Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

A lot of the time I feel like we just shouldn't bother reviewing energy shots. The reason being is that even the best of them taste like a mouthful of pesticide. This just happens to be one of the best of them, so it tastes like pineapple pesticide. You know the kind they only use in Hawaii. I was a huge fan of the "drink" version of this product, so I had high hopes that this was going to be the messiah of energy shots. Nope. It still tastes harsh and like you got your hands on something as a child that really should have a childproof cap on it, but it's been sitting on the shelf since the 70's, before those caps existed. This was a valiant effort, Cintron, but I just don't think it's possible to do what you're trying to do. Take it from a scientist.

I drink so much water. So much water. I like it. Nix that. I love it. It's crisp, it's refreshing and it's healthy. Sure I pee an obscene amount, but who cares about that. I've often thought about trying to flavor the water with random things around the house. No not like dirty socks or DVDs. I mean with herbs and spices. Just add a little to give the water a hint of flavor. I then realize I have no idea what I'm doing and that it would probably taste disgusting. No one wants disgusting. Everyone wants tasty.

Rob's has done what I wanted to do, and they've done it correctly. This is water with hibiscus, orange peel, ginger, cinnamon and cloves. I eat the foods of many cultures. That's right, I eat pasta as well as tacos. Seriously though I drink a lot of drinks, but I also like trying foods. I'm not one to say that something tastes exotic, but that is exactly how I would describe this. It's so simple yet complex at the same time. Flavored water with no sweeteners, just herbs and the like.

It tastes faintly orange, but the cloves and cinnamon stand more towards the front. Not in a gross "oh god I have a mouth full of spices" way, but in a pleasant exotic way. If you like unsweetened drinks with a good amount of flavor listen to Rob's sirens call.

Awhile back I was visiting St Louis on tour, hanging out with my friend Erika. We went to a couple of record shops and then to a little deli. I had a root beer that I was drinking, so I didn't get a beverage, but she insisted on buying me this bottle of Vess, stating that it was her favorite cream soda ever. It is now more than two months later and I finally decided to have a go with it. I can't tell you how many times I planned on drinking this. I would go to the fridge dead set on cracking it open only to pick it up look at it for a few seconds and then put it back on the shelf. I have a big problem with pop that comes in plastic bottles. It's been beaten into my brain that by default they are of a lower quality. It's also sweetened with HFCS, which can give me stomach issues.

I finally made myself drink it the other day on a short road trip to Fredonia, NY. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed it. I expected pure carbonated sugar water with a vague cream soda flavoring, but this is bold and smooth. It's very creamy tasting, the way a good cream soda should be. It also is pink, so it has that ever so slight berry flavoring to it. This has the quality of a soda that should come in a glass bottle. If it had I would have drank it long ago, and given Vess the props they deserve.

Erika has never steered me wrong before in the world of movies and comics. I can now add sodas to that list as well.

Awhile back Derek and I went to DC to be judges in the Glass Packaging Institute's yearly awards. It was ridiculously fun, and it made us seem like professionals and not the idiotic storytellers that we truly are. A smaller 8oz bottle of Q Ginger was in the running, and I loved the design. It was simple, yet striking. It had an embossed Q in the glass on the bottom of the bottle, and that is amazing. Above all of that I wanted desperately to try it, but we couldn't open the bottles. I had seem regular Q around, but this was the first time I had hear of Q Ginger. Disappointed that I couldn't drink it I continued on with my judging.

I recently found this huge bottle of it at a local health food store. Even though it was slightly expensive, I had to pick it up. I mean I do have a responsibility to the site, don't I?

The bottle touts that the bubbly fluid contained within is "A Superior Ginger Ale." That is quite a claim, but I was up for the taste challenge. Last night I had some friends over and I figured what better time to drink a fancy bottle of ginger ale then during a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit. As soon as I started pouring glasses, a strong ginger scent greeted my nostrils. I couldn't wait until I got back out to the "gaming area" so I tasted it right there away from prying eyes. This is indeed a superior ginger ale. First off it's made with actual ginger extract. That already gives it an edge that most companies don't have. It also gives it a little kick and burn, but not as strong as a heavy ginger beer. It's just enough to let you know that you're drinking the real deal. Now any company can use real ginger. What separates Q from the rest is that they use agave as a sweetener. I love agave, and I wished more companies used it. It makes drinks just sweet enough. A lot of times when you drink things that use it, you forget that they are even sweetened, because you're not in fear of losing your teeth.

The combination of the ginger and agave are what make this one of, if not the, best ginger ales I've ever had. It's very crisp and clean, the way I like my non-brown sodas. It's worth the extra money to purchase a beverage of such a high quality.

This drink is good enough that it doesn't need some stupid made up story in its review. If Natalie's knows one thing it's how to make exquisite orange juice. That's right, I said exquisite. This is first and foremost a decently pulpy orange juice of the highest caliber. The company was smart enough to start with an amazing base to their juice. I feel like too many companies depend on the alternate flavorings to carry their products. This could be a straight orange juice and I would love it.

The mango and the peach are there to accentuate the orange flavoring, not to overpower it. If you're looking for a strong mango or peach juice, you should probably look elsewhere, but if you're looking for some of the best orange juice on the market splurge a little and treat yourself to a bottle of this.

In television and the moving pictures when a bunch of dudes go to Vegas there is about a 90% chance that one of them will get drunk/high enough that they end up marrying a complete stranger. I appreciate the humor in that. The episode of The Simpsons in which that scenario happens to Homer and Flanders is top notch. Mainly because Flanders on a bender is hysterical, and second because of all of the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas references.

My question is are the women who are the brides out there looking for someone to marry in some sort of scam, or are they generally just as messed up as the guys? I feel like the girl whose silhouette is on this can is out looking for love, not quick money. She goes out night after night, hitting up all the casinos looking for her match. She knows she's going to be out all night, either looking or gazing into her true love's eyes, so she downs on of these energy drinks. She likes it because it's sugar free, yet it actually tastes decent. It tastes like a diet fruit punch, Hawaiian Punch to be specific. Since it's a fruit punch it doesn't taste overly diet even though it is. It's nice that even though there is an artificial sweetener in the drink, it's way down towards the end of the ingredients list. It keeps her up. It keeps her looking. Her true love is out there somewhere. Let's just hope that he/she is also in Vegas.

When I was in Hawaii a few months back our hotel had a giant water dispenser in the front lobby. For the first two days I didn't bother with it because I thought it was just water and I had my water bottle with me. On the third day Kevyn made me try it. It was water that had various tropical fruits floating in it that flavored the liquid. It was absolutely perfect. It was only faintly flavored, so it was completely refreshing and tasty, basically exactly the right drink to sip on in paradise.

As soon as this hit my lips the flavor brought me right back to my vacation. It tastes exactly the same, except a little sweeter. This is what I want from a flavored water. Too many companies go overboard with their flavor and it looses the water aspect. There is no doubt with this that it is water first and flavor second. I appreciate that. Now I'm going to close my eyes and pretend I'm surfing again.

Crap. Here I am the manager of this drive-in restaurant and my entire staff just walked out on me. I guess 12-hour shifts with no breaks just don't work for some people. I don't care about the law and "workers rights." All I care about is that when we are busy (which we always are thanks to the praise our root beer has gotten) that our customers get taken care of in a polite speedy manner. So here and I am it's nearly the dinner rush, what am I to do? Thanks for the offer little Billy, but you're only 7, and while I'd be happy to put you to work, I don't think you could even carry a tray of food without dropping it. Billy it's just you, the dog and me. That's it, the dog! All he does is sit around all day and watch episodes of The Jetsons. I'm sure he's learned enough from watching Astro to deliver some trays of food. I'm a genius! This will work perfectly as long as the health inspector doesn't stop by.
*10 Minutes Later*
Well that was a catastrophe of epic proportions. Why on Earth did I think the dog could deliver the food? Every time I gave him a tray he would walk away with it, dump in on the ground and eat all the food. That ungrateful mutt. I had to close down the restaurant early. The owner is going to kill me. Oh well I guess I'll drown my sorrows with one of these highly spoken root beers. Hmm it's not bad, but I don't see all of the hubbub. It tastes like a decent classic root beer. I guess it is exactly what I would expect to drink at a drive-in restaurant. I think I'm just spoiled with all my fancy brews at home. Oh well it's free and it's decent so bottles up you non-Astro mongrel.

Lets see, what do I have left to drink in the fridge? Man all I have left is 1/4 of a bottle of pineapple ginger juice and 3/4 of a bottle of green tea. I think we're all good with math and know what needs to happen. Combine them in one bottle and shake vigorously. This tastes pretty good. It's definitely mostly green tea, but the pineapple shines through a bit. It makes it sweet, but not candy-like. There is also the faintest hint of ginger. This is really a drink that everyone can enjoy. A lot of drinks with ginger in them are strong with a burn. While I love that, and wish this drink had a bit of a burn, I also understand that it's a turn off for a lot of people. This would be really marketable. I need to call Cintron and pitch this idea to them. I bet they would love it.

You! Hey you there! Look at me when I'm talking to you. I'm not only talking to you, but I'm pointing directly at you. There you go you big oaf. Yes I'm on the bottle label. You're a quick one aren't ya? I need you to do something for me. Why should you help me? Well how often do you find yourself being spoken to by a drawing of a effeminate man on the label of a bottle of soda? That should be reason enough. No I won't tell you my back-story of how I ended up on this label. I've told it to a thousand people at least and I'm tired of telling it.

You see the thing is I'm here on this label telling you to "Drink Moxie" and normally that's not a problem, but this time I have an issue because I have no idea what Blue Cream tastes like. How can I go around telling people to drink this when I've never tasted it? The thing is I'm contractually bound. No I still won't tell you the rest. Just describe the darn soda to me!

Okay, so you're telling me it tastes like a candied cream soda. Not like the classy brewed ones that taste super creamy and have a super strong vanilla taste. So this still taste like vanilla, but with a bunch of sugar in it. What else? Oh it has a slight berry flavor to it. Well golly how would I ever have guessed that. You must have went to one of those fancy learnin' schools. I would have never guessed that in a million years! Get out of here! You're worthless to me!

Did you know that the only things that vegans consume are leaves and bark? It's true, just ask Derek. When a vegan works up a hunger they scamper out into the woods and fill up their satchel with some nice leaves and bark. Then they bring them home and make a nice sandwich out of them. Don't worry they aren't murderers; they only eat the leaves on the ground and the bark from fallen or dead trees.

Okay that may have been stretching the truth, but I have had basically that conversation verbatim with a woman in a restaurant before. She really believed everything I mentioned above to be true. Some people are just complete idiots.

While vegans don't solely consume those things, there are people out there who eat sticks. I know because all three of us here at Thirsty Dudes did just that a couple of weeks ago. We were in a local natural foods store and on the counter they had a jar of licorice sticks. They were exactly that: sticks from a licorice plant. We were interested. We each bought one and chewed on them for about a half hour. It was actually tasty until they started falling apart in our mouths.

This tea tastes like someone brewed some black tea, added a whole lot of milk and sugar and then drank it while chewing on one of those sticks. There are a whole bunch of other herbs in it as well, but all I can taste in the licorice and I like it....a lot.

It's really great that the pharmaceutical industry has finally stepped up their flavor game for cough medicine. For years it was always cherry, grape or the occasional orange. Now they have finally come out with a pomegranate flavor to get with the times. Oh what's that? This isn't cough medicine, but rather an energy shot? Well that's unfortunate, because it tastes like medicine.

Energy shots by nature are gross, because it's all the chemicals concentrated. It is due to that, that this gets three bottles. If this was a normal energy drink I probably would have given it a one. This does not taste good, but it works, and the pomegranate blocks the chemical taste slightly...I guess.

My ladyfriend's parents went on vacation awhile back and they brought me a couple or rad looking drinks. They were in glass bottles with burlap, rope and ribbons glued to them. They looked incredible and my mind raced with what type of sodas may be encased. I imagined they were some local pop that the residents of that tropical isle made with fresh fruit and love....lots of love. When I cut off the burlap I was a bit disappointed to see that it was only a Goya grape soda. I have nothing against Goya, but I can find then at a variety of grocery stores around Buffalo. As a result this has sat on my "To Drink" shelf for a few months. Today I decided its day had come.

It tastes exactly like you would expect it too. It has the classic grape soda flavor that is somewhere between melted candy and melted freezie pops. If you were expecting something that tasted more like natural grapes, you would be disappointed. Since it tastes exactly like I expected I am fine with it and I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Esteemed members of the board I'm here today to present to you the newest in our line of energy drinks. Are you tired of the same garbage companies have been flooding the market with for years? Yes, the world gets in energy drinks typically taste like liquid Smarties. I think people want something new, something that will shake things up a little bit. It was that thought process that led me to creating this. Ladies and Gentlemen of the board I am proud to unveil our new line of energy drinks "High Energy Drink" or HED for short. The kids like shorter names. I think it has something to do with the internet and television rotting their brains. As I pour you each a can let me explain to you that this "isn't your dad's energy drink." This is new and exciting. It's an energy drink that has the light taste of berry ginger ale. We're also going to advertise that it's made with taurine. That should excite the kids. Now if everyone would drink up and write one sentence on the 3x5 card that's in front of you with your opinions on the drink, I'd love to get some anonymous feedback.

Okay everyone's done and the cards are in. Let's see what you thought. These all basically say the same thing. While this tastes pretty good it doesn't taste like ginger ale at all, and what it does taste like is a fairly standard liquid candy energy drink taste with a slight berry flavor. Also, a couple of you wrote that I'm an idiot and that 99% of all energy drinks are made with taurine. Thanks for crushing my dreams guys. I just wanted to make something new and exciting and you've gone and ruined it for me. Too bad this has already gone into production and I can't tweak the recipe. Well I guess I better re-enroll in clown college.

Son do you know what science is? It's magic harnessed by man. That's right, science is magic that man can control. Ya dig? The Man doesn't want us to know it though. They want to think that magic doesn't exist. They want us to think science is something different, but I got the proof man, and it's in this can! Taste this and just try to tell me that this flavor wasn't made by magic. Just try! Alright now that we both agree that it's got an incredible mix of orange and pineapple, look at the can. What does it say there? "Fusion." That's science man. This can is both science and magic, so it proves that they are one and the same. The thing is that it's too powerful for us to handle in large doses, so they have to distribute it in these little cans. How am I supposed to make a makeshift bowl out of that little thing? The Man is keeping me down again.

Maude, those darn bears are at it again. Last night they got into our cherry storeroom and all but cleaned it out. I think there was maybe one case of cherries that they didn't get to. The completely devoured the rest. I'm talking fruit, stems, seeds and all. There was just cherry juice smeared everywhere. Apparently that wasn't enough for them, because they then broke into the root beer storeroom in the next building over. I didn't know bears liked root beer, but I guess if they were going to you're brew would be the way to go honey. That latest batch tasted so dark in the best way possible. It's just nice and bold tasting. I mean we do live out in the country so a root beer made out here should taste that way.

Sorry I got distracted. Back to the bears. They got into the root beer room as I said, and they thrashed five of your barrels. I know how hard you worked on that soda Maude, and I'm sorry. I did tell you that we needed a new door on the room though. There is this one barrel that they left half empty. Ugh there is cherry juice all over it. This is going to be a pain to clean up. WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAUDE? DON'T DRINK THAT! BEARS DON'T USE STRAWS OR CUPS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS ON THEIR PAWS MAUDE? POOP AND DIRT AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE! SHUT UP AND TASTE IT? ARE YOU CRAZY?!!?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE!??!?!?!

*Maude comes back with a cup half full of mashed up cherries a few moments later. She opens another barrel of root beer and fills the cup the rest of the way.*

Wait this is delicious. Those bears are on to something! This is like 75% root beer and 25% cherry juice, and you can tell it's fresh. If we filter out the chunks we could definitely market this. It's seriously incredible. Bless those bears and their ingenuity. Oh and Maude I'm not kissing you until you go to a doctor. I bet you're all sorts of crudded up with disease from that bear root beer.

Real fruit juice? Check.
No sugar added? Check.
Fortified with vitamins? Check.

There's really not much to say about this drink other than it's great. It doesn't promise much, but it delivers everything it says it does. If Izze is one thing it is that they are truth tellers. Liars need not apply at their company. I appreciate that and I appreciate this drink. It tastes like clementines mixed in with a handful of white grapes. It's also crazy how sweet this is without any added sugar. Further proof that most companies are dumb, or don't use real fruit juice.

Something must have gone terribly awry at ye olde apple orchard. You see I have this can of Celsius fitness drink that was made from the harvest of the orchard and it tastes like the entire orchard was marinated in pesticides, or that it was stewing in napalm. Perhaps this is actually made from the soil of the orchard that old apples had rotted in to. No I think it's actually apples covered in napalm. You see this has only the faintest apple taste to it. I think that might even be a stretch. In a blind taste test I would never in a million years be able to pick out that this is supposed to be apple flavored. It literally tastes like poison, like I'm drinking some fluid that is supposed to go in a car, but someone has apple artificial sweetener to it. I can't believe I finished the can earlier. I just needed to keep up the energy so Mike and I could talk all night scheming of what our plan of attack would be if we ever made it on to the TV show "Take the Money and Run." I bet we could totally get away with it. We're crafty and being imprisoned for 48 hours doesn't scare us. We're strong willed. Oh yeah, we were also riding our bikes for several hours while we were discussing this. Now It's almost 4 hours later. I'm sore, I'm all hyped up, and I can still taste this poison on my tongue. For shame Celsius. You can do better than this.

Things have been getting a little Cintron crazy over here at Thirsty Dudes. So far everything has been decent to great. I guess the honeymoon couldn't last forever because this one....not so great.
You see the problem is that I am a fully-grown human. If I were say seven years old I would probably have a completely different view of this drink. You see it has that generic fruit punch flavor that is the basis of every fruit punch from Hawaiian Punch to the gallon of red juice for sale at your local gas station. It's something that kids eat, or rather drink up. As you get older that sugar syrup based flavor just stops being good at some point. If you want a fruit punch you want a bunch of 100% fruit juice all mixed up.

Another this about this drink is that it has that historic fruit punch flavor, but it also has a strange coolness to it that is kind of like how mint feels, not tastes. It might be the lime, but it's strange, and although it does separate this from other fruit punches, it's still not enough to get me to finish this can.

Elves. What is worse than stinkin' elves? Everyone is always like "Oh the elves are so cute. The elves never do anything wrong. Stop beating that elf over the head with that leg of lamb." How is it that I am the only one who can see them for the sneaky little turds that they are?

Here's a perfect example. Last week my barrels of cream soda I have been brewing were just about ready to be drank along with the mead. This morning I went to go check on them and give it a little tasting and four of the five barrels were gone, and the fifth had been drained. Of course I didn't see them do it, but as I stormed out of the still one of those little buggers yelled "Sneak Attack" and they all giggled. I know it was them. They are the ones responsible for all of our goods that go missing. If we went and stormed their fortress in the woods I'm sure we'd find it all. We'd find my sweet, sweet vanilla cream soda. Sure, it might actually be a little too sweet, but I don't see you doing any better. The vanilla taste is great, without leaving much of an aftertaste. Oh man I was so smart to use the inverted cane sugar to sweeten it. It made the soda way less syrupy. I'm getting all worked up now. I want that soda, and if it takes elven blood being spilled for that to happen....SO BE IT!!!

ps: I'd like to say this was a special blend, but it's really just the normal Jones cream soda with a different label.