Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

I find it really strange that in a post-apocalyptic world not many people actually died. I mean maybe 27% of the population is no longer with us, which is tragic, but from all of the comics I've read I would have expected it to be maybe a couple of thousand people left at the most. I guess all of the little amounts of radiation we used in microwaves and cell phones acted like a flu shot of sorts. The strangest thing is that most of the water has been destroyed. One company controls all of the pure water that is left in the world. They are called Omega Water. Sure there are some mutated waters roaming the countryside, but the radiation left them all carbonated and unrefreshing.

To be fair Omega Water isn't pure water like we remember it from the before time. The nuclear war left this water source chock full of water and minerals, including the ever elusive omega-3. I guess their name has two meanings...clever. I personally like this fruit version. It tastes like someone took a pestle and mortar to some children's vitamins and mixed in that fine powder with the water. It tastes like water with faint fruitiness. Fruitiness is now an acceptable word in these end times. Get used to it.

I can't believe a year has passed already. The happiest time of the year is upon us again. The week when the local ice cream parlor has apple flavored soft serve. I dream about this moment all year long. The way the apple compliments the ice cream is astounding. Seriously it haunts my dreams on lonely February nights. I've tried making it myself but it never turns out right. Actually it's usually down right disgusting when I try to make it. What's that I've been rambling on for so long that my ice cream has melted all over my shoes? Dagnabbit! Looks like the dog is in for a treat. No time for napkins, I'll just like the melted mess off of my hands while you order me another. Hmmm this tastes exactly like that apple milk they has down at the Asian market. It's creamy and appley. The apple is on the verge of tasting like sour apple, but it doesn't go quite that far. I wonder if I mixed some of that in with my ice cream if it will taste as good as it does here. That would be wonderful wouldn't it? To be able to have this wonderful flavor all year 'round would be a dream. What's that, my second one has melted? I really must learn to shut up.

It's a tough life protecting the city. Who has time to sleep these days with all of the crime going on? Korporal Kangaroo? That guys is a joke. He runs and hides whenever evil rears its ugly head. It's 7:43am and I bet that joker is still curled up in his bed under a mountain of covers. Me, I haven't had more than a few minutes of sleep at a time for the past 17 months. How do I do it? I'm glad you asked. I had the boys in the lab mix me up a batch of potent energy juice. I used to rely on Red Bull, but when I found out that El Torro was the head of the company I just had to stop. I will not support villainy is any form be it crime of commerce. I knew I needed something made by super heroes for super heroes.

The boys named it Hero. What can I say they are terrible at branding, but are geniuses with science and technology? Not only is it potent, but it's also small so I can keep a couple hidden in my cowl during my patrols. It's also the least toxic tasting "non all natural" energy shot I've ever tasted and I've tried them all. It still tastes like chemical berries, but not like radiated chemical berries.

Now I must up my vigilance to help keep these streets safe for lady liberty!

This tastes like you took a perfectly good natural peach mango soda and watered it down with soda water. The peach and mango flavors are still there, but they're not as prevalent as you would like it to be. On the brighter side of things you're not consuming as much sugar as you would have been. If I had a choice I would have chosen more flavor and dealt with the extra sugar. I understand what Wegmans is doing here, but after tasting their 100% sparkling juices this just leaves me wanting more.

My ladyfriend and I just went on a decent bike ride. The destination was a waterfall out in a park. When I was little my grandfather took me to the park to play, search for crayfish and to go fishing all the time. The waterfall and people jumping off of it always intrigued me, but then some people died. Since then it has been embedded in my mind that if I jumped I would die. It was so ingrained in my brain that even when I returned as an adult I was filled with a feeling of dread. I'm not one to shy away from cliff or waterfall jumping, but this was my exception.

We went there today just as a destination and some kids were jumping. I decided it was time that I actually faced my fear and I went for it. It was fun. It wasn't all that high, but getting to the jumping spot was a bit tricky. I jumped swam to shore victorious and then hopped on my bike and rode back. That's right waterfall, I beat you and then went home like it was no big deal.

Now I'm back at my place and I need some energy and replenishment. Odwalla sent us a couple bottles of their new flavor, and now seemed like as good a time as any to give it a try. The first thing I have to say is that bananas are one of the most potent flavors ever, and I don't like them. They cut through all most of the flavors in this drink. It was like a mango banana cocktail. It wasn't as horrible as it could be, but it was still noticeable. Also, because this is a protein drink it was pretty chalky. I have now finished the bottle and I really feel like I need to brush my teeth. There is a slight chalky film all over the inside of my mouth.

My story really had nothing to do with this drink, but I just wanted to rub it in that stupid waterfall's nose a little bit more. I'm alive. I win. You're just running water. You lose.

You just rocked the pants off of Buffalo, NY. After playing in front of 30 people in the basement of 99 Custer, no one can dispute that you are now truly a rock star. All of the fame and riches are now yours for the taking. Now if only there was a drink out there marketed just for you that could bring your energy level back up to the top. Look no further my shredding friend because there is in fact an energy drink just for you and it's called Rockstar.

Like most "classic" energy drinks this tastes like liquefied candy. They all have their specific candy and this one falls under the category of Pixie Stix. That's right you too can have a drink that tastes like a bunch of chemicals that has 80 little paper straws of sugar dumped into it, and you don't have to worry about the fizz over. I always say that energy drinks taste like chemicals and they do, but after you have one or two, you develop a taste for them, which is very strange. Oh well, you better pack up your gear, tomorrow you're off to Lakewood, OH to play the Soggy Dog House!

Franklin Mercer has been sick for quite awhile. His wife Sharon has been up for the past three nights. Franklin is so congested that he can hardly breathe and what little breath he has comes out in the loudest snores you've ever heard. She's begged and pleaded but he's so darn stubborn and won't take medicine. To fix her problem Sharon and I have mixed up this little concoction to trick him into getting better.

If there's one thing Franklin loves it's soda pop. He drinks it all the livelong day. I suggested that we slip a little Vicks Vapo Rub into his soda in order to get him well. Yes I know you're not supposed to ingest it, but every time we try to rub it on his body he wakes up and freaks out. It's like waking someone with night terrors. I'm surprised I don't have a black eye. Sharon said her family has a secret recipe of mixing a bunch of buds and needles from spruce trees and boiling it down to make a syrup that will fix you right up. The problem is we're on vacation out in Arizona and there isn't a proper tree to be found anywhere. As a substitute she decided to mix in a pine scented tree air freshener that she found at the gas station. I don't know how they are equals, but she assures me it will do in a pinch. We boiled it all down, mixed it in with his Sprite and here we go.

Lucky for us his nose is so stuffed up because the smell of this stuff is intense. I can't believe he's drinking it. The cold must also be effecting his taste buds. I took a little sip earlier to make sure it wasn't poison, and it tasted like I had bathes in Vapo Rub and then decided to lick the sap from a tree. I couldn't get more than a little sip down, Franklin just chugged the whole bottle. Here's to hoping it clears up his nasal passages!

The diet soda world improved greatly when rebiana and stevia were introduced as sweeteners. I can hardly stomach pop that is sweetened with aspartame or sucralose. It tastes so grossly artificial. It's robot food, and no matter what anyone says I am not a robot.

Sans did a decent job with this root beer. You can definitely tell that it's a diet drink, but it's not overpowering. I could do with a stronger root beer taste. The way it is now tastes watered down, but I would take that any day over an artificially sweetened variety. If you are looking to eat/drink healthier, but you just can't give up soda this is the product for you.

There is a very fine line between crust punks and hippies. Seriously there are so many similarities; dirty, smelly, anti-job, and they both like getting messed up. One of the differences is that hippies prefer weed and hallucinogenics, while crust punks prefer alcohol...oh who am I kidding? They will take anything that will get them messed up. Another difference is that most hippies like to relax and "chill to the groove," while every traveling crust punk I've ever known has been obsessed with coffee. Seriously coffee non-stop. I am hereby requesting that for their coffee line Marley's changes their name to either Discharge or Crass.

I was halfway through this bottle before I questioned whether or not it was a relaxation drink. I know the idea of a relaxation coffee is ridiculous, but I was working and I had a shirt order I needed to get done, so falling asleep just wasn't in the cards. It, of course, is not a relaxation drink. It's a regular coffee drink. Maybe regular is wrong, because I am not a fan of coffee per say, but I think this is incredible. That could be because it tastes more like chocolate than coffee, but that's exactly how a good mocha should be. This tastes exactly like what my friend Nina makes me at her place of employment (minus the peanut butter). I seriously love it, but I would love it more if it was called Crass' Systematic Death Mocha.

Back in my formative years I went to camp for a week every summer. It was for my cousin's church and it was a bit weird, but still a learning experience and fun at times. While there snacks and gum were the ultimate contraband. Of course that meant that I was going to sneak in as much as I possibly could. I mean I had a rebel image I had to uphold. Wait did I say rebel, I meant extreme nerd. There was one summer when I knew I was getting braces put on in the fall, so I was chewing as much gum as I possibly could before it would get all gunked up in my new bionic facial features. I've never been a huge fan of mint, so that summer I smuggled in well over 30 packs of Extra bubble gum. I secretly chewed gum every second that I wasn't eating, sleeping or brushing my teeth. It was seriously out of hand.

If you combined all of the gum I chewed in that week and make a soda out of it, this would be it. Okay not really, but the flavor made me think of all that jaw work I did. This tastes like candy bubblegum, but it's more in the aftertaste than in the actual flavor. While it's in your mouth, it just tastes like sugary soda water. It's when you swallow and then breath through your mouth that the bubble gum flavor pops up and says "ello."

To be honest this is way too sugary for me. It has 48 grams of sugar per serving, which seems pretty insane. I really don't think this was made for adults, and I don't blame them. If someone handed this to me when I was a kid I'd be all over it. Now I could only get down about 1/3 of the bottle before going into a sugar coma.

It's been a long day at the gym. I'm a sweaty mess and I'm also exhausted. What can I say sometimes you just need to juice your pecs. Did you see me in there though? I was benching so much that it could have been a beached whale. No not that one that blew up all over some Asian city when they were trying to transport it. That was insane and disgusting. Why would you bring that up? Seriously, you're the "bar tender" at the gym juice bar. Is that you're opening line to make conversation with patrons? If so you really need to work on it.

So what would you recommend that I drink at a time like this? Muscle Milk? Sounds disgusting. You know that milk is basically blood and pus right? Ugh. Seriously are you trying to make me sick here? Is that how you get people to lose weight in this establishment? Oh they have a water version that is raspberry flavored? I guess I'll take one of those. Hmmm it tastes like a diet Vitamin Water with a little milk mixed in. This is really weird. It's basically water, juice and whey protein. Flavor-wise they either need to ditch the sucralose or the whey. Both are needed for their formula, so I guess it's what we're stuck with. I don't hate this, but I can't see drinking it every time I come to this gym. Wait...what? This isn't a gym? This is just the basement of a construction site? Then why are you serving drinks? Stop looking at me like I'm insane!

Diet death. That is what in encased in this bottle. It is chock full of tons of things that are good for you, and that probably wouldn't taste all that bad, but then it's completely overloaded with sucralose. I've learned to accept sucralose in moderation, but it's so prevalent in this drink that I just can't handle it. It definitely has a grape and apple taste, but that stupid artificial sweetener gets in there and just messes it all up for everyone. Well everyone that has taste buds. On top of all that it is a neon teal color that has nothing to do with either of the fruits represented. It actually looks like toxic waste, just the way it tastes.

This just may be the best berry tea I have ever had. It may have an unfair advantage as they call it a "juice drink" and not a tea. It tastes like they created an incredible mixture of blackberry, raspberry and hibiscus and then combined one part of that with one part of black tea. Most flavored teas are mostly tea with a little flavoring and a whole lot of sugar. In this drink the fruit juice seems more important than the tea. It works well.

The label says it's "light sweet," but truth be told it's pretty darn sweet. I have no problem with it, as I said it tastes incredible. If I was looking for a tea that wasn't very sweet and I got this I would be in for a surprise. Other than that this is a top notch drink that I hope catches on in a big way. Also between the company name and the stripes on the bottle I feel like it should be served at a circus. I'm not putting my head in a lion's mouth again though. I'll tell you that for free.

The other flavor of Sipp I had was absolutely incredible. It was one of the best beverages that I have come across in my time here at Thirsty Dudes. With this one they missed the mark a bit.

I love cherries and cherry flavored things. I am not a huge fan of black cherry beverages. I also love berries, all kinds including blackberries, which happen to be my favorite. This drink doesn't taste so much like blackberries as it does a black cherry version of a berry. I don't mean it tastes like black cherry, but whatever the difference is between a regular cherry and a black cherry is what is happening to this berry. I wonder if it's the mint interfering with the blackberry. At first I didn't think I could taste mint, but when I think about it there is a flavor that very well might be the mint. The lime? The lime is fine. It's right where it should be.

I'd like to try this without the mint. I think I would really like it then. Now it's just kind of there. It's not good or bad like uncooked celery.

I finally got my big break. I got cast as Oscar Wilde in the Hollywood blockbuster "Goin' Wilde." I don't understand why the writer felt the need to create of a story where Oscar Wilde and Gene Wilder are college roommates, but really who am I to complain. I heard that Mel Brooks was even going to have a cameo. This is truly exciting.

I feel I must get into my role. No Labatt or Budweiser for me tonight. I guess I'll try the Rosehip drink. That sounds like something good ol' Oscar would drink. Okay bartender, your job is to serve me my drink not to criticize me for my choice of drink. I am an actor! I must become my role!

Hmm this doesn't taste at all flowery like I expected. It actually kind of tastes like a watered down acai juice, but it's still thick. If the flavor was stronger I would think it was a concentrate, but as it is if I added water it wouldn't taste like anything. It's decent, but not something I would expect to drink in a bar. I would probably drink this with breakfast. What's that barkeep? Oscar Wilde was a drunk? I never knew! What was his drink of choice? Absinthe? Oh looks like I'm in for a "Wilde" night. I know it was a stupid joke. Now let me drink in peace. Go clean some glasses or something.

I didn't realize until today that there is no direct route from my new apartment to downtown via bike. I should have figured that out before I had 20 minutes to reach my destination. I rode fast and I rode hard, and I was only one minute late. Not too shabby, but exhausting. I'm glad I brought a drink with me, specifically a drink this large.

It has a decent tea taste with a lot of sugar (hey it's sweet tea it's supposed to have copious amounts of sugar, if you have a problem with us then drink something unsweetened). I was actually shocked when I saw it was sweetened with HFCS. It doesn't taste like it, nor does it have the consistency. It's not the best sweet tea I've ever had, but for a drink that comes in a tall boy it's pretty darn good.

Stop your complaining Mark. You drew the short straw so you have to go to the store for snacks. You're not going to be able to go to the corner store either. We have some needs and they must be filled. You're going to have to go to the Co-Op for this. I need 20lbs of raw almonds. Don't get that roasted garbage. I need them raw. Also pick up a few things of cane sugar. Yes by things I mean canes. "Canes of cane sugar" just sounds dumb. Okay fine. Canes of sugar. There, are you happy? Oh yeah and get a couple of bottles of seltzer water. I'm going to make you guys the best almond soda you've ever had. What's that Mark it's going to cost over $100 for all of that stuff? I thought you were a master thief? Can't you just lift it for us? Oh you got caught last week at Coldstone Creamery? What were you stealing there, wait, I don't want to know. Fine be a party pooper, just pick us up a sixer of Red Ribbon's Almond Cream. It probably tastes better than what I was going to make anyways. Their soda tastes extremely almondy, but without tasting like almond extract. That should be like $5. Oh and you can pay for it too. Deal with it.

Members of the board, we are in crisis mode. Sales for cranberry juice have plummeted. Our whole urinary track mega cleanse could only take us so far, and now with this "Super Fruit" craze going on the world is grabbing for pomegranate and acai drinks. We have very literally been left in the dust. Who cleans those supermarket shelves anyways? If that wasn't bad enough, with all the garbage going on in the world, no one has anything to be thankful for, so our November rush looks like it's going to be a bust.

Drastic measures need to be taken, so in my own time I developed a new juice for us. It's still cranberry based, but I've added blueberries (a super fruit for all the trend jumpers) and blackberries (the most delicious fruit known to man). It still has the tart bite of our classic cranberry juice, but it also has a wave of sweetness, and is bursting with flavor. I think it's safe to say that for all of us here this company is a labor of love. We have sworn an oath to the cranberry and we will stand by it. Hopefully this tasty mixture will turn others onto our cause, or at least get us through the next financial quarter.

As one can see from reading our reviews, we often compare orange water beverages to Tang. What can we say? It's the original and Mike loves the stuff. He always had a huge container of the powder in his cupboard when we lived together. He also hated astronauts. It's really a worrisome thing. He walks around making this outrageous claims about how there's going to be a fist fight on the fateful day he runs into Neil Armstrong on the street. I really don't get it.

Regardless this does remind me of Tang. It's orange flavored and it's not too thick. It's an old standby in the Vitamin Water world.

Here are two letters:
Dear Western New York Bike Route Maps,
You make it appear as if there are bike paths everywhere. You excite me and make me want to ride to new places. Yesterday I followed your path and rode to Niagara Falls. I need to tell you something very important. Roads with no shoulders that are completely falling apart with potholes larger than the state of Delaware are not bike routes. I thought I was going to flip over and die on several occasions.

Dear Bodegas of Niagara Falls,
Please step up your drink game. I went to several of you and you offered me nothing exciting. Just your everyday chain gas station drinks and generic overpriced soda. I was excited to find something new. I mean you didn't even carry Johnnie Ryan, which is literally made in your back yard. For shame. I ended up picking up a Modjo Life at a 711 in a small town outside of the city. I had rode my bike over 25 miles on a "bike path" that was in complete disrepair with nothing to quench my thirst. I was frazzled, exhausted and parched. This really hit the spot. It was like a grape Gatorade if it were made with real grape juice. So a juice/sports drink hybrid. At first I thought I couldn't taste the pomegranate, but then I remembered that it just tastes like concentrated grape juice to me, and all was well with the universe. This drink helped me to finish my ride home, and it did it in a tasty way.