Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Dear Trick or Treaters of the world,
When you are traversing the back streets of your town, begging for sugary confections I have on request for you. Actually it's not a request; it's a demand. You can keep all of your chocolates and suckers, your Wonkas and your Hersheys. I must request that you save all of your licorice and send it to me directly at the Thirsty Dudes offices (aka my apartment). I have no need of Sweet Tarts or Tootsie Rolls, I only need the sweet, sweet goodness of licorice. Let me be more specific, red licorice. You can keep any and all black licorice trash for yourself. Bring me your Twizzlers, your Red Vines and your Australian soft eating varieties. Red licorice is the ultimate candy, and when it comes to ingesting it, I have no willpower. I will inhale an entire package before I know what happened.

The folks at Jones certainly had me in mind when they made this soda pop, as it legitimately tastes like licorice. Sure the flavor isn't as overpoweringly strong as I wish it was, but it is more than just a hint. The flavor is more along the lines of Red Vines than anything else, and while it's not my absolute favorite, I can't really complain.

It's lucky for me that these are available for a limited time only, as I don't need this temptation on a yearly basis. Also, anything more than 8oz of this would probably be too much. This candy liquefied and stored in a can with wonderful bubbles soaring through it is as close to a dream come true as any man could ask.

So on November first while you're sorting through your night's haul, dump all of your licorice into a box and mail it to Thirsty Dudes International Headquarters. The postmaster will make sure it gets to where it needs to be.

Do you have a fetish that consists of drinking liquid plastic until you reach a state of relaxation? You do? Well I did not expect you to answer that in the affirmative, but good news for you is that this drink is probably just what you have been looking for; a way to sate your compulsion but without being poisoned by it.

This 100% tastes like the most diet berry drink anyone has ever dreamt of. That beverage was then kept in some sort of plastic container, and the flavor of the plastic somehow seeped into the drink. The result is ridiculously diet tasting plastic.

In addition to tasting like nothing I want to consume, this is also a relaxation drink that will keep you calm without making you feel drowsy, like Marley Mellow Moods. In order to achieve that they use a blend of lemon balm, hibiscus, l-theanine, green tea, passion flower and a few other things.

So there you have it. You're rare fetish can now be explored anytime you wish. You just may have to head to Canada to pick some up.

The tale of Jin and Ja is as timeless as Disney would like you to believe Beauty and the Beast is. Two star-crossed lovers doomed because of their families…€¦wait that's not it. Is it something about a monkey and a talking car? Hmm. Whatever the tale we here at Thirsty Dudes are constantly on the prowl for the perfect ginger beer. The kicker is that I think I now hold it in my hands, but it's not a soda at all, due to its lack of carbonation. The perfect version of ginger ended up being some sort of weird tea type drink. I say that because it doesn't taste like tea at all.

Jin + Ja is a healthy elixir that combines ginger, cayenne, mint, green tea and lemon. It has one of the craziest burns I have ever experienced with a beverage in my life. It burns as soon as it hits your mouth, and it has an incredibly strong cayenne/ginger after burn. It's so strong that I can only drink the tiniest of all glasses at one sitting. I've actually been sipping on about 8oz of liquid for the past hour. I'm savoring every sip, which is how this should be enjoyed.

In-between the initial and post burn you get a nice sweet lemon flavor, with a very light hint of mint. The “heat” overpowers most of the tea flavor, but I'm not complaining. I just poured myself a little more, and the little that I poured makes me feel like I'm sitting here pouring shots for myself. Speaking of which, this would probably be a great mixer for some liquors.

My warning is that this drink is not for everyone. I seek out spicy ginger drinks, and this is almost too much for me to handle. My ladyfriend had the tiniest of sips, under duress, and she was writhing in pain yelling about the burn afterwards. Perhaps it will become the new” Cinnamon Challenge” or the “100 Warhead Challenge.” How much Jin + Ja can you drink before your head explodes like in Scanners?

I purchased this on a trip that I was sure was ultimately going to result in my death. On our last tour we played a last minute show at a coffee shop in Western Mass. We didn't know anyone at town, and didn't have a place to stay. Suddenly this 20 something year old gentleman approached us and told us he had been couch surfing and living out of his van, be he had a place we could crash, as long as we were okay with having a bonfire. We agree, follow him to a 7-11, where I purchased this soda, and then drove for what seemed like forever into the heart of nothingness. It seemed like we were nowhere near any sort of town, and even streetlights were nonexistent. The words of a bonfire got me to thinking that we were certainly going to be sacrificed. Most of my body was telling me to turn around and head the other direction, but we are poor and cheap and didn't want to spring for a hotel. Finally we turned into a driveway of a creepy old farmhouse. A single motion detector light came on and it didn't help our feelings of dread. The area was dead silent. There was no trace of any other human life for miles. We ascended the stairs to enter the house and I took a breath waiting for murder and mutilation. As he flipped the light switch I was sure a family of crazy hillbillies would be waiting for me, but instead I was greeted with construction equipment. You see at the show our host was vague about everything, but he quickly explained that this was his grandmother's house and she had passed away the year before. His parents were remodeling the whole thing, and it was to be their retirement home in the country. He showed us to some nice new mattresses for us to sleep on and then we went out to enjoy a nice fire on a chilly night. It ended up being one of my favorite nights of tour, and great conversations were had. In the morning light we saw that the place was probably one of the most relaxing places I had ever been. There were hundreds of cows in a field next door, pear trees and even a little waterfall in the stream behind the house. We were dumb dumb heads and we watch too many horror movies.

You didn't come here to hear about my potential demise though. You're here for sarsaparilla, and it's a fine place to be. Due to the caps I was expecting this too be the same mix that College Club and Avery uses, but this has a much darker licorice taste to it. I was very surprised at how bold the flavor was. When companies use the same labels for all their sodas and the only denotation of the flavor is on the cap, I expect something on the higher level of good, but not great. What was that something about books and covers? This is an exceptional sarsaparilla that Massachusetts is lucky to have readily available.

“Let's make Plan Tea plan A.” You're welcome for your new slogan. I'm sure the higher ups at Plan Tea have already thought of it, but come on it's great. Actually it's almost as great as the tea itself, almost. If this were only Darjeeling black tea it would be an excellent tea that would get a great rating on this website. The addition of the flavoring puts it through the roof and makes it one of the best ready to drink teas I have ever tasted.

Vanilla is an odd enough choice for a flavoring for iced tea. I've had it a few other times, but it's not common by any means. Whoever suggested using basil is a goddamn saint. They must have had a direct line to some sort of god who spoke to them in a dream and hinted at the use of basil. It's simply heavenly.

Both flavors are on the light side, but that it exactly how they should be. It's also mostly unsweetened. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but the only sweetener in it is a single drop of honey. It doesn't make it taste sweet by any means. It simply smoothes out the edges just a little bit.

I cannot exalt the greatness of this tea enough. Since the only place I have found this for purchase is over six hours away from me, I took my time and sipped it slowly. The next time I find myself in Brooklyn I'm going to have to stock up. If you or anyone you know are a fan of unsweetened iced teas I strongly urge you to give this a go.

When you are stuck on an uninhabited tropical island the coconut is life. Due to it's salt, the ocean is death; drinking it would just lead to dehydration. You could keep yourself in healthy fluids by eating obscene amounts of tropical fruit, but that is just asking for more dysentery than a failed trip on the Oregon Trail. The only solution is to drink the pulpy, slightly chalky lifeblood for the coconut. You're going to have one hell of a time getting it open, but once you figure out a method, you're golden. Then and only then will you have the luxury of exploring the luxuries the island has to offer you. It could become your personal paradise.

When you get bored of the taste of straight coconut water, you can start mixing it with other fruits. Of course many of you would go straight for pineapples to create the classic pina colada flavor. For those of you who would like to pretend you're on this mystery island Vita Coco has packaged up it's own blend of a pina colada just for you. It's nothing but coconut water/pulp, pineapple pulp and vitamin C. Unfortunately they strain all of the solids out, so this is just a liquid with no fun involved.

This is not exactly the prime flavor for me, but it's something that I know a lot of people would love. There's something about Vita Coco that always leaves me wanting. Since it's just coconuts and juice I don't know what it is, but there is something that's just not as good as other brands, but it's more than good enough for you to enjoy.

Despite what Derek says I will always believe, and spread the word, that the name of this here website is derived from a Mitch Hedberg joke. “You don't have to be sweating and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason, other than that liquid has not touched my lips for some time.” Funny? Yes. Truthful? Also, yes. Many times in my life I have drank a Gatorade or similar drink, while not in the throes of some physical activity. I was thirsty, it was a beverage that would solve my thirst, and on top of that it tastes pretty good.

With all of the above being said, I don't think I could ever see myself drinking one of these bottles of Cytomax for pleasure. It is a beverage with a specific function, and I think I will save it for that. Sure it's basically the same sort of beverage as Gatorade, but the difference is that along with crystalline fructose, stevia is also used as a sweetener in here. That just throws the whole thing off. It's citrus flavored in the way that popsicles are, but with the stevia it's like a natural diet popsicle. There is something inherently wrong with the idea of such a product existing. Since this is a performance beverage and not a frozen summertime treat, it is acceptable, but I wouldn't drink it just for enjoyment. I would drink it after spending some time on the court with that previously mentioned basketball though. That is it's intended purpose, so I suppose Cytomax has produced what it was aiming for.

This is so close to being amazing that it is so very frustrating. It hits your lips and you think to yourself, “this is one serious soda.” Not only does it not taste like those little strawberry candies whose wrappers look like the fruit, it actual tastes like berries. It has a wonderful adult berry flavor. I don't mean alcoholic, I mean that it's not overly sweetened to the liking of a child. It's still sweet, but not in a way that makes you fear tooth decay. It tastes like a soda you would sip at the end of a long day as you sit out in our hypothetical backyard and have a nice little fire. Oddly enough, it's the fire that I believe ruins this drink. Just when the going it getting good, the drink makes a left hand turn and the “Sprecher flavor” comes out to greet your taste buds. Since this is the only company that I can relate this flavor to, and this is also the only company I know that fire brews their soda, I blame the fire. I don't know how to explain the flavor exactly, but it is the thing that always keeps me from giving their sodas perfect marks. It's unfortunate, because I could see this quickly becoming a favorite of mine if it weren't for that weird after taste.

Peaches may be the only fruit whose juice comes straight from nature in syrup form. There is no need to boil it down to its essence, as it's thick and stick all on it's own. We're not talking maple syrup thickness, but it is way thicker than any other fruit I've experienced. It is due to this that peach nectar is a task to drink. It's delicious, and I love it, but unlike other juices it's not gone within two seconds of being placed before me. It's a sipping juice that you should enjoy over a period of time, not in a brief moment.

Compal's peach nectar is pretty standard. There is added sugar, which seems unnecessary, but it doesn't detract from the flavor too much. I can only assume that for the sake of profits all of the peaches that were juiced to make this were not 100% ripe, so the added sugar was needed to give the illusion that they were. It tastes like the real fruit (albeit a ad sweeter) and that is all you can hope to ask for these days. If you don't have the luxury of living near a peach orchard you should drink up and enjoy the peasants life you live.

While I think of this as a cheaper, average tea, I'm sure 99% of people in the United States think that this is what all tea tastes like. It's overly sweet, in a way that puts it on the brink of being straight up sugar water; there are 50g of sugar in this 16oz bottle. The thing that really saves this tea is that they use natural raspberry flavor, and it shows, as it actually tastes like berries and not just fake flavoring. It's not my favorite tea in the world, but I would happily accept it if it were ever presented to me. I would actually drink a couple gallons of this if they were places before me. I'm a glutton like that when it comes to tea.

I know we've beaten this concept to death, but I can't help it; this just makes me think of a goth vacation to a tropical location. Every year is Buffalo there is Goth Beach Day that some friends run. People don't really dress up, it's just a bunch of goths hanging out at the beach in swim suits. Sure there are more tattoos than the beach is used to, and a couple of parasols floating around, but it's nothing that is overly comical. The vision in my head is hysterical though. People getting ready in their hotel rooms, putting on their “club clothes” and makeup just to head out and do various activities on a tropical island. In my mind a couple of them even have platform boots on.

So it's a million degrees and it's humid as hell, as tropical locations are prone to be. The goths are sweating, makeup is running everywhere, and after hours of swimming, rafting and zip lining has left everyone feeling a bit dehydrated. Of course as a joke someone has had a couple cases of blk Tropical Punch shipped to the resort. It does its job of quenching everyone's thirst, but it doesn't taste very tropical. It tastes like a very watered down Hawiian Punch or some sort of Kool Aid that has been sweetened with stevia. It's the chosen sweetener that really puts everyone off. Goths aren't really known for watching their weight, so they aren't used to zero calorie sweeteners. The stevia is too distracting in something that has such a light flavor to begin with. It takes over and does a cannonball right in the hotel pool, drenching all of the velvet and lace that was nice and dry on land. It's a jerk like that.

For some reason these Mash drinks are one of the most visually appealing beverages on the market. Whenever I come across then in a bodega my eyes are instantly drawn to them. I don't know what it is. They just look like someone took a crappy one liter soda bottle and squished it down. Perhaps it's just the simplicity of the label. I love clean design work.

Besides for the look of this I am also drawn to it because it has ginger in it. I will always gravitate towards the ginger based beverages. I knew it wasn't going to be very strong in this, but it was even weaker than I anticipated. It tastes like someone took the weakest ginger ale ever produced and added lemon soda to it. I know I haven't painted the greatest picture of this, but it is enjoyable to drink. I just always want more, and apparently like to complain about things that are perfectly fine the way they are.

This is sweetened with both crystalline fructose and sucralose, but luckily the diet flavor is nowhere to be found. There is so much lemon flavor in here. I think it covers up all the other flavors. Luckily it doesn't taste like lemon rind, which could have easily been the case with a name like lemon peel. We dodged a bullet with that one.

I got into a bit of an altercation earlier today. Words were said, threats were made and now it's going to be me and Julio fighting it out down at the school yard. I should really learn to watch my mouth. I mean this guy is a professional boxer and he's obviously going to cream me. I picked up this energy drink that he's the spokesperson for in hopes that it would give me some sort of edge in the fight that is likely to be a one sided blood bath.

Well here it goes…€¦ugh…€¦this tastes like Red Bull mixed with kola champagne and a little jigger of cherry mixed in. It's not really any sort of enjoyable to my palate. I love chewing bubble gum, but I don't like drinking anything that tastes like it. It always makes me feel like I'm drinking the concentrated spit of a dozen people what have been chomping on gum for hours. Gross. Along with the regular energy drink ingredients this also has green tea (as an antioxidant) and L-Carnitine (as a fat burner). I don't see how either of those are going to help me when I get down to the elementary school though. What grown adult wants to fight you at a school for young children anyway? That's just weird. I guess I should have not told him “la vaca es mas azul prque los monos bailan en su marmalade.” I never thought it would set him off so much.

ps. That sentence is all that remains in my brain from three years of high school Spanish.

Do you think there is anyone out there that collects iced tea? I mean is there a crazy person out there who purchases one of every type of iced tea they can find, but then never drink them? Perhaps they have an auxiliary house whose only purpose is to display a gigantic collection of unopened teas. Subquestion: would you be able to see the tea rotting if it came in a clear bottle?

If you know of a collector please tell him/her that Turkey Hill has a limited edition flavor out and they better hurry on over to PA to pick some up. Okay, if they are a real collector like you say they are then I'm sure they have their ear to the ground and they already know this exists. I'm just trying to he helpful, you don't need to get up in arms about it.

For you non-collectors out there who would actually drink this tea, it may be called “light,” but it's actually sweetened with a combination of real sugar and aspartame. The diet flavor is at a minimum, which leave drinking this tea and enjoyable experience. It's made with black tea, and the blueberry flavor is fairly bold. Oh it's also cheap as hell for such a large bottle. I recommend it to anyone who is a fan of middle grade iced teas.

I equate NOS with everyday cars that kids soup up with kits and parts to make them faster and look cooler, mainly so they can hang out in local parking lots at night and show off what they have done. These cars, such as a Ford Focus, never were meant to be fast cars, but these kids dump all their money into putting parts in to make them that way. They would even go as far as to swap out engines and put in NOS systems for a little extra boost. In reality they could have just used all of the money they have spent making a “crappy” car “fancy” on a car that was that way to begin with, but I guess the process is part of the enjoyment. I mean everyone needs a hobby.

Now NOS energy drink takes a normal person's fairly unhealthy body and gives it a little shot, so that they can feel what it would be like to be a little healthier and to have more energy. It has mplx6 for enhanced mental focus and high performance energy, what ever that is.

I have always had a disinterest in all things car related, so by default I have also stayed away from this brand of energy drinks. In fact this is the first one I have ever drunk. You know what? I was correct to stay away. This tastes like a bad Mountain Dew rip off, which isn't anything great to begin with. It doesn't have much of a traditional energy drink taste to it, which I generally applaud, but the base flavor is just something I have no taste for. I'll stick to my little Chevy hatchback that gets good gas mileage, and can be parked anywhere.

How many hot dogs can you eat? Do you have the fervor it takes to take on the former world champion Takeru Kobayashi, or do you just like to take it easy and eat a whole mess of dogs at a leisurely pace? Either way if you can force down at least six dogs at Spike's Junkyard Dogs in New England you can get yourself a t-shirt and a picture on the wall. I wouldn't say it's an elite group that has achieved this as the walls are basically covered in said pictures, but there is a certain pride that comes with it.

If you still have room in your gullet after you have downed an unhealthy number of hot dogs (or veggie dogs) I would suggest ordering yourself a bottle of their store brand root beer. You would think that for a store brand it would be some average root beer that is normally made by a different company, but that has been rebranded. It seems that Spikes has had this specifically brewed for them. It's sweetened with cane sugar, which puts them ahead of the average game if you ask me. On top of that it's fairly heavy with the wintergreen, which makes it stand out as slightly different amongst its peers. It doesn't taste like it's just made from a mix, or with “root beer flavoring.” I suppose after you eat 23 hot dogs (the greatest number consumed at the location we were at) you're probably not going to notice the subtleties of the flavor though.

Does anyone in the world actually like cheap blue raspberry pop? I think not. As a result they open it, take a few sips and then leave it out to lose its carbonation. That is what this tastes like a crappy soda that no longer has bubbles and vaguely tastes like a melted Freezepop. It's candy in fake juice form. I can't even imagine that children would truly like this. What can you expect for $.50 though?

If you are a child of the 80's and had a mother who tried the Slim Fast diet, at one point or another you probably stole one of her shakes from the fridge. I most definitely did. How could I not? I was a pre-teen and there was a chocolate shake in the fridge. I didn't care that it was meant for a diet, I saw chocolate and shake on the container and I needed it like early 90's musicians from the Pacific North west needed junk. Ultimately it was a let down, because…€¦well because it was a diet drink. Even my young taste buds knew the difference.

As soon as I took a sip of this I was brought back to that moment in my childhood kitchen. This is exactly what I wanted that shake to taste like. It's what it should have tasted like if it wasn't for the whole diet thing. It's Slim Fast, but chock full of sugar.

Okay let's take this another way. Take Coco Puffs, add milk, and let it sit for a minute or two, as you eat the cereal. The milk that is left over tastes exactly like this. There are companies that aim for that flavor and fail, but Nestle does it as a happy accident. This is calcium, vitamins, minerals and protein all mixed into a glorious post chocolate cereal milk shake.

Both of those descriptions make me wish I had another can of this waiting for me. How was I not a fat kid? Oh yeah, it's because I stole my mom's diet shakes.

Hitch the dogs to your sled, because you are going on an adventure. The Peace Tea company has hired you to travel out into the Arctic Circle to harvest sno-berries for the newest flavor in their line. We told them that we have lived up here in this winter wonderland for our entire lives and that we have never heard of sno-berries before, but they said we would know them when we saw them, and gave us the coordinates. Since you're the rookie of the team, and we just want to watch these Gilmore Girls DVDs we got in the mail, you're the one who's going out to harvest the bounty. It shouldn't take you more than a day to get out there and back, so don't pack too much junk. We'll see you tomorrow.
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Welcome back. Now that wasn't all that bad was it? What do you mean all there was out there was a bunch of blueberries? Do you think they really would pay top dollar for this expedition just to get blueberries? I mean I guess they did say they had never actually seen the berry or tasted it, they just liked the name and wanted to use it for their new tea. What is it that you're eating there? Raspberries? Well that gives me an idea, let's charge them a small fee to juice the berries for them, as it will save on shipping anyways, and we'll mix blueberries and raspberries together to give it a slightly weirder taste. Now that's some good thinking on my part. Maybe they will want to do some repeat business. Why is everyone laughing? Why is everyone saying “Oi with the poodles already?” Now I'll have to rewatch the episode. Get to juicing those berries.


The above scenario is what I imagine happening in my head. It's the only events I can imagine that would lead to this tea tasting the way it does. Obviously the tea is named sno-berry because it's made with white tea and berries. I'm not that dense. The thing is that the company claims that it's white tea with blueberry, but when you drink it there is the taste of some raspberries in the mix as well. I'd like to think that someone pulled a fast one on Peace Tea and mixed the berries together.

Otherwise this flavor stands out in their line. The use of white tea was a nice touch, and it's evident in the taste. It has that slightly bitter taste that always accompanies white tea. Even though it has a ridiculously strong berry smell when you crack it open, that aspect of the flavor is a little bit more reserved than it is in their Razzleberry tea.

I can't wait for this to make its way into more stores. As of now the only place I have found it was a tiny gas station in Richmond, VA. It needs to come to New York, so I can have easy access to it.

Further adventures in the world of Pennsylvanian iced tea lead us to the wild world of Turkey Hill. Grab your gizzards and let's go. First though, let's discuss what came first the gas station or the tea? According to Wikipedia the tea came before the stores, but it was also preceded by ice cream and milk that was originally sold from the back of a car, creep style in the 30's. Now that that is covered, let's talk some mango green tea.

This has a good generic green tea taste to it. It does have a nice smooth mango flavor as well. Overall it is not of the same quality as high-end teas, but you know what? Sometimes you just want the taste of a cheaper tea. Speaking of cheap, at the Turkey Hill store I purchased this from they were four for $5. That's a whole mess of tea for very little money. It's a deal that can't be beat. They sweeten it with both corn syrup and real sugar, which is a decision I don't understand. Are they really saving that much money by splitting it up?

As far as tea of the Keystone state go Turkey Hill is on the top of the heap. They make a great mid level tea, that you don't get sick of, even when sipping on a half gallon all day.