Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Are you sick and tired of worrying about the impending zombie apocalypse? Does it keep you up at night thinking about the day when you and your family will be attacked and the walking dead will rip the flesh from your bones in order to get to your sweet, sweet brain nectar? Harcos Laboratories has a new product to put your mind at ease.

After years of research, and movie watching, it was scientifically proven that zombie's do not attack their own kind. With this knowledge Harcos employees worked long and hard in the lab to come up with a syrup derived from actual zombie blood that will cause the imbiber to give off certain pheromones that will trick the living dead into thinking you have already been turned. In layman's terms your brains will smell like butt-soup to them instead of sizzling prime rib.

It's lucky for us that zombie blood in its natural state tastes like melted green freezie pops. The difference is that downing this I.V. pouch won't make you cough like the dickens. Unlike the mind, it's not a terrible thing to taste. It is also has added ingredients to give you extra energy to run to safety in case you are in the .01 percentile that are unaffected by the blood of reanimated corpses.


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We originally reviewed this for a Halloween drink article we did for Auxiliary Magazine. To read the full article and to check out the awesome magazine go to http://auxiliarymagazine.com.

Remember when there was a real problem with swarms of bees? They would all band together like an unruly gang and attack, and demolish, anything in their way. I'm pretty sure that I discovered the cause of it. It turns out those bees were way pissed that Dr. Tima harvested such a ridiculous amount of their honey for her sodas. I'm not kidding. She went to Africa on safari and emptied every last nest she found of anything resembling honey or a comb. It was really kind of disgusting the blatant disregard our dear doctor had for the indigenous animals.

I really couldn't believe someone would do such a thing, then I tasted this "kola." After one sip I was ready to hop continents and help the doctor find as much honey as I possibly could. Not only is this good, but I can tell that weeks from now I'll be in my print shop and out of nowhere I will start daydreaming about it. I'm sure I will drool on whatever shirt I'm printing and not even notice.

This starts off as a good quality "olde time" cola. If you're looking for a Coke or Pepsi facsimile, you're barking (or should I say buzzing) up the wrong tree. This is a hand-crafted soda that reminds me of Fentimans' Curiosity Cola. So you take that awesome cola and then you add butt-loads and butt-loads of honey to it. I'm not kidding it's ridiculous how much honey is in this. It's almost like a honey soda that is cola flavored and not the other way around. I love it. I did get some complaints that it wasn't very carbonated, but I thought it was just right. The fizz didn't bother my throat, but it also didn't taste flat. Now put on a beekeepers suit and watch out because those little buggers are coming to get us all.

Ever since Vitamin Water came on the scene tons of companies have popped up with their own versions. They all refer to them as water drinks. Let's call them what they are people; they are sports/revitalization drinks. This is closer to a Gatorade than it is a glass of water. I feel like as soon as you add a sweetener to water that it no longer can be considered water. If this is a water drink than so is a bottle of Coke. Both are over 50% water, but really come on.

Now that I have that rant out of the way, the drink is pretty great. I don't know why they put erythritol in here along with normal sugar, but luckily you can't taste it at all. Maybe that is the secret that drinks need. There are only 9g of sugar in this, but it tastes just as strong as it's competitors. The main flavor is definitely grape, but there is some berry flavor mixed in there as well.

Toronto is a big city, which means it can be very exhausting when you walk everywhere because you think the exercise would be better than public transportation. I have nothing against the bus, or subway, but I know that starting in a week I'm going to be sitting in a van all day on tour, so I should get my exercise while I can. After a day and a half of nothing but walking and eating I decided to try this energy shot out. It tastes like a harsh lemon lime Gatorade. The harshness is due to all the concentrated energy junk that's in it. It's not as harsh as most though, and it kept me trekking for the next couple of hours.

Hey guys we have a great juice here. In reality it was sweet enough on it's own, but Johnson really upped his game when he added sucrose to the mix to make it sweeter. I know this might sound crazy but what if we also added high fructose corn syrup into the mix? Sweet is good. The kids love sweet! Sure it takes away from the flavor a bit and it really is overly sweet with it in it, but it will cut down overhead because we can use more sweetener and less juice. Who cares if it makes an otherwise great juice a bit syrupy? It worked for Coke, so it can work for us!

You've worked hard all day. You endured an entire triathlon and you're not even tired. You almost gave up when it got to the running part, but you stuck it out. You're a champ. You deserve a treat. How about a nice organic sports drink to re-fuel. I know that took a lot out of you. In the past this company hasn't treated you very well, but with this drink they made up for it. It tastes like orange juice and passion fruit juiced mixed up with a little bit of sea salt mixed in to replace your electrolytes. It's one of the better sports drinks you've had, due to it being all-natural. Now it's time to get up and cut the grass. You've already wasted most of the afternoon watching that triathlon on CNN.

Have you heard, Ghostbusters has gone "green." For years they were able to get around all of the E.P.A. laws because they were the only company in the game of keeping NYC's ghosts (I wonder if they were in the inspiration for the
Sonic Youth record) off the streets and in a containment unit where they belong. These days the laws have gotten stricter and they were forced to give in.

This one was Egon's brainchild. He teamed up with Gatorade and worked out a formula that would convert all of their leftover ectoplasm into a tropical tasting sports drink. He came up with the idea when he noticed that Louis Tully always got a second wind whenever he got "slimed." He's normally an accountant/lawyer and is not even close to being in good shape so dragging his proton pack around the city really put a drain on him. He would be dead on his feet and then without fail some ghost would slime him and within seconds he'd be up and running again. After a few quick tests Egon realized that ectoplasm was really 67% electrolytes. He isolated an isotope or two and before he knew it he had a tasty drink on his hands. The only downfall was that it remained a toxic looking green. Let's face it though a lot of the Gatorade flavors are fairly neon in color.

Egon, who is ever the health nut, sweetened the newly transformed ectoplasm with sucralose to try and keep the overweight citizens of New York in check. Gatorade put up a stink, claiming that it tasted too diet, so he ended up adding some sucrose to it as well. The result is a light fruit punch tasting drink that only has the faintest tinge of a diet flavor too it. Now hopefully the public won't freak out when they realize they are essentially drinking ghost poop.

Energy drinks are getting too extreme these days. Between the Redline review Derek did yesterday and this I think one of us is going to have a heart attack.

I have a bad habit of drinking something first and then reading everything on the packaging after I'm done. Luckily I did not do that with this because there are a bunch of warnings on it to read the label before use. It also says "Not for sale to minors" on it a bunch of times, so you know things are serious. I feel like teenagers are the prime market for most energy drinks, so when they exclude them you know it has to be powerful. The bottle informs me not to drink more than 6oz in an eight-hour period. I think I accidentally drank about 8, and I sure can feel it. Like to the point where I kind of want to throw up to purge my body of the poison.

As far as taste goes, it tastes like a diet Gatorade or something of that ilk. Not a flavor I'm fond of, but what do you expect with a diet drink. It doesn't have as much of a "energy chemical" taste as I would have expected seeing as it's ridiculously concentrated.

I can't really get behind this drink. When I drink an energy drink I do it for a little push to help me stay awake, or if I'm going to be doing strenuous activity. I like to not notice it much. This is jitter central. I wish I could undo drinking so much.

Day two of candy based sodas. Jelly Belly came through with something that turned out to be delicious. Jolly Rancher, not so much. First off as a hard candy Jolly Ranchers are gross. I know a lot of people enjoy them, but they rub my taste buds the wrong way. The soda didn't do much better. What can you really expect when the bottle happily boasts, "artificially flavored soda." I like the word artificial as far away from anything I'm consuming as possible.

When you open the bottle the scent of cough syrup hangs heavy in the room. I blame the medicinal companies for ruining cherry for me for years, then I had some drinks flavored with actual cherry juice and I realized that it's just the artificial garbage that they ruined. I personally am okay with that. It's helps increase the gap between them and myself.

This doesn't even taste like store brand cherry pop. It's like they took a syrup and didn't cut it properly. It tastes so heavy and if that consistency had a flavor it is present in this drink.

I say stay away from this unless you're attempted to make a child not like soda by associating it with medicine.

Without. The name of this drink means without. They mean without calories, but I think a lot of people would take it as they could do without this drink at all. That is because most people have no time for diet drinks. Let's talk frankly here diet is pretty gross. You have to condition yourself to alternatives to sugar. It's as if you're basically killing the taste buds that register the grossness of it. I was in the anti-diet drink camp for most of my life, but in the pursuit of reviewing everything ever I've grown accustomed to them. As a result I do not fall in the "sans this drink" crowd. It's actually a decent diet soda. It's nice and light. It does have a diet flavor too it, but it's not as overpowering as it could have been with an artificial sweetener. Rebiana is way better than aspartame or sucralose. It's natural which means that there is a chance you won't get cancer from it. No one likes cancer. Even cancer doesn't like other cancer, let alone itself.

The packaging makes this drink look like it's going to be ice cold. Like when mints have that weird coldness to it. I didn't expect it to be minty, but I hoped it would have the same freezing effect. It ended up just tasting like a regular diet energy drink. When Dan first opened it and took a sip he said it was pretty gross. I expected the worst, but it tasted fairly average to me. Underneath all of that chemical energy it took a second for my taste buds to register that it was even diet.

In the end this is one of the best diet energy drinks that I've tried. With no sugar or calories it's also probably one of the "healthiest" I've ever had as well. To be fair neither of those are really that crazy of achievements.

When you're a kid and it's Easter time jellybeans take a backseat only to Peeps (yes I am one of those strange people that prefers stale Peeps). As you get older jellybeans lose their allure. In fact they become just a step above gross. Then you discover a little company called Jelly Belly and your interest in jellybeans is renewed. Best of all they are available all year and they are "gourmet."

When I first saw Jelly Belly sodas I thought to myself "Self that sure sounds gross, over sugary candy pop is not something we are fans of." I got some for the site though for the sake of the website. When I finally got around to drinking it I discovered that they can do the same for sugary fake fruit sodas as they did for sugary fake fruit candy. Is it sweet? You bet your butt it is, but more importantly it tastes like strawberries. This actually tastes just like a real sweet strawberry jam. I certainly can't complain about a pop that delivers exactly what it promises, and neither should you.

Someday Midge will see how much I love her and she'll come runnin' to old Moe. Sure I own a crap hole of a bar and I more than occasionally delve into some less than legal monetary pursuits (what was I thinking keeping a whale in the back of the bar?) but I've sure as hell put the time into winning her over. It's exhausting really. For the past 22 seasons I've been following her and Homer all around this god-forsaken planet just to be close to her. Oh Midge if you only knew the time and effort I put in each week following and watching you for all these years. Sneaking into the luggage compartments on planes, hiding in the flora of the restaurants they eat in, and a whole lot of creeping around watching through windows.

In the early days in order to keep up steam I had to rely on some classic meth that I would get from Cletus, but after what it did to my skin, and with my teeth falling out and whatnot I knew I needed to stop. Lucky for me Duff released an energy drink. I can tell you it's sure a hell of a lot better than that swill ale those low life drunks at my bar gulp down all day. It tastes like a classic energy drink with a nice citrus twist. Sure they use high fructose corn syrup, and I swore I was going to cut that down so I could get in shape for my love, but really what can you expect from such a low rent company as Duff. At least it keeps me up for my late night sessions of watching Midge sleep. That is when Homer's fat whale of a body isn't blocking my vision. Speaking of which it's about time for me to be climbing that old tree. Someday she will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.

Hey Frankie, I thought I told you to pick me up an energy drink? This thing don't taste like no energy drink I ever had. It taste like a more juicy soda pop. You know with like fruit and junk in it. What do you mean does it have taurine in it? What am I some kind of ingredientologist? Fine I'll read the stupid can. Yeah it's got that "t" stuff in it. Sounds like something to do with a bull. Is that what gives Red Bull it's kick? Wait this isn't bull testicles is it? If it is and this is some kind of joke I'm going to box your ears. Okay, okay I believe you. This stuff still doesn't taste like an energy drink though. It tastes like a fancy orange juice with bubbles in it. Tangerines you say? Well ooolala Mr. Fancy Pants Frenchman. Now shut your mouth and help me rip up this carpet.

I like eating fresh lychee fruit. Sure it might have a consistency that I can only liken to an eyeball, but it tastes pretty awesome. Something horrible happens when that fruit is transformed into drink form. It somehow starts to taste the was I can only assume an old lady would. Like a perfume from the 1940s. That would be the opposite of awesome.

I've had this sitting around for probably six months. Because the can was white I thought it was diet (all diet pops from my youth were in white cans). That and my fear of lychee drinks put it on the back burner. Tonight I decided to suck it up and for my bravery I was rewarded. President's Choice did something right with this drink. They have kept the flavor of the fruit intact without bringing out the perfumey aspect of it. It's a very light beverage that I would be happy to drink again. Thanks Canada.

If I am not mistaken this drink is all about me. Finally a drink for the egotistical and self centered geniuses of the world. I think it takes on a different flavor to suit whoever is drinking its taste buds. I have to say they had it dead on for me. Tangerine and pineapple are a way to my heart. They were on the road to perfection but then the creators got sidetracked and added erythritol as a third sweetener. Ugh. They have instantly turned my brain and me as a whole off. Had they left out that one tiny ingredient, that doesn't seem to play much of a role other than being gross, this would have been great. A buy and buy again beverage. As it stands it can sit dusty on the shelves.

People just don't understand what a hard life us members of Slytherin have. Wake up. Pray to the snake. Eat breakfast. Pray to the snake. Mock a Weasely for being a ginger. Pray to the snake. Go to class. Pray to the snake. Make fun of a Weasely for being poor. Pray to the snake. Study for potions. Pray to the snake. Plot against Harry Potter. Pray to the snake. Do the dark lords bidding. Pray to the snake.

That damn snake gets more praise than Odin ever did in his prime. On top of that we have to deal with all of the filthy mudbloods that started letting into the school. Ugh. Those disgusting creatures have no business learning magic. When will He Who Will Not Be Named come back and go all fourth reich on their unworthy keisters?

This is the only time of day that I get to relax. The snake has been appeased and I can sneak off to Hogsmeade and pop into The Three Broomsticks and get myself a nice cold one, loosen my robes and just spend some time on myself. They don't let the underclassman in here so it's nice and quiet. Also because they can't come here they all think that the sought after Butter Beer is alcoholic. They sure took a turn into Wrongville. There's nothing alcoholic about it. It's just a nice tasty cream soda that has been flavored with butterscotch. The combination hits you in some nice waves. First it's all nice and vanilla creamy. Then you swallow and the butterscotch tastes over as a nice mild aftertaste. To tell the truth before I tried one of these I was against butterscotch. It seemed unnatural as a flavor. Something mudbloods would eat as dessert. You still won't find me eating that trash, but I will enjoy one of these sodas whenever I get a chance. Oh great it's almost time to praise the snake again. I should get back to our common room.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I'm extremely jealous of young kids these days for their juice box options. When I was a kid our choices were Ssips, Hi-C and Minute Maid. I never complained. I loved what I had at the time, but now that I see what the world has to offer I feel cheated. Maybe it's because I grew up in white-bred suburbia, but I keep running into exotic juice boxes these days. What kid wouldn't love a mango juice box? It's so sweet and thick. Think of the awesome treats it could bring in through lunchroom trades. When you've finished remember to unglue the flaps, blow it up with air and stomp on it so it explodes and the straw shoots across the room. That is the true joy of the juice box.

It's a little known fact, but this beverage actually inspired the Ted Nugent song "Wango Tango." You may say, "but Thirsty Dudes the timeline is way off. "Wango Tango" was released in 1980, Robs is a fairly new company." That may be true my friends, but the mango drink was actually created by Rob's mother, it is the drink that made Rob want to create drinks of his own. His mother also had a tryst with Senior Nugent back in the late 70's. Theodore was obsessed with this sweet treat of hers and she made a jug of it for him every time he went out bow hunting. Momma Rob was also very concerned with being "green" and the environment, so she would only eat meat that Teddy hunted. She's the one who always said, "You gotta kill 'em to grill 'em." She taught the Nug oh so much about life.

After she broke off the brief relationship Ted tried to win her back by writing "Mango Tango" for her (the producer made him change the name due to the unpopularity of the fruit in the late 70's). Her response was that he could have her again, but only if the song about her and her nicely thinned out mango juice (it really was a precursor to the flavor/consistency of Vitamin Water) made it into the Billboard Top 10. Unfortunately it only got to number 86, and they were never to meet again. The only question there is left to answer is "Could Ted Nugent actually be Rob's biological father?" Come back never round of flavors to find out!

As ambassador for the island of Pineapple Pokopo I would like to assure you that I am as much as a professional as you can get on the subject of pineapples. I have had them prepared every way possible. I've had them sliced, diced, baked, fried, fire roasted, shoved inside of various mammals and fish. You have not lived until you've had pineapple stuffed dolphin. My mansion is actually built 100% out of pineapple. You wouldn't believe how strong that fruit can get when it's compressed enough and then shellacked.

I tell you all of this because on my vacation to Toronto you had the audacity to serve me this soda?!?! This is not my beloved pineapple! I bet that the ingredients in the bottle have never even been in the same fruit with any fruit, let alone one as pure as mine. I demand you change the name of this immediately! What's that you will call it "ananas?" Is that some sort of banana? Oh it's French for pineapple. I can deal with that. I've never met a Frenchman, so I assume I'll never run into anyone who knows that information.

Now that it has a new name this is actually pretty good. It has a nice citrus flavor, like it's some candied fruit. It doesn't taste like actually pineapple as I have mentioned in my rant, but there is something similar there. It's better than an orange or lemon soda. I will tell you that for free. That's right the cost of that knowledge will not come out of your tip. Now bring me another bottle, and a fresh napkin. I must clean off my pineapple monocle. Did you not notice that it was just a cored slice of pineapple with a lens shoved into it? No wonder you're a waiter and not the ambassador of Pineapple Pokopo.