Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

The past couple of days have really been kicking my keister. Due to the holiday, and general gluttony, I've been eating way too much food. That coupled with the fact that it's dark by 6pm has caused me to get sleepy way early. Yesterday I took a step towards being the old man that I've been striving to become by taking a nap. Today I had too much stuff to do, so I partook in this little treat.

Does it taste like mango? Not really. Does it taste like a citrus fruit punch? You betcha. It has a slight chemical/candy energy drink taste, but for the most part it tastes like a citrus juice. I really wish stores around here sold this line of Cintron energy drinks, because I have yet to have one that I dislike and for some unscientific reason (very unlike us Thirsty Dudes) I don't feel as bad when I drink one of these. Even though they aren't made with real fruit juice, they sure taste like they are, and I will let me mind continue to pretend that they are.

Carl has worked on the railroad for the past 43 years of his life. He's loaded the trains, switched cars, and shoveled coal. He's done just about every job that there is to do on a train, with the exception of being the conductor. The little had just never suited him. He was known to say "If I wanted to look like a damn fool I'd have gotten a job with the opera." Carl is a strange man.

His fellow workers respect him as an old timer, but they also fear him, as he was prone to go off the handle for no good reason. When he got into one of these moods the only thing that could calm him down were jokes about the opera and this self same orange cream soda. Before you ask, yes it has to be Iron Horse soda. Someone once tried to slip him a Stewarts and that gentleman ended up with a hair do full of broken glass. There's just something about this particular brand that soothes the crotchety beast. Some say it's because it's not as creamsicle-esque as other brands. They say that it's more of a cream soda with orange flavoring added to it. Others say it's just because this is one of the smoothest sodas out. It's easy to find yourself through an entire bottle in the blink of an eye. What everyone can agree on is that whenever the trains run through MN they are sure to pick up a couple of cases to keep the old man happy. After all he dedicated his life to the rails, shouldn't he be rewarded in some way?

I've been holding onto this little gem for quite awhile now. Since it's something so unusual I wanted to drink it with a group of people, so that everyone could check it out. That never panned out so today seemed like as good a time as any (it's Thanksgiving).

Let me start off by stating that I ate way more of my fair share of corn today. I devoured the stuff, so I'm very familiar with the taste of corn. When I opened up the bottle, it smelled completely disgusting for 2 seconds. Then I took another sniff and it smelled exactly like a can of corn. I couldn't help but giggle. I love corn so much. I would put it into almost everything I cook if it was around. The Eden Corn Fest is one of the things my friends and I look forward to the most east year. An entire carnival type scenario based around corn harvest? Yes please!

Back to the pop. At first I thought this tastes like someone carbonated (and lightly sweetened) the juice left at the bottle of a can of corn, then I took another sip and I realized that no, that was not it. It tastes way more like actual corn than just the leftover corn water. It tastes so much like corn that it is kind of disturbing. I shouldn't want to add salt and pepper to my soda. As much as I love corn, I really couldn't make it more than a couple of sips into this drink. I still don't want to speak ill of it though. As it's a novelty soda and it does taste exactly like it promises to I will still give this a four-bottle review. I certainly wouldn't go out an order a case, but it is something that I think every fan of corn should try at least once.

I've had pink guava juice in the past, and now I am presented with one that is off white. Which is the true color? Is there artificial color added to the pink? Are there two different types of guava one white, one pink? Guess what, I don't care. It's all delicious. Guava is very close to the top on my list of favorite fruits, and I've never met a juice of it that I did not like.

This is really nice because it's not just guava juice, but guava pulp. It's thick and has the teeniest, tiniest little chunks of fruit in it. The only thing that I could think of that might make this better would be if there wasn't any added extra sugar in it. Maybe that's just me being a fan of pure fruit juice though.

Let me tell you the tale of Chia Steve. His cousin Joe is the founder of the Chia Pet empire. The fortune that he amassed during the late 70's an the 80's was enormous. We're talking Scrooge McDuck money here, like swimming pools full of money-money. You're probably thinking "Well good for him. He had a great idea and he ran with it and it paid off." Chia Steve would break your thumbs if he heard you say that. Steve was, and I guess still is, a botanist. Early in his career he came across the salvia hispanica (chia plant for you non-scientists out there). He became obsessed with how easily the seeds germinated and it was his life goal to discover all of this plants secrets. He spent so much time with the chia plants that the seeds would often get lodged in his unruly beard. It was at Thanksgiving 1976 when Steve went to his family dinner. He had been up all night with his plants and had yet to sleep. He didn't have much time so he just jumped in the shower to rinse off. Steve didn't realize that there were a whole mess of seeds in his beard and by the time dinner rolled around they had begun to sprout on his face. The entire family, including Steve, had a good laugh about it. He gave everyone a quick lesson on the plant and then ate his weight in mashed potatoes and stuffing. Steve had no idea that Joe was even paying attention until six months later when Chia Pets hit the market. Joe wouldn't even return Steve's calls and the infamous "Chia Court" battles ensued. It really broke poor Steve's mind grapes and he became a bit of a shut in.

A few year ago his sister finally got him to open his door to her. She came over weekly to drop off food, and clean up the place a bit. Once she got grossed out because she thought thousands of tiny spores had sprouted in one of Steve's juice glasses. It took quite a while for him to convince her that they weren't spores and were in fact chia seeds. He had been adding them to his morning juice for years for their health benefits. That was the moment that turned Steve's life around. His sister convinced him to market this juice. He was reluctant at first until she convinced him they would give cousin Joe a run for his money. Thus Mamma Chia was born.

Their flagship flavor was the cherry lime. It's weird because in a world obsessed with mojitos whenever you taste lime you expect the cool crispness of mint to follow. That is not the case with this beverage. Instead you are met with the tartness of cherry juice. It's not a combination of juices that I could drink a lot of, but the seeds really work with it. They are coated with some sort of gelatinous casing that makes them go down smooth. It's almost frothy feeling. The taste of the lime and the cherry mixed in with the entertainment of the coated seeds make this a tasty and interesting beverage. Here's to hoping that Chia Steve will soon be diving into Olympic swimming pools full of gold doubloons.

ps. Everything stated above with the exception of how awesome the drink tastes is a complete fallacy. Sincerely, Known Liar Jason.

Shirley Temples: The saviors of the non-drinking world at bars at bowling alleys across the world. Even though it has a cutesy name that makes it seem like a kid's drink, it is a tasty beverage that I have drank quite a lot in my life. The ingredients in this glorious drink are either ginger ale or lemon lime soda and grenadine syrup. Grenadine syrup is a thick, well syrup, which tastes like cherries.

As one would expect this tastes like a Shirley Temple, with the proportions reversed. It's more cherry syrup than it is lemon lime. It leaves something to be desired though. It tastes more like sugar and syrup than it does cherries. If you want something like this I suggest going into a bar and having one of your friends order you a Shirley Temple with their beer, as to not get a stupid look from the bartender when you ask for it yourself. Judgmental pricks.

Deep in the mountains of Pennsylvania there once was a group of hill people who lacked intelligence to such a great degree that they couldn't even make moonshine properly. They were the laughingstock of the yokel world. All these pour saps wanted to do was make some cheap hooch that could potentially make them blind, and they failed at every turn. No one really knows what they were thinking when they were trying to make it, but what resulted was a world-class birch beer. You know the kind that you would buy out of a tin mug at a county fair. When they presented it to some of their neighbors, it took awhile for the laughing to subside, but then one of them said something along the line of "how do you expect to make booze without some sort of fruits or vegetables. Since they were in season the family added a butt load of blueberries to their next batch. They still failed to make anything that would get them drunk, but what they did make was truly magical. It was a fine birch beer to start with, but the addition of the blueberries made it astronomical. It was incredibly fruity and sweet and chock full of classic olde time birch beer flavor. To top it all off it somehow went from a healthy dark brown to a bright blue.

The word soon spread about how dumb this family was, but how they had somehow managed to create a tasty treat. The tale soon reached the ears of a wealthy railroad family who moved to PA and hired the family on the spot to continue production of their soda. As a salary they would be paid in low-end whiskey (the gave them nice whiskey at first, but the hill people made fun of it saying it was too hoity toity, so they switched to swill). And that is the story of how Reading Railroad got put on the Monopoly board.


*****************************************EDIT*****************************************
As I drink more of this I realized that Reading Draft has done to birch beer what Voltage did to Mountain Dew, except normal birch beer is great where as regular Mountain Dew is garbage. It just has a slightly similar taste to the Voltage, which is the only Mountain Dew flavor worth putting into your body.

Oh man I could really go for some Thai food. Some peanut satay would really hit the spot, specifically in wrap form. That would be delicious. A nice wrap of peanut sauce and tofu. Maybe I'll go a little crazy and get some ginger on it. What do you mean you don't serve satay? I'm sorry. I thought any self respecting hot dog stand would be well stocked in the foods of other cultures. I guess this world just isn't the place I thought it was. It looks like I'll have to go see what that little market next door has.

Hmmm they don't have any prepared foods, but the woman working the counter did recommend this drink to me. I like soy milk so why not. Oh wow this does taste exactly like peanut satay. Actually this is kind of gross. It makes me feel like I was in a horrific car accident and had to get my jaw wired shut, and as a result my jaw has been wired shut, and I need to have all of my foods liquefied. Okay after two sips I can't drink anymore.

Dear Day to Day, I don't know what peanuts have to do with bean milk, but screw you for putting me off peanuts for a little while.

My grandparents had a small apple orchard in their back yard. I loved apples. When I was a kid they were my absolute favorite. As a result whenever I was visiting them and apples were ripe I would gather up as many as I could and devour apple and apple until I got sick. I was a dumb kid. I liked the game of seeing how many I could eat. The best part about their orchard was that they were all green and yellow apples. As much as I love apples I would pick one of those over any red apple any day. I tip my hat to Juicy Juice for going the uncommon route and using green apples in their sparkling juice. This could have turned out just like any other sparkling apple juice, but they mixed things up a bit and I thank them for that.

There is something strange about carbonating green apples. They almost get a sour apple candy taste to them. At first sip I was disappointed because I thought it was sour apple candy flavored. Then I remembered it was juicy juice and they don't add sugar. After a couple of more sips I was completely on board. It is slightly sour, but then again so are green apples. The aftertaste specifically really tastes like you just at an apple. So far, this is my favorite in this line.

Dear Shloer, just look at what you've done! You should be ashamed of yourself! You created a quality product with your sparkling red grape juice and now you've gone and sullied your family name with this abomination. For shame! I can't believe you would let it leave your facilities with the way it smells, which is to say like a hobo's breath. It doesn't taste much better either. I was told it tastes like cheap bad wine. I wouldn't know, but I do know that I would now never in a million years ever try cheap bad wine, because this is just bad. It certainly tastes fermented and gross. Out of the 10 people I had try it 3 said it was decent, not good, but decent and everyone else was completely grossed out. I wonder if it did start to ferment somehow and it now turning to alcohol. I took two sips and I really can't drink anymore. It's a shame it was such a big bottle.

It's a little known fact that after the robot wars died down Shockwave, the second in command of the Deceptacons, started dabbling in the energy drink game. He got so into it that he altered his laser arm to be a drink dispenser (you know like in a fast food restaurant). It was strange times. After several failed attempts at classic energy drinks he decided to take it in ta-other direction. He realized that the United States is slowly becoming more health conscious, and while they still don't care about adding extra stress to their hearts they want healthier alternatives to their beverages. He then designed a carbonated energy juice. He basically carbonated some orange juice (with a handful of other fruit juices mixed in for an extra kick) and added the usual suspects of energy giving supplements; taurine, caffeine, b vitamins and others. His past creations were fairly average because he didn't have a group of human taste testers, but for this he fed it to elementary school kids who then finished recess in record-breaking time. He realized that he had made something very special. As a single robotic tear formed from his one digital eye, Megatron showed up and turned into a giant gun and shot him in the face. Tragic really. The world will now never know what future wonders this drink guru would have come up with.

Somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains a thirsty scientist named Vigo has gone "mad." He was sick of having to choose between his two favorite drinks, which were green tea and root beer. He decided to take matters in his own hands. He would create a hybrid, a Frankenstein monster of sorts of beverages. He loaded up his ingredients on the platform. He was about to raise it into the storm brewing above when his assistant grabbed his arm and begged him to reconsider to think of how this would affect the future of the planet. The mad genius threw him off and yelled, "Back off man I'm a scientist!" With that he threw the switch and the platform was raised and instantly struck with lightening. If you know anything about science that is the only proper way to make an unholy alliance.

As the platform lowered Vigo scooped out a cupful in his chalice and took a big gulp. His mouth was greeted by three waves of flavor. At first it was just a nice sweet soda taste, it was actually almost a cola. Then a wave of weakish root beer flavor washed over him. It wasn't nearly as strong as he had wanted, but it wasn't bad at all. Finally as that faded away it was replaced with the bitter sting of green tea. He felt that his creation wasn't a complete success, but it was good enough to market to the public. He then vowed to spend the rest of eternity trying to improve upon his creation. It's a couple thousand years later and he still hasn't gotten it quite right. This is a nice hybrid, but it doesn't quite deliver as much as you would want it to in either the tea or root beer categories. Maybe someday Vigo will find a baby so he can return to the earthly realm and begin his work anew.

Today on Sick Sad World we will venture into the depths of the Canadian forests in search of the ever-elusive elderflower. Not much is known about this strange and fascinating creature/plant other than it lives off of human flesh, and that I have only been able to find drinks made of it in the "great white north." What's that Barry? You tangled with a bear and not an elderflower? Why didn't you tell me that earlier before he hauled all of this camera equipment out into the woods? I don't care that you didn't want to hurt my feelings. Do you know how much money we wasted? On top of that now we have to worry about bears that might rip our arms off like they did yours. Geeze. I bet elderflower doesn't even grow in Canada. I bet they aren't even sentient beings. Someone get out their phone and Wiki that for me. Okay Jim hand that Droid over here. Looks like it's just a plant that grows all over Europe and South America. Good job guys. Why didn't someone bring up doing a little research before we came up here? Okay I'll take part of the burden, but can you blame me? Those drinks have such a unique flowery yet fruity taste. It's like nothing I've ever had before and I have absolutely nothing to compare it to. Perhaps a flowery white grape juice. That's not exactly it, but it's as close as I can think of. Great now I'm craving some. Pack it up guys. We're heading home. On the way we're stopping by Ikea so I can pick up a case of those little elderflower juice boxes they have. I know you guys make fun of my when I pack them in my lunch and call me a baby, but you are the ones losing out by not drinking the delicious nectar. As long as I have that I'll take all the mockery you can shovel out. No Barry we're not going to help you carry a shelving unit for your records. You lost that privilege when you lost your arm and didn't tell us truthfully how.

Let's play a little game called taste the flavor. You, the contestant, are put into a dark theatre to enjoy a movie. You are then handed a contraband beverage that your ladyfriend has snuck into the theatre for you. The movie is pretty dark (and completely brutal) so you can't see the label of the drink to know the flavor. Can you guess the flavor in three tries?

On the first sip you discern that it is not quite a juice and that it must be some kind of "ade" or a fruit drink of some kind. It's thinner and sweeter than a juice would be. Since you are an intelligent human being who is familiar with the Cintron line, you know that from the bottle shape this must certainly be an ade. Now you're a little confused. It's a strong fruity flavor is it peach? ***BUZZ*** Nope, your first guess is wrong. Well it does taste more tropical. It's certainly not guava, but it's something along those lines. Suddenly your brain moves to thoughts of stringy fruit. Of course. How could you not have gotten it on the first guess? It's most certainly Cintron's mango ade. Now that you know what it is you can't believe you would have thought it was anything else. It's so obviously the sweet, sweet juice of the mango without all of the sticky, stringy mess. Now sit back and enjoy your film, and try not to drink it all too quickly. You don't want to have to get up to go to the toity and miss a crucial plot point.

It's crazy how much my taste buds have changed and evolved since starting this website. It used to be that drinking anything tasting even remotely floral was like getting shot in the mouth with a perfume gun. My tastes have become more refined and now it's a flavor that I enjoy, well when it's not overly strong.

This tastes like a sweet lightly floral green tea. It also has a fairly prominent honey flavor to it. Truth be told it's a little sweeter than I would like it to be, but for most people it's probably just right. I'm on a big unsweetened green tea kick myself. It doesn't have that bitter "kick" of straight up green tea, but again I think that is what turns a lot of people off to that style of tea. The more I drink of the bottle the less floral it tastes and the more honey I get, Yes, I did shake it up before I opened it.

For years I've trudged across this planet in search of a holy grail of sorts. No not Ecto Cooler (well I have been looking for it, but I can buy expired stuff on eBay), what I speak of is the elusive cantaloupe juice. Why can't I find it? I'm beginning to thin that it just doesn't exist which is ridiculous because cantaloupes are super juicy and messy to eat. Someone needs to harness that power so I can enjoy a nice tall glass of it.

On my last trip to Toronto I found this in an Asian market and I briefly thought my arduous trip had come to an end. That full melon sure looks like cantaloupe, but on closer inspection the slice is green and very obviously honeydew. Drats. I have nothing against honeydew, but you have to admit it's doesn't come close to touching cantaloupe. That being said this is one heck of a drink. Even though the ingredients list it as "melon flavor" I sure thought it was actual honeydew juice. It taste exactly like biting into an extremely ripe melon that has been soaking in sugar water. The aloe chunks in it are great. It's easy to forget that they are aloe and not melon pulp. Oh man cantaloupe juice with pulp in it would be a dream come true. Until someone gets up the guts to make the worlds best juice looks like I'll have to settle for these little cans of awesome.

For years Adirondack has made normal every day sodas. They are a brand that you pass in the pop aisle of your local grocery store and don't give it a second glance. It blends in with the store brand and honestly just doesn't look very astounding. It's a decent soda and all, but nothing to get exited about.

The company has taken note of the current state of affairs with consumers walking away from HFCS in everything. They climbed to the top of one of the glorious mountains in their range and came to a decision to make a natural soda. They actually blew one of those huge horns in celebration and nearly caused an avalanche. I really wish that last part was true. That would mean that there was a mountain range a couple hours away from me that was that ridiculously high. Man I would hang out there all the time. Okay, that's another lie. I live 5 hours from the Adirondacks and I have never once gone hiking or camping there. It's criminal really.

Back to the soda. This tastes pretty much like any average cola, but it's not thick and syrupy. There's no special blend or anything. It's just your every day cola. You know what? Good for them. Most people love this sort of stuff, and it's giving them the taste they know and love in a healthier version. Doctors everywhere give you their thanks.

Dear Mike,
Our search ends here. You wanted the ultimate ginger beer and I believe I have found it. Put away your Goya and your Blenheim red caps. Those are kids stuff compared to this.

The smell of this stuff was so strong that it almost made me sneeze. I took two sips and I needed to take a break because it burned so much. It's been over an hour and I'm still not done with the bottle. You take a sip, it doesn't seem to bad, then a decent burn kicks in, you think you're going to be fine, then a third intense ginger burns drop kicks your throat. That's right this is a "three alarm" ginger beer. The thing is that it's not just crazy hot, this bottle is also full of flavor. That first wave tastes like a great ginger ale. The second wave is a great ginger beer. The third wave? Well that is just pure burn. Well-played Grace. You know how to make a great soda. If I got this in a Jamaican restaurant I think it would be a toss up as to what was hotter the soda or my jerk.

What is wrong with us that we've been searching out the hottest ginger beer? I'm pretty sure third world countries use this stuff in their torture methodologies. Us we sit back and relax with a nice cool bottle of liquid fire. We sure are idiots.

I wasn't aware of it, but apparently the morning is the most tropical time of day. It's all citrus, sunshine and wild boars. One should embrace the tropical morning with both hands because before you know it time has passed and you are then stuck in the arctic evening with nothing but whale blubber and raw fish. So celebrate the morning while you have it. Wake up early to get the most of the sun and compliment your morning ritual of fake Cinnamon Toast Crunch with some healthy juice. You see juice was made for the morning. Avoid the garbage that has tons of sugar and artificial junk added and go for the all-natural 100% juice. It's also best to keep your morning juice tropical. R.W. Knudsen had their scientists work up the perfect blend to make the most of the morning. It's a mixture of pineapple, papaya, orange, peach and apple juice. It tastes great and makes you feel good about yourself. Even though it is full of citrus fruits the mixture does something too it that takes away the acidic harshness. This makes me want to eat a second breakfast, just to properly have a second glass.

The first couple of sips of this I absolutely hated it. It's not its fault though. Let me lay it out for you. I love water. Seriously love it. For as much garbage as I drink for Thirsty Dudes, I drink at least 5x more water. The thing is something happens to the glory of water when you carbonate it. The simple act of adding air bubbles changes the flavor in a way that I wish it didn't. What can't carbonated water taste just like regular water, but make you burp? I really want that.

So I took a couple of sips, got kind of grossed out and put it in the fridge because I didn't feel like writing a review. Cut to a couple of days later I came home from band practice and decided to finish off the bottle. At first it was still gross, but the more I drank the more I became acclimated to it. I'm in no way a huge fan of it, but for a style of drink that I don't like, they did a good job with it.

One thing I find odd is that instead of flavoring it with a little bit of juice they used fruit oils. I guess that way there is zero sugar in this.