Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

The journey has been long and hard. I've come so far that I never thought it would end like this. Here I sit bleeding out after some lame ogres performed a sneak attack on me. I can't believe I didn't see those big lunks coming. Seriously they are about as graceful as drunken elephants, yet they got the drop on me. I had so much gold that I could hardly carry it. Also, my weapons were at their highest level. Now it's all gone. I am going to die with nothing but the clothes on my back…€¦wait a minute! I totally forgot that I had stashed a vile of the essence of Mana in my boot. I took it out of my satchel because I was afraid my abundance of gold would crush it. I really thought I was going to need this when I fought the dark wizard, but if I don't drink it now I'm never going to make it to her lair anyways. Bottoms up. Oh my god this is horrible. I think perchance the keeper of the inn I stayed at a few nights ago switched out my Mana for some tropical flavored floor cleaner. The taste is something I would associate with a fluid that would burn on the way down, yet it is smooth. Smooth and horribly gross. It looks like I am going to die after all, and now with the taste of foolishness in my mouth. What's this? I can feel something surging in me. My wound seems to be healing and my strength is returning. Mana may taste like garbage, but it sure is doing its job correctly. I feel better than I have in years. The energy coursing through my veins is unstoppable. Now I'm off to find those ogres and crush some skulls to get my gear and riches back.

I accidentally purchased this. I just looked quick and thought it was the non-diet version. Oh well. I'm not a huge fan of black cherry sodas, nor do I like diet drinks. Give me a came sugar “regular” cherry soda any day. Oh that would be nice right now. Instead here I sit with aspartame and my friend's darker cousin. Wow, that sounded racist.

If this wasn't diet, I actually think I would really enjoy it. It has actual cherry juice in it, which is a rarity in the world of sodas. It starts you off with a nice sweet fruit flavor, but unfortunately the devil's sweetener calls for a mutiny and the flavor is upset into a gross diet aftertaste. It's still decent and I would choose this over most diet drinks. It's also kosher, so if you're Jewish the doctor says, “You're welcome.”

Martin hated skiing. Let me rephrase that. Martin hated skiing with his family. They were all terrible, which is fine and good except they always went to the same rinky dink slopes. Martin knew what he was doing and dreamed of slopes like the K12 that would provide both excitement and a challenge. Instead year after year his family would pile into the car and go to the most budget ski resort that ever existed. Actually you couldn't even call it a resort. There was no elaborate lodge or rooms for rent. The only structure was a tiny shed that the cashier sat in that also housed a combo hot chocolate-coffee machine. You know the kind with the little paper cups. When you finish drinking your beverage you look into the bottom and there is a symbol from one of the four suits of cards. If it matches up with the one on the outside you won a free coffee or something. I don't think anyone ever won, and if they did I doubt they ever claimed their prize.

Last year Martin's dad had gotten into a scuffle with the machine when it ate his change. He had kicked the crap out of it until the cashier finally looked up from her copy of Vogue and asked him to stop. That was the highlight of the trip for Martin.

Here he was again at the slopes. Luckily the weather had been unseasonably warm this year, so it looked like this was going to be their only trip for the winter. Martin went down the slope three times before he accepted that it was dumb and pointless. He had a couple of quarters in his pocket, so he figured he might as well get a hot chocolate. When he entered the shack he instantly noticed that the machine was gone, and in its place was a shelf of Hot 2 Go beverages and a microwave. How could he not notice, there was nothing else in the shack. The cashier had been replaced with a vending machine of sorts. It was hard times out on the slopes. Oh well, what can you do. Martin grabbed a hot chocolate, peeled off the metal cap and threw the “cup” into the microwave for 60 seconds. When he pulled it out it was actually at a drinkable temperature, so he didn't have to worry if he had waited long enough to not scald his tongue. It actually wasn't bad. It tasted like the same hot chocolate as the machine dispensed, but not as watered down. It tasted more like cocoa than hot sweet water. He had gotten it just to warm him up, but he discovered that he really enjoyed it. It wasn't enough to make the trip a pleasurable experience, but it occupied his time for the 30 seconds it took him to drink it.

Grape soda comes in two varieties. The more natural version and the classic generic children's party drink. The prior is grape juice, sweetener and carbonated water. The latter is loads of sugary syrup, a flavor that doesn't actually taste like grapes that we have accepted as a grape flavor and carbonated water. I'm no fool. I knew that a pop made by Real Soda was going to land in the fake category. I was perfectly fine with that. Fake grape is actually a soda flavor that I can really get behind. It's not something that I would drink all of the time, but it has its place. This drink surprised me though by falling somewhere in-between the two poles. It's definitely more fake grape than carbonated grape juice, but it actually has hints of real grape flavor and not just the garbage fake kind. Also, since it is sweetened with cane sugar instead of HFCS it's not as thick as most grape soda. Calling it light isn't quite right because it is still bursting with flavor. The consistency is just different. In the barbeque and kid's party filled world of fake grape soda this is the best I have ever tried.

Derek's daddy brought this back with him from Korea. It's been sitting in my fridge for months, waiting for the perfect time to review it. Apparently the perfect time was never going to arrive so I grabbed it on my way out the door to a Thirsty Dudes meet up yesterday. I mean is there ever a perfect time to down a can of asparagus juice? Maybe at a family holiday party, but in my world the real stuff is there, so I don't need juice.

At Mike's house we all laughed at the comically out of proportion can on the label. The woman looks so excited to be hanging out on the beach with an obscene amount of asparagus juice. Maybe that's where I went wrong. Perhaps this drink was solely for enjoyment at the beach. You can't argue with that smile. Once our laughter subsided I positioned myself over the sink as I was 90% sure I was going to instantly spit it back out. I cracked open the can and took a sniff. I really had expected this to smell like your pee after you eat a bunch of asparagus. I understand that is completely revolting, but that's how my brain works. Instead of weird pee the liquid in the can smelled like metallic soup. More specifically like spicy vegetable soup that was stored in old tin cans that some kid unearthed while digging in his back yard looking for dinosaur bones. I took as sip and surprisingly was able to swallow. It tasted exactly like it smelled. It was better than I expected, but not as good as I secretly hoped. It tastes absolutely nothing like asparagus, just weird old soup. Imagine if this tasted exactly like a nice lightly salty asparagus that had been sautèed in an obscene amount of garlic. That would be delicious. Instead I get old soup, and no one wants to drink that. Everyone had a sip or two and then the rest went down the drain, where it belongs.

It's Groundhog Day. You've run into Ned Ryerson more times than you can even remember. The same goes for that ungrateful brat who keeps falling out of the tree. The perpetual winter has got you down, so very down. You've learned piano like a pro. You've creepily stalked the girl you like to find out every last detail about her, in order to finally win her over. You've done everything you could think of, but you're still in a rut. You blame the constant grey skies that plague your eternal life. To try to combat this you start taking vitamins and working out. It actually works. You start to feel better about yourself and life in general. You're beginning to have a more positive out look because you're no longer a lazy slob. It feels great to be in good shape. The only problem is that you get so darn thirsty when you work out and the water in this town just doesn't cut it. You read that coconut water is good for replenishing electrolytes. The local health store only carries one brand and one flavor. Oddly enough it's called O.N.E. The flavor that you are stuck forever is grape berry. At first you don't really like it. It has a strange harshness to it that is not quite the same harshness as grape juice. The more you drink the more you become accustomed to it. You realize that it tastes like watered down grape juice with a tinge of berry thrown in. It shouldn't be good at all, but it is and it's refreshing. After a couple of sips you no longer even notice the flavor of the coconut water. All you taste is watered down grape juice with a slight stevia aftertaste. It's not great, but it will do the job. It's too bad that you'll never be able to get the shop to order other flavors for you because the day of their arrival will never come.

If you would like one of the greatest comedic movies of our time to be turned into a tragedy for you read this article. The folks at What Culture use science to determine that Bill Murray's character was stuck in the same day for 33 years and 358 days. As we learn in the movie he has tried to kill himself several times. Who could blame him?

When Mike handed me this drink all I could think about was Duck Tales. Remember the mini series where they go in search of the Seven Cities of Gold? I'm pretty sure it was El Dorado that they were looking for. Man, I loved those episodes. They had the bad guy who was wheezy all the time. It was great. I feel like they used to rerun those episodes all the time. Also, remember that time they went to search for a lost relic, and it ended up actually being relish and Scrooge had just misheard it. Now that is the comedic gold of El Dorado.

This drink may not have that kind of gold in it, but it's decent. It has a light non-citrus tropical flavor to it. I wouldn't place it as either guava or passionfruit though. It's almost flowery tasting, but not quite. I do enjoy it. I just would have given it a different name. It also contains no fruit juice, and has taurine in it for some reason. It doesn't say anything about it being an energy drink, so that is a bit odd.

I wonder if Duck Tales is streaming on Netflix. Nope. They have the first three seasons available on DVD though. I may have to get those.

You know James, the one who traveled the ocean in a giant peach? We all know that upon his arrival to NYC children devoured his magically fruit, much like the rhino devoured his parents. What isn't very well known is that founder of the Tazo company, Bill Tazo, brought in a bunch of tankers and filled them with peach residue. Bill then used that goop to create one of the world's most perfect peach teas. He mixed the peach with green tea, apple juice and the smallest amount of ginger juice. Bill was a visionary. He knew the peach itself would be too strong and everyone's taste buds would be blown. You don't want your customer's taste buds to be blown. If they were why would they buy his products. He balanced out the strength of the peach with the apple juice, and added the ginger to attract the taste buds attention in a slightly different direction. His basic training as a magician finally proved to be useful. It's classic misdirection and it works perfectly. Pouring gallons of this tea down your throat still wouldn't be enough.

Wow, this drink has one of the strongest scents I've ever experienced in a beverage. It smells like two people were making a fruit salad and they sliced into a mango and mandarin orange simultaneously. It's quite a smell to be smelled. I wish the taste were as strong and specific as the smell. There is little if any coconut water flavor in this. The only trace of it is in the aftertaste. The mango and mandarin flavors blend together into a new tropical citrus fruit. If I drank this blind I don't know if I would guess either of those fruits were in it, but knowing they are I can spot them. I like this a lot. If you're into Vitamin Water, but would like to mix things up a bit this would be the drink to do it with. It's evolution baby!

Mark, I quit. I thought this was going to be a dream job for me, but everything went wrong. Dealing with soda day in and out is what fills my mind grapes as I sleep. You know how people count sheep to help them fall asleep? Well, I count soda bottles. I know it sounds insane, but it's my passion. The thing is I can't have my work be a lie. When I submitted my resume to Best Health I believed this company believed in the betterment of the state of our fellow man's health. I suppose it's my fault that I didn't do more research on the company, but I really thought that what we made here was going to be carbonated fruit juice with no sweetener added. That is what I think of when I think of healthy soda. That's not what we make here at all though. What we produce and peddle is flavored sugar water with some bubbles in it. Actually the bubbles aren't a part of the problem at all. They are actually pretty great. The problem is that this soda isn't even close to healthy. Sure it's better for people that corn syrup sweetened soda, but what isn't? On top of that our flavors aren't even that grape. I'm really only basing this statement off of our raspberry flavor. When it's in your mouth it is just sugar soda. There is only the smallest tinge of fruit flavor. When you swallow it does have a generic berry aftertaste, but that's not what a good soda is. Mark, I really think this company needs a complete overhaul, and unless that begins now I'm walking out that door and never looking back.

Sir I assure you that no matter what number you write down it's not going to change my mind. Fine write it down and then I'm out that door. Oh wow! A quarter raise?! If you need me I'll be down in the bottling area. We can't afford to miss a single shipment!

What else is there to say about Mamma Chia drinks that we haven't said before? They are certainly unique. They are also very tasty. They start with a wonderful tasting juice (cranberry and lemonade in this case) and then fill the bottle with the insanity that is chia seeds. The hard seeds are coated in a slimy substance that helps them go down very smooth. They are slimy, but not in a gross way. It adds more of a thickness to the consistency of the drink. It makes drinking fun. And there are health benefits to it.

The flavor of this is strong, but not overbearing. It tastes like mild lemonade with a mild cranberry flavoring. I say mild only because it's neither tart nor bitter like both of the fruits are in their normal form. There is nothing mild about the taste.

The zero calorie Cascade Ice drinks are basically just flavored seltzer water. The 2-calorie version on the other hand is lightly sweetened with sucralose. It's not enough for it to taste overly diet. Actually, this is the least diet tasting diet drink I have ever tasted. It actually is made with pink grapefruit juice concentrate, which gives it an authentic grapefruit taste. The artificial sweetener makes sure that it's not overly bitter like straight grapefruit juice would be. This also has an incredibly strong grapefruit scent to it. I enjoyed this way more than anyone would have expected.

Jason was ecstatic. It was nearly February and he had yet to get sick this winter. For years the cold weather was basically a death sentence for any sort of social life. Every year like clockwork the cold and dry weather would creep into his world and he would never want to leave his house. For some unknown reason lesions used to form all over the inside of his throat. The doctors had no idea what was wrong with him. It was misdiagnosed as mono and tonsillitis. They would prescribe him antibiotics and in a week or so the lesions were gone. The thing is they would return again before the end of winter. Not having health insurance sure put a hinder on his recovery and wallet. Then one doctor recommended sleeping with a humidifier on. Three years passed with only one throat outbreak, but a normal sickness was ever present. He learned to deal with it and tried his best to live a normal life. This year was different though. He hadn't felt sick at all. He was so happy that he announced it one day with pride. As always when someone does something stupid like announce their health to a room of people, Jason woke up the next morning with a strange feeling in his throat/head. It wasn't a full-blown cold but something was definitely brewing.

Jason went to the store to purchase some juice to make sure his sickness didn't progress. Orange juice with extra pulp was always a standby, but to keep his streak going strong Jason was going to need something stronger. He went to the “fancy” juice aisle, where bottles cost upwards of $10. Perusing the shelves it was a no-brainer as soon as he saw this. It felt like he had found the Holy Grail of health. With a combination of ginger and Echinacea it was virtually unstoppable in the war against winter sickness. The base of this juice is basically honey-sweetened lemonade. Added to that is a vague Echinacea flavor. There is only a hint of it present. It is all rounded out with a nice ginger burn. It's not overpowering like some ginger beers, but it's there enough to let you know that it is prepared to go to war with any virus' in your system. Over the day Jason downed the entire bottle and by the next morning he felt perfectly fine. Jason :1. Sickness: 0.

When I saw the Cooper's Cave sodas in the store I bought every flavor they had. They are a quasi-local company (about 4 hours away) and the labels looked great. Seriously, look at the design on any one of their flavors. They all have a cool comic book look to them. Remember what your mother said; “Don't judge a book by its cover.” This is one of those times when that nugget of wisdom works in the opposite way of what she meant. I guess “All that glitters is not gold” is another way of putting it.

This is one bland birch beer. An average amount of birch beer flavor hits you as soon as you take a swig, and just as quick it's gone. It tricks you in much the same way that diet pop does. You're greeted with a nice flavor that quickly dissipates, but instead of the gross sting of sucralose you're left with nothing. It's strange, it's sad and it leaves me wanting more flavor.

I went into this drink without knowing what to expect. I didn't think I had ever tried rhubarb before, so I wasn't sure what this would taste like. As soon as I took a sip I instantly remembered sitting in the kitchen of my grandparents farmhouse and taking a generous bite of a stalk after some urging by my grandmother. At the time I wasn't a big fan. I didn't think it was terrible, but it wasn't anything I needed to eat.

I now recognize a lighter, dryer version of that flavor in this drink, except now I'm an adult and my tastes are refined. I actually like it and it makes me wish it were summer so I could go cut down a stalk and gnaw on it. As I said the flavor of the rhubarb isn't very strong in this. The same can be said for the strawberry. Both flavors are obviously there, but they are mellow, like Ben Murphy in the film Riding With Death (the best episode of Mystery Science Theatre ever). This could have very easily had a “down on the farm” taste to it, but since they chose to sweeten it with agave it has a modern soda flair to it. Out of every sweetener (except zero calorie ones) agave has the most distinct taste to it, and I love it.

In the 25 years that I lived at home our fridge always had a jug of "blue juice" in it. Yes that's right I didn't move out of my mom's house until I was 25. Sure I could have gotten my own place much sooner, but I was on tour a lot and paying for an apartment when I was gone for a good chunk of time seemed stupid (I did pay my mom rent for the time I was in Buffalo). My living situation isn't the important aspect of this story, the “blue juice” is. That neon fluid was two packets of Kool Aid's Sharkleberry Fin (or whatever the name of that flavor was at the time) and way too much sugar. Our house was famous for this drink, and if we were ever out and my friends went to get a glass there was certainly a minor scene. This may seem like a pointless story, but it is relevant because this drink tastes like Gatorade's version of blue juice. Sure, it has a lot less sugar and that very specific Gatorade taste to it, but the base is all Sharkleberry Fin. I rarely drink Gatorade, but the flavor of this brings me back to a better time before rent and bills were an issue. A time where my friends and I had more of a claim to my family's house than my mom did. Strange times.

Michael loved Saint Patrick's Day. Actually, let me clarify, he didn't care anything about Saint Patrick's Day; he loved the few weeks right before the holiday when McDonalds had Shamrock Shakes. Every year for two weeks he would down as many as he could. When they disappeared for another year it was always a sad occasion. This past year he had kept a quarter of a cup of it in his fridge so he could enjoy it again later. He had planned on holding off for a week or two, but truth be told Michael was a weak willed man. Less than 24 hours had passed since he purchased the frozen beverage before he found himself standing in front of an open fridge with an empty cup and a minty taste in his mouth. It had been glorious, but now the joy was over and he was still thirsty. He had opened the fridge to get some yerba mate, but was distracted by the milkshake. With a shrug Michael grabbed the pitcher of tea and filled up his now empty McDonalds cup. He thought for a second that he should probably rinse it out, but along with being weak willed he was also lazy. When he took a sip he was shocked at how minty the residual shake had made his tea. Normally Michael wasn't a fan of mint tea. It was always overpowering. This was different though. It was smooth and the yerba mate and the mint blended together nicely. He was so pleased with what he created that he ran out into the living room and had his roommate give it a try. Ron, the roommate, was annoyed that Michael was interrupting his viewing of Desperate Housewives, but he knew the only way to get him to leave was to try it. “It's good,” Ron said. “It tastes just like the Guayaki Pure Empower Mint that I drink at work all the time.” With that he turned up the volume and Michael went upstairs to his room, leaving the fridge door wide open.

Imagine spending your entire life hating coconuts and everything they flavor. For years your hatred rose to a point where if anything had even trace amounts of the fruit you wouldn't taste it for all the pineapples in Hawaii. I lived those dark days. It got to the point where I couldn't even see the humor in a coconut carved to look like a monkey. Then one day everything changed. You see I wasn't alone in my anti-coconut crusade. All three of us here at Thirsty Dudes had the same aversion. It was an unspoken bond that we would put off reviewing coconut waters for as long as we could, and with so many beverages in the world that could be a long, long time. One day a package showed up. It was full of dozens of cartons of coconut water. Even though our hatred ran strong, our duty to the website was stronger. We each took a handful of the drinks and went to our respective homes to taste the foulness in peace. I don't know about the others, but I can say that the one I drank was better than I expected, but not something I actually enjoyed. By that I mean that I was able to drink the entire bottle without wanting to throw up. We each posted reviews and we thought we were done with it. Then a magical comment appeared on one of our reviews. It instructed us that we should make sure that we drank coconut water ice cold. I thought what the hell and I gave it a try. I can't explain what a difference a few dozen degrees makes. A drink that was chalky and gross suddenly became refreshing and flavorful. I began to truly enjoy coconut water.

All of that took place about a year ago. Oh how things change. Here I sit in my home and within twelve hours of procuring this carton of coconut water I'm leaning back and enjoying it. The flavor is called “Pineapple Punch,” but since it's pineapple and coconut it really is just a pina colada. Who would have thought that I would ever like drinking pina colada? If you had handed me one in the past it would have gone directly down the drain. Now I'm sipping it from a carton, like my computer room was some kind of paradise. It tastes mostly like normal coconut water with just a hint of pineapple mixed in. Our citrus friend is kept in check, so the drink remains nice and smooth. As an added bonus vitamins from GNC added to it. I don't notice them in the flavor or texture, so that is a good thing.

Now that you are done imaging a world where you hate coconuts take a moment to imagine a world where everyone abbreviates everything and “phenom” is used as an adjective constantly. That would be a frightening place to live.

When I purchased this I thought that the ice cream company of the same name made it. It wasn't until I was looking up the website that I realized that the ice cream company spells their name Breyers. Oops. It has the same name (different spelling) and it's a cream based soda. I don't think I was too far off base. Oh well.

Where Breyers makes quality ice cream, Briar's makes a mediocre lemon cream soda. I wanted this to be a really creamy cream soda, but instead I got a bottle of lemon soda with trace amounts of cream. Actually, the lemon wasn't even that strong. This would have been awesome if it was strong lemonade mixed with cream soda, but alas it's lackluster lemon soda.

Briar's red birch beer looks pretty great. I can't wait to try that. Breyer's Blasts Snickers looks more than great. It looks otherworldly. I should probably mix the two together and lose my mind for a while.


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UPDATE
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We received an email from the company asking us where we purchased this because this flavor has been out of production for several years. They also said, "It would be more like an antique bottle with liquid in it than a soda pop!" Ick.

Years ago while strolling down Mission Street in San Francisco my traveling companions and I were trying to decide where we should get burritos. The number of “Mexican” restaurants on that street alone is staggering. Since we knew we only had enough room in our stomachs for one burrito we needed to make it count. I heard the sound of kids skating, and when I looked over at them I saw one of the most glorious sites of my life. On a building someone had drawn a mural of a sombrero wearing chili pepper with a gun chasing a hard-shell taco wearing glasses. I instantly busted out laughing. I pointed it out to my friends, and we went inside. Coming from the northeast I will always appreciate when I can get some authentic Mexican food. This taqueria served the best burritos I've ever tasted. On top of that they were huge and only $3. After we left my friend Gak informed me that hard-shell tacos did not exist in Mexico and they were a “gringo” thing. I previously had no idea, but that made me love the mural even more.

As soon as I read this label I instantly thought of those burritos. The label says, “Hecho en California por gringos!” It also says, “Pierda peso carbon!” which roughly translates to “lose weight bastard!” Basically it's saying that gringos can't handle the real deal Mexican Cola, so here's a light version of it to help them lose weight because they are all fat. It sounds about right to me. I'm normally not a fan of diet sodas, but it looked interesting so I gave it a try. I wish the flavor had been as interesting as the taunts. This tastes like your everyday diet cola. There is no kick to it at all. If I did a blind taste test between this and any store brand diet cola I doubt I would be able to decide which was which.

Now I'm just thinking about burritos. I wish I was a flight attendant so I could just hop on a plane to the west coast right now to get some quality burritos. Man, that would be the life.