Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

It's become way popular these days for companies to make beverages that are basically a healthier version of Gatorade. The first I knew to do it was Vitamin Water, and I thought they did a great job. That is until I tried the Ex product line. It blows vitamin water out of the....well....water. I don't know if it's just because it's clear, but it feels more like water to me. A nicely sweetened flavored water. It's like someone watered down peach and mango juice and somehow made it so that it doesn't taste watered down. That is a feat in itself. The vitamins in it are just an added bonus. I hope to see these popping up in gas stations around the country.

Guys, thanks for coming over and helping me clean up the house. As you know I have this big party coming up for some foreign dignitaries and I want everything to be perfect. You guys have made that possible. This place is spotless. I can literally see my reflection in the floor. I think I finally have the proper setting to hammer out those peace treaties. I'll tell you this though; I am parched from all that work. Luckily I have this bottle of lemon-flavored aloe. This is going to be refreshing to no end. *twists off cap. chug. spit take.* Okay which one of you wisenheimers switched out my aloe for cleaning products!?!?! Guys this isn't funny I could get really sick! You swear you didn't? Well now that you mention it the freshness seal did check when I opened it. Apparently Lily of the Desert wanted this drink to takes the way that Lemon Pledge smells. It even smells strange. This is my first time around with this company and it's also my first time being disappointed with an aloe drink. The chunks are more like the pulp in orange juice than normal aloe chunks. I thought it might have just been me who didn't "get" this drink so I had five other people try it, and everyone had an identical reaction. The stevia and the lemon just do not blend well together.

My roommate went to New Jersey last weekend with one of his bands. They went to a Hispanic market and he apparently spent way too much money on drinks and snacks. This has been sitting in our fridge since then (hence it's half gone in the picture), so I decided to have a glass and write a little review.

First off this has a perfumey aroma like lychee, which was completely unexpected. When I read fruit flavored I generally think of a fruit punch. Apparently the fine people of Columbia think differently. To me it tastes like bubble gum flavored pop with a little bit of lychee thrown into the mix. The thought of that is completely repulsive to be, but in practice it's actually kind of good. There's a bit of a red cream soda flavor mixed in there as well. With each sip I become more acclimated and I like it a little more. This is strange and nothing what I expected. I will say that this is a seven-year-old's dream come true. Some fat little kid out there would down this entire two-liter bottle in less than five minutes. That kids parents are doing a terrible job with raising that kid.

When most people think of the word passion their minds are automatically filled with the ideas of love and sexual lust. It's a positive thing that can lead to joy and fun. What people forget is that passion can also go the other way. You can also hate someone with a deep passion. It's any extreme emotion. So my question is were passion fruits names for love or hate?

I'd like to think that it was such a delicious fruit that it caused two ancient tribes to go to war. Both wanted control of the passion fruit orchards (they grow on trees right?) and were willing to go to extremes to gain said control. So I guess it would work both ways. Their absolute love of the fruit resulted in extreme hatred for the other tribe. I totally understand that. This juice smells and tastes wonderfully. It's only 14% passion fruit juice and if someone tried to take it from me I would probably slap them involuntarily. Imagine what I would do for the actual fruit. Did that just blow your mind? If so you should probably put down the bong because it really wasn't that deep of a thought.

Lemonade is something that you sip on a beach, or on your back deck. Better yet it's a nice beverage to slowly sip when sitting in a gazebo. I don't know why or where it came from but I have a pretty immense love of gazebos. They are so relaxing and nice to look at. If I even end up owning a house you can bet your ass there will be a gazebo in the back yard. Now back to lemonade. It's is a wonderful drink in all the above situations. It is not a good choice as refreshment for hiking. It burns the throat, and it's way too sweet. I made a poor choice today, but I still enjoyed this bottle of Calypso. I do have to say that the lemon in this bottle was way stronger than in any of their other flavors I have tried. It was super strong lemon with just a hint of pineapple and passion fruit. I could have gone for a little more pineapple in it, but I'm sure that would have ravaged my throat even more. I will say that this is also the first of their products that I've had where I could actually feel the chunks from the lemon pulp. If I wasn't hoping for them I probably wouldn't have realized, but it was nice.

It was very nice out today. People were out doing yard work, hanging out with parks, and walking their dogs down the road everywhere I went. What did I do today? I took a little stroll with my lady friend around Elmwood Village and then went with Editor Dan to explore an old cement factory that has been abandoned and left to rot for well over 50 years. Let me tell you, I think we had most people's plans for the day beat. There are also some caves back their, but they were either sealed off by a rock slide, or we are too big of idiots to find them.

I can also tell you something else. When exploring you work up a mean thirst. We stopped at a convenience store to pick up some refreshments. Unfortunately for us their selection was pretty beat. I grabbed this Arizona, because I needed something and it was cheap. I thought we had already reviewed it, but when I checked it somehow had slipped through the cracks.

This was an old standby for myself for years. I would go to the University Heights section of town to go to basement shows all the time. In-between bands we would walk to the nearby gas station for iced tea and this is what I purchased 90% of the time. I always referred to it as "dirt flavored." To clarify it actually tastes nothing like dirt at all, but the coloring and design of the can always made me think of some old tincture that surely would taste like dry mud. It's actually way, way sweet. It's green tea with mango, pear and lemon juice in it. It also has some herbs in it that make it a half-assed energy drink. I don't think I've ever felt any energy from one of these, but I sure do like the way they taste. It's very different than any of the other flavors of Arizona. I believe it is the only fruit flavored green tea they produce. The green tea compared to the black makes all the difference.

If this were a new company that I found I probably would have given this a three bottle review, but since I have so much history with this drink, and I started drinking it before I discovered non-HFCS teas, I will give it a four. I loved it back then when I was ignorant, and I still enjoy it a great deal now.

This has been sitting in my fridge waiting for the perfect moment to drink it. It sounded incredible. The Honest company has a history of making amazing drinks, so when I learned that they made a chocolate line I was very interested. I'm not a huge fan of coffee, but I have enjoyed every Mocha that I've ever tried. You know Mocha, hot chocolate with a little kick. I hardly consider it coffee. It's more of a chocolate drink with a little coffee added.

Since today is supposed to be the so-called rapture, I decided it was now or quite literally never. I guess that's not true. If it were the rapture all of the good Christians would be raised up to heaven while my friends and I had some more time left to suffer on Earth. I would celebrate that suffering with a whole mess of drinks. Seeing as it's all a fairy tale anyways I will drink this mocha cacao in celebration of me being intelligent enough to realize that angels aren't going to come carry people away today.....or ever.

On first smell this has a weird scent. Almost like the chocolate milk that is left in the bowl after you eat some Coco Puffs, but stronger. I took a sip, and this was not what I was expecting at all. It was as if they melted down baking chocolate, watered it down and added two shots of black coffee. First you're hit by the watery baking chocolate taste. It's bitter, but not the good bitter like when you get some quality dark chocolate. As you hold it in your mouth that flavor stays, but as soon as you swallow and take a breath the coffee sets in. I always find it odd when drinks have distinct waves of flavor. In some juices it's nice, but for this it's not working for me. I would have preferred this all blended into one tight flavor.

I really, really wanted to like this, but to be honest I couldn't make it through half of the bottle. I had expected a richer chocolate taste. If you really like coffee maybe it will be something you really enjoy. I'll pass it off to an angel if I see one today.

Editor Dan picked this up for me a while ago. I would have drunk it much sooner, but something about the label just screamed, "diet" to me. I think it's the pink they used in their design. So for weeks this has been sitting in the crisper of my fridge with a handful of other drinks. This morning I woke up late and had to get to work in a hurry. Juice was an obvious necessary. This was the only bottle of juice I had that was already cold. I shrugged, grabbed the bottle and headed for the door.

I was still skeptical about how this was going to taste, so it wasn't until an hour into my workday that I finally opened it. I took a sip and instantly wished the bottle was larger. It didn't taste too much like pomegranate berry, but it did taste like the most perfect mixture of grape and apple juice. I really don't taste berry in this at all. I can see a little pomegranate in the grape flavor, but I don't know why they named it what they did.

There is also resveratrol in this. You don't know what that is? What are you some kind of dummy? Don't worry I had never heard of it before either. In tests done on bugs and animals it has shown to lower blood sugar, and it seems to be anti-cancer and anti-inflammatory. It hasn't been proven to work in humans yet, but if it's not going to harm anyone why not take the chance of it working and throwing it into the mix.

So far this has been my least favorite of the Celsius line. The sucralose in this is just overpowering. It somehow tastes like a diet ginger drink with some diet berry flavoring added to it. If you're used to the diet taste it's probably tastes fine to you. I didn't really enjoy it at all. I will still give this a three-bottle rating though as it gave me all the energy I needed to exercise. So much in fact that Mike and I rode our bikes for nearly 30 miles last night and I didn't feel exhausted at all. Hopefully it also actually burned off those extra calories like it promised to as well.

I challenge anyone to read the name of this soda aloud and not think of Billy Ocean. It is a scientific impossibility. Even those humans who have never heard Mr. Ocean will automatically get "Caribbean Queen" stuck in their head. I think Journey should hire that wonder to do a parody for promotion of this soda. It would go something like this:

"Caribbean Creme
Now we're tasting vanilla cream
And our hearts they drink as one
With some coconut for fun."

Okay that was terrible. How am I ever to support myself as a jingle writer like I've always dreamed? Looks like I'll have to stick to screen printing.

Now back to the soda. This is one of the strongest vanilla flavors I've ever had in a soda. It's all due to some pure Java vanilla bean extract. It's pretty intense. The coconut is more subdued. I don't really like coconut, so I feared it would overpower the rest of the drink. It's really not bad. There is a hint of it, but it doesn't leave the gross coconut aftertaste. That's what I really hate about that specific fruit. Overall this is very tropical tasting and I believe it should be enjoyed on the beach.

Now I need to find a company that a parody of "Get Out of my Dreams" will work for.

So the Teavana ad keeps popping up when I load our site. I have to say their tea is delicious. Possibly the best I've ever had. To be fair I haven't had much loose-leaf tea in my life, but the types I've had from there are over the top good. They have tea that has been picked by trained monkeys (Okay I think it was just a story about a monkey picking tea, but for the sake of the review let's pretend it's their tea that is monkey picked). Having a trained monkey would be pretty rad. At first I think I'd have him run errands for me, but eventually I would probably just hang out with him and play Uno or something. If I were ever in Japan I'd sure as hell have that little bugger pick me some tealeaves.

The leaves Teas' Tea uses may not be picked by monkeys, but it is pretty pure tasting. It's all natural and unsweetened. It's water, green tea and ascorbic acid (vitamin c). In the world of unsweetened green tea it doesn't get much better than this. Lucky for us Big Lots got a bunch in and they are blowing them out for $1 a bottle (they are normally about $4). I will be drinking this all day at work for weeks to come. Now how do I acquire a monkey, and then how do I train it?

Just yesterday Editor Dan and I were talking about how The Rob's Really Good teas were decent, but that none of them have been as good as we had expected them to be. I mean when something is named "Really Good" it better live up to it. Also the artwork on the labels at first glance looks cheesy, but the more I look at each of them the more I like it. On top of that it's all organic. So yeah, they haven't been bad (well maybe the Drink Your Salad one was a bit gross), but we wanted more from the company.

Today I drank their blueberry variety and I would like to append our conversation from yesterday. It would now read "Yeah they are okay, but I really expected more from them, except that blueberry one. That one is fantastic." It's a sweet tea with actual blueberry flavoring in it. The label calls it "organic blueberry essence." So if I'm any sort of scientist, which I am, I can tell you that means that the life force that lives in all blueberries runs through the ions in this drink. Once you drink it, that life force becomes a part of you. I'm not positive but I think that means that once you drink this you can actually talk to blueberries and those happy little buggers will talk back. There is even an artist's rendition of how they look after you drink this on the bottle. Unfortunately the life force will only remain in your system until you pee it out. Too bad I don't have any blueberries on hand to talk to. I'd like to see what their take of Lost Highway is.

I'm pretty sure BOT may have been contracted by NASA to make this beverage. I can think of no other reason why this smells so much like Tang. It's what astronauts drink, in case you didn't know. Not only do they drink it, but Thirsty Mike used to drink an obscene amount of it when we used to live together. He had a huge tub of the powder that me mixed with water in an old juice container. That powder had a very specific smell that has been exactly replicated by BOT. The flavor is also there, but in a subtle way. You may expect this to be just another version of Vitamin Water, but it stands on it's own. It tastes more like flavored water. It's also has more natural ingredients. The bottle boasts, "Low calorie. No Artificial Sweeteners. No Dyes. No Preservatives. No Sodium." BOT has taken the original Tang and made it better. They want to make sure that our fellow Americans in space get their vitamins, electrolytes and antioxidants. They care about our nations heroes. Well at least they do in my head. They were really probably just trying to make orange flavored water, and the whole Tang thing came as an accident, but a boy can dream.

So that last stress reducer drink didn't quite do the job. I realized the only thing that was going to make me feel better was sitting down with a little Twin Peaks and cracking open an ice cold root beer. A lot of people have been recommending Tower to us, so this seemed like as good a time and any to give it a go.

On first sip I knew this was something good. It had a taste that just let you know that it was brewed and not just flavor syrup. I tasted hints of various herbs. This is not a creamy root beer by any means. As I let each sip sit on my tongue I discovered more and more flavors. Then about halfway down something happened. The root beer started to taste smoky. I don't know how or why it happened, but I had my ladyfriend try it and she noticed it as well. It was interesting to say the least. It took me by shock at first. It was like someone put a couple of drops of liquid smoke in my bottle when I wasn't looking. After I got used to it I really enjoyed it. It made me feel like I was at a bonfire sipping on some quality soda. I imagine this is how root beer tasted to cowboys when they sat around their fires at night on the prairie. Eventually too much smoke would get in their eyes and someone would say, "white rabbit" to set the world right. A white rabbit in a black lodge with Cooper.

The past couple of days have been full of stress. While on vacation I apparently punctured my eardrum. The drops the doctor gave me didn't fix it so I need to see a specialist for possibly surgery. I then found out that I'm probably being dropped from my health insurance at the end of the month. On top of that little things keep adding up. I hit my head several times. When I went to order blank shirts for an order I need to get printed the website crashed and I wasn't able to get them for the time I needed them. Stress. Frustration. Life generally lacking fun.

I decided this drink is just what I needed today. If it's going to help take my mind off of things I'm all for it. It's sweet and bubbly. I can't pin point the exact flavor. It's like grapefruit that was watered down with lemon lime. I enjoy it. I will tell you that. So far it hasn't de-stressed me, but I'll give it some time. Apparently it is supposed to increase serotonin and dopamine levels to promote relaxation and concentration. If it doesn't work in an hour or two I'll probably just end up going to go to bed.

How much juice comes from a single apple? A thimble full? Perhaps enough to fill a shot glass? It always bottles my mind when I think of the quantity of fruit that is needed to produce a single bottle for our drinking pleasures.
I assume giant machines are used to juice apples now. They probably throw them into some vat by the bushel and a big machine smashes them all up and the cores, seeds and pulp are filtered out. What did they do in the olden times? I'd like to think that they juiced apples like they do grapes for wine. Some old ladies peeled a whole mess of apples and put them in a large wooden bucked the size of a shed. Then they climbed in and did a little dance on them with their dirty fungal infected feet. The lower side of said bucket had a little spout that the townspeople could open to get a glass of fresh juice for only a nickel. They were simpler times. This company knows that and that's why the machine they use to mash their apples up is shaped like a gigantic diseased foot. As a result of their efforts they produce some of the best apple juice I have ever consumed. All that is in this bottle is apple juice. No extra water, sweeteners or preservatives. Just like the hill people intended.

Apparently it's ginger day on Thirsty Dudes. Our past three reviews have all been about ginger based drinks. This resulted in me having celebratory veggie dogs. In my infinite wisdom I decided to put some pickled ginger on the dogs. Amazing idea. It gave them a nice little kick. To wash down this wonderful concoction I decided to break open this bottle of Brainalizer. I had no idea what it was supposed to taste like, just that it was a "carbonated herbal beverage." As it turns out it tastes like raspberry or cherry ginger ale, but instead of ginger it was made with other roots and herbs. It's way better than I expected. Since honey is used as the sweetener, it's not overly sugary like most sodas. It also has a slight burn to it, which I always enjoy.

The website on the bottle wasn't up anymore, so I did some research on the internets. It turns out that this was originally a part of the Skeleteens line. That makes sense after reading the ingredients (American and Siberian Ginseng, Gotu Kola, Goldenseal, Dill Weed, Echinacea, Ginko Biloba, Dandelion, African Capsicum). I'm pretty sure this was an early version of an energy drink. Like myself (ginger on hotdogs) it seems that the folks at Skeleteens were visionaries. I applaud them for their work.

After the debacle with my last drink I decided I needed something with a redeeming ginger quality. Grown-Up Soda it is! I know Mike isn't a big fan of this product line, but I have enjoyed every flavor that I've tried. I enjoy that they are not as sweet as normal sodas and have a dry taste to them.

This is a ginger ale made with real ginger root extract, not all of that artificial garbage that is in a lot of ginger ales these days. The difference in taste is very apparent. It doesn't have much of a burn, but after you swallow there is a lingering tingle in the back of your throat.

This has potential to get young kids to drink a lot less sugar. Kids are dumb and are easily tricked. Every kid is especially dumb because they want to be adults. Adults know that being a kid is much more enjoyable. So here's how things should go down. Have an adult that the kid looks up to drink these in front of said child. Don't give the kid a drink yet though. Without a doubt the kid will ask what it is. The response should be "This is a soda for adults. Kids aren't allowed to have it. It's a shame because it's really good. Why don't you have one of those Pepsi's over there? I mean it's not as good, but you know it's something." The kid will then beg and plead to have some of this soda that is for grown ups only. Eventually the adult should act like they are reluctantly giving in and giving the kid some. If the kid says that don't like it the adult should say something along the lines of "See I told you. You aren't old enough to enjoy it yet." The kid will invariably go back for more. Then they will want it all the time instead of the carbonated sugar garbage they were drinking. These are the ideas you have when you are a scientist like myself.

Did you know that all you need to do to get maple syrup is you stick a spigot into any tree in Canada? Any tree at all will do. It won't work at all in any other country, but in Canada if you had a palm tree in your house and stuck a spigot into it, maple syrup would flow out in great torrents. It's a fact. Read a book.

The Kiki company decided to open up their tree faucets and add some lemon and ginger to the sweetness that came pouring out. Something went horribly wrong though. The mixture smells of the air in a high school hallway several minutes after a pile of the nerdy kids vomit has been cleaned up with that weird powder they used. That's definitely the gross lingering scent of vomit. Even if this tasted wonderful (it doesn't) it would be hard to get over the smell. It tastes like diet ginger. I don't know how that's possible since ginger isn't sweet. Also it all tastes very watered down. It's a shame I had high expectations for this.

This is a diet water based drink similar to Vitamin Water or Gatorade. I took a sip and it tasted a bit strange. It was slightly chalky and tasted of citrus. There was something else there that I couldn't quite place. I handed the bottle off to Editor Dan and he couldn't place it either, although he was familiar with it. It was at this time that Dan discovered the downfall of this drink. He looked at the ingredients to try and sort out what the mystery flavor was. He didn't find what he was looking for. Instead he found that the drink contained cod, pollock, haddock, hake, cusk, redfish, sole and flounder in the form of "fish gelatin." What the hell!?!?!! I don't understand it at all, and I certainly don't approve. One sip was all that I ingested of this drink. It was mediocre at best to begin with, but the fact that I was drinking Nemo makes me say no thank you.