Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

A list of some things that are interesting:
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 6 years.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
- The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.;
- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
- If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
- Hippo milk is pink.
- If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
- Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team his sophomore year.

More interesting than all of those is the taste of this drink. It tastes like winter holidays and tropical locations at the same time. I can only assume that children in the Caribbean leave bottles of this out for Santa on Xmas Eve. Somehow this tastes nothing like I expected it to, yet as an afterthought it tastes exactly like it should. I anticipated a heavy clove flavor, but in fact in this drink lime reigns supreme. The hibiscus rounds out the lime so it's not very tart and it makes it taste fancy. If it were just those two things I'm pretty sure I would love this drink. When you factor in just the faintest hint of clove it puts it through the roof. The clove is the secret to the craziness of this drink. There is nothing harsh about it, but it's there and it's exotic. It's cold here in Buffalo, but while I'm drinking this I'm lounging on a beach with the sun beating down on me and I have a plate of freshly cut mango on the table next to me. Life is good.

Remember when David Bowie proclaimed, “This isn't orange juice, this is genocide”? Yeah, that was weird. I now understand that he was talking about. He was referring to the slaying of thousands of blood oranges to get to their tart, tart hemoglobin. I normally think that the senseless murder of anything is an atrocity beyond explanation, but with one sip of this and you'll be right up front with a juicer of your own. Blood oranges are far superior to your everyday oranges and Nobel is leading the crusade with this juice. I normally wouldn't say this, but I really wish they had added a little bit of sugar to this. Just a pinch would have made a world of a difference. As it is I really like it, but every time I take a sip I can't help but make that “I just put 25 sour Warheads in my mouth at the same time face to win a bet” face. Man is it ever tart.

All energy shots are basically everything in a large can or energy drink condensed into a little bottle. It's to be expected that the flavor is going to be very strong and not too pleasant. If you take three of those little bottles and boil them down and make one bottle out of the trio you get one of these. When it's in your mouth it just tastes like an extremely concentrated strong grape flavor, but the instant you breathe in the most intense chemical energy drink taste I've ever experienced. It's not very good, but that is not the point with energy shots. No one buys something like this for a nice tasty treat. The point of them is for strong, lasting energy and when it comes to that this shot certainly pulls through.

A haiku about Dr Brown's Ginger Ale:

light ginger-less soda
too dry to enjoy at all
watered down garbage

I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. Some do it for spiritual guidance. I do it for profit and energy. You see, what most snake handlers don't know is that if you take the venom of specific breeds of snakes and mix them with the proper ingredients they make one heck of an energy drink. Recently I've been into the sweet juice produced by the taipan. A lot of people have compared the taste of it to mangos, but I really think it has a bit of a pineapple zest to it. I see the mango there too, but if anything it's a hybrid of the two. After I mix it together with my other ingredients it tastes like someone mixed a cheap pineapple soda with some mango juice. It's fairly tasty and the energy boost it gives you is decent enough.
So anyways, every couple of months or so I hop on a plane over to Australia, wrangle up a whole mess of the small slithery creeps and extract away. When I have it all ready I fill up a bunch of vials and umm..hide them on my person. Customs doesn't take to kindly to people smuggling snake venom over international borders. It's an uncomfortable 20-hour flight, but as I said I'm hooked on the snake juice. Sure it's a hard life, but the end results are worth it. You should see my arms. They are more scarred up than a 15 year-old art student who only listens to what Robert Smiths tells them to do. It's not a pretty sight.

I'm glad I cornered you here in this elevator. I bet if we weren't both professionals this would seem really creepy. You know, a guy chasing another guy from the parking lot into a building, and then just narrowly making it into the elevator before the doors closed. If this was a movie I bet I would kill you shortly. Oh don't worry, this isn't a movie and I'm not going to kill you. Or am I? No I'm just joshin' ya.

The reason I wanted to talk to you was because I have a great idea for an episode of your show. No, no please let me finish before you say a word. Okay I know you go into a lot more technical stuff on the show, but I have an idea to do a show about a drink. A specific drink at that: Ichitan's Double Drink. I know you've heard of it because it's one of the most popular drinks in Taiwan and I know you're a worldly man. Here's the breakdown. First you take some nice pale dry ginger ale and shake the crap out of it for a good twenty minutes. Then you open it over a barrel and let the now uncarbonated soda pour in. Secondly, you take a container of plain aloe juice and filter out all of the chunks. The liquid gets poured into the barrel, and I don't care what you do with the chunks. Maybe play pranks with them. Finally you take the contents that are in the barrel and add a buttload of electrolytes so that it has that specific aftertaste that the Rain line of Gatorade has. Shake it all up and put in a bottle to be sold. It's delicious I tell you. I know they throw some berries on the label, but that's just for show.

Oh, I don't work for the company. I just love the drink, and this is how I've recreated it at home. Wait…€¦.what? You don't work for How Stuff Works? You're actually just a janitor? Well why did you let me waste my time you jerk. I'm getting you fired and possibly arrested for impersonating an executive. Prepare to meet your cell you worthless liar!

Welcome to gym class weaklings! You're in high school now and that means you're in the big leagues, and no we will not be chewing shredded bubble gum. If I even think one of you has a wad of chewing stuff in their mouth it's five laps of the track for all of you! As I was saying you're in the big leagues now and you're going to work like dogs. Say so long to the world of badminton and square dancing and say hello to the burnt hands of the rope climb and the slashed shins of floor hockey. For those of you wimps who have doctors notes to excuse you from my class, you will be sitting on the bleachers writing me a five-page paper each class on how you could only wish in your deepest dreams that you could ring the bell at the time of the rope. While you are doing this you will also be sipping from childish milk cartons filled with childish fruit punch. The rest of us will spend seven minutes at the beginning of each class laughing at you while we crush bottles of big boy drinks. That's right gentleman, at the beginning of every class it is mandatory for each of you to drink a bottle of Sobe Energy. We've got an assortment of flavors but the Power Fruit Punch is what I assume most of you will choose, since you are just little boys posing as grown men. It is full of aronia and grape juice according to the label. I always thought it was blueberries and cranberries from the picture, but what do I know about fruits, I'm no fruitologist. Actually now that I know I was wrong about the fruits contained with in the flavor makes more sense. It's has a grape flavor if grapes were from some tropical region. Does that make sense? It doesn't? Well it looks like you just bought yourself 50 pushups Mr. Smartypants. Whatever it tastes like, it's tasty and you should feel proud to be able to down it. It's got taurine, caffeine and guarana in it, so it will give you a nice energy boost for class, as well as the rest of the school day. I don't want to hear anything about sensitivity to caffeine or heart problems. You will drink it and you will like it. Now, BOMBARDMENT!

Greek restaurants in their common form are nothing more than dinners that put feta cheese on their house salads. Occasionally they may serve lamb, but there is not much of a difference between a restaurant called Acropolis and one called Jims. I believe that the Greeks need to seize back their culture. The menus in their restaurants should be slathered with names of foods like spanakopita, gemista and briám. That would liven things up, and perhaps I would visit their establishments more often. I mean what is the point in visiting a Greek restaurant if you're just going to get pancakes and a milkshake. Speaking of beverages those same restaurants should also spice up this section of their menu. With names like Ouzon, Ivi and Epso they would be sure to entice more customers into ordering something to drink other than water. I know I certainly would purchase more than my fair share of Epso. I have a weakness for carbonated orange juice. I hardly ever drink it in the still form, but throw some bubbles into the mix and I just can't get enough. It's sweet, it's bubbly and it could help stir up interest in Greek restaurants.

Oh the original line of Vitamin Water. How many bottles of you have I downed over the years? Dozens? Of course. Hundreds? Certainly. Thousands? Now that might be pushing it.

You see for years I had chronic stomach pain. I would wake up fine, but by the time I went to sleep at night I was in intense pain. I went to the doctor in 2001 to get it checked out and he gave me some pills. They worked a bit, but my insurance ran out and I didn't go back to see a doctor for over a decade. I learned to live with the pain. Then I went on tour in Europe and after a few days I noticed the pain was subsiding. By the time I headed back to the States it was gone. The first thing I did when I got home was to grab a slice of good pizza and drink a can of Arizona. That night my pain returned. I was extremely confused. It took me awhile before I discovered that most European companies don't use high fructose corn syrup. I decided to try cutting it out of my beverage diet. Again the pain went away. I had the secret to a stomach pain free life. Around that time Vitamin Water was one of the few companies readily available in gas stations that didn't use HFCS. I started drinking it constantly, to an extent that was probably unhealthy.

During this time Revive was one of my favorites. It's supposed to be fruit punch, but it doesn't exactly taste like it, maybe a little, but a very, very light version of it. I would narrow it down to more of a berry based fruit punch rather than a tropical one. If you haven't tried this before I'd be shocked. Now you know a stupid story abut me that doesn't affect your life at all. You also know very little about this drink. Here's a bit more. It's not overly sweet, but it's fairly flavorful. You know what? You can find this anywhere so just spend the dollar and try it yourself.

For the quantity of peaches that I have consumed in my life I am shocked that I have not had more of its less fuzzy cousin the apricot. Truth be told I think I may have consumed maybe three whole apricots during my time on this planet. I have eaten it by the ton in its dried form though. The reason for that is because my mom would always buy a bag from the bulk section for some reason. Dried apples or pineapples would have been my go-to, but she always chose the apricot.

This is 27% juice and all of it is apricot. A lot of companies cut their juice with apple fluid, but Jumex keeps it strong with pure apricot. Well, at least the 27% of it that is actually juice and not water or sweetener. Even thought 73% of what is contained in this can is not apricot based, it sure tastes like it is. If you're a fan of apricots and you don't mind juice that is mostly not juice then give this a shot.

In the limited amount of time that I have spent in the UK in my life there is one thing that I have learned above all else; the fine folks there sure know how to make a great cup of tea. I have been a fan of herbal teas since my teenage years, but it wasn't until I toured the United Kingdom for my first time that I could honestly say that I was a fan of straight up black tea. Every night after we would play a show we would head back to someone's house to stay for the night. Without fail, as soon as we settled in, our host would as us if anyone would like a cup of tea. For the first couple of days I experimented with different variations. I started off drinking it black, but it was too bitter. Then I tried it with just sugar. It was still not quite right. By day three I had resigned to drinking my tea with both cream (soy if they had it) and sugar. It was incredibly relaxing, and enjoyable to the taste buds. Every night that I have spent in those countries since has been accompanied with a nice cup of tea.

A company from Taiwan may make this, but it really reminds me of the tea I had in the UK. Well a cold version with a bit more creamer in it. I have to be honest here. It has a lot more creamer in it. It's a bit too much, but it's still enjoyable. I feel like the fine folks abroad would enjoy this as a to-go drink on a hot summer day. Then as the day cools down and the night sets in they would enjoy a nice cup of their classic hot tea.

When she was younger Izze was obsessed with fruit. She would go out to her grandparent's farm and just devour any sweet piece of produce she could find; apples, pears, strawberries, raspberries, peaches, plums and even an odd cherry or two. She would often exclaim that when she grew up she was going to be a horticulturist so that she could grow the world's juiciest, sweetest fruits and keep them all for herself. Did I mention she was also a spoiled little brat? Her grandparent's farm was their only source of income. As much as they loved their granddaughter they always feared when she came to visit because their profits would drop drastically. Man that little girl sure could put away a lot of fruit. Their love won out in the end, and as a solution they went into debt, bought some more land, and expanded their farm. They used the extra fruit to make sparkling fruit juice, which they named after their beloved granddaughter. The juice actually caught on and became a hit. They owed their fortune to that little girl with the bottomless pit of a stomach.

As Izze grew older, she became more interested in things other than fruit. Her horticulture dreams were out the window. Now she wanted to be a magazine writer. No one knows why. She still loved her grandparents though and visited them often. When they realized her interest in fruit had waned they also noticed that she was beginning to drink a lot of garbage pop. Her grandmamma wanted to make sure that he health didn't suffer due to this so she used their gear and created a batch of her own soda for Izze to drink. The first batch was her take on ginger ale. Izze had been downing a lot of Vernors lately, so it seemed like a good place to start. She somehow managed to create a pale dry ginger ale that still tasted like ginger beer, but with no trace of a burn at all. It tasted clean and crisp, and best of all was that it was all natural. It tasted better than the mass-produced store bought stuff that Izze had been bringing around so she loved it. It didn't catch on with other people as much as their sparkling juices had, but it still won the hearts of quite a few soda drinkers. This all happened because of a little girl. That sounds creepy.

Things are strange when you get a “diet” version of a drink that doesn't taste all too different from the original, and that certainly doesn't taste diet. This says it's lo-cal, the strange this is there isn't a no calorie sweetener in it. It still has evaporated cane juice in it. I'm assuming it's just a lower quantity of it. The drink does taste a lighter than the original, but I think it actually makes it more enjoyable. Acai can be one intense fruit, and here it's mellowed out. Natural energy that tastes decent. Well done Sambazon.

Franklin loves pancakes. He can't get enough of them. Some people have breakfast for dinner once and awhile as a treat, but Franklin has had pancakes for every meal for the past decade. You see his mother didn't approve of them. You see Franklin's father left her for the waitress who worked at the diner that would go to every week after church. Every week he would order a half-stack and silently flirt. One day he ordered a full-stack and once he polished them all off he announced that he was leaving the family, grabbed the waitress by the hand and disappeared into the summer sun. Franklin's mother never really recovered. To try and save face she blamed it all on the “devil's flapjacks” as she called them. From the time he was 7 until he left home at 18 Franklin never tasted another johnnycake. He would never let his mother know the truth, but as soon as he left home his obsession took hold and he ate battery goodness at every chance. He would drown them in maple syrup and just dig in. Sure he gained a lot of weight, but wasn't it worth it for that forbidden fruit?

Franklin eventually got a job at Tommyknocker soda brewery. He started as janitor, but slowly worked his way up to brewmaster general. It was then and only then that his genius was released on the world. Franklin put together a recipe that was sure to turn the soda world on its ear. He somehow successfully combined the nation's love of root beer with his own love of pancakes. Don't ask me how, I certainly don't know. He keeps his recipe locked tightly in the safe that is his mind. All I know is that the Tommyknocker root beer tastes like a nice vanilla and licorice heavy root beer that has been infused with liquefied pancakes that had drowned in a sea of syrup. It's strange. I'm not a fan of maple syrup myself, so I'm not a huge fan of this, but if you are this will leave you in a sticky sweet heaven.

Sometimes life gets you down and you don't know what to do to make things right. It is the job of your best friend to recognize these times and do the only thing that could possibly save the day: take you to the dirt mall to see a fortuneteller. There is nothing that the dirt mall fortuneteller cannot see about your future. She will guide you onto the righteous path. When you settle down in her stall she will tell you to relax and to focus. She will have a Eastern European accent, so don't let your mind drift to dark places. Also, don't let it drink to this wonderful drink. I understand that it is easy to focus on Focus, but that's not why you're there. You're there to sort your life out. It is very fruity and refreshing though. It's hard to not slip into a train of thought that is filled with strawberries and just the slightest hint of kiwi. A train of thought that is smooth and light, not too syrupy like many thought trains are. It's like a dinning car fill with vitamins and minerals that are needed when you spend most of your meals in a food court. Sure it doesn't really taste the way strawberries do, but more like the way strawberry scented things smell. It's strange that it is still enjoyable, but it is.

Now what did she just say? Ahh yes that your birthday falls between the first and last of Oct-To-Ber.

Along the I-90 in South Buffalo lies the abandoned Buffalo Malting Company. It's funny because I must have driven past it nearly a thousand times in my life, but it never registered. When someone mentioned it to me I actually had to put effort into finding it. I passed by twice until I realized where it was. It had become so engrained (no pun intended) in my mind as part of the scenery that I just wasn't registering it as an individual building. Then I saw a couple of jag off teenagers smashing things there. What fills people with the need to destroy things for no reason other than destroying it? It's infuriating. Sure it's abandoned but it's apart of the cities history and it's interesting to see what has been left behind.

I'm 99.9% sure that the grain that was processed in that building was never used to make soda, but a guy can dream can't he? I just picture it back in the 50's and the guys are strolling into work carrying their huge metal lunch pals with smiles on their faces because they know their hard work is going to make tasty sodas for the world to enjoy. During their shifts their minds will wander wondering what flavoring will be added to the malt. Will it be pineapple, grape or maybe a nice fancy raspberry? They each would get a case to bring home to the family on weekends and everyone would gather around the picnic table eating hot dogs and washing them down with a nice delicious malt.

The problem with this scenario is that I just cannot see kids enjoying malt soda right off of the bat. I think it's something of an acquired taste. I certainly didn't like it the first time I had it (I still think straight up malt drinks like Malta Goya are very high on the list of worst drinks ever). They have a weird grainy barley taste to them. It's like a non-alcoholic beer, which is also disgusting. The more I drink them to review for Thirsty Dudes the more I appreciate the complexity of the flavor. Perhaps if you grew up drinking them since you were little it would be a flavor that you loved. This particular malt would definitely take a shorter time to grow into. It's got a nice raspberry taste similar to a lot of raspberry iced teas, but instead of being mixed with tea it is mixed with processed grains. Strange, but who am I to judge? Oh yeah, I'm a professional drinkologist.

While Euroboy may be as graceful as can be when it comes to playing guitar, the same cannot be said about the rest of his life. The sad truth is that he is the klutz of Turbonegro. Whenever the band gets together to practice or a show at some point or another Euroboy will break something. It's really his hat that is to blame. With that thing on he really can't see a thing, but he just refuses to take it off. In 2003 when the band had a party to release their album “Scandinavian Leather” Hank from Hell ordered a case of Glogg to celebrate in true Scandinavian fashion. He was so proud of his score, but then Euroboy came bumbling in and crashed into the table. The case went flying and all but one bottle were smashed. It was a sad state of affairs and it's what ultimately led to Hank leaving the band years later.

Oh you've never heard of Glogg? Well it's a traditional Scandinavian winter beverage that is in essence grape and apple juice mixed with chai. You are supposed to drink it hot. I recommend that you do so because when it's cold it tastes like someone dumped some liquid potpourri into juice. It's pretty gross. It smells wonderful. It smells the way Christmas should, and not like burned churches as you might expect something from that region to. When you heat it up it is much better. It is very intense. It's definitely a sipping beverage and not something that you would chug. It's sweet and full of spices such as cinnamon, cloves and cardamom. I would have never thought of mixing chai with fruit juice but it makes an interesting match that will help keep you warm during those long Eastern European winters. Now go listen to any of the three albums that Turbonegro released as the Apocalypse Trilogy and pump your fist. There is no better album than “Apocalypse Dudes” for keeping you awake on those long overnight drives.

Not too long ago Dublin Dr Pepper got the old cease and desist letter from the Dr Pepper Snapple Group. For decades the Dublin Bottling Company followed the original Dr Pepper recipe, except they used cane sugar instead of HFCS. I'm not a huge fan of Dr Pepper, but I have to say I definitely enjoyed the Dublin variety more than the normal version. In the wake of this news fans will now have to resort to other companies knock offs if they still want cane sugar. Real Soda has stepped up to the plate with their Doctor Dublin. It's not quite the same as Dr Pepper, but I think they have improved upon the recipe. From the flavor I can only imagine that they lowered the ingredients that add the cola style flavor to Dr Pepper and increased the ingredients that caused the fruity flavor. It's nothing crazy or shocking. The difference in flavor is subtle, but I like it. If you're a Pepper I suggest keeping your eye out for this.

Every time I looked at this bottle on my shelf I mistook the guava on the label as a banana. As we've covered before bananas are gross. They are actually the only fruit I can't hang with. Guava on the other hand is one of my favorites. If this were strawberry banana it would have been hard for me to get one sip down. Luckily that's not the case and I am sitting here wishing that the bottle were bigger. It is pure guava and strawberry juice mixed together with a little water and sugar. Honestly had they not added the sugar this would have gotten a five-bottle review, but I'll take what I can get. It's sweet, fruity and oh so tasty.

We are gathered here to celebrate the unholy alliance between Elvira Mistress of the Dark and the Crypt Keeper (you know the bony guy from Tales From the Crypt). I for one would like to say it's about time these two teamed up and I am glad that they found love together. Wait, what is that? The Crypt Keeper is just a puppet and not a real thing? Well that just makes this awkward. Elvira can't marry a puppet. That won't fly in this state. That wouldn't even fly in Vermont! So we're all agreed that the wedding is off? Good. I'm sorry to waste everyone's time. Feel free to eat all the food, no reason it should all go to waste just because someone didn't do any research on whether or not her future husband is real or not. That's right Elvira, I'm looking in your direction. For shame!
Okay everyone; don't forget your wedding favors. Since this wasn't a traditional wedding, we decided to do things a bit different and had some soda made up. We came up with it fairly last minute and the brewery needed a label quick, so we just called it "Elvira-Crypt Keeper Cola." The printer messed up, as they always seem to do and it ended up saying "Elvira's Crypt Keeper Cola." I guess that makes more sense now anyways. So yeah, grab your bottle and enjoy. It's a smooth cola. We expected it to be fairly dark with some bite, but nope. As I said it's fairly smooth and simple. It actually reminds me of the cane sugar version of RC Cola. Now there's a great cola and anything that reminds me of it is something I can get behind.
Don't worry Elvira. I forgive you. This ended up being a pretty fun party. You sure know how to liven up the room. Next time just do a bit of research before you pick a potential husband.