Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Last night I kept having a dream where I was with John Lithgow and I had to stop him from dying. Sometimes it was accidental and sometimes he was trying to kill himself, but over and over I had to intervene. Then I looked down and noticed a 3" in diameter hole in the ditch of my arm. My arm was hollow and all dried out on the inside. Thinking about it now makes me want to vomit all over the place. Needless to say I slept like garbage.

Now it's later in the day and I'm going to be up late watching some bands play, so I needed a little boost to help me through the night. I didn't want anything too intense so I grabbed this Rumba. I mean it says 100% juice, so it can't be full of too much garbage. In reality taurine, caffeine, ginseng and a whole mess of other stuff in it, but I can pretend it's all-natural.

First off it's weird because it's not carbonated and it's always weird when energy drinks aren't. It tastes like a highly acid orange juice with a little tangerine and pineapple thrown into the mix. There's a slight energy drink taste, but it's mostly just fruit juice. I like it way more than I like highly disturbing dreams. Oh yeah, while I was distracted Mr. Lithgow ended up offing himself. Services will be announced later in the week.

Recently I've been on a winning streak with blueberry drinks. If I were Clark W Griswold I would grab the $27 that I had in my wallet, go to the nearest casino and place a $26 bet on the "Pick a Fruit" game that they will undeniably have (I'd need to save the extra dollar for bus fare home). Everything would come up Griswold. Rusty would finally look up to me. I would be the man I always wanted to be. Then for some inexplicable reason I would change my bet and put it all on crappy durian. Who would ever pick durian? It smells like vomit! The wheel would spin, slow down, land on durian and then at the last second flip one more space and land on blueberry again. I would be broke with only my bus fare home. Oh wait I used that to tip that pretty waitress that looked like a model from the 80's. It's a sad time in the life of a man who just loves to vacation.

I (Clark) would be crushed, but blueberry would reign supreme, just like it does in this drink. When you open the bottle it's like shoving your nose in a bushel of fresh picked berries. The tea and lemonade are at perfect levels, with the blueberry just a touch higher in the mix. It's tart, sweet and fruity all in one. I don't know if the world of "Arnold Palmers" gets better than this.

Some drinks have a special purpose and when reviewing those drinks it's hard to decide what is more important flavor or functionality. The Celsius drinks score great in the realm of functionality. I can't say whether or not it burns the calories on it's own, but it definitely gives you more energy to exercise. When I drink one of these before jumping on my bike I end up riding way longer than I normally would.

On the side of flavor they sometimes leave something to be desired. That is because of their good friend sucralose. The sweetener that tastes sweet in all the wrong ways. I wish they would just switch over to stevia. If you're not going with real sugar stevia is the way to go in my book.

This is the best tasting Celsius I've had thus far. I think that's because it's a tea and not a "soda." It still has the sucralose taste, but it's masked a bit by the tea. It basically tastes like a diet raspberry tea. I don't taste the acai at all, but really who needs it when you have raspberry in the mix?

I've been inside for far to long today. This can is now empty so I'm going to go jump on my bike and ride around the city for a while. Try not to hit me.

Why oh why did I read the ingredients on this before I took a sip? I was so excited about it. Lemon ginger is a great flavor, and I've been a fan of the other probiotic drinks I've had. There is something that I am absolutely not a fan of and that is vinegar. Yes I eat salsa by the jarful. Yes I know that vinegar is one of the main ingredients in it, but salsa doesn't taste like vinegar....at all. It tastes like magic.

As you may have guessed apple cider vinegar is the third ingredient listed on the label. Ugh. I ruined it. Everyone else that tried this said they didn't taste vinegar at all, but I had it on the mind so there it was front and center for me. Okay not front and center, but there was a hint of it. It also smelled like the dye you use to color Easter eggs to a lesser extent. Apparently I am insane because as I said no one else thought that at all.

Other than the "hint of vin" this is pretty good. Even though it's not carbonated, it tastes like it is. Yes to me carbonation has a flavor. This has it. Let's move on. It tastes like a lemon soda mixed with ginger ale (minus the bubbles). That is nothing like I expected it to taste. I was expecting a decently strong ginger with a very tart lemon. Nope. Wrong again. If I could just get passed my hatred of vinegar and the ghost of it that lives in this bottle, only haunting me, I would be able to enjoy this as a healthy organic beverage that tastes like it was neither healthy nor organic. That is a good place to be.

All of us here at Thirsty Dudes are huge fans of The Best Show on WFMU. It is a radio show based out of NJ, but available world wide, so don't call it local! The host of the show is the wonderful Tom Scharpling. He entertains the world via radio for three hours every Tuesday night. It is one of the funniest things I've ever listened to. Guests like Paul F Tompkins, Ted Leo, Patton Oswalt, Todd Barry and many others a frequent. If you are a fan of hilarity I suggest you check it out.

Okay now that the plug is over, on with the story. Last week I finally worked up the courage to call into the show to talk to Tom about Thirsty Dudes. The mush state of my mouth was discussed and then when asked for suggestions on things to review Tom told me orange juice. Who am I to argue? So here's your orange juice review.

Simply puts out nothing but high quality beverages as far as I've tasted. It so happens that all three of us purchased and reviewed a Simply drink in the past two days. All of them got high marks. They don't mess around with adding extra ingredients to their juices. They know with something like this it's best to keep things.....simple. I have to say this is the best orange juice (minus some the was fresh squeezed) that I have ever had. It doesn't taste old or weird like a lot of carton orange juices do. There is a decent amount of pulp in it, which is a bonus in my world. I don't care what my friend Kevyn says. Pulp does not make a drink seem like you're imbibing dirty dishwater. It makes it seem like your eating the actual fruit, minus the annoying peeling session. How does everyone else start to peel and orange? I always bite the skin a little, but then I get a spray of the gross bitter peel in my mouth. It almost makes it not worth it. Give me advice people!

Guys I just brewed the best tea ever. What's great about it is that's it's all-natural! What's in it? I'll tell you what's in it! It's just three simple things; tea, water and heroin. Why are you looking at me like that? The tea is certified organic and free trade friendly and the water is from the purest springs. Obviously you must not be taking offense to the heroin. It's made from locally grown poppies. What do you mean it's not "natural"? I just told you it's made from poppies. If JB's can say that HFCS is natural than I can say my heroin is as well!

Seriously, don't say all natural and then use HFCS. Own up to it! The tea isn't all that bad. Sure it's syrupy, but it tastes good. Just accept yourself for who you are. Like Angus, "you're still here."

We had people over for an impromptu grilling session at our house yesterday. I consumed way more beverages than any one person should in that short of a time, so now I have to play catch up.

We cracked open a couple of bottles of College club for everyone to share. I had yet to try their Golden Ginger Ale, and I really don't know why I waited so long. Their Pale Dry Ginger Ale has a very strong ginger flavor, which is not as sweet than most sodas. With this variety they flip-flopped it. It's way sweeter and the ginger is lower in the mix. So now you can fine-tune your soda choice to your tastes.

College Club, based out of Rochester, NY, puts out a decent size line of quality sodas. It's a small family business that has been passed on for several generations. We were lucky enough to go to their factory and assist them in bottling some of their soda. It was great to say the least.

We've been enjoying their pops for quite some time now, but somehow we have failed to write a review for their root beer. The first thing I'd like to say is man is it good. It's not a fancy brewed root beer, but it is in the upper echelon of "normal" root beers. It's dark and flavorful. It doesn't taste like spices and herbs, but it also doesn't taste like candy. It tastes like the purest essence of the root beer you would drink as a kid. It's similar to a Mug or a Dad's but it's of a higher quality. We're proud to have them as a fairly local company.

At least one person on this planet is going to be real bummed when they buy this soda. I feel like most people think of ginger ale as something completely different than those of us who scratch the surface of the soda world a little more. Companies like Vernors and Schweppes, while making decent products, have led the world to believe that all ginger ale is sweet and smooth. Here is a news flash folks; "real" ginger ale has a kick to it. If you've ever tasted actual ginger you know that it has some spice to it. When made into a soda properly it can have quite a burn. That burn is not for everyone, but those of us who like it really, really love it. Usually ginger sodas that have this kick are known as ginger beers nowadays. Sometimes companies still call them ginger ale, and I'm fine with that. Red Rock is one such company.

It doesn't have the strongest burn I've ever experienced in a ginger soda, but it's stronger than I had expected. This is a slow sipper with a lot of flavor. So when aunt Milda ventures to the store to buy some ginger ale to sooth her upset stomach, she is going to be in for a shock when she takes a swig of this. Her stomach will probably be all the better for it though.

"The thing about huckleberries is, once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned..." Well Nelson, I can't say if that's true or not, as this marks my first experience with huckleberries at all. That is a lie I suppose. I do have some history with Huckleberry Hound and Huckleberry Finn, but I've never tasted either of them and I will make a pledge this self same day to never do so. There, are you happy now?

As far as I knew, until today, huckleberries were some archaic fruit that had long since gone extinct. The olde-timey picture on the label does nothing but support that idea. As it turns out the fruit still flourishes, but has gone out of vogue. The fine folks at Jackson Hole understand that this is nothing more than a hate crime against the fruit world. As a result they are taking it back.

Every Jackson Hole soda we've had so far has been spectacular and they just stepped up their game with this one. This and the Thomas Kemper Bumble Berry sodas stand as the two best fruit sodas that have ever graced my taste buds. High Mountain Huckleberry is reminiscent of a Shirley Temple made with high quality berries instead of grenadine. It's sweet and fruity in all of the right ways. I had assumed that huckleberries were a specific subset of raspberries, but a quick internet search informed me that they were closer to the blueberry. Whatever they are they are completely incredible and I now must search out the actual fruit. Even if it requires I complete the time machine I've been building in my attic.

Did you read in the paper today about how science has created a human/fruit hybrid? They are adorable and completely creepy at the same time. The article said that they have begun making demands and it looks like they are organizing for a revolt. The "fruitmans" are going to over take the world! It is up to us to put a stop to their movement. We shall call our counter movement Picabi and to raise funds for our struggle we will can the blood of our enemies (which just happens to be delicious juice) and sell it to the populace. As a warning to the fruitmans we will put pictures of their deceased on the cans.

I for one can vouch that the grape fruitman, or fruitlady, has a very sweet taste. It's almost candy like, but it still tastes natural. It's way sweeter than I expected even though there is no sugar added. If you like grape juice and want to help exterminate the fruitmans buy a can today!

This is the diet version of the Ex energy drink I reviewed a few weeks ago. In that I detailed my feelings on kombucha. Basically it's foul sludge. In the ordinary version the taste wasn't that bad. I actually kind of enjoyed it. Unfortunately in this diet version the grossness prevails. It's not as strong as other kombucha drinks, but it still tastes a little bit like rot to me. I think the sweetener in the other one covered it up. The stevia in this lets it shine. Boo on you stevia. You have been so kind to me in the past why did you have to do this to me now? This doesn't taste chemical like most energy drinks, but I think I might prefer that to the kombucha taste. If you're into that kind of thing, you will probably love this.

There is a paragraph on this bottle talking about how the company searches the globe for the rarest, and most exotic teas. I can just imagine tea-pickers scaling treacherous cliffs on mountains just to clip a few leaves from a tea plant growing near the top. These fine folks risk life and limb everyday so that the populace may enjoy the highest of quality tea. As a fan of tea I applaud them for that. Think of how pissed off those tea-pickers have to be when they see what is to become of their sacred harvest. They probably think that their tea is going to be sold in high-end markets or in expensive restaurants, not sold in 64oz plastic bottles. Worst of all to them has to be that they have gone to the far corners of the globe to get this tea and then their employers have mixed in peaches from the southern United States. I can just see them sitting around base camp grumbling about how their work is going to waste.

What I have to say to them is get over yourselves. Sure your tea isn't being served to kings, but it is being made into one hell of a product. Also, peaches are delicious and are way better than most exotic fruits. They are exceptionally great in teas. Old Orchard has taken the work of these self-righteous tea-pickers and turned it into a wonderfully light tea, with just a hint of peach. If I were them this tea would make me proud of my life's work.

For all my talk about cowboys; how I think they are awesome and how it's a possibly calling in my life, I am not a fan of western movies. Sometimes they are okay, but in general I find them boring and hokey. A lot of adults in my life growing up were into them, so I've seen a decent amount and they just don't do anything for me. The same thing goes for kung-fu movies. I'd rather watch Fletch for the 900th time than watch John Wayne or Clint Eastwood.

There are cowboys on this bottle and I have to say I don't think they would drink this. It's really good, but I would never in a million years pick it out as sarsaparilla in a blind taste test. I would bet all the tea in China that it was a fancy cola. Even with my eyes open and knowing what it is supposed to be, I'd still say it was a cola. It has a hint of root beer/sarsaparilla to it, but it's mostly a brewed cola taste. I really enjoyed it, but it doesn't taste like what it's supposed to, so I feel like I should deduct a bottle. Maybe that is John Wayne on the bottle and he thinks he's too good for "cowboy swill" and he just wanted a nice cola. The directors told him that it wouldn't work right in the film so they put it in a sarsaparilla bottle so it would look authentic. Damn fake cowboys ruining everything for everyone.

In recent times I was strolling down the beach and I saw a coconut fall from a tree. I ran over and snatched that little guys up. I am not a fan of coconut by any means, but when you see something like that fall from a tree how can you pass it up. So there I am carrying this coconut around and a new problem arose. How the hell do you open a coconut to get the juice/water out? I could have tried to smash it on the road, but then all the precious juice would be lost. I didn't have any tools on me to aid in my venture. The solution I came up with was to repeatedly bash it on the corner of a picnic table until it cracked a little and I could pry it apart with my fingers. After about 20 minutes of hitting it against the table I was finally able to get it open. I sent all that time and effort and not counting what spilled I got two small mouthfuls of coconut water. I actually enjoyed it a little. It didn't taste anything like dried coconut, which I believe to be a devil fruit. So there I am with a smashed coconut, juice all over my hands and face with a still mostly empty stomach. I was satisfied. I didn't need a lot. I just wanted a taste and I had a fun time doing it.

This tastes pretty much exactly like the water that I got out of that coconut. The only ingredients in it are coconut water and ascorbic acid. I'm still not a huge fan of coconut, but since I have experience with getting the water right from the source and this tasted exactly the same I felt the need to get it a four. I may not have enjoyed it as much as other beverages, but it is exactly what it claims to be and if someone likes coconut, they are going to love this.

This drink is just plain fun. It's clear and then when you twist the cap vitamins and flavors are dropped into the drink. You shake it all up and you have yourself a fresh tasty drink. It's ingenious really. It keeps the vitamins fresh and it's more entertainment for the drinker.

Both of these that I have tried taste like children's vitamins. That is a compliment in my world. Unfortunately this one tastes a bit more diet than the other ones we're reviewed. It's sweetened with stevia, so it's not too bad, but it still has a definite diet taste. That being said I would definitely drink this again.

When I'm at work I am at the height of being a "thirsty dude." The amount of beverages that I drink borders the insane. I don't know if I'm really as thirsty as I think I am, or if it's just a way to pass the time. I used to just drink whatever was on hand, but I got to a point where all the sugar was too much for me. After that I turned to mostly water. Even when I'm not working I drink nearly a gallon of water a day. Water is delicious, refreshing and cleansing. Now that I've discovered these huge bottles of Teas' Tea, everything else is out the window. They are water, tea and ascorbic acid. 0 calories and 0 sugar means that I don't have to feel guilty about drinking a two liter of it a day. On top of that it tastes great. It tastes like perfectly brewed tea that has been cooled down. If you have any interest whatsoever in unsweetened teas this line is something you need to check out.

Organic pomegranate juice is the only thing contained in this bottle. It's the way god, or whoever, planned for juice to be served. I love pure juice. No sweeteners or preservative added. Nothing is reconstituted. It is just mashed fruit with all of the solids strained out. It's insanely strong and tart, but why mess with a pomegranate unless that's your desired effect. For those of you who have lived under a rock for the past ten years awaiting the upcoming rapture (that didn't happen), I will now describe what pomegranate juice tastes like. It is darker than the darkest purple grape. It is actually similar to a purple grape juice, but 100% more concentrated. It also has a certain dryness on your tongue. Overall it's very enjoyable, but it's not something that you can drink a lot of in one sitting. The Folks at Smart Juice are not dummies. If they were their company would be named Dumb Juice. As a result they have these nice little 8.4oz bottles of juice. It's just enough for a little treat.

Being sick is horrible. You're all stuffed up and you have that annoying itching in your throat. You make yourself cough to try and scratch it, which leads to you coughing uncontrollably for real. Ugh. You go for some cough drops that don't really do much, but you convince yourself they do. Hey anything to keep your mind off that annoying self inflicted cough.

This bottle makes me think of those previously mentioned cough drops. Everything about the label screams cheap cough drops to me. It turns out that it kind of does taste like the cough drops, minus the medicinal taste. That sounds completely horrible in theory, but in practice it's not bad. It's comforting without grossness. It's all natural/organic so you can really taste the lemon and honey. Thank goodness I'm not actually sick, but I can still enjoy this tea.

Hey Jak! It's you and me buddy. Let's go for a ride, and by ride I mean via horseback, because due to your name, Red Jak, you are obviously a cowboy. So let's see what these dusty trails have to offer us.

Well it seems that you ride a donkey Jak. I say that because you taste like a drink for children, and that is what children ride on the prairie. Energy drinks for children. That is probably one of the worst ideas ever. I feel like their little hearts wouldn't be able to handle it. Perhaps their tiny veins are too delicate and they would just burst. I don't want to think about these things. Kids stay away from energy drinks. You're young. You naturally have all the energy you need.

To clarify I'm not saying Big Red targets this product towards children, but it tastes like they would love it. It doesn't taste like ten thousand chemical Smarties. It tastes like a berry-flavored soda that is heavy on the strawberry. It reminds me of those Asian gums that come in little boxes with four gumballs. They are really fluffy. I love that gum.

There you have it. Jak's donkey is all tuckered out and won't leave the troth. I on the other hand am carrying my horse around because I'm all amped up from the drink.