Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Sheriff: Son, I'm going to have to ask you to not dump all of that chemical waste into our fair Snake River.

Jimmy the Dumper: Screw you cop! My daddy is paying me five American dollars to do this for him.

Sheriff: Son, if you keep talking that way I'm going to have to place you under arrest for violating some sort of environmental law, and well for hurting my feelings.

Jimmy the Dumper: Wait a minute! You're in cut off shorts, crocs, and an FBI (Female Body Inspector) shirt. You're not a real cop!

Sheriff: Son, I have a bottle cap from a Jackson Hole soda that looks like a badge of some sort that proves otherwise. Now if you'll please come quietly we'll get this all sorted out back at the station.

Jimmy the Dumper: You mean that creepy shed behind your house? Screw this I'm out of here. *He then pushes over the sheriff and dumps the rest of the waste on him, ensuring that his daddy will give him the five dollars he so deserves to go buy some chew down at Art's Dairy Bar.*


The moral of this story is don't be a chump. Drinking Jackson Hole does not make you a law official, but it does mean that you have great taste. All of their sodas have gotten outstanding marks here at Thirsty Dudes. Their sarsaparilla is no different. It tastes like the darkest, heaviest root beer I have ever tried. When it's in your mouth it taste more like a root beer than other sarsaparilla's I've had, but as I said in a unique way. After you swallow, the aftertaste is pure sarsaparilla. That's the way things should be.

On a final note:
Dear Jackson Hole,
Please start distributing your sodas to Buffalo, NY as soon as possible. You're from Wyoming. There is a Buffalo in Wyoming. Pretend that's where you're sending it and send it to New York instead. We really need you in our lives on a more constant basis.
Sincerely,
The City of Buffalo

It's been months now since the Robbins family got stranded on the desert island (yes there is only one on the face of this planet). Margie, the mother of the group, has created an ingenious system where she boils the seawater with a plastic tarp over it so that the water evaporated away from the salt and the steam traveled down the tarp into a separate container to make it drinkable. While she insured their survival with her scientific skills, all they had to drink was bland, slightly salty water. Their thoughts constantly floated to the idea of fancy sodas, even a jug of ghetto tea would be a dream come true. Alas, all they have is mom's water.

Then one day the kids were out on my beach. Sally, the daughter, was leaning against a tree reading the autobiography of Steve Guttenberg, because it's the only book they have on the island. Bobby was bored, as young boys on desert islands tend to be so he decided to torment Sally. He started off with a rousing game of repeating everything Sally said, but as she was reading that didn't really work. Then he switched over to "I'm not touching you." Unfortunately Sally was so engrossed in a chapter about Three Men and a Little Lady that she didn't even notice. Finally as an act of desperation he started shaking the tree violently to get some sort of reaction out of her. She glanced up annoyed, and just as Bobby was about to celebrate a coconut fell from the tree and cracked him right in the skull. That of course set Sally into a fit of giggles until she noticed that the coconut had cracked open and a liquid was dribbling out. She put some on her finger and tasted it. It was kind of sweet, and very tasty. She pried the coconut open a little more and drank the juice that was inside. It wasn't the best thing she ever had, but it sure beat mom's water. Once Bobby woke up they fashioned him a helmet and had him shake trees all the livelong day so they could have fresh coconut water.

I'm no longer going to talk about my past feelings on coconut water. I have been converted and this is one of the best bottles I've had yet. If you're hot and parched, crack open an ice cold bottle and enjoy the summer.

There is a scientist somewhere whose sole purpose in life is to create flavoring that tastes like various fruits. He's just sitting in a lab working things out with a white coat on and everything. It's a hard line of work that he's in. Sure companies could actually use the fruit they say their flavors taste like, but they are just too cheap for the money involved with that. So this sole scientist slaves over various extracts and syrups serving his master companies. The higher ups applaud his work and tell him that he is spot on with the taste. He knows better though. He knows his work taste vaguely chemical and at best is only halfway to the actual taste he's looking for. He cries himself to sleep in his tiny studio apartment. He spends so much time at the lab that he doesn't have time for relationships.

Don't worry soldier, we know that someday you'll get the flavors right. You were almost there with this blueberry. Every other sip actually tastes like the fruit. The others taste like sweet "fruity" sugar water. It's an uphill battle you're fighting, but don't give up. Someday you will revolutionize the flavor business.

So the world knows that lemonade is simply a squeezed lemon with some sugar added to it. It's not a secret. It really is just common knowledge. The real question is why did I not realize that orangeade was the same thing except with the fruits switched? Really I always just thought it was just some garbage “orange drink.” I guess I was right in the case of the Arizona version.

I have to say, is it necessary for it to exist? It doesn't taste bad in any sense, but it's orange juice we're messing with here. It's a classic and is amazing on it's own. I feel that by adding sugar it's cheapening the juice. It's making it into something that would be fit to be put in a juice box for kids. This is nothing against the Rob's version of orangeade. It's the best I've ever had, but like I said it just leaves me wanted some good old-fashioned orange juice with lots of pulp.

For the longest time I stayed away from Tazo teas because when I first saw them I tried two different flavors and they both tasted heavily of mint. I don't remember what flavors they were exactly, but I remember thinking that there was absolutely no need for mint to be in the mix. When Mike and I were in the grocery store the other day staring at the same drinks that have been there for what now seems like forever I decided we needed to up the number of Tazo reviews. Good or bad it was our duty to write something up.

When I opened this bottle at work today I was expecting the minty worst. I took a cautionary sniff, and it was all tea and berry. Things were looking up. A tiny sip and I was relieved to find this was mint free. I did check the ingredients for mint beforehand (it wasn't there), but I swear I did that in the past and was fooled. This bottle just contains black tea, and fruit juice. It's just the way I like things. This is actually one of the better raspberry teas I've ever had. It still has a dry bitterness from the tea, but it's still sweet and tastes like actual fruit.

I have cast you aside for years Tazo and for that I apologize. This is the fourth tea of yours we have reviewed and all have gotten four bottles. I will be visiting you again shortly.

As a child I spent a lot of time out at my grandparents house out in the country. They lived in this awesome old house with a barn and a chicken coop (minus the chickens, which had been replaced by old bikes and lawnmowers). Whenever I was out there I always felt like a character from an old coming of age book. I'd spend my time on a tire swing, shooting my bow and arrows and making lead soldiers out in the barn workshop. . It was a nice break from video games and television. It's what I would have always wanted early childhood to be like

In the back room of their house there was a secondary refrigerator that was always stocked with beer and pop. Keep in mid this was the mid-eighties so the soda that was contained in the fridge generally came in those tall glass bottles. There was always Pepsi, 7Up and a wide variety of Faygo purchased from Pixley's market. The Pixley's lived in front of the market and they had a pet monkey for a short time. I never saw it though because when my grandfather went to visit it once it grappled onto his face and bit his ear. I have to admit that in hindsight that is hysterical, but at the time I wanted nothing to do with that monkey.

I've gotten off tangent. Back to the Fridge-O-Soda. My favorite was the Faygo Frosh. I don't even remember what it tasted like, but I loved it at the time. It may have been grapefruit flavored. That would make sense. When I ran out of Frosh I would turn to my old standby, Red Pop. Since this is the cane sugar version of this drink I am assuming that it is the same formula at from my childhood. I mean why would they change it? I used to love this stuff, but now it's just kind of ehhh. It's supposed to be strawberry flavored, but it just tastes like some sort of red candy. There's no distinguishable fruit flavor involved. I was hoping that I would still love this, but you can't win them all. Even though it's not spectacular in flavor it does have an awesome design on the bottle. So classy.

What is the deal with sucralose? Why is it the worst sweetener this world has ever seen? Less that 1% of this beverage is sucralose, yet it has overthrown the rest of the flavors in the bottle. I hate hate hate hate HATE IT!

This started off strange enough. It's called "Pomegranate Berry" so that is what I thought I was getting into. As soon as I took a sip I knew something was amiss. A quick check of the ingredients informed me that there are actually more vegetables than fruit in this juice. I'm all for vegetables, but when you're not expecting them it's a bit off putting. It's really just the tomato paste that threw me for a loop. So here you have a blend of fruits and vegetables, that really tastes heavy on the vegetable side, and then sucralose shows it's ugly face and completely ruins everything. I know this is a diet drink, and I'm not saying they should have added cane sugar or anything like that. What I am saying is that I think this juice could have stood by itself without any added sweetener, but American's are dumb and need everything overly sweet.

Dear Readers,
I am afraid that Thirsty Dudes has ruined me. I used to drink cheap syrupy iced teas all the darn time, and I loved it. Now that I've been drinking so much quality teas and the unsweetened variety has become such a part of me these teas are a little hard to get down. They don't taste like real tea in any way. I feel like I'm drinking sugar water with heavy flavoring in it. It has that fake peach flavoring, which I can no longer get down with. This claims to be 100% natural yet it contains no juice and is sweetened with corn syrup. I think JB's is taking a loose interpretation of the word natural.

All of those complaints aside, I drank this while I was dripping with sweat, printing shirts in a million degree room, and I will admit it quenched my thirst. Then again a tall cool glass of horse urine may have refreshed me at that moment.

Alo what have you done! Your mother and I leave you home alone for two hours, entrusting you with keeping the house safe and this is how you repay us? It looks like you filmed a Beastie Boys video in here! All we can say is how deeply disappointed we are in you. You've always been such a well-behaved beverage. Sure you hung out with the weird flavored nerdy kids every once and awhile, but overall you got good marks. Lately you've been getting mixed up with an unsavory crowd like that Johnny Coconut kid. I don't like the cut of his jib. Don't argue with me! I don't care if it's the only jib he's got! That kid is bad news. Just look what he's done to our home and more importantly our precious aloe juice! He's tainted it! It no longer tastes wonderful and sweet. It doesn't even taste like chalky coconut water. How on Earth did you two get all mixed together and end up tasting like some sort of cereal milk? Have you been drinking? Please tell me you're not on the pot! The fun has even been taken out of the chunks. I don't believe this. We're you supposed to be babysitting the neighbor's kids, Peach and Kiwi? Where have they gotten off to, because I sure don't taste them in here!

Arizona has run the inexpensive iced tea game for years. You can pretty much walk into any gas station/corner store and they will have a cooler filled with Arizona tall boys. It's hard to go wrong with paying so little for so much of a more than decent beverage. Now, like the Romans before them, Arizona is expanding their empire. They dabbled with energy drinks and now they have moved on to sports drinks and they are taking that scene by storm.

On first look I had such low expectations for this drink. It comes in the traditional 34oz Gatorade-esque bottle, and the label design is fairly terrible. I understand it's the company's logo but nothing about the southwest screams hydration to me. Someone should probably get fired for this. Davis, we understand you've been with the company for 10 years now, and we appreciate all the hard work you're put into the job. The think is the label you did for the sports drink looks a bit childish. On top of that it makes people think about the desert. Davis, as we all know there is no hope in the desert. People are going to think that it's a crapshoot when they open their bottle. Will it be a thirst quenching electrolyte replenishing tasty beverage, or will they get a mouthful of sand and armadillo poop. Do you really want our customers concerned with …€˜dilla poop Davis? I certainly do not! We're knocking you back down to taste tester. Due to current laws we can't lower your rate of pay, so you'll be making the same. Why do you look so happy Davis? You just got demoted. I don't care if you are my wife's brother I can't believe I let her talk me into hiring you. Imagine a world where people are happy to be demoted. Sure you're doing basically no work and getting paid an obscene amount of money to drink our products day in and out, but what about your lost status? Okay so now that you're officially a taste tester what do you think about the drink you did the inappropriate artwork for? It tastes crisp and clean? Well of course it does! We've already covered the fact that there is no armadillo excrement in it! You say it's way superior to Gatorade and it's counterparts because it's all natural and not all syrupy? Now you better not be saying that to get your old job back. We don't let just anyone work 65 hours a week on salary around here!

Sioux City has had stellar marks thus far on Thirsty Dudes. Okay, Mike gave the ginger beer only 3 bottles, but I think he was having an off day. Everything else has been great thus far. They even made a good weird blue berry soda that was great. I didn't know what to expect with the prickly pear. I assumed it was cactus flavored, due to the label, but I had worries that it might be pear and let's face it pear drinks tend to be pretty gross. Lucky for us it was cactus flavored and Sioux City keeps up their batting average.

This has an incredibly familiar scent to it, but for the life of me I can't place it. It seriously has been driving me crazy. I think it might remind me of the smell of some of the Skeleteens' sodas, but I'm not positive. It also tastes exactly like it smells and that drives me even crazier that I can't place it. I'm supposed to be a professional here, and my memory is putting me back in the bush league.

It's sweet and almost candy like. Derek says that it almost reminds him of some sort of Jolly Rancher. I disagree because that is one candy that is totally gross sauce. There are two distinct waves of flavor. The first I can only assume is what cactus is supposed to taste like, and then the weird candy taste hits you afterwards. I really enjoy both of them. Now if only I could remember what this tastes like I'll actually be able to sleep tonight.

I just finished off a container of hands down the best salsa I have ever tasted in my life. Christine Mackie's mom made it, and I will love her forever for her salsa skills. The mass amounts of basil in it made it absolutely incredible. I am going to have dreams for months about this salsa. It will haunt me that it is not readily available in my life.

Now that it's gone I just want a nice crisp tasting beverage. Cucumber drinks have never failed me in the past. They are always refreshing and tasty. Now you mix cucumber with aloe and you should have an award winning drink, right? Wrong! If I were a dirty child at some crazy strict olde timey Catholic school a nun would have smacked me over the knuckles with a ruler for that incorrect answer. Yes in theory it should have been amazing. In the world of functionAloe it was down right terrible. It tastes like neither aloe nor cucumber. It does taste like it should be some sort of cleaner. I really couldn't get more than a few sips down before I started contemplating if I needed to call poison control. If I downed this entire bottle I think I might have to get my stomach pumped. I guess they weren't kidding when they named this “Cleanse.”

Some people may blame the taste on the fact that it's sweetened with stevia, but I can vouch for that little guy. I've had plenty of drinks that he has sweetened and he is my favorite “diet” sweetener. Also, there are no chunks in this. What is a point of an aloe drink without fun chunks?

For something that had the potential to be one of my favorite drinks ever this went in completely the wrong direction. It would have been hard for them to make it any worse. I really wish I had more of that incredible salsa to kill the poison on my tongue.

This little guy almost killed me. I opened the bottle, took a swig and I somehow swallowed it wrong and started to choke. It felt like bubbly sugary soda felt like it was dripping down into my lung sacks. For a split second I thought I was going to die. Every breath was filled with gurgling liquid. Luckily I persevered, and I am able to write you a review.

Is there such a thing as bad birch beer? If so I've never come across it. There are three categories of it, micro-brewed, county fair and candy-esque. All of them have their merits, with very little drawbacks. This falls under the candy category. It's doesn't have a gross candy flavor, but it's just way sweeter than other birch beers. It really feels like it should just be a root beer, but then the unmistakable aftertaste sets in and it's birch beer city. It's not spectacular, but it's better than most sodas. I can't complain about that.

Here at Thirsty Dudes we search far and wide, from bodega to grocery store looking for the perfect ginger drink. The general populace has been fooled into believing that main stream ginger ale's are in fact what ginger is all about, when in reality most of those sodas don't have even a smidgen of actual ginger in them.

When our journey first began we believed that the stronger the burn from the ginger, the better the soda. We found some that really knocked us on our butts and they were great. Now that we are a bit older and arguably wiser we've come to accept that a blend of flavor and burn is what we truly want from our ginger soda. A soda can burn so bad that you won't be able to taste anything for a while, and that might be fun, but really how often are you going to sip on a bottle of something like that.

Today Bruce Cost stepped up to the plate. He didn't point to the stands to signify he was going to knock us into next Tuesday. He just stood there, shrugged and said "If you like this that's cool. If not, that's cool too." Well Bruce we did more than like it. We loved it!

The bottle states that "Separation is natural" so I gently shook the bottle. As I did a cloud of sediment with little pieces of actual ginger lifted from the bottle and swirled around the amber tinted fluid contained within. That is always a good sign. Drinks that need to be shook due to settling are almost always superior to those that are consistent all the way through. Finally it was time to twist off the cap. As soon as I did a nice fruity ginger aroma greeted my nostrils. When I took a bigger whiff it kind of burned, which is another good sign. After a single sip, I knew it was love and that it was the real thing. I knew wedding bells were in my future. Hey I live in New York State. Same sex marriages are now legal. I can only assume that means that the next bill to pass will let me marry an inanimate object. (For the record I am so stoked and proud of NYS for passing the same sex marriage law. How it took people so long is beyond me.) It's slightly fruity and flowery, but ginger will always be the main player here. It's the only flavor I've ever known that can overpower pomegranate and believe me that fruit needed to be put in its place. Oh, the burn? It's there. It's not a crazy burn like the Goya Ginger Beer has, but it's decent enough that I can say that I have no complaints. This may in fact be the greatest ginger ale that I have ever consumed. Bruce Cost if you are an actual human and we ever meet be prepared for a hearty handshake and a big wet kiss on the lips.

All of my life I have thought of coconuts as the vilest of fruits. I straight up hated it and anything that it was in. I feel like a lot of food, especially desserts were ruined for me. Mounds and Almond Joys? No Thanks!

When coconut water started to become popular I didn't understand it. None of us at Thirsty Dudes were a fan of coconut, so we kind of ignored it existence. Normally we try to give objective reviews to drinks that we know we won't like because of our personal tastes, but with coconut water we didn't think we'd be able to down enough of the bottle to even do that. A while back I got a carton of a fruit enhanced version of it. It tasted like it was curdling. So gross. Now thanks to Zico I know what my problem was. I drank it at room temperature. Coconut water is made to be drank ice cold and when it is it is actually kind of awesome.

Even ice cold it still has a remote chalky taste to it, but nothing terrible. It is crisp and refreshing. The pineapple in this isn't very strong. It's more of a general tropical citrus flavor.

Coconut water will never be one of my favorites, but I can now appreciate it for what it is. Just remember to drink it as cold as possible, or it could be completely gross.

Skeleteens were way ahead of their time in the soda timeline. They made weird and unusual sodas while the rest of the world was content with the classics. On top of that they were also way ahead of the game in terms of energy drinks. They played a large role in my beverage consumption as a teenager and they will always have a place in my heart. I'm so glad that Real Soda has taken over the drink line and it has seen the light of day again.

I love this drink, but my question is why does it taste nothing like it's purple counterpart? The purple Love Potion is grape flavored with a burn to it. This is more of a berry flavor with the slightest memory of a burn. It actually has a candied flavor with a kick to it. I don't really know how to explain it. It tastes like it should burn your throat, but it doesn't. It's definitely a unique flavor.

As with most of the Skeleteens' sodas I could do without all of the wacky sayings on the label, but I know that was part of the charm of these drinks when I was 15.

I demand to know who is in charge of keeping track of ORACs aka antioxidant comparison. As far as I can tell companies just make up numbers. Acai drinks always seems to list the ORAC found in acai in comparison to other antioxidant rich fruits and the numbers are never even close to the same. I'm calling shenanigans!

As for the juice contained (yes I know they say it's a smoothie, but it has the consistency of juice so that is what it is in my world) it smells terrible. Vaguely rotting. I was skeptical to even drink it. I sucked up my fear and I took a sip, which actually tasted pretty good. The acai flavor isn't as harsh as I expected it to be. The other ingredients mellow it out a bit. It's not in my list of greatest juices of all time, but because of the health aspect of it I have no real complaints aside from the retched odor. I advise not breathing until it's in your mouth already.

A lone luchador sits in a dimly lit locker room in a dusty Mexican town. He knows he's getting too old for this, but he wrestles for pride and the money he is paid certainly helps with his bills. He's pretty sure he has a couple of broken ribs from his last match. Never fight in a tag team match when you don't know much about your partner. His was a good for nothing so-and-so just parading around the mat. He was self-centered fool, and they paid for it with the crunch of bones. The luchador can hear the announcer psyching up the crowd. It won't be long before he has to go out in the ring. This will probably be his last match and with his injuries he will get clobbered.
Just then he notices a little boy from the town in the shadows. He calls him over and the boy hands him a bottle and simply says, "mahn-go." Underneath his mask the luchador gives a little smile. He flexes and growls which scares the boy off, leaving his bottle of juice behind. The wrestler unties the back of his mask and lifts it just enough so that his mouth is exposed. As he twists the cap off of the bottle he notices that whoever made it took a lot of care with their label. The paper has a very special texture. He takes a sip and memories of the ancient city of Coba flood into his mind. When he next becomes aware of his surroundings the bottle is empty and he is filled with a renewed sense of purpose. On his lips there is a lingering flavor of ripe mangoes. It is one of the best things he has tasted in recent times. It's sticky and sweet in all of the right ways. He knows what he has to do. He marches out just as the announcer is calling his name. As he enters the ring he knows that he will win this fight for his heritage. Oh, and for the couple of hundred dollars that is the purse. He has some alimony and child support that he owes his ex wife and her lawyer has been sending a lot of threatening letters.

It's 90 degrees out and you're exhausted. Not only that, but you're also drenched in sweat from playing basketball with the neighborhood kids. Sure their average age is 13, but that didn't stop you from dunkin' on them left and right. After you scored 27 points they told you that you were a prick and took their ball home with them. Maybe you were a bit harsh on them, but if you're not how else are they going to learn to try harder? Also, you looked super rad doing those windmill dunks. You looked exactly like that MJ silhouette. Good thing Johnny next door has one of those hoops that you can adjust the height on. There's no way you would have been able to do that on a regulation net.

Now you're home and the AC is kicking in your pad. You're "old lady" said she has just the drink for you. She presents this Gatorade like it is a holy grail. She says it has cucumber in it, like she uses on her eyes. That way you won't get wrinkles on your insides. What is she crazy? You thinking that watching her stories has finally broke her. Oh well you're completely parched and dehydrated. As soon as you open it smells like you live on a cucumber farm, or more likely that someone used that cucumber melon lotion. You take a big gulp and it's like someone liquefied one cucumber for each sweet dunk you did and put it in some lime Gatorade. That may sound bad in theory, but in practice it's wonderful. It's weird because there is pretty much zero aftertaste with each sip. You crush the whole bottle and go hit the showers. It's a hard life being on top of the food chain.

I am convinced that in a few moments I will wake up and I will be hooked up to all sorts of crazy scientific equipment. There will be EKGs, MRIs and various other three-letter acronyms. This is my thought process because I can not believe that this drink exists. Surely my fellow scientists have me hooked up to machines so that they can peer into my dreams and see the insanity that roams around my cranial cavity.

In essence this is a ginger cream soda. How awesome is that? To sweeten the pot a tad bit of lime was introduced into the mix. It has the flavor of a ginger beverage that would ravage your throat, but one of the other flavors is keeping the burn in check and it goes down as smooth as can be. I have never had a drink with such a pure ginger taste that didn't burn. The vanilla is absolutely prefect. It's not too creamy or overbearing. It blends right in with the ginger. I'm not sure what the lime is doing. It's in there, that is for sure, but it's just a hint and that's all there needs to be. To put a cherry on the proverbial top it is sweetened with agave.

My neuro patterns must be going insane right now. This is hands down one of the best beverages I have ever tasted. Mike if I wake up and you're in a lab coat standing over me with Manny on the table next to you, I will be forced to punch you directly in the throat for bringing this non-existent beverage into my consciousness. If not and this is real, then I need to order this by the case.