Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Since juniper trees fall in the same category as pines I was expecting this to taste like a very dry version of spruce beer. Luckily for me it did not taste that piney at all. In fact on first sip it tastes like very lightly sweetened seltzer water. For the record I despise seltzer water, but Dry always adds just enough cane sugar so that it just falls into the “this is interesting and I think I like it” category. After I took another sip I got the faintest mix of pine and berry, but it's a flavor that is very subtle and you have to look for it. The more I drank the stronger the flavors became, but they never got anywhere past the very mild marker. This is a very plain, and obviously very dry soda. It actually makes me think of a super extra dry flavored ginger ale. It's extremely refreshing in the way that cucumber sodas are. One would think that this would be a winter beverage due to the type of tree and the label, but I guarantee that drinking one of these on a blistering hot day would be a great way to beat the heat.

When an attractive woman came up to Steve at the bar he was shocked. He was completely in disbelief when she asked him if he wanted to do a body shot. Steve knew where he stood in life. He was pretty frumpy and he suffered from a terrible case of halitosis. On top of that he had the personality of a dead moth. To sum it up he was no prize catch. This woman was completely beautiful though and here she was standing in front of him asking if he wanted to drink alcohol off of her body. Something strange was going on in the world. Perhaps Zuul had come to reign over the humans. You know the whole “human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!” bit. Steve didn't care this was a big moment for him and he wasn't going to turn it down. Apparently all of these thoughts took awhile to process in his mind because the woman was just staring at him strangely and asked if he wanted one or not. Steve snapped out of it and moved in closer and said of course so. His halitosis almost made her throw up. She gagged, reached into her bag and threw a tiny bottle at Steve and walked away. Confused, he looked down at the item she had tossed his way. Oh of course, that makes perfect sense. The woman was a representative of the My Body Shots company and she was going around handing out free samples like the “Red Bull girls” do. Steve felt like an idiot, so he sat back down on his stool and downed the shot. It was all natural, so at least he didn't have to worry about getting cancer. That was the only way he could see his life getting any worse. Somehow the shot still tasted a bit chemically. Steve guessed that when you concentrate so many vitamins and minerals it's not going to have a pleasant taste, no matter what you do. It was supposed to be mango passionfruit flavored, but he couldn't spot those specific flavors in the mix. It just had a general tropical/vitamin flavor to it. Since you're supposed to down in all in one gulp, it wasn't too bad. The variety he got was a rehydration shot, so at least it would help him avoid getting a hangover in the morning. Now only if it could cure his terrible breath.

Put a fruit salad in front of a kid and it's a pretty safe bet that the honeydew will be the last thing left in the bowl. If you put yogurt in front of a child it is very likely that you will take that container away untouched. I don't know why kids don't like these two things. I certainly wasn't a fan when I was younger, but now that I'm a grown-ass man I love and consume more than my fair share of both. I don't know if a meeting was held by my taste buds and they decided that I was wrong for a few decades, but upon entering my thirties I had a newfound respect for the worlds of melon and yogurt. So much in fact that I let out a little yip when I saw this bottle in my friendly neighborhood Asian market. That's right, a 32-year-old man let out a squeal of joy whilst shopping alone. I don't think anyone heard me, but if they did I'd like to think that would give me an understanding nod. Did I mention this also has aloe chunks in it? This is a drink tailor made for the adult version of me.

What is held in this bottle is near gold to my mouth. It's a slightly thick liquid. It has more of the consistency of milk than yogurt, but it does have a slight yogurt aftertaste. The main flavor is wonderfully milky honeydew. Let's not forget the chunks. I think that if the aloe chunks would have been bigger this drink would be a slam-dunk, but they are fairly small, and seem more like pulp than hunks. I will tell you that it took some restraint not to drink this all in one sitting, but I'm glad I help strong, because I got to enjoy it again on another day. I wasn't lying when I said kids don't like honeydew or yogurt, but I bet if you put a bottle of this in front of a preteen it would be gone in a matter of minutes. Gold I tell ya.

Mark and Jimmy were in the convenient store last Friday and they saw a kid who is in the grade above them buy a couple cans of alcohol. They were completely ecstatic. Everyone else in their class was always going to parties and getting drunk, but their classmates thought they were nerds, so they were never invited. It seemed like everyone they knew (except the real nerds) was always out raging on the weekends. Seeing as neither of them had ever had even a drop of alcohol before they felt left out. This was going to be their ticket to being cool, especially if they could get it on the regular. When they saw the upperclassman make his purchase they quickly dropped their Nerd Rope and Snapple and ran outside to form a plan. They would keep the location of their purchases a secret, so that the other kids would need them to supply the booze, thus insuring their place amongst the most popular in their school. It would work perfectly. They pooled up their money and since Jimmy looked a bit older he took it and went in to make the deal. He walked three laps around the aisles before finally grabbing a six-pack and taking it to the counter. The cashier looked at him like he was crazy, and told Jimmy to get out of his store. Without skipping a beat he was out the door and around the corner with Mark. What had gone wrong? Had he not given the code word of the secret handshake? Mark suggested that maybe there was just a loophole with whatever their classmate had bought. He remembered it was in a yellow can, so he grabbed the money and gave it a chance himself. He went into the store, nodded to the cashier, you know to let him know that he was “cool” and down” and then made his way to the cooler. The only can that looked anything like what the other kid bought was Tall Boys Lemonade. He grabbed as many as he could carry in his arms and walked up to the counter. He was sweating and shaking like crazy. The cashier gave him an awkward smile and rang him out. Mark couldn't believe that it worked. They were going to be the hit of the party. Things were finally turning around. No more late night pizza roll filled D&D sessions in Jimmy's dank basement. He grabbed Jimmy and they ran all the way out to the fields where the party was taking place. Everyone at the party gave them dirty looks when they showed up, that is until they announced that they had alcohol. After that everyone was all smiles and pats on the back. Since it was Mark that got the drinks he started passing them out to everyone. It took about .3 seconds for everyone to look at them like they were idiots and the taunting to start. You see while many companies sell beer and malt liquor in tallboy cans, the company Tall Boys does not make alcoholic drinks. The cans that Mark and Jimmy brought to the party were simply carbonated lemonade. Mediocre carbonated lemonade at that. The embarrassment was too much to take. They ran until they could run no more and ended up in the cemetery. Who knows why they went there, but they sat on the headstones and discussed how hellish Monday morning was going to be at school. All the while they downed can after can of cheap lemonade. They decided they deserved to make them selves sick for being such idiots. When Jimmy finally gave the cans a good look, it became obvious to him that they weren't alcoholic. There wasn't even any real lemon juice in them, just citric acid. He was highly confused as to why it was carbonated though; since nowhere except in the ingredient list does it say anything about it being so. After their fifth can each they decided that it tasted like highly sweetened floor cleaner with bubbles. Their purchase had been a mistake on so many levels.

Franklin really should have been paying more attention to his travel agent when she explained the dangers of wandering outside of the tourist areas of Mexico. When she started going into her spiel of things to avoid his mind began to wander to all of the rad things he was going to do while down south of the border. He assumed she was just going to talk about not drinking the water, and he was no dummy, he knew all about that. Franklin had also watched enough television to know all about bribing the Tijuana. He was all set. Now the only thing left to do was envision trading small children sticks of gum for tours of secret wondrous locations. As I said Franklin had watched a lot of TV and he knew how things worked, or so he thought. It's now three months later and he has been tied up in some cellar beneath what he thought was a corner store. With the bag over his head he could no longer keep track of the days, but he's pretty sure he's been down there for at least a week.

Oh Franklin, where did you go wrong? Oh yeah it was that like always you didn't listen to those who knew more than you. You strayed away from the path set out for those who want to safely visit the country of Mexico, because of that insatiable thirst of yours. You saw an old faded sign on the side of a building for Barrilitos soda. You knew it was an authentic local pop, and you really wanted to try your hand at a bottle of the pineapple. You sauntered into what you thought was a store, but which turned out to be an outpost for a drug cartel and here you are in a dirty basement with no food or water, and a bag over your head. Sharon must be worried sick, but you do always find a way out of these situations. We have faith in you.

Oh yeah, I know you've been holding onto the idea that as soon as you get out you're going to celebrate with a bottle of pineapple Barrilitos. I hate to be the one to have to break this to you, but you are in for a disappointment. I know you've built up the flavor in your mind into something incredible, but it's really a sub par soda. It tastes remotely like pineapple candy on the first couple of sips, but the more you drink, the less it tastes anything like pineapple. The more you imbibe the more it just tastes like a nameless citrus soda that isn't very good. I suggest you get yourself a Jarritos instead. Please, please listen to your travel agent next time that is if there is a next time.

Months ago Marcus had become fed up with the prepackaged iced tea game. He realized that he was paying $4 daily for a liter of tea that he could easily make at home for less than fifty cents. He went out and bought a whole mess of tea bags and started brewing his own. He would boil water in a large pot and then drop in three tea bags. If he was feeling crazy he would add some sugar, but normally he kept it unsweetened. Life was good. He was able to control the strength of the tea, and he was saving butt-loads of money. After a month he realized he had saved over $100. He felt like someone who had quit smoking, and suddenly had an excess of cash and a healthier outlook on life. That's when an idea popped into Marcus' head. There were two things in life he was passionate about: tea and root beer. Why not combine the two? Marcus was no dummy, and he knew that his knowledge of carbonation methods was elementary at best, so he decided to make a tea with root beer flavoring. He went online and bought a whole mess of roots and barks to boil down into a base for his experiment. He bought a little of everything that one online store had to offer which included sarsaparilla root, maca root, brazil wood bark, chamomile flowers, chewstick bark, coconut root, guinea hen weed bark, marabelli bark, minniroot, princess vine bark, supple jack bark, west Indian mulberry bark, clove flower bud, bay rum tree leaf, cinnamon bark and rosewood leaf. He had no idea what most of those things were, but he figured the more the merrier and awaited his package's arrival.

Two weeks later Marcus arrived home from work to find his package jammed between his doors getting rained on. Oh shipping services, when will you learn how to properly treat people's parcels? He quickly unlocked his door, stripped off his lab coat and filled his trusty pot with water. He brought the water to a roiling boil and dumped in all of the contents of his package into the water with some agave syrup and let it boil down for an hour or so. It wasn't until he was straining out all of the roots and bark bits that he realized that he had forgotten to actually add a few tea bags to the mix. Oh well, this was going to be great anyways. It smelled great. It smelled like chai for some reason. It wasn't what Marcus had expected, but it was a nice surprise. He didn't have the patience to let it cool down in the fridge so he dumped some ice in a glass and filled the remaining space with his concoction. He was so excited and he took a big gulp and paused. “This…€¦is…€¦.weird…€¦” thought Marcus. It doesn't taste like chai, root beer, or any tea at all for that matter. It actually tasted like he was chewing on some sticks. To be more specific is tasted like chewing on sticks that had been dusted with cinnamon sugar. It was hard to get down. He finished off his glass and then called over some friends to see what they would think. His buddy Charles always was chewing on sticks from the licorice plant, maybe he would like it more. Turns out that Marcus was right, Charles really liked it. As a result he was able to take the remainder of the experiment home with him to enjoy at his leisure. With everything that was in it, the health benefits of it were huge. It provided natural energy and endurance while boosting the immune system, metabolism, circulation and liver function. It was a health nuts dream come true. It's just too bad that the taste would be more suited for a beaver.

14-year olds of both sexes are piling into the store to behold the Sex Soda. The boys stereotypically make rude comments that only their testosterone filled friends can hear, while the girls just giggle uncontrollably. Children can be so immature. Oh wait, when Neuland and I came across this in the store we laughed hysterically. Our reaction was actually closer to that of the female youngsters, but come on this is hysterical. Sex Soda? Seriously? I think the funniest part about it is that we didn't come across it in Spenser Gifts, but rather we found it at a reputable candy/soda store. Sure it was up high on a shelf off to the side, but there it was and there we laughed. I'm halfway through this bottle and I'm still chuckling. The label has silhouettes of a couple in various “erotic” positions. The whole thing just looks like it should be some sort of joke, but I'm pretty sure this company is completely serious, which only makes it even funnier. I believe the company is serious because it actually tastes good. It has that herbal soda taste blended perfectly with a decent natural cola flavor. It's that cola flavor that's not quite something crazily micro brewed, but also a far distance from your everyday Coke or Pepsi. I really think the herbal flavor mixes in perfectly with the cola. Like many times in the past I find myself wishing that this were just a normal soda and not one with specialized effects. I just want to drink something for its taste and not for it being “boner juice,” which it's not for the record. It's my opinion that they are claiming that it's an aphrodisiac is because ginseng and ginkgo biloba so that it just keeps you awake so you can “put in the real work.” I'm also 99.9% sure that horny goat weed is in this solely due to it's name. Oh well, I'll probably be awake until 5am again tonight, due to this. It's always great to notice things like “contains two servings” after you've polished off the bottle. Now I shall continue with my giggling for a few more minutes and watch some dumb movie on Netflix streaming. The quality of movies that I watch has gone completely downhill since it's become a part of my life.

Do you think the CEO of Capri Sun contacts his lawyer whenever another drink comes out in a metallic pouch such as this one? Do they have a patent on this sort of packaging? They should. When I was a kid I thought Capri Sun was the coolest, solely based on the packaging. Well that and because when you were done you could blow them back up and stomp on them to make them explode. That is the sort of thing that companies should keep in mind when packaging drinks for kids; will they be able to have annoying fun with the packaging when the juice is gone?

The juice that Honest uses here is very light. I believe the watermelon is to blame for that. Is there any fruit that is more watered down in it's natural form than watermelon? The flavor in this pouch is well rounded. If you concentrate enough you can taste each specific fruit that is shows on the label. The lightness of it may be a problem for kids in today's society who are used to over-sweetened, over the top extreme juices. This is what they should be drinking. MY only real complaint is why did they add sugar to this? Sure it's cane sugar, but it's juice, which is naturally sweetened, and I always thought that Honest was a healthier beverage. Oh well, it's still tasty, and if I had kids I would feed them these over normal juice boxes any day. Now it's time to go outside and blow up this package.

I wish there were a secret meeting in a shady part of town where all of the tea magistrates met up to vote on what is and is not acceptable in the bottled tea world. Everything from the grade of the tea to the quirky names companies would want to use would be set before a committee and a vote would be held with majority rule (well either that or I wish the band Majority Rule would play a show). On top of wishing for this committee I would also expect we three Thirsty Dudes to be on the committee. I want to be a magistrate dammit! If I were the first motion I would pass would be for more companies to use yerba mate as the base of their drinks. You really don't see enough companies using it, and I feel like it is virtually unknown amongst the masses. Actually I think it's only been in the past 6-7 years that green tea made its way into mainstream bottled beverages. Let's face it the world is overflowing with black tea based drinks and it's up to us as members of this completely fabricated committee to spice things up. Mate tastes like an earthier version of green tea with a slight eucalyptus flavor to it. It's unique and amazing.

Also, if I were on said committee I would also propose that the Mate Fusion companies teas be more widely available and have a strong hold in the market. This is not a company that I should find at a discount store (like I recently did). Their drinks are organic and all natural, the way certain tea's should be. They do an excellent job of showing off the greatness of mate. With this flavor the distinct mate flavor is very strong. It's rounded out with black currants, which taste like tart grapes. I would saw it falls somewhere between a grape and a cranberry. The flavor of both the fruit and the tea is strong, but neither takes away from the other. This is a wonderful tea that the world should know about. So tea makers of the world, let's get this committee started. If you already have one, disband it and start a new one, because you're doing a terrible job.

On the molten surface of the sun there lives two lizards. They go by the names Mac and Gertrude, but names are meaningless in a story such as this. You see it is the strife between these two lizards that causes all of the planets in the solar system to revolve around the sun. There is a weird polar magnetism at work. For some unknown reason one of the lizards sweats mango, and the other melon. Gertrude (okay the names do make it easier) excretes the essence of melon and Mac wants so very badly to mix his mango with her. He's been chasing her around the surface of the sun for millennia, but he never seems to catch her. It's the chase that causes the magnetism. Scientists and astrologers have known it for centuries, but they thought it was just too weird for the general public to accept. A philosopher who is also a higher up at the Sobe corporation found out about the lizards and pondered it for some time. He then invented a drink to represent the struggle of the sun lizard. He made a melon heavy drink that had traces of mango in it's after taste. It was bold and sweet and everything wonderful. He used a mixture of cantaloupe and honeydew for his melon base and it turned out absolutely perfect. It actually tasted like a fruit punch that was very heavy on the melon. That mango just slipped in there at the end. Like Mac it is always chasing the melonous wonder of Gertrude, but it never quite catches up to over take the flavor. To represent their environment he made the drink bright orange like the fires of the sun. That philosopher should be made president of the company because he invented the finest flavor Sobe has ever produced and it was all due to a pair of lizards millions of miles away.

By the quality of this juice this company's idea of a tropical location is a third world country. A country that certainly does not have the funds available to properly grow and harvest guavas. Instead they go the inexpensive route and make a fake guava juice. There is pear and apple juice in this, but not a drop of the nectar of the guava. It still remotely tastes like the fruit, but a kid version of it. This is the kind of juice that would be in the lowest common denominator juice box. You can certainly tell that it is sweetened with HFCS, but for some reason there is sucralose in it as well. It's not bad for the price, but it's not what I would want when I have the craving for juice from one of the best fruits in the world.

After my disappointment with yesterday's birch beer I needed a soda that would be redeeming. While I have issues with Johnnie Ryan because I have emailed them several times about their products and I have never heard back from them, I also know that they know what they are doing when it comes to making soda. Also, they are local to us so that makes it hard to stay mad. One of the emails I actually sent to the company a couple of years ago was regarding whether or not their birch beer would be made available in bottles. I had a glass of it in a “fair/carnival” themed restaurant in the mall once and it was pretty great. As I said I never got a response, but here I am with a bottle in front of me, so I guess the answer to my question was “Yes.”

The Mercury Brewing Company messed up their birch beer pretty bad, but Johnnie Ryan got everything right. The bottle doesn't mention it, but the cardboard the four packs come in say that it is “black birch beer.” I was intrigued by this, but assumed it was just a quirky name. Wrong. This is the darkest birch beer I have ever tasted. The store in the mall was correct to carry this as their main beverage because it definitely falls under the category of “fair birch beer,” but they took it further and made it very dark, full bodied and flavorful. This is a new product in bottle form and I really hope it sticks around. I always have a hankering for some birch beer, and it can be a pain to find a decent one around these parts.

To sum things up, this may be the best birch beer I have ever tasted. You should definitely pick some up if you see it. Also, Johnnie Ryan you make great sodas, just try to get better at responding to emails. Your mother wants to make sure you're doing okay out there by the falls.

When you hear the words “birch beer” you get certain expectations in your head. Images of a root beer that has evolved dance across your mind. It's crisp. It's clean. It's woodsy. One thing that does not enter your thoughts is vanilla. Definitely not crappy vanilla, that is for sure. Yet, that is what is in this bottle. It taste like the company had a vat that was 1/3 filled with birch beer, and when they went to make more they accidentally put in the ingredients for cream soda. In a blind taste test I would guess that this was a store brand cream soda that someone put a little extra baking vanilla into. Would I be wrong, or would Mercury Brewing Company be wrong for claiming this was a birch beer? You be the judge. Actually don't waste your time and money on it.

I submit this to the neurons in your brain that receive the messages from your taste buds in order to distinguish flavor. In front of you sits an enormous apple. It's the biggest apple you have ever beheld with your eyes. You need both hands in order to list it. You toss it in the air a little to feel the heft of it, and what a heft it has. You look it over for a bit and then somehow your jaw unhinges in order for you to take a proper bite. It is the juiciest apple you have ever eaten. The juice is just pouring down your chin. It's an apple's equivalent to a tidal wave of juice. You have never tasted a fresher or more well rounded apple.

Some how Snapple has somehow captured this experience in a bottle. They have created a beverage that tastes more like eating the best apple ever than any other apple juice ever has in the past. It even has the taste of the apple skin in it somehow. I think somewhere someone rolled a 20-sided die and this is what they created in their fantasy world. Somehow it was brought into real life, and the world thanks the dungeon master in charge.

I do not want this. No, really I do not want to drink this. I've somehow gained a crazy sensitivity to caffeine and the like. It's gotten so bad that if I drink an energy drink after 3PM I won't fall asleep until at least 4am. The other day I drank a regular old Coke at midnight and was up until 5am. I don't know what has happened, but I hate every second of it. I like sleep. It's where I'm a Viking. I don't want to limit my Viking time. It's now 10:30am and I'm about to go out for a day of hiking. Here I sit waiting to get picked up, and I decided I should drink an energy drink to help push me through the hike. Ugh all I have left is the dreaded Redline. It's dreaded because Neuland, who drinks energy drinks by the gallon, said it was the most intense energy drink he's ever had. Ugh. I bet If I drink this now I won't sleep until 48 hours from now.

Weird, this doesn't taste like an energy drink. It tastes like some low-grade juice you would get out of a crappy roadside vending machine, but not as thick. It's supposed to be peach mango, and I get that in the aftertaste, but while it's in your mouth it's just nondescript juice. I guess that's better than energy drink garbage. It's also clear and non-carbonated.

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It's now 9:15PM and I just got home. I'm still very hyper from this drink. Not crazy hyper, but I definitely notice it. It was probably a terrible idea for me to drink this and then drive a lengthy distance, because I am a terrible driver to begin with, and this just made me crazier. To sum this up, it tasted better than most energy shots, and it certainly works on the energy front.

I lasted through almost the entire winter without succumbing to sickness, and then this week it finally hit me. I felt like “cold diarrhea on a paper plate.” I drank obscene amounts of juice to an extent that my stomach was in pain. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I'm on the mend now, but still feeling a little bit on the terrible side. Lucky for me MBS sent us a nice package of their vitamin shots. I wish I would have had these when I first started feeling like doo-doo, but oh well any help is accepted by me.

I expected this to taste completely horrible as most things in shot form do, but the folks at My Body Shots supplied me with a pleasant surprise. It tastes like someone took a citrus-based fruit punch concentrate and only used 1/3 of the recommended water to dilute it. It also has a slight herbal flavor to it, but it's mostly juice coming through. Those iPod doctors on the label sure know how to make a vitamin concentrate taste decently. This is in fact chock full of ridiculous amounts of vitamins with some astragalus, eleutherococcus and panax ginseng extract mixed in to help boost immunity. From the amount of stuff in here one would stupidly believe that one of these shots would knock whatever sickness you have into your body into next winter, but the recommended use for when you start to feel sick is three bottles the first day, two the second and one the third. So apparently six shots is what is necessary to banish virus' from your system. At least the six shots will taste decent.

Welcome back to the country club Mr. Underhill. You've been away for awhile, and I haven't been able to apologize for the whole “John Cocktosen” incident. The waiter that served him was new and had o idea he was not you. Of course he was immediately terminated from his position when we discovered what had happened. Unfortunately Mr. Cocktosen could not be located. What can I get you sir? May I recommend the water buffalo? Oh you're just here for a quick drink before you jump in the pool. That's very understandable sir. Oh I'm sorry Mr. Underhill, we no longer carry sweet tea. Some of the elder patrons were complaining that the sugar in it was deteriorating their dentures. It became quite unseemly. We also decided that sweet tea was a drink for country bumpkins, so we brewed up the rich person's version which we call agave mate. To be honest sir, I personally love sweet tea, but the owners of the club, wanted to give the patrons the illusion that this was a truly fancy drink. To break it down in a nutshell for you we take some premium organic yerba mate, which is naturally rich in caffeine and sweeten the hell out of it with organic agave nectar. Everything about the drink it natural and organic, just the way things should be in paradise. The taste is very similar to that of sweet tea, but it's a bit more refined and adult. I'm sure you will love it Mr. Underhill. Shall I charge it to your account then?

Ma'am, what do you think you're doing? Yes you ma'am. What are you trying to hide ma'am? I know for a fact that you are not really a hula dancer. You see, I went to Hawaii on vacation once, and I saw a whole slew of hula dancers and not to be rude, but they were a thick lot. It was a great show, and I had no complaints, but I did learn a thing or two about the art of hula. I'd even go as far as to say that show made me an expert. You ma'am look like a starving child, you are certainly no hula dancer. So what's the deal? Are you a spy? Don't make me call the police on you. I learned form billboards that if I see something I should say something, and I'm pretty sure this constitutes something. Oh you're doing promotion for a line of all natural energy sodas? Well if they really were all natural I think they really should have gotten an actual hula dancer, and not some random in a skirt and a lei. If you are who you say you are you better give me one of them there sodas, so I know they aren't a bomb or poison.

This smells decent. Nothing like any other energy drinks that I've had before. Oh wow it doesn't taste like an energy drink at all either. It has an almost herbal flavor to it, with a bit of light fruit flavoring as well. If the label in any indicator it's a mixture of pineapple and lime. It's pleasant. It also has a very clean taste to it, which I feel is a strange thing to say about a drink, but that's the way I feel, so I'm going to say it. Who are you to judge, you're posing as a hula girl for minimum wage. I actually like this a lot. I would definitely buy this over that artificial garbage I see in all the gas stations. Where can I buy this around Denali, Alaska? Nowhere? Well you're certainly of no help to me. Why don't you go off and finish your life as a faker!

Some nights you just sit to kick back and relax with a bottle of soda and a good movie. What good movie should you watch? Well obviously the answer to that is Elvira's Haunted Hills. Wait, you mean you've never heard of the sequel (prequel?) to Mistress of the Dark that came out 13 years later? You my friend are in for a treat. Imagine if you will if you took a common household blender and threw in Elvira and the Mel Brook's classic Young Frankenstein. Puree that up a bit and the result is Haunted Hills. It's fun and hysterical in the dumbest way possible; exactly the way I like it.

What else could accompany this movie than a drink endorsed by the Mistress herself? The picture on the label even looks like one of the half dozen times she screams as some one (namely Lady Hellsubus) opens a door at the same time as her. This is a (s)cream soda of the red variety, much like the infamous Crush “soda mousse.” The vanilla isn't incredibly strong, but it does have a faint sweet kind of berry taste to it. It's not a standout cream soda, but it's slightly better than most other cane sugar sodas of the flavor. Now if you are a fan of fun like I know you are go out and get some soda and get your hands on Haunted Hills and enjoy your night. You've earned it.

Or you could just take a day trip to the beach, but don't forget your SPF 1000 sunblock.

Thousands of years ago Central America was the home to many a dragon. That's right, dragons lived in Central America and not in Europe or England like the stories would have you believe. Dragons like heat, so why would they hang out in cold Euroland? In fact they like heat so much that they made their nests inside of volcanoes in an already tropical climate. Their eggs had to actually be at 800 degrees in order to come to gestation and hatch. That is the source of the downfall of the dragon. You see dragons may have been tough with basically impenetrable scales that allowed them to torment the close villages, but they had a screwy internal clock that caused them only to live for four years. They could get a bachelors degree and then they bit the dust. Luckily newborn dragons matured in only a couple of weeks. One day all of the volcanoes dried up and became inactive. The heat level dropped, the eggs went unhatched and the legendary beasts became extinct.

Here we are in 2012 and the volcanoes are still inactive, and dragons are nowhere to be seen. Their legacy lives on though through the magical fruit Pitaya, or dragonfruit as it is commonly known. Something happened with the unhatched dragon eggs that caused this fruit to see the light of day. It grows on the mountainsides of the still dormant volcanoes and is full of antioxidants and fiber. Seriously this fruit is beyond healthy. The antioxidants in one bottle of this are equal to that of 100 blueberries. It's not messing around.

It has a slightly chalky texture to it that I would assume is due to the high fiber content. The flavor is great though. The dragonfruit tastes kind of like a mix between an apple and a kiwi, but very mild, just sweet and inoffensive. There is mango puree and pineapple juice in this as well, but neither overpowers the taste. I would have never guessed there was pineapple in it, until I read it, and then I could detect it slightly. The mango flavor is more present, but it blends in well with the dragonfruit to create a nice smooth tropical flavor. I think this could also work well as a palate cleanser. I say thank you dragons for creating this fruit for us. I just hope those volcanoes don't ever erupt again causing the eggs to finally hatch. That would be a good time for no one down in Central America.