Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

I was planning on posting the lyrics to the They Might Be Giants song "The Cap'm" and changing some words so that it praised this root beer. Then I actually drank it, and even though I still wanted to I decided I couldn't lie to our dear readers.

This is one of the worst root beers I have ever tasted. It's very dark and creamy tasting. Normally I would associate both of those things with a good root beer, but someone the cap'm got it all wrong. It's actually a brewed soda, so I'm wondering if something was wrong with the batch I tried. I did a quick Google search and the reviews I found of it were all glowing. Some people even claim it to be one of their favorites. The three people I shared it with and myself couldn't disagree more. The fact that it got worst with each sip really makes me think it was a bad batch. Each sip tasted different and weird in a different way. By the bottom of the bottle the wintergreen oil was so prevalent that it almost tasted like a mint root beer. I normally love complex root beers, but this is all wrong. That's it I need to try another bottle of this.

Ma'am I have to admit that you're not inviting me to your party. Here I am slaving away at this grocery store for your benefit. I've bagged a full satchel of hot dogs and you have about 30 cases of grape soda. It's obvious to everyone present that you are about to have a barbeque of gigantic proportions. This is a small town ma'am and with that amount of food I can only assume that everyone around here has been invited except me. Was that an oversight, or have I done something to offend you are your family? If I have I apologize, and I can assure you it wasn't intentional. I didn't even know that I did it. Come on ma'am don't lie to me you're obviously having a party. The only reason anyone would buy that much soda was if they loved it so much and it wasn't in production any more. In a similar vein the only other reason anyone would buy that many hot dogs was if they had some weird compulsion that they needed to bath in blended up hot dogs. What? You do have that infliction? I'm sorry ma'am I didn't mean to offend or embarrass you. I really thought you were having a barbeque ma'am.

Okay ma'am that explains the hot dogs, but what's up with the grape soda if I may be so bold as to ask? You just love it? Well, I guess that's understandable. It just tastes like generic grape soda to me. You know like a carbonated melted freezie pop with an obscene amount of sugar added. I understand buy maybe a case if you like it that much, but you have so much it's going to be hard to fit this in your car. Oh your hot dog bath is going to last a month and you want to make sure you stay hydrated during that time. Ma'am I think there may be something seriously wrong with you. I highly suggest you talk to a physical before amercing yourself in a hotdog milkshake for a month, while only nourishing yourself with mediocre grape soda. Yes ma'am I know I'm just a bag boy. No I do not have a medical degree. You know what ma'am have a good day, and have fun in your hot dog tomb. I'm pretty sure this is the last time anyone will ever see you alive, or with teeth.

Here's another treat from Editor Dan. That lucky so-and-so went up to Toronto to see Portishead. I was poor at the time tickets went on sale, and I missed out on my opportunity. Whenever I hear Portishead I think of a French club. It's dark, smoky and everything is slightly illuminated red. Portishead is playing over the PA and everyone is just getting down and slowly grinding on each other. During this scene in my head everyone is smoking for some reason. It's a very specific vision, and I think it's hysterical. It's also hysterical that Portishead would lead into a review for this drink, because the only way this drink would seem more inappropriate in that scene is if it came in juice boxes. This drink pretty much embodies the concept of fun. Portishead is not fun. They are wonderful, dark, mysterious and sexy, but they are not fun. This is a sugary sweet mango drink that taste way more like the juice you would lick from your fingers when trying to open a mango without the proper utensils than you would expect from a drink that comes in such packaging. Also, it has little cubed bits of nada de coco, which makes the drink even more fun. I love it when appropriate drinks have nada de coco in them. In this it's like there are tiny bits (of hardened) mango in it. I love trying to chew on them.

No you shouldn't drink this while listening to trip hop. I think some ska punk would be more up to speed. Less Than Jake I'm looking in your direction.

Jimmy, I thought you said you were going to help me make some cookies. If you want to eat them you're going to help making them. No you can't just wash the dishes afterwards. You said you would do that last time, and when I went to put the dishes in the drying rack away, everything was covered in dough. Jimmy, you're a terrible dish washer. It's a good thing you're smart, because a career in the restaurant business would be short lived for you. Just crack those eggs in that bowl. Jesus, don't just throw the eggs in the bowl! Crack them on the side and drop the insides into the bowl. You don't want the shell in there. I mean who wants crunchy parts in their cookies? You know what? Just get the vanilla extract down from the cupboard.

What are you doing?!?!? Don't drink that! That's disgusting! How are you not vomiting from that? So gross! What? It tastes like that vanilla cream soda you got down at the store? What kind of pop are you drinking? Langers? Remind me to stay away from that. I like cream soda as much as the next mom, but it really shouldn't taste like slightly watered down vanilla extract. That is for cookies and the occasional coffee cake.

Sometimes there are sodas that you take for granted simply because they are readily available. You forget that they are semi-regional and that not everyone is lucky enough to have them at local gas stations. Boylan's is one of those companies for me. I see it all the time, and never think twice. They actually make quality soda that is sweetened with cane sugar. I'm sure it's the same with people in North Carolina who have Cheerwine everywhere. People up here would kill for it, well if they knew what it was.

This is a great little ginger ale here. Unlike the ginger ale that most people are used to this actually is made with ginger and not chemicals and artificial garbage. It has a little lemon and lime thrown into the mix, which mellows it out a bit. I am a ginger fiend (pickled ginger goes on nearly everything I eat, and I absolutely love a good ginger beer) and I have to say you can really tell the difference when ginger is one of the ingredients. It makes the drink taste less like bubbly sugar water and more like an old fashioned tonic of some sort. It's still sweet, but it has layers of flavor and not just one straight taste the whole way through. It is also a fact that I have discovered that every single one of those flavor layers is delicious. I also just found out through our dear friend Wikipedia that "Pale" or "Dry" ginger ale means that it has less of a ginger kick, or burn. Well that makes sense. I approve and so should you.

It's an important day. You need to be at the top of your game. You need a drink that will not only refresh you but also boost your focus, energy and stamina. There is going to be a lot of battling going on and there is a good chance things could get brutal. Lucky for you that O.N.E. has released an active line of their coconut water. It's fruity, sweet and tastes decent. You know you have a decent drink on your hand when you drink have a carton, and then you are shocked to discover that it is sweetened with stevia. Now that I know I can taste it, but I never would have guessed before I read it. Cranberry and grapefruit make a great team. Other companies should really pick them for their hypothetical touch football teams.

Now I know what you're thinking; how did the big day pan out? More importantly, what did the big day entail? Well I will tell you, the big day was going with my friend so that he could go to adopt a cat. Seems dumb right? Why would anyone need any of the skills I mentioned just to go to a car adoption center? The answer is that I have a problem with cats. I fall in love with every cat that I see and I want to bring them all home and live in a house with a million cats that will follow me around everywhere. Yes I am crazy, but I also understand the disgusting aspect of that. I don't want to smell like a million cats. We went in, hung out with a bunch of cats. I fell in love at every turn. Specifically a huge fat cat named Pauly took a firm grip of my heart. I was inches from adopting him. The lady even tried to give him to me for free. He is eight years old and has a deviated septum so he makes the worlds most hilarious noises. I stood strong though and remembered how needy my cat Manny is and how she would hate me if she had to compete for my attention more. I sadly left Pauly and about 40 other cats behind. My friend, he got an adorable little kitty with a mustache that is now named Natas (so very nearly called Patricia Aracat).

Thank you O.N.E. for helping me keep my head, and therefore keep my household down to two humans and two felines.

Things that should be weird to read on a beverages bottle, but that get me excited include "Real Fruit & Flowers." Obviously everyone wants real fruit in their drinks. Is there a single person roaming this Earth that prefers artificial fruit flavoring to actual fruit? If there is I'd like to give them my condolences for having the worst taste buds ever. Real flowers? That is just weird, yet exciting. I have grown to love slightly floral drinks during my tenure here at Thirsty Dudes. Two years ago if I drank this I would probably think it was garbage, but my tastes have been refined and I do enjoy it. It is a bit too floral though. It may be the pu-erh tea though. I just discovered that it's a post fermentation tea. I'm not positive what that means, but I think that mixed with the flowers pushes this a bit too far into the "I just ate something off of a plant at the botanical gardens" region.

The tea is very lightly sweetened, and it has some passionfruit juice in it to give it a little extra flavor. It's there, but a bit hidden under the flowers. The more I get the stronger the flower taste becomes. Now that I'm at the bottom fifth it's kind of out of control and I'm not longer a fan. When I started this I would have given it four bottles. By the end I would give it two bottles. I'll just even it out and call it a solid three.

So it's finally 2012. According to the Mayans it's the beginning of the end. Their highly accurate calendar ends on December 21, 2012. I for one say so be it. The end of the world has to be more exciting than most anything else this world has to offer. Have you ever seen disaster movies? There's never a dull moment. I'm rooting for earthquakes and tidal waves. A new ice age would be terrible. Who wants to be cold, even in death? I'm not saying one way or another if it's true, or if I really care either way. The Thirsty Dudes way is the path of apathy. Funnyman John Hodgman claims to have seen a Mayan calendar and it's secret is that it is full of sexy Mayan firemen. I wonder if those same firemen will usher in the impending apocalypse.

At the beginning of the possible end the only thing to do is to celebrate. I did so by DJing a party at Buffalo's finest dive bar, Mohawk Place. While a majority of the clientele were numbing themselves with beer and liquor, I was filling my bladder with sweet, sweet sparkling apple cider. I half expected it to be gross as I purchased it at a markdown store for a single dollar. Sometimes wonderful things come at a minimum price. This was a quality apple cider that actually tasted like cider and not just apple juice. Naturally sweet. Naturally delicious. This is the kind of sparkling cider we should use to shower the firemen when the end is neigh.

Mark always thought that the life of a magician would be all glamour and no gutter. It had been his dream for as long as he could remember to wow crowds with his illusions. It was in his 47th year that his wife left him for the clown that had been the entertainment at their daughter's communion party. He had wondered if a clown would be appropriate for a day full of religion, but since he himself had no savior, he brushed it off. Turns out his wife had seen him at a coworker's son's birthday party and just wanted to rock the sheets with this white-faced wonder. After she left and he was alone, he knew it was time for a change. He left his medical practice and went to magic school. No not Hogwarts, that isn't even a real place. Don't you know the difference between fantasy and reality? He went to The Montana Institute of Magic and Illusion. He worked his butt off and graduated first in his class. He had nothing but positive thoughts about it all, that was until he was actually in the working world. There is very little glamour in being a magician these days. You worked long hours for unappreciative audiences, and the pay was next to nothing. Luckily he had a nice nest egg, so he decided to stick with it. It was after about six months of working 18 hour days that he was a broken man. His true love magic had worn him out to the point where he couldn't get through a show without downing a huge energy drink. Not only was this expensive, but he found that all of his special compartments in his props were getting filled up with cans for later on in the day. That is when he remembered his medical knowledge and he created Hijinks. It was essentially concentrated energy (namely taurine, caffeine, inositol, glucuronolactone, and l-carnitine). The only problem was that when he drank a little of it on its own it tasted absolutely horrible. It was like someone added a little bit of sweetener to weed killer. He then decided to package it in small bottles, and all he had to do was add it to whatever beverage was on hand. It became basically indistinguishable in whatever sweetened drink he added it to. When he had to resort to water, he could taste it slightly but it wasn't bad. He was elated. No longer did he have to worry about downing obscene amounts of sugar and chemicals. Well he still was ingesting the chemicals, but they somehow seemed safer.

He started giving it to other magicians and he became the belle of the magician's ball. Everyone knew his name and gave him thanks. He even made the cover of MAGIC Magazine for magician of the year. Sure his illusions were nothing special, but he had given the word of magic a way to make it through each and every day. That is why we are here today to unveil his statue in honor of the memory of Mark Jinks. As I'm sure you all know he sadly left this mortal coil when an illusion went horribly wrong and when he pretended to cut his assistant in half, he somehow cut himself in half. Always the one to see a trick through to its completion he continued sawing through the pain until his body was completely separated in two.

From the beverages I've drunk recently I have come to the conclusion that Jamaica was once a part of Canada. It was the 11th province. Like modern day Quebec the fine citizens of Jamaica wanted to become a sovereign nation. They petitioned for years and made no progress. Finally a group of radicals strategically planted explosives and broke Jamaica free from the rest of Canada. They were happy to just be separated and declared their independence. It was a happy accident that the coastal tides dragged their country south into a tropical region.

Canada is still bitter, but they have embraced the new beverages that come out of the now sunny and warm Jamaica. One such drink is a combination of mango and carrot juice. Okay it's pulp and puree, but that might actually make it better. It's mostly mango, with just the slightest hint of carrot. You really don't taste the carrots at all unless you breathe through your nose (especially with the nectar still in your mouth). It has a nice consistency that is not overly thick, but more so than a normal juice.

Good work Jamaica. You have succeeded where Quebec has failed. In freedom, as well as in the world of beverages.

Thus far I have been very impressed with all of the drinks I have tried from the Grace company. They make possibly the best ginger beer I've ever had, and the other drinks have been top notch as well. Seeing as I am a huge fan of pineapple I knew I was in for a treat with this treasure bottle.

Like every other pineapple soda I've ever had it doesn't really taste like pineapple. Actually let me change that up (No, I have never heard of a delete key. I type this all up on a typewriter I feel desperately insecure without a typewriter in the house. I unfortunately lent out my Martinelli to my friend Bill and it came back smashed), It tastes like someone took pineapple juice and removed everything acidic about it. All you're left with is a sugary sweet juice. While I would love to have a pineapple soda that showed the fruit the respect it deserves, this is still one of the greatest pineapple sodas I've tried. It's not quite pineapple, but not overly candy-esque.

Underneath the cap it also reads "Dubby know who fi frighten." Translations are welcomed.

I've been groundskeeper of Bushwood Country Club for quite a few years now. Sure before that I was jocking out in Tibet, but that was only briefly. I mean when the Dalai Lama promises you total consciousness, there's really nowhere else to learn there. So here I am at Bushwood and I have to be honest most of the clientele around here are low-grade amateurs. They swing. They hit. They get stuck in the sand trap. Day in and day out it's the same thing. I just sit back and smile politely. I'm no dummy they are the ones with the cash and I live off the tips.

Lately Ty Webb, the only decent golfer I've seen on these lynx in years has been talking up this Golfer Aid drink. He says it's the secret of his game. Who am I to argue? The man has the focus of a statue. You should hear the weird noses he makes on the green. Along with focus, Mr. Webb has been telling everyone that it improves your balance, flexibility, strength, stamina and endurance. Sounds to me like if you drink it you're going to turn into the Hulk or something, but I promised him I'd give it the old college try, and Carl Spackler is a man of his word.

Hmm. This stuff tastes odd in the best possible way. It has to be the agave, but it's sweet in a very specific way that I can really dig. It actually reminds me of that Brain Toniq I tried a few months back. That was also supposed to improve focus, so maybe this is pure focus that I taste. Is this what my deathbed is going to taste like? I sure hope so. I do feel a tad more clarified. Perhaps this would be the best time to go out again and try to kill that darn gopher. He's been plaguing me long enough. With this extra brainpower he should be a corpse and I bet I'll be able to get in a quick back nine before it gets too dark to see. Mr. Webb sure is a smart man. Funny too. I made it through this whole can and I already want another. It's nice. It really just tastes like agave and it's lightly carbonated. I didn't expect that. With a name with "aid" at the end I was expecting some sorts of sports drink, but this is the sophisticated man's sports drink. It's meant for the upper class, and that is what I am for the day. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

I'm pretty certain that the cartoon cat on this bottle may have been modeled after Mike. He's got the swimming trunks, the white shoes, the wrap around shades, it looks like he has a beard, and most importantly it has a look of complete apathy about what is happening around it. That cat is in a good place and it's not going to let outside factors ruin his time. It may take some work though because he appears to be drinking a bottle of this self same orange soda (which has a picture of him on it holding a bottle of the self same orange soda, so on and so forth). If I know this cat like I know Mike, then I can assure you this cat loves hot dogs (and writing over 100 songs about barbeques). I can only assume that he is about to eat half his body weight in hot dogs, and is planning on enjoying this soda to wash them down. Yes it is a scientific fact that orange soda is the perfect beverage to accompany hot dogs, read a book!

Mike cat is going to love those hot dogs. In fact he may go back for more to eat his entire body weight. He is going to be disappointed about his beverage selection though. Look, I've eaten a lot of hot dogs in my life, so it stands to reason that I have also drank a lot of orange soda. It's a fairly low quality flavor of pop. It doesn't give you much to work with, but you don't expect much and that is the beauty of it. DG has somehow managed to make generic orange pop taste off. It starts off just as you would expect it to, but then it fades into lemon-lime territory for some reason. I also feel like there is way more citric acid in each bottle than necessary. I hope Mike cat brought a backup because this isn't going to do what he needs to get done. Maybe he doubled up the DG and brought some of their tasty ginger beer.

I knew that soursop had another name, and I like soursop. It's nice and fruity. I had it in my mind grapes that white gourd was soursop under a different name. I sat down ready to enjoy a nice fruit blast. I didn't get that. I didn't get that at all. Instead I got a mouthful of "cereal tea." My ladyfriend says it tastes like the Japanese dessert mochi. She's right it does, and I don't like those either.

You can take a sip of this and hold it in your mouth for as long as you can hold your breath, and all you will taste is a weak sweet tea. The moment you swallow and breathe it's all cereal and rice. The fact that this comes in a juice box is mind bottling. Maybe children in Taiwan are just accustomed to this flavor. If you gave this to Joe-Schmoe elementary school student I bet they would slap you in your face. I wouldn't blame them. Now I really wish I had some soursop.

For the four months or so that this has been sitting in my cupboard I thought that it was a "Weight Watchers" product. They have their own diet product line, don't they? Even if they don't, I always thought they did, and this was a gift from a friend who I believe ganked it from their mom's house. Now that I'm drinking this and I see that it's not Weight Watchers, I'm a bit disappointed. I don't need diet pop in my life, especially something that looks like it could be a store brand. If I had to review every low rent diet soda in the world, I would probably quit Thirsty Dudes. I don't have the taste buds for it. If I decided to stick it out and reviewed all of the diet orange soda in the world, I bet 99% of them would taste exactly the same. This can does not fall in that magical 1%. Sure it's nicely carbonated and it smells very orangey, but the fake orange flavor plays second fiddle to the gross death taste of Splenda. I don't know how people drink this stuff. I seriously believe that in 50 years they will find out that Splenda and other artificial sweeteners are way worse for you than actual sugar.

Dear Drain, Meet Diet Soda. I hope the two of you have a happy life together.

Dear Italy, Why have I never graced your shores? I feel like I have been nearby several times, but we never made the leap into the birthplace of pasta and organized crime. You are the home to many great things, and I think you deserve for me to visit and show some respect. I promise I will do so in the next few years. We'll have a quiet little date. We'll eat some real deal homemade pasta and sauce and you'll sip on a nice wine while I down glass after glass of the soda that is your namesake. I have to say that I may actually enjoy the soda more than your conversation. You know I don't speak Italian. I understand you're trying to make a point, but when I don't understand a thing you're saying the meaning you're trying to convey is lost. How about you just give in and speak English, just for a little while. The soda on the other hand speaks a language that everyone can understand (well except diabetic). It's the language of flavor. You Italy are more intelligent than most. You may have been the first to carbonate your juices, and didn't give up on the practice. You kept right on trucking. I assume that red oranges are the same as blood orange. If not they sure taste the same. It has a tarter, bolder orange flavor. It's the top of the evolution tree of oranges. They aren't going to get better than this. You took this miracle fruit and added just a little bit of sugar and some nice bubbles and you have something close to perfection.

It might be the soda talking, but you're looking pretty good tonight Italy. Oh you have a little bit of sauce on your cheek. No, not that side the other side. Down a little. To the right. Okay it's gone. Now you have some basil in your teeth....

I always think that Odwalla is on the bottom of the trio of Odwalla, Naked and Bolthouse juices. I call them the big three, because they are the three companies that are readily available pretty much anywhere in the USA. I think I must have always drunk their Super Protein line. I remember the smoothies always being a bit on the chalky side. With the C Monster drinks that is not a problem at all? Do you love orange juice? Do you also have an affinity for strawberries? Then this is the drink for you. There are some grapes and a little apple in here as well, but you don't notice it. All this tastes like it a premium orange juice that has a handful of strawberries blended into it. I bought this because it was on sale for half off, but I think this may have changed my opinion of Odwalla and I'll be checking out their other flavors shortly.

Hangover Joe's sent us a package of these Hangover Recovery Shots. Since none of us here at Thirsty Dudes drink alcohol, we outsourced our review to our friend and cohort Pat Shanahan. Last night was Mohawk Place's (our favorite bar/place for shows in Buffalo) annual Xmas party. Originally Pat was going to wait to get drunk enough to need to drink this, but about halfway through the night he had a change of heart and the PBR flowed like water down his gullet. As you can see from his review he got drunk, fast, and his alter ego "Brocktoon" made an appearance. Here's what he had to say.

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"Sometimes you spend a long evening drinking keg beer at your favorite dive bar. Later, You take a nap on floor. A couple of hours later the bartender gives you a ride home. Nice guy. Fast forward to the morning after. You take a hangover recovery shot. Tastes kinda like generic Smarties. Not too bad. I kind of wish it was bigger. Maybe it helps to relieve the headache, just a little bit, but not too much. Now you have to walk to your friend's house to feed their cat while they are out of town. At least you didn't get arrested, or get anyone pregnant. Merry Xmas." - Pat

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As for a Thirsty Dude's perspective on the taste of this, it tastes like someone mixed an entire package of Kool Aid powder into a shot glass of water. It's sweet, fruity and very strong. I understand where Pat got his Smarties taste. It really tastes like a Kool Aid flavored energy shot. They share a lot of the same ingredients. Actually now that I look at the ingredients of this and a 5 Hour Energy back to back this is pretty much an energy shot with some extra vitamins in it. Makes sense. We wish Pat/Brocktoon a speedy recovery.

It's times like this that I wish we had been more specific when we started Thirsty Dudes. You know, like just pop or just iced tea. That would be a good life, just reviewing iced tea. Nope, we decided to take on the entire non-alcoholic beverage world and because of that choice I sit here now drinking Tampico.

First off, there is no possible way that this started off as a juice. I can only assume they started with a vat of water and added some agents to thicken it up a bit. Then they added a tiny amount of juice concentrate and some artificial flavors. Oh let's not forget the mass amount of corn syrup that was added as well. The result is as much of a juice as Sunny Delight is. It really actually reminds me of a slightly thinner Sunny D, except it's supposed to be mango flavored instead of straight orange. I'll stick with real juice, and dreams of a world where iced tea reigns supreme.

I took one sip of this whist driving and instantly closed it up and threw it in the back seat. This is not good by a long shot. It's like the company took every little thing that anybody didn't like about Vitamin Water, then mixed in Splenda for a sweetener and finally dumped some taurine and caffeine in there to give it a slight chemical energy drink taste.

Splenda has to be my least favorite sweetener. I can get by with other artificial "diet" sweeteners, but Splenda is just chalky and terrible beyond belief. This is supposed to be tropical citrus flavored, and I guess that is hidden underneath all of that fake sugar, but it's hard to make it out through the haze.