Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

I think someone once told me that is life gives you lemons, make lemonade. That's all well and good, but what happens when life gives you limes? Oh that's right, you make guacamole and mojitos. The problem is that I am plum out of avocados and mint, so there goes that plan. I suppose my back up plan could be to make some limeade. Is limeade the rarest of all ades? No, I think that award would go to Citron's guava or papaya ades.

For those of you who are only familiar with lemonade, this may be a bit of a disappointment. It doesn't make your cheeks pinch in that sour way that great lemonade does. It's basically watered down limejuice, but that is a good thing. Have you ever tried drinking straight limejuice? I do not suggest it unless you want to look like this guy.

This is tame and mild and only slightly sweetened (12g of sugar for an ade is not very common). I could have gone for a bit more lime, as I do love an intense ade, but this would do in a pinch.

Question, tell me what you think about me? I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings…€¦ wait, that's not right. Those are Destiny's Child lyrics. What I meant to say was, exactly how fresh can “Freshly brewed green tea” actually be when it comes in a can? I assume they meant that they put it in a can as soon as they brewed it, but does that really make any difference to anyone? It's not like this is some special can that brews the tea for you as soon as you crack it open. That would be awesome though. Picture it, the insides of the can instantly boil and then cool down to a nice iced temperature. That's the kind of stuff you'll be seeing in the future if I have any say in it.

This tea? Well, it's green tea alright. Just plain old (well freshly brewed before canning) unsweetened green tea. There's not much that could change in this if another company put it out. It's exactly what you would expect, except it wasn't instantaneously brewed in your hand.

I want a physical version of the hybrid fruit that is on this label. The top of a pineapple, the bottom of an orange, and the middle is just gigantic sweet, sweet strawberry parts. Science has to have come along far enough that this could be engineered in a lab somewhere. I don't even care that it wouldn't be natural, because it would be amazing. I do suppose they would have to toughen up the skin on the strawberry, so that it wouldn't get mashed, but I'm willing to have to peel my strawberry middle. Science if you create this for me I will owe you one hell of a solid.

Since this has yet to be created by gloriously evil scientists in a lab, Dole did the next best thing and combined the three juices. Seriously, why has this not been done before? You see pineapples and oranges mingling together, but it's rare that you see them in the company of a strawberry, unless it's in some sort of fruit salad. I understand that pineapples and oranges are both citrus/tropical fruits, so they obviously go well together, but think outside of the box people. Just because strawberries are grown in the northeast, doesn't mean they won't pair nicely with some citrus fruit, which it does in a great way.

There is no sugar added in this juice. It's just fruit doing all the work, the way life should be. The sweetness of the strawberries helps to keep the acidity of the pineapple and oranges in check. It also gives it that little push it needs to make it stand out over other juices in the cooler of my grocery store.

Until science picks up the slack and makes me my Frankenstein fruit, I'll just have to keep drinking this juice.

Dear Rubicon, I wanted to tell you that you've come a long way, but then I remembered that I actually loved the juices you sold in juice box form. I had expected them to be overly sweetened and watered down versions of the pure fruit, and while they did have extra sugar added to them, they were fairly spectacular. Any slight reservations I had about your juices have been thrown out the window by the addition of a few tiny bubbles. This actually tastes less sweet than the juice version, and I am fine with that. It's guava puree spiced up with a little sugar and some carbonated water. It tastes like real guavas, which makes it automatically better than 90% of the drinks in the world. Rubicon, you have proved yourself yet again and I can't wait to see what you have planned next.

Color me jealous that this is a Canadian drug stores' house brand. Why can't Walgreens, CVS or Rite Aid have products this good? I live right near a couple of stores and I would walk to them more often for a drink such as this. It's simply carbonated mineral water and juice. It's a mixture of grapefruit, grape, lemon and apple juices, but it really just tastes like someone juiced a grapefruit into some sparkling water. I'm assuming the apple juice is there to sweeten it up a tad, as while it is fairly bitter, it's not over the top face making bitter. It's great regardless, and I wish it were available in the States. Looks like I will be stocking up the next time I head up to Canada.

This is made from brewed black tea, peach juice and real sugar. It should be great, but unfortunately something has gone wrong. I'm going to guess that it's too much sugar. Even though it's flavored with real juice, the peach tastes fake. It tastes like a slightly better version of something you would buy in a gallon jug at the corner store. That's not good news for anyone.

There may come a time in your life when you get a call that says the plan in on, and to be ready by 2am. Since you know this is going to be an all night drive, with a full day following you decide you should get some sleep. It's too early for you to naturally fall asleep, so you grab a can of Purp Lean and let it do its work. I drank the can that tasted exactly like your average grape soda around 10pm. It had expected a little bit of a different flavor to it, like most relaxation drink have, but the fake grape flavor covered it up nicely. About 20 minutes later I went to bed, and was out in less than 10minutes, which is unheard of for my sleep schedule. I was doing fine getting a couple of hours of sleep in before it was time to hit the road, suddenly I was disturbed by a confusing sensation. It took me several moments to realize that my cat had nestled in to go to sleep on my head. She's never done anything like this before, so I can only assume the folks at Lean set this up to prove to me how well their product works because I didn't even get annoyed. I didn't even get her to move. I just calmly went back to sleep.

At 1:45 my alarm went off, and I got dressed and jumped in my car to head off to Punxutawney, PA to see Groundhog Phil emerge to predict the end of winter. Unfortunately after an hour and a half into the drive we realized that with the bad weather would not permit us to get to our destination in time to see Phil emerge. Total bummer. Home we went, and I got the rest of the sleep I didn't expect, so it wasn't all a loss.

Fitness Edge knows that when it comes to protein drinks it is important to have flavors that pair well with cream. When choosing a flavored protein drink first ask yourself could I see myself eating this fruit or whatever with whipped cream on top. If the answer is no, quickly run away. There are very few things worse then dairy where it should not belong.

Well that is not really a good rule, because dairy and orange juice sounds like hell, but creamsicles are magical. The flavors just work together in soda form and they work together in this drink. It's still heavy on the whey protein, so it's a bit more dairy flavored than I would like, but it's easy enough to drink. It's thick, which is to be expected, but it's not as chalky as some protein drinks are. It's not bad, and who couldn't use a little bit of help with muscle recovery after working down at the docks all day? I have no idea why I am assuming you work on the docks. Oh wait, it's because you're wearing that little winter hat, that just barely covers the top of your head and comes nowhere near covering your ears.

Every time I looked at this drink I saw snakes. Confused? Let me explain. Remember in Pee Wee's Big Adventure when the pet store is burning and Pee Wee keeps going in to save the pets, but each time he shivers as he passes the aquarium of snakes, because he knows that eventually he's going to have to reach in and save those snakes? Well this drink is like the contents of that aquarium.

Pears and I are not on the best of terms. When I was growing up the old lady who lived next door had two pear trees in her backyard that she never took care of. Come fall her backyard would be full of the stench of rotting pears that littered the lawn, which brought a bunch of bees and other bugs along with it. This eventually over spilled into my backyard. Bees and decay are not a fun combination. Ever since then I have this thing about pears that I can't shake. Even though we have absolutely loved every other flavor of the Sonoma Sparkler line it has taken me five months to finally drink this soda because of the cursed pear.

I was a fool. This sparkling juice is better than anyone could have ever expected. Yes, this would surprise even pear enthusiasts. The way the pears mix in with the apples is spectacular. They become a Ying and Yang of fruit juices. Neither overpowers the other. They just live in harmony. With no sweeteners added this is nothing but carbonation and juice, which makes it an unbeatable healthy force.

I have faced my fears. I came out with an armful of snakes and I didn't scream and pass out like that baby Pee Wee. In fact, I'm ready to head back in to save some more.

If you're looking for bold flavors, then look elsewhere. If you're looking for something mild with some health benefits that will help curb your hunger then here you go. It has a light citrus flavor that if you concentrate enough does in fact taste kind of like mangos and tangerines.

I'd like to hire Dustin Hoffman's character from Rainman to count how many chia seeds are actually in this drink. I'm guessing at least three thousand, but it's hard to tell. I'd say this is 55% liquid and 45% seed. You get hundreds of seeds in your mouth with every sip, but if you try to chew them, they just slip right around your teeth. It's a fun little game.

Before I knew there was a “proper” way to cut up a mango I would just go into them like a savage. By the end of my feasting I would have sticky juice dripping from my face and hands, and I would have strings of mango pulp stuck in my teeth. I looked like a wolf that had just torn apart its prey, except instead of blood and gore I had juice and pulp. The fruit turns me into a wild thing. Now that I know there is a way to cut it to make it easier and cleaner, I feel like I have finally been domesticated and in turn sophisticated. I am now a grown ass man.

This juice starts off very similar to what my savagery tasted like. Then it suddenly takes a weird direction. You can differentiate the added sugar from the natural kind. It also has a weird aftertaste that I can't place. It certainly doesn't taste like it should be a part of any sort of fruit. I don't get it and I don't appreciate its presence. I just want pure mango juice, and I knew this wasn't that, but I hoped it would be closer than it turned out to be.

Well I just find this amusing. Fresca in the US is a low calorie soda. While there are other flavors the “normal” or original flavor is grapefruit. That's not funny at all on it's own. What makes it interesting is that normally pop from Mexico is made with cane sugar, yet for this well known “diet” grapefruit soda they decided to sweeten their version with high fructose corn syrup. Way to take things in t'other direction.

It tastes just like a non-diet American Fresca would. It's a smooth grapefruit soda. That is slightly blended with orange and lemon. Those other fruits help to minimize the harshness of its contemporaries like Squirt. It's got a nice flavor and due to them being smart asses and using a different sweetener that isn't low calories, makes me have a bit of respect for them. That alone makes me give this a slightly higher rating.

First there was 8 Minute Abs. Then the great 7 Minute Abs was thought of by a lonely hitchhiker. That self same hitchhiker then assured us that 6 Minute Abs could never exist, due to science. Years later the world is bombarded with 5-Hour Energy shots. They always seemed a bit scary to me. Time shouldn't be able to be so concentrated into a little bottle. Finally everything has come together in one plastic container of Zum XR. The contents of this bottle will slowly release both caffeine and electrolytes over a 5 hour period. Think of how many sets of 7 Minute Abs you could do in that time. The caffeine will keep you going and the electrolytes will keep you hydrated. It's a win-win situation and by my calculations you'll have a month and a half's worth of ab workouts in one afternoon. Who's going to argue that science?

The functionality of this drink is right on the money. I drank one before I went to the gym and I ended up working out longer, and didn't feel as worn out by the end. I also didn't feel jittery at all. The problem is in the science of the flavor. It's not grosssauce, but it does taste like watered down mandarin orange juice, with a bit of functionality weirdness in the aftertaste. It's not something I would drink for the flavor, but it's not bad compared to other poison tasting drinks that promise a somewhat similar functionality.

On another note, it says it shake the bottle to “unleash” the power of the energy beads that are in it (aka the cupcake sprinklesque tiny balls that are on the bottom). No matter how much I shook it I couldn't get them to exist in the bottle, except at the bottom. By the time I got to the end of the drink I got a mouthful of the little guys and I could see how that could be a turn off for some people. So keep that in mind.

I can only hope beyond hope that the folks from the Amsterdam based band Vengaboys moved to Italy, took all of the money they made from their hit single We Like to Party (The Vengabus) and started a functional beverage company. I seriously don't think I've thought about that band in at least 15 years, but as soon as I read the name of this company that damn song was instantly stuck in my head.

I mean this drink would totally fit into their wheelhouse, right? After all that time riding around in the Vengabus, partying all the time, they would need to just kick back and relax sometimes. The problem is EVERYONE knows about the Vengabus, so as soon as they see it they instantly switch into party mode. As a result the members of the band needed to lock themselves in the backroom of the bus and get a little herbal aid. Not pot you savage. The Vengaboys are a wholesome group that only drink copious amounts of alcohol, but it's legal, so it's fine…€¦wait they are from Amsterdam…€¦hmm. Okay when they are at home maybe they use other herbal aids, but when on tour they stick to drinks like this.

This has a nice smooth taste. You mostly get pink grapefruit out of it, but the grape and orange and maybe the tea help to mellow out the acidity of it. On the opposite side of the spectrum all of the juices help to negate the bitterness that is normally associated with white tea. It all works together wonderfully.

So not only does this drink help to chill you out (but not make you sleepy) it also does it in a way that tastes great and doesn't leave you with any sort of medicinal/herbal aftertaste. You hang out in the back of the bus for a hundred miles or so and then you're ready to party again from New York to San Francisco and wherever else your dancing dreams may take you.

Kiki darling, I simply could not eat a single pancake more. Why whatever are we to do with all of these buckets of left over maple syrup? Don't give me that look. I have already eaten 37 of them, and they were all slathered with the delicious syrup you bought, but I simply could not eat another bite. To make matters worse the syrup is in open buckets for some strange reason, and we haven't a thing to cover them. The rodents that run rampant on our palatial estate will devour it for certain and I can't bear to see it go to waste in such a manner.

Wait, why don't we water it down with some…€¦well water and then we can store it in those ridiculous jugs your brother keeps bringing home. I don't care if it's buy a jug to take home down at the mead pub, those things are ridiculous, and until now useless. Hmm. Maple water is all fine and dandy, but I think we may have watered it down a bit too much. There is only the faintest tinge of maple in the flavor, but it does give it a nice sweetness. How about we add some of those blueberries you picked, but forgot to put on my pancakes? Oh well that made it a great deal better. It now tastes like a watered down lightly sweetened blueberry juice. I wish the blueberry flavor was a bit stronger, but we did have to spread it though all of these dumb jugs. I have no real complaints about it though. I bet the townfolks would love to try some. Why don't you go take a few jugs down to them? Oh and Kiki, you're the best helper monkey ever.

With each sip I grow more uncertain as to whether I should review this or not. It's not the flavor. That is nice and pineappley as it should be. It tastes like it was squeezed right from the fruit, but somehow a lot of the acidity was lost. My concern is that this can has so many chunks of pineapple in it that I no longer know if I can refer to it as a drink. When the ratio of physical fruit to juice is tipped to the fruit side, is it still a drink? Is the juice instead a vehicle to keep the pineapple “fresh?” I like fruit chunks in my drink, but this is just out of control.

I'm a bit out of season at this point with this drink, but it got lost in the piles of beverages that make up a majority of the room that was once a kitchen in my house. In reality things haven't gotten that out of control, but a large portion of my fridge, several cupboards and a shelf have all been claimed by Thirsty Dudes “to be reviewed” drinks. As you can imagine drinks do often get forgotten in the “shuffle.”

Now that I am finally getting around to drinking this, I'm a bit bummed that I didn't drink it sometime last year (2-3 months ago for those of you reading this in future times. Do hoverboards exist yet? I really hope so. I've already been waiting on those things for decades.). On a nice unseasonably warm fall day this would have been quite fitting. Not so much on a blustery January evening. I feel like I should be walking around a park with a dog and picking up sticks for the fallen leaves for the dog to play fetch with. The idea of wearing only a hoodie and jeans is like a dream now. I fear my fingers may succumb to frostbite as I type this. Anyway, it would be a nice Sunday afternoon, the sun will be bright in the sky, my dog companion will be having the time of his life, not knowing that cold fronts that will soon be moving in, and I'd be sipping on this little bottle of spiced goodness.

This is sweet and has more milk in it than any serious coffee drinker would like. Lucky for me I am not a serious coffee drinker, so I enjoyed it a bit. The pumpkin spice isn't very strong, and also isn't very pumpkin like. It tastes like someone added half of a shot of chai to some iced coffee. It's good I like it. My imaginary dog also liked it when he thought it was the stick and jumped at me, thus knocking it out of my hand in the made up scenario in my head. Dr. Leo Marvin you sure are an annoying dog sometimes. Just for that I shall not take you sailing with me in my upcoming imagined vacation.

I woke up feeling like complete garbage today. It was strange though, as I didn't feel sick at all. My head felt fine. I wasn't stuffy, or have any sort of cold. My body just felt like it had gotten the ever-loving crap beat out of it last night. That way I felt is what I imagine having a hangover is like, well minus the headache. I didn't do anything crazy last night. I just hung out with some people at a friend's house and drank a single can of ginger beer. I didn't eat any junk food or anything. I have no idea what brought on the fake hell my body didn't really go through, but I was paying for it. I remembered that some of my friends drink coconut water to help them rehydrate and work through their real hangovers so I decided to give it a try.

This is only the second flavor of Vita Coco we have reviewed, and “That is shocking!” The other one was the first coconut water we reviewed, and I didn't realize that it had to be drunken ice cold. I gave it an absolutely terrible review. I really need to go back and re-review that. I didn't know how to drink it properly and my distaste was my fault, not the drinks. While I'm still not an enormous fan of coconut water, I don't mind them at all now. This one I find particularly enjoyable. It's just coconut water, passion fruit and pineapple puree. 2/3 of the ingredients in this bottle are some of my favorite flavors in the world, so it's got that going for it. It is still primarily coconut water though. The fruit are there only as light splashes of flavor. They do not overpower or ruin the integrity of the beverage.

I downed this carton. I laid down for about 45 minutes and when I got up I felt pretty close to normal. I guess I really was dehydrated. I wonder what in the world caused that. I now know that coconut water is the cure for those sorts of ailments though.

Would you look at that face? That is the face of a child who just opened her birthday presents and she is not happy with the results. All she wanted was a classic blonde 1972 Fender Telecaster bass and instead what she got was a brand new knock off that looks like a toy. To add insult to injury it was also fretless…€¦ick. Well at least her parents got her a case of orange and cream soda. Orange cream is her favorite soda flavors and only the sweet, sweet flavor of creamsicle soda will right this evil that has been put upon her. What the hell is this? This one is certainly not her parent's fault. It's labeled orange and cream, but this doesn't taste the way she wants it to. Neither the orange, nor the vanilla cream tastes are right, and together they taste nothing like a melted creamsicle. It's like they took garbage generic orange pop and put in the smallest hint of vanilla that is just not pulling its weight. In fact it tastes more like a generic sweet soda flavor than anything. That's it. She's just turned two and this little girl already knows this is the worst birthday that has and will ever exist. She might as well burn the house down.

I've had my fair share of these drinks, and this is probably the best tasting of the bunch. It has a generic fake orange flavor to it with a hint of ginger (no burn) that tries to fight the fake sugar taste that lingers at the end. The fact that it is non-carbonated only helps. It goes down smooth, and it serves its function.

For once my issue with a functional beverage isn't with the flavor, it's with the name. I really have no idea why I have never questioned it before, but why is this company called Celsius? What does that have to do with eliminated calories? I mean I get that they are trying to tie it in with burning calories, and flames are hot and Celsius is a unit of measurement for temperature. It just seems like there has to be something more behind it, and I want to know what it is. There's more to this story, and the ex-reporter in me wants to find out what it is. The ex-15-year-old in me couldn't care less and just wants to go and play video games until his friends call. Guess who's going to win out?