivalent if they have energy drinks that taste like this. Seriously, people. If you like energy drinks and live by Red Bull, you're a dummy because there are better tasting energy drinks out there. Don't be a dummy. Get this drink.

Dude, if you're going to stay up all night and play Modern Warfare, you're going to need to get juiced up. You aren't going to be able to stay up on Mountain Dew, the official drink of gamers everywhere. You're going to need something with pep in it. Is pep an ingredient? If not, when I grow up, I'm going to make it one and put it in everything. You know those Arizona tallboys you're always drinking? I saw they had an energy drink and I bought one for you. This will surly allow you to headshot British ten year olds all night. Your frag count will be through the roof, bro. So here, I got you one of these. Let's slam them together, put the disc in, and play. The time is eight and we've got until six to play before we have to get ready for school.

You know? This isn't bad. It's like a juice but with a bit of energy drink in it. It's like a fruit punch, maybe even a tropical fruit punch with a splash of some generic energy drink in it. Are you ready? Did you make your guy? No, don't pick a shotgun, dude. You can't pick off dudes with a shotgun. I saw this video of a kid who threw a knife and it bounced off a plane and hit a dude in the head and killed him. We're got ten hours to get that good. Go!

The past couple of days have really been kicking my keister. Due to the holiday, and general gluttony, I've been eating way too much food. That coupled with the fact that it's dark by 6pm has caused me to get sleepy way early. Yesterday I took a step towards being the old man that I've been striving to become by taking a nap. Today I had too much stuff to do, so I partook in this little treat.

Does it taste like mango? Not really. Does it taste like a citrus fruit punch? You betcha. It has a slight chemical/candy energy drink taste, but for the most part it tastes like a citrus juice. I really wish stores around here sold this line of Cintron energy drinks, because I have yet to have one that I dislike and for some unscientific reason (very unlike us Thirsty Dudes) I don't feel as bad when I drink one of these. Even though they aren't made with real fruit juice, they sure taste like they are, and I will let me mind continue to pretend that they are.

It's a little known fact that after the robot wars died down Shockwave, the second in command of the Deceptacons, started dabbling in the energy drink game. He got so into it that he altered his laser arm to be a drink dispenser (you know like in a fast food restaurant). It was strange times. After several failed attempts at classic energy drinks he decided to take it in ta-other direction. He realized that the United States is slowly becoming more health conscious, and while they still don't care about adding extra stress to their hearts they want healthier alternatives to their beverages. He then designed a carbonated energy juice. He basically carbonated some orange juice (with a handful of other fruit juices mixed in for an extra kick) and added the usual suspects of energy giving supplements; taurine, caffeine, b vitamins and others. His past creations were fairly average because he didn't have a group of human taste testers, but for this he fed it to elementary school kids who then finished recess in record-breaking time. He realized that he had made something very special. As a single robotic tear formed from his one digital eye, Megatron showed up and turned into a giant gun and shot him in the face. Tragic really. The world will now never know what future wonders this drink guru would have come up with.