Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Wawa: The Pride of Pennsylvania. Now that's a slogan the state should look into. Sure I know there are Wawa stores in a couple other states, but I always associate it with PA, specifically Philadelphia. They are truly something to be proud about as well. I've been in an obscene amount of gas stations, mini marts and convenient stores in my day and I can safely say that Wawa falls in the top three greatest I have ever been in. The greatest of their achievements is their ever-expanding line of iced teas. They are a made with real sugar and actual brewed tea, something to boast about in the world of store brands. My most recent trip to Philly was the first time I had seen this flavor there. I quickly grabbed it and some soft pretzels and made my way for the door (well after paying of course). Once outside I clicked a quick picture and downed most of the bottle with my salty bread products. It was a wonderful combination. The surprising thing about this tea is how much it actually tastes like tangerines. I've had a few tangerine flavored drinks in my time and I have to say this is one of the more authentic tasting ones. The goose has shown us the way once again.

Sometimes you have a restless night where you repeatedly fall in and out of sleep. Sometimes at 5am you think to yourself “enough is enough.” You then get up and down a “relaxation drink.” After you lay back down you shortly reenter the world of slumber. You dream that you're in an airport and your flight was canceled and no one will give you a direct answer as to when you will be boarding a plane, as if it was your fault your flight was cancelled. Eventually you wake up feeling refreshed, thinking to yourself “well that drink really worked.” It's not until you grab the “shot” bottle that you realize that it wasn't a relaxation drink at all, but rather an alcohol recovery & rehydration shot. Sometimes you feel like a complete moron and question everything that you once thought was real. Do relaxation drinks really work? Is Bill Murray really that funny? Are hot dog stuffed crusts on pizza really the single greatest idea of our generation? Don't worry the answer to all of those questions is most definitely yes. You were just tired and half asleep. Sure it was psychosomatic that it worked and you fell back asleep, but it probably would have happened anyways if you had just waited a little longer. The end times are not here, you can rest well.

So yes, this is in fact not a relaxation drink, but I will say that I woke up feeling refreshed, so it works to some extent in its proper function. If you got completely, sloppy wasted I'm not sure it would be much help, but for a couple of drinks I'm sure it would help you not feel like dog doo doo in the morning. Unfortunately, the flavor is not the greatest. It tastes like someone boiled down some lemon lime Gatorade down to a concentrate and pouring it into this little bottle. It's far too strong and it tastes wrong, but it's a shot and that is how most of them taste. Oh well.

All I can think of since I picked up this can today is that stupid Metallica song “Fuel.” The terrible tribal flames on the can don't do much to help either. There is a broken record in my head, and all I hear is “Give me fuel. Give me fire. Give me that which I desire.” Infinite loop. I don't even know if I've ever even listened to the entire song. Do you remember back in the 80's when bands like Metallica and Slayer seemed like the evilest things ever? I remember the kid down the street from me stole a Slayer tape from his brother and I was scared to listen to it. We finally did and I thought it was the fastest music I had ever heard. I also thought that it was pretty awesome. That same kid and I also got in trouble that year in school because we were reading a Sandman comic that had the devil in it (he didn't even look like a demon, just a dude). The fact of the matter is that both those bands were decent back then, but now I have friends that are in bands that play way faster and are way more evil. It's strange how our perceptions change.

I can tell you two perceptions of mine that I don't think will ever change. First off newer Metallica is garbage and it feels like the band is playing a joke on people. Secondly this is not a very good energy drink. It just tastes like carbonated diet sugar water with the faintest hint of fruit punch. There isn't even a fake candy taste to it. It's just total sucralose. I'm a guy who prefers diet Red Bull to the regular version, and I just can't get down with this. It does its job of getting you energized, but there are hoards of other diet energy drinks out there that do the same while tasting better. Leave this one to gather dust in discount stores.

I wasn't expecting to drink this today, but then I noticed that it was going to expire this week, so it moved to the top of the priority list. There are two ingredients in this bottle: apples and grape juice. I love that it says apples instead of apple juice, because it just makes you think of exactly how fresh this juice is. I can only assume they juice their grapes and then instantly press some apples into said grape juice. The results are beyond delicious.

Grape juice has the tendency to overpower other juices they are mixed with, but Red Jacket knows what they are doing and both juices exist in perfect harmony; neither overpowers the other to any extent. The most important thing to this juice is that there is no sweetener added to it. It's juice and nothing more, the way things should be. It makes me never want to purchase another “shelf juice.” If it's not in a cooler, with a short shelf life it's pretty safe to say it is inferior to this beverage.

As you most likely know the “band” Insane Clown Posse has a love for Faygo. They and their Juggalo fans spray it all over their shows. It's a pretty safe bet that sine the company began in 1907 sales have never been higher. Something that you might not know is that the Faygo company wants absolutely nothing to do with ICP. They consider themselves a family product and do not wish to be associated with the violence and obscenity that is prevalent in the clown's music. Proposals from the group for the company to produce limited edition sodas (and rumored energy drinks) have all been turned down. That is your history lesson for the day, now on to the important part: the flavor. This is exactly what you think of when you think of grape soda. It doesn't really taste like grapes, but it tastes like everything you associate with grape flavor. Specifically it keeps making me think of grape Bubbalicious gum that I used to chew when I was a kid. Now that was good gum. Normally I would choose a soda that was juice based over a “candy” soda like this one, but I can't argue that it isn't delicious. It's probably the best fake grape soda I've ever tried. I'm sure that has to do with the cane sugar. It's not often that you come across one sweetened that way.

First off I would like to thank you on behalf of our resort for choosing us as your vacation destination. We know that Mexico has gotten a lot of bad press lately for being dangerous, but we just wanted to let you know that our resort, and it's approved activities, are as safe as can be. We understand that for many of you this is your first time visiting our fair country. We are sure that you will have nothing but the best of times on your trip. We would like to start you off properly by serving you some nice aguas frescas. For those of you who are unaware what I am talking about, aquas fresas are fruit flavored coolers. To make things extra special we have some special Jamaica coolers today. Jamaica is another name for hibiscus and you are in for a treat. Don't worry Ms. Vanderhosen it's not going to taste like your perfume. While it is a flower, when you add sugar to it, it brings out the sweetness and the floral taste is left wayside. Now each of you take a bottle. Why the look Ms. Vanderhosen? No it is not fresh, I am sorry that you thought it would be. Believe me I would love to serve you fresh agua frescas morning, noon and night, but the Nestle company is one of our main stock holders, so they make us serve their products. It is 100% natural though, so there is no need to worry, drink up. Now Ms. Vanderhosen there was no need for you to spit your drink all over poor Mr. Saunders. I'm sorry you don't like the taste, but the flavor did not warrant a spit take. I'm sorry that you think it tastes oddly sour and dark, yet overly sweet at the same time. I admit I don't particularly like it myself. I agree that I would prefer it to be lighter and more flowery myself, but beggars can't be choosers. Ms. Vanderhosen please wait. It's not safe outside of our compound walls for you, there is a drug war raging out there. Oh, you would rather take your chances with the cartel and drink a fresh agua fresca than stay in the safety of this resort and choke down bottle after bottle of this sludge? Well, I wish you good luck then.

Gentlemen we are in a predicament. The entire 90's coffee shop fad is finally collapsing and it is seriously affecting the industry. Sure we still have all of the customers that we got hooked back then, but how are we to hook young kids. The whole attraction to the counter culture has gone out the window. In fact the counter culture has become the main culture. The idea of a man with an orange Mohawk and a boa constrictor around his neck has become commonplace. Coffee shops used to be a mysterious place that was for the artists and the “freaks.” Now they are full of college kids with laptops. The youth doesn't want to be like college kids. That is what is expected of them. They are attracted to the cool and unusual. On top of that it seems that a lot of diner style restaurants are putting a ban on kids just hanging out there. Where are earth are these kids supposed to get hooked on coffee? Our quick fix solution is to create and market drinks that are coffee based, but also that don't exactly taste like coffee. We'll make the labels look attractive and hopefully it will become an item of interest for youngsters. Our research shows that while kids could care less about the word “latte” that “cappuccino” is still alluring to them. It sounds grown up and dangerous. Due to this our first beverage in this line will be a cappuccino. The problem is that kids need to be acclimated to the taste of coffee, so we're going to put a bunch of cream and sugar in it, and to top it off a healthy dollop of vanilla flavoring. The result is closer to a vanilla hot chocolate than coffee, but the kids will associate it with coffee, and the trace amounts of coffee flavor in it will work on their taste buds. Gentlemen, I think we're on to something here and this could save our entire industry for future generations. Now someone get me a cup of black coffee, this is really a drink for kids and people who aren't serious coffee drinkers.

Wat-aah! Sent us samples of each of their “flavors.” I use the word flavor as loosely as possible because I have tried two of them thus far, and they both taste like water. I have no problem with that. I drink more than my allotted share of water in a day, but it's hard to find something to say about a beverage that basically tastes like every other bottled water out there. According to the bottle is has a 9.0pH, which according to the chart I just looked up is the pH level of baking soda and sea water. Luckily it tastes like neither of those things. It's clean, cool and refreshing. I definitely enjoyed it, but there is nothing special about it, but that also means that there was nothing wrong with it and it is a stellar example of water, so I gave it a five-bottle review.

About a month and a half ago we got together with the guys from Buffalo Eats to do a podcast. While the interview/us being idiots was going on we drank a couple of drinks and did brief “on air” reviews. The podcast just went live yesterday and while I was listening to it I realized that we never wrote a review for Mendoncino for the site. It is a mixture of fresh ground pepper and sweet strawberries that actually has peppercorns floating in it. We had conflicting feelings on it, so here are some quotes from the podcast:

a lunchroom-esque OHHHH*
Derek: “Jason just recoiled in horror after he smelled it”
Mike: “It tastes like strawberries with peppers on it.”
Jason: “Something tastes really, really not…€¦I like the spiciness to it.”
Derek: “It tingles the tongue.”
Donnie: “It smells way worse than it tastes.”
Mike: “ There's like vinegar in this. Is anyone getting that thing where you pour it in your mouth and you breath in it's choking you?”
Jason: “I'm getting asphyxiation.”
Mike: “Yeah I was going to say, this is auto-erotic.”
Jason: “I assure you there is nothing erotic about this drink.”
Derek: “I'm getting exactly what it says, it's strawberry and pepper. Just pour black pepper over a strawberry.”
Jason: “Something about it is fermented a little or something.”
Derek: “It's definitely fermented, not as much as Fentimens though.”
Jason: “Fentimens is delicious though, this is atrocious.”

Mike gave it a two, I gave it a one and Derek gave it a three, so by the law of averages it is getting a two-bottle review.

To listen to the full podcast go here. The review of this drink can be found from 45:30-48:45.

Sometimes we get to a point where we have just reviewed far too many flavors of the same product line. What's left to say? That you're stuck in a desert and your hallucinating from the heat and lack of fluids, so you follow a lizard, and the lizard talks to you and tells you the secrets of the universe, and informs you specifically what the secret behind pi is. Finally he reaches into his stomach and pulls out a bottle of mango melon flavored Lifewater. The bottle is dripping with viscera and such, but as I said you've been wandering this godforsaken desert for what feels like 40 days and nights and you're wondering how the Jews did it in the bible, so you open the bottle and even though lizard guts are touching your lips you chug that bottle of refreshment. It tastes like someone dissolved a mango and melon flavored powder in a bottle of water and didn't quite shake it up well enough. It also tastes very diet, but in the erythritol way and not the sucralose way, you know the way that is tolerable. As soon as you swallow that last drop that tastes somehow grainy even though it doesn't in texture, you turn to look at the lizard, but you realize that you're not in the desert at all. You are actually in the middle of math class and you've drooled all over your protractor. There is an empty bottle on the floor next to your desk and you have a vague recollection of buying it from the pop machine in the cafeteria. For some reason there is still lizard guts on your lips. Is that what's left to say? If so, strange times indeed.

Sir, I'm sorry but I cannot let you in with your current attire, as this is a Red Jacket party. Yes, I know that the party is for the company Red Jacket Orchards, but they wanted to take it to the next level. The idea behind it was that “black tie” affairs are far too stuffy, but it would be fun to have a party where everyone just wore red jackets. If you want we have some extra coats here, since we knew people wouldn't get the idea. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to find red suit coats in this town. All I could find was this array of “jackets.” Yes, I had to take liberty with the word jacket and a bunch of these are actually coats and other. Sir, you are kind of a big man, so this parka looks like it will be the only one that will fit you. I know it's the middle of August, but you need to ask yourself, “Do I really want to go into this party? Is the juice worth it?” Before you answer reach into the pocket of the parka. I believe there is a small bottle of Red Jacket apple cider in there. Taste that and then choose your fate. Well that sounded dramatic. Just taste the juice and then either put on the parka, or be on your merry way. It's that simple.

Well it took only one sip and you're all parkaed up. Sir, you don't have to zip it up all the way. All that is required is that you have the jacket on. I know the juice/cider is delicious. I do work for the company, I'm not just some hired gun here to sling out jackets at the front gate. I also know that it is kind of weird to drink cider in the summer. It's traditionally an autumn drink, but its not written on any law books that it must be drank during a certain season. The juice is sweet and appley just like a cider should be. It does taste a little lighter than most other Western New York ciders I've had, but I'll blame that on the season and the apples that must have been used to make it. It doesn't make it gross by any means. Obviously it's a completely wonderful juice as you are willing to don a parka in 95 degree weather just for a chance to drink some more of it. No sir, I don't think you are dumb at all. If our positions were reversed I'd be doing the same thing. I mean where else are you going to find a more than decent cider at this time of year? The answer is nowhere. Now get in there and drink juice until your heart is content.

Did you know that chia seeds are what demigods grow from? True story. We've all heard the storied about how “primitive” people used to sacrifice virgins to their gods in order to appease them and ask for any number of gifts in return. Well that is just plain silly and barbaric. Somewhere along the line someone messed up a translation. You see in ancient times sacrifices were all the rage, but they had absolutely nothing to do with virgins. What does a god want with a virgin anyways? Nothing, that's what. They are gods they can jut conjure up anything they like. Anything except one thing that is, and that thing is chia seeds. They are a sacred, sought after item for gods. You see much like Link needs to collect rubies in The Legend of Zelda in order to trade them for various weapons and dry goods, the gods much also collect chia seeds in order to trade them in for demigods. You see our life is meaningless to the ancient gods, except for the fact that they can use us to help gather chia seeds in order to win the game. Oh didn't I mention that part? You see at the beginning of time, there were a bunch of bored gods. They sat around each other's houses all the time bored, complaining that there was nothing to do and that being omnipotent was such a burden. One of them, maybe it was Odin (he always had the best ideas), came up with the idea for a game where all of the gods had to collect as much as something as possible, and then at a predetermined date they would count them all up and the one with the most one. It sounded boring at first, but then Odin, being the world's first dungeon master, created an elaborate world in which the game would take place. In order to make the game harder, he created a new item called the chia seed. The gods could not just magically wish for them and they would appear. They had to have the inhabitants of the world gather the seeds for them. For every million seeds that were presented to them they could create an item that they were to be collecting. Everyone agreed that is was better than what they were doing so they began the game. After a while it seemed that it was taking all of the gods forever to collect the appropriate amount of chia seeds so Odin amended to rules so that the collected items would be demigods, and those demigods could also be used to raise more chia seeds. It was actually quite elaborate and Odin won a bunch of awards for it at the Omnipotent Awards that year.

So there you have it the true history of the gods and chia seeds. Now that the game is winding down the humans who once harvested the seeds for the gods have lost interest. To be honest they have pretty much lost all awareness of their task. Instead of gathering the seeds in order to present them to their specific gods they instead have started putting them in their beverages. You see not only are they good for creating demigods they are also chock full of fiber, omega-3 and antioxidants. Chia\Vie has made this drink with the seeds. They mixed some fruit juices and then ground down a bunch of chia seeds and added them to the drinks. It's a little gritty, but not too bad. This specific flavor is supposed to be mango, but it ended up just tasting like cheap orange juice that had sat out for a long time and then rechilled. There's a bit of mango in the mix, but old-orange is definitely the prevalent flavor.

Why on Earth do all of these drinks taste like they have some sort of artificial sugar in them when they are actually sweetened with inverted cane sugar? I think they might actual be decent vitamin based water drinks, but nope something just tastes wrong in all three flavors I've reviewed. As I've said in the past it may just be that they don't do a very good job of disguising the taste of the ridiculous vitamins and minerals and dirt and stones that are in the drink. I can tell you that I taste approximately zero apple and very minimal cranberry in here. It has a general quasi fruit flavor that seems like it will be good for you because of the off flavor. I wouldn't purchase this again. I also wouldn't advise that you do either with so many other companies doing a similar thing that taste much better.

When I was in high school a bunch of my friends and I stopped by a grocery store for some provisions for a night of hanging out in the woods. Okay the woods were actually the fields at the end of one of the kid's street, but there were a bunch of trees and we had a totally sweet hang out spot. I don't remember what I got to drink, but I can assure you that I purchased a huge loaf of Italian bread. I can also assure you that I ripped off the top, hollowed out a bit of it, filled that space with bulk candy and then popped the top back on. What can I say; I was poor and a thief. Sue me. My purchases aren't the important point of interest here. The important thing is that my one friend bought a jug of loganberry drink. He was so stoked because it was in this huge jug. When we got down to the fields he opened it up took a huge sip and immediately spit it everywhere. You see he wasn't the most observant kid, and he failed to notice that the jug was a concentrate and not ready to drink. He was probably supposed to mix in a gallon of water or so with the amount he gulped. I bring this up because as I took a sip of this I had a similar reaction. I didn't spit it out, but I was fairly sure it was a concentrate. Nope. This is just ridiculously sweet and ridiculously strong. I don't mean that in a good way either. I really only made it maybe ¼ of the way through the bottle, and it got less intense the more I drank, but it still didn't taste very good, hence my dumping the rest. White tea normally has a very specific taste to it, but with all of the added sugar in this you can't even tell. This would be any type of tea, or just sugar water and you would never know the difference. It also contains 1% juice, which is laughable. That juice is pomegranate, and it just tastes like some sort of pomegranate syrup that would be put on a snow cone.

Not only was this gross, but it also was 1.5 liters of gross. That is 1.4 more liters of grossness than I needed to know I didn't want any part of it.

Last year we had Avery's bottle some private label birch beer and sarsaparilla for us. We made up some rad Thirsty Dudes labels and Mohawk Place, a rad local bar, sold them. Within a couple of days we were out of all of them. We wanted to order more, but the shipping cost was too high to make it cost effective. We've been searching for a closer bottler since. That's not really important. What is important is that the sarsaparilla we got from them was decent, but nothing to write home about. It was actually fairly light in color, which was a bit odd. I realized we never ended up reviewing one of them for the site, so we ended up picking up a bottle of it at Soda Pop Central. Since we already knew what it tasted like we have been sitting on it for a while. Now the time has come and I have to say that this tastes way better than what they bottled for us. Maybe we got a bum batch or something, but this is very strong. It actually tastes more like a root beer than a sarsaparilla. Actually it tastes like a root beer while a whole mess of licorice in it. It's dark and great. It's a bummer that our batch wasn't their best, but it's good to know that this company can make a really nice soda. I wouldn't pass it up if I saw it in the store, and neither should you. Now someone find us a place to inexpensively bottle some soda with a Thirsty Dude's label.

Finally the world has combined tea and coffee into a single drink. Only the finest coffee beans and tealeaves are used to create this unholy alliance. Oh wait, no that is wrong. This drink actually has nothing to do with coffee at all. It has java in its name solely because the tealeaves they use to brew this from on the island of Java. To be honest I am actually relieved. I don't think I would really like a hybrid drink. I mean sure I would drink it, and I bet tons of people would actually love it, but I can't see it being for me, especially if it was unsweetened. This drink on the other hand is wonderful because it's unsweetened. They microbrew the precious Java tea leaves and that is that. There is absolutely no reason for them to mask the taste of this tea, and they know it. It is the best tasting unsweetened black tea I have ever tasted. It has the subtle bitterness of unsweetened tea, but it is also very, very smooth. It's incredible flavorful, and it tastes like it is made from some specialty tea that would cost way too much from a store in the mall. Well done Tejava.

It's official I am now terrified of black mambas. I was all, “Oh, they are just venomous snakes. You get bit, someone sucks out the poison, or you get some antidote and you're good to go.” Think again friendo. The black mamba is one of the most deadly venomous snakes in the world. If you get bit, it can take less than 20 minutes to kill you, and according to the internets, which we know never lies, “Chances of surviving the bite is less than none.” On top of that that are between 10 and 15 feet long. That is one big friggin` snake. It's terrifying I tell you.

Knowing the above information I now think this drink's tagline should be “Chances of feeling tired or sluggish is less than none.” Except they would spell less “lessssssss” to imitate the sound that snakes make, or don't really make in real life. This looks like a tiny can, but it's really the same amount of liquid as a normal size Red Bull. They are just pulling some spatial magic. I believe it's supposed to be a fruit punch flavored energy drink, but it tastes more like red Pixie Stix. I'm okay with that, and so should you. Sure it's got a bunch of artificial ingredients in it that would probably poison you if you consumed them in a large enough quantity, but hey they call it Venom for a reason. Now drink up and face the snake. Okay that was a better tag line. Someone really needs to hire us to write copy.

If you were a teenage slacker in the 90's like I was, you probably made several trips a day to a corner store/mini mart. They were a right of passage for our kind. It was somewhere to waste time and get junk food; a win-win situation. I drank more Brisk in my day than anyone probably should. I didn't know better. I was young and new to the iced tea game. I thought Brisk was great. I would have drunk it by the gallon if it was available in that large of a quantity. Basically, I was an idiot. Now I'm a grown ass man and I am a bit of a tea coinsure. I understand that Brisk is garbage tea. Actually, it probably shouldn't even be classified as tea, as it's more sugar than actual tea. Is there even any real tea in Brisk? That being said I haven't touched the stuff in quite a while.

Last week Mike and I went on a little shopping spree at a local super market to pick up some of the more common drinks that we have overlooked thus far for Thirsty Dudes. I ended up with this bottle of peach green tea Brisk. I knew it was going to be pretty gross, and at a liter it was going to get continuously worse. I drank it throughout the day at work and I was pretty spot on. I checked the ingredients and there is no mention of actual tea in it at all. The peach flavor is super intense. It doesn't taste like real peaches at all. It tastes like those gummy peach rings in the bulk section. It's basically fake peach flavored sugar water. Since it doesn't contain actual tea, it's not surprising that it doesn't taste like green tea. I would actually say that their version of green tea is really just a lighter version of their normal tea, which kind of remotely tastes like tea. Lipton I know you have it in you to make some quality teas. I'm tasted them and they are great. I think it's time you put the Brisk line to rest. You're better than it. You know it. I know it. The whole world knows it.

Thanks to the grandmothers of the world, everyone knows that if you get a burn, sunburn or otherwise, you break off a piece of an aloe plant and rub it on that burn and feel the relief set in. Being the scientist I am, I wondered if I could take that a step further. On my recent trip to Philadelphia I got a delicious tofu hoagie from a little deli. It was slathered with hot sauce and covered with jalapenos. While it tasted great, the burning sensation it left behind was fairly intense. I needed relief and I needed it fast. Science kicked in and I decided an experiment was needed. I cracked open a bottle of Leaf Up aloe juice and took a big sip. I can't claim that the relief was instant, but the burning subsided a decent amount. A couple more sips and it was all but gone. Once more science prevails over evil in this world. I've only tried this with Leaf Up so far, so I don't know if it will work with all aloe drinks, but with this brand it worked like a charm. It was also tasty to boot. It was very light and more watery than any other aloe juice I've had. The mango flavoring is nice, but it's also a bit watered down. Now when I saw it's watered down I somehow mean that in a good way. It doesn't taste like they cheaped out and were trying to stretch their product out, but like they knew it would be more refreshing this way. There are some chunks in here, but they are pretty small, almost like an afterthought. Normal aloe drinks seem like they were tailor made for kids to drink. This is a grown up version of them, a sophisticated version if you will.

Nigel is a man with no free time. You see, everyone is always making plans for him. His parents, his boss, his kids, and his wife: all of them always predetermining everything that he does. Nigel wishes he could just sit back in the woods and relax with a nice cold birch beer and just enjoy the scenery. As it turns out he has no time for soda at all. You see his wife had already made plans for him to drink eight large glasses of water a day. Consuming that much water leaves little to no room for him to enjoy a nice frosty soda. It's sad times for Nigel. He remembers a simpler time before everyone told him what to do when he was a child in eastern Pennsylvania. He used to constantly drink Pennsylvania Dutch birch beer. Even now as he is sipping his fifth glass of water for the day he can remember how strong it smelled when he would twist off the top. His nostrils would be instantly greeted by the glorious smell of anise heavy birch beer. Oh man just thinking about that smell lets him pretend that the water he is drinking is actually that self same birch beer. Man, that smell is also apparent in the taste. It's so anise/licorice heavy. Also it had a reddish tint to it, which he always found strange and wondrous. Actually now that he thinks of it that birch beer tasted exactly how he would imagine root beer barrel candy would taste if it was birch been instead of root. Now that's a thought. He could have a batch of candy made to that specification. After all he was the heir to a candy fortune. What better way to spend his company's money and resources? It's not like he worked at British Steel. That would be a horrible life. Instead everyone makes plans for him and tells him what to do, but he will be fine with it, happy even, as soon as he can suck on some birch beer barrel candies while he works.