Juice - 935 Reviews

Today we woke up to the sunny shore of Grand Cayman. An island whose economy is flourishing since the value of the US dollar is $0.80. Honestly, every drink I bought was not from a tourist trap and they were all over $3. I spent like $20 on about half a dozen pretty basic drinks.

Anyhow, Jessika and I went scuba...ing and it was awesome: tarpon as big as a six years old boy plus a legit shipwreck.

There was no rhyme or reason as to what I picked first but you should know that I was a bit partial to this drink as Grace stuff has been wonderful to us Thirsty Dudes.

I don't know what a june plum is, but I think I know what a golden apple, which is the parenthesized title of this drink. My guess is a yellow apple. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Either way the flavor was that of a weak apple. It doesn't stop there, though. There was ginger in it and that little bit of bite, that little bit of spice, made this drink. It wasn't as much as a ginger beer, but it was enough to make you do a double take because it "zinged" you. You got zinged, dogg.

I can't get this stuff back home, hence, why I got it on the Cayman Islands. Sure, everything is too expensive, even for a tourist trap, but it did give me this little gem.

Do you remember Uncle Traveling Matt from Fraggle Rock? Well, he's back in a big way. What they never really delved into during the show was that the whole reason for Matt's travels was that he was searching for a fruit that he had once tried as a child. He was so fixated on a fruit whose name that he had never known that he traversed the globe and tried every fruit he could get his hands on.

His trip would have been cut way shorter if it wasn't for the great blunder of `93. That was when he first visited Florida and tried an orange. He thought that it was similar to the fruit of his memories, but it wasn't quite there. It was on that same trip that he passed a grapefruit orchard, but he kept right on going because he mistook them for unripe oranges. Since that time he had gone all over the world and felt that he must start over. On his second trip to Florida a few years ago he finally tasted a grapefruit and the memories came flooding back. The way it's sour juices spilled over his throat in such unique way. He had tried it with sugar, and sure it was tasty, but he felt it ruined the magic of the fruit. He spent the day as if it were a dream wandering the orchard and gorging himself on the yellow fruit.

The next morning he took what was left of his monies and purchased the orchard. He then went to task or juicing the wonderful fruit for the world to enjoy. He sent a case back to Gobo and the rest of the Fraggles, but they never received them. After Doc passed away the Fraggles never seemed to receive their mail anymore. It was a travesty.
“Oh well,” thought Matt at least the world could still experience his juice, which was made of nothing but the nectar of organically grown grapefruits. He never made it from concentrate, nor did he ever add sugar. Matt was a purist when it came to fruit juice and the world thanked him for his wonderfully sour juice.

Everyone knows that carrots help with your eyesight. If you eat enough carrots you can read books in a pitch-black setting, it's a simple fact. What many people don't know that rabbits are the key to even better vision. They consume an insane amount of carrots, and then something happens with their metabolism that creates an enzyme that can cure the blind. The only problem is that the enzyme resides in the rabbit's ears, so they must be removed for the sake of science and in the name of better eye care. Okay, if you believe that, you my “friend” are a moron. In fact, according to the internet, just eating carrots doesn't even help your eye site, you must also do eye exercises. Say goodbye to everything you knew about healthy eating.

I have a tendency not to look at ingredient lists, or descriptive writing on drink bottles until after I drink them. The reason being that I don't want it to affect my review. I want to go in blind. With that in mind I expected this to be mainly carrot juice with mango and blackcurrant juice added. I knew there would be other stuff in there too, but that is what I expected the base to be. With carrots on my mind I took a swig and was pleasantly surprised to find out that it didn't taste like carrots at all. In reality it tastes like a mango orange juice with just a hint of currants. After I contemplated the sip I checked out the ingredients and I was correct, there's not a drop of carrot juice is present. It is all white grape, pear, orange, mango and blackcurrant juice with a whole mess of other “eye” ingredients. It tastes pretty great as a juice. I would never expect that it had such ocular benefits from the flavor. I would have just taken it as a juice.

This is one of those rare occasions that I should have read the ingredients before I drank it. You see this drink contains fish oil, a no-no for a vegetarian such as myself. If you have similar dietary restrictions I would stay away, but if not try it out and give your eyes some love.

Ps. The companies name on the packaging looks like a nose and two eyes. I hope that was intentional.

Wait, I thought that Fandango was that service where you could order movie tickets? Oh, it is. I'm not crazy. When I asked you to bring up Fandango, I meant for you to bring it up on the computer, not bring me a glass of sparkling juice. Yes, I know we have plans tonight to go to your niece's stupid recital. Oh good we get to go listen to four year olds pretend they know how to sing and play instruments. I just wanted to try and pre-order tickets for Batman. Yes, I know that it doesn't come out until mid June, but I want to make sure that I get tickets for the midnight showing. I mean it's Batman, he's the greatest “super hero” of all time and he's fighting Bane. Have you even watched the preview yet? I told you to about a million times. Obviously you haven't though, or you wouldn't be questioning me.

Okay, you've gotten me sidetracked. Back to the question at hand: What is this drink? Oh, it's a spritzer that is names “mango fandango.” I guess that makes sense that you brought me it. I mean it's not bringing me any closer to seeing Batman, but it is tasty. I appreciate that there are no added sweeteners, just the glory of fruit. It seems like a lot of companies use apple juice as a base for everything, and I understand that. Pure mango juice would be way more expensive. Luckily the addition of mango and passionfruit juice to the apple juice gives it a great flavor that stands out. It tastes tropical in a completely non-citrus way. I like citrus, it's helped me out many times in my life, but I would choose this type of tropical any day. This is actually very sweet for not having sugar added to it. We should bring a case of it to the after recital party tonight. Those youngsters these days eat/drink way too much garbage and they all seem to be getting overweight. If we turned them on to this instead of regular soda they will thank us in twenty years. Oh man in twenty years I bet there will be at least 3 new Batman franchises. I can't wait.

So this is it, friends. This is my last drink review before I board two planes and a ship on voyage to Grand Cayman and Cozumel. No friends for a week. No Thirsty Thursday with Jay and editor Dan. No Trials Evolution. No work. No baby. No dogs. No email. No phone. No internet. I will be handwriting my emails, which I am partially excited about since it will make me feel like a proper writer. "Why don't you bring your laptop?" you ask? Well the answer is that it is incredibly cumbersome to travel with a 17" laptop and virtually pointless if you don't have internet.

To send myself off with a bang, I decided to drink this drink. Now there are several reasons why I chose this drink.
1. I should have drank it when Jay told me to because it expired two weeks ago. Actually, three weeks ago. April 5th, to be exact. I just assume that things keep longer and I don't really trust expiration dates which has gotten me in to trouble before, but I'm still alive so in the long run, I win.
2. I knew this could either be really good or footy. Blackcurrant has exclusively tasted like feet for everything I've drank since doing this site so why would this be any different? Sure, the rest of the Red Jacket stuff has been exceptional, but the powers of blackcurrant are not to be messed with.

These two reasons together invited me to drink this, and only this drink. Sure, I drank that horchata earlier, but my mom got it for me and I couldn't let it sit there. It's milk!

I drink and I drink until there is virtually no apple juice left. It doesn't smell bad and it doesn't taste bad. It tastes like a strong natural apple juice. It actually doesn't have any essence of "foot" at all which leads me to believe that they either forgot it all together or they put just enough in to be able to say they put it in there making it partially but not really exotic at all. There might be some aftermath of the blackcurrant's bitterness, but still, it just tastes like an orchard-ready apple juice to me. For that reason, it's delicious. Nothing really special, just honest-to-goodness apples, vigorously crushed and strained into a bottle that would end up in my fridge only to be drank almost a month past it's "Enjoy By" date.

I made a mistake in the past by not buying a lot of drinks when I went overseas. I might wager a guess to say that 50% of the reason that I got a passport was to go to Canada with Jay to get drinks and not to go with my girlfriend to Ikea and get lamps or something. The latter was actually holding me back. The strength of my love for Thirsty Dudes lured me to fill out that form for the fifth time and actually follow through with it.

This time tomorrow I will be in Fort Lauderdale at a hotel, or if I'm lucky, at some seedy Florida bodega searching for some new drinks. Wish me luck friends, as you might not hear from me for a week.

Whenever I drink one of these sodas I always think of rap/hip hop. I know that the champagne spells their name differently, but I still always think of it. This also led me to think that there better be a hip hop song that has the line, “Bottles poppin. Booties droppin.” Thanks to a quick Google search I know that the hip-hop community has not let me down. Like they ever would?

You know who else would never let me down? Kristall. Sparkling water, apple juice and sugar make for one great combo, that's a no brainer. Kristall takes things in a slightly different direction by using a different type of apple. I don't know what type of apples are typically used to make apple juice, but there is certainly some standard. Kristall doesn't use that type. I wish I were more of an apple connoisseur so that I could tell you specifically what it is, but my palate is not that refined. I can tell you that it is a dryer apple, and the flavor of the skin is still intact in this drink.

Get yourself a nice “dry” apple and a bottle of sweetened sparkling water. Take a nice huge bite of the apple, chew it for a second and then let your mouth over run with the water. That will give you a homemade version of this beverage and a big wet, sticky mess. Now clean up that mess and yourself, we're in the middle of the grocery store.

Grit. People nowadays aren't conditioned for any sort of "stuff" in their drink. They should be because "stuff" usually mean better. Try it. I'm serious. Go to the store and buy something that's just gnarly looking. If I can make a recommendation, something along the lines of this drink or any of the many Goya nectar drinks. Drink it. It's good, right? It tastes like fruit. Real fruit. Real, gritty, natural, seed filled fruit. If Mother Nature was an actual person and made a drink, it would have grit in it. You know that's true.

Take thing drink for instance, it is just guava and a little bit of sugar. Alright, alright, there are some other things that probably don't need to be there like sorbitol but the preservatives are probably needed to keep this "100% Natural" drink alive. This is a good drink, though. It tastes like tropical fruit just like it should. It's also served in a cool, skinny, tall bottle that's embossed with the company name and has some awesome artwork that's pretty out of this world.

Everywhere Elliott went everyone constantly told him how amazing he was. It was as if he could do no wrong in the eyes of his peers. Things weren't always this way, it all stemmed back to a couple of years ago when he went to Coney Island, before they tore it down, and made a wish on the Zoltar fortune telling machine. Why he was asked to make a wish by a machine that was supposed to tell him is fortune is something that never quite sat right with Elliott, but who was he to argue with the results? Since then everything has been coming up Milhouse…€¦.err I mean Elliott.

Elliott had always loved juice, and when he could afford it he would make his own with fresh produce from the grocer. At a family party he served some of his newest concoction (apple, cherry and strawberry juice) to his sisters husband, who just happened to be a very rich and powerful man. Do you know what he said? He exclaimed, “Elliott like you this juice is amazing! The flavors are so smooth, yet present! The cherry/strawberry combo makes it taste like you mixed the flavoring from a Fruit Roll-Up with good quality apple juice!” He then whipped out his checkbook and wrote Elliott a blank check to start a company to mass-produce the juice, along with other flavors.

It's now been a year since that party and things have been going great. Elliot's juice line has expanded and everyone says it's amazing, so much so that he decided to name the company “Elliott's Amazing.” The only fear that Elliott has is that the FDA is going to tighten up their restrictions and come down on him for saying his juice is “all natural” when it is sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. It's only a small worry though, as he's sure that if he gives them a bottle they will look at him and shout, “Elliott, you're amazing!” and then give him a pass.

Cherry: a fantastic fruit. Sour cherry: less desirable than "standard issue" cherry. This, though, I don't know what's going on in here. It seems like someone didn't add enough water to a concentrate and my dumb mouth is feeling the blunt of this disaster area of a drink. It smells like it's going to be good but man, my nose is lucky it doesn't know what's going on in it's Southern friend, the mouth's, habitat.

It's not too sweet and you can actually taste sour cherry but it's the viscosity of the whole thing that just craps the bed. Gross. Simply gross.

Dear Red Jacket,
I am now under the impression that there is no juice that you cannot master, well at least not one that is apple based. Everything I have tasted that you have produced is beyond great. You take fresh fruit and cold press them into perfection. This drink has no added ingredients, just apples and strawberries. It's the way juice should be and it tastes incredible. Each sip is like I'm picking a strawberry fresh from the patch and shoving it in my mouth, which is already overrun by delicious apples. That is something that I really feel I must do now. Does gluttony count if it's with fruit? Isn't that just healthy? Either way, keep doing what you're doing and I hope that some day you will expand your juices into the realms of other fruit.

Everyone thought that Stephen Lina and his father were charlatans because they sold heath tonics out of a little cart. They were early wave traveling sales men, but unfortunately for them some men had come before them trying to make a quick buck by swindling people out of their money by offering them what were essentials vials of dyed sugar water. The Linas were not con artists like these others. They had similar selling tactics as their peers, but their product actually worked. You see Mr. Lina was a scientist and he had discovered the healing properties of flaxseed. He knew it could be used to help combat ailments that would in the future come be known as cholesterol, diabetes, cancer, constipation, menopause, heart disease and depression.

Mr. Lina could have easily made it public knowledge that flaxseeds could help cure so many ailments, but then his family would stay exactly where they were: in the poor house. He had promised a better wife for his family, so he made up a whole mess of flaxseed tonics, loaded up the family cart and went out to make his fortune with his son. It's just unfortunate that the time that they chose to go sell their wares was the same time that people across the country were getting fed up with scam artists ripping them off and not healing their problems. The Linas were chased out of every town they went to. They never once even sold a bottle of their flaxseed tonic. Broken and beaten the two men returned home with their tales between their legs to live out the rest of their life in poverty.

It wasn't until over a hundred years had passed that Stephen's great grandson David's interest was piqued when his grandmother told him tales of the traveling Linas. He found his great great grandfather's notebooks in an old trunk and used his fancy college science degree to make up a batch of “Vita Lina” as his ancestors had called it. It tasted okay, but it needed a little something. He just happened to have some iced tea and a can of guava juice on hand, for some unknown reason, so he added it to the mixture. That was exactly what was needed. What his grandfather had once called a tonic was now a tasty beverage that was most definitely marketable. The guava and iced tea masked most of the flavor of the flaxseed, but it was still slightly there. Nothing about the flavor was offensive at all. In fact if one were unaware of the flaxseed content, they would never be the wiser. The consistency was a bit off though. It was a little thick, our young scientist's girlfriend most than once announced that it felt like she was drinking body wash when she would take a sip. David didn't think it was that thick, but he gave it to her that it was thicker than most drinks in a strange way. David eventually teamed up with Simply Originals, to distribute his beverages, and finally his family started to see some money from their ancestor's ideas. It was a good day.

My ladyfriend recently watched a documentary about a man who went on a strict juice diet for some insane amount of time. He lost an insane amount of weight and improved his health immensely. I keep toying with the idea of trying it myself and see how far I can take it. I'm not exactly overweight or anything, it's just that winter is ending which means that I have been incredibly lazy and inactive for the past five months and I don't like the way it makes me feel. I have already started to get active again. I've broken out my bike and gone for a few rides, but a little help never hurts. Also, I like challenging myself.

So there I sat with the idea of this juice diet swimming around in my head and I saw this bottle of Fave juice sitting in my fridge. In the documentary the guy only drinks fresh juice, but I know I can't afford that so I figure anything that is 100% juice with no added sweeteners would work for me. I thought to myself “I'm going to start this right this very morning.” I grabbed the juice, poured myself a decent size glass, and began my journey. As soon as I took my first step of my journey the problems arose. This doesn't taste quite right. Let me rephrase that, this tastes like it should, but not the way I want it to. I wanted it to be a nice citrus juice that masked the flavor of the vegetables contained, but retained their nutrition. Instead what I got was a vegetable juice that had a citrus flavor to it. There are two distinct juices in this bottle and they are battling it out for the top flavor. Unfortunately for me the vegetable juice is winning out. I have no problem with vegetables. I love them. I eat them daily. My problem is that the fruit juice has sweetened the vegetable flavor and it just tastes strange. I'm sure there are loads of people out there that would love this juice, so I'm going to give it a three-bottle review. There is nothing intrinsically gross about it; it's just not really my thing. I've already begun rethinking this juice diet, and I'm pretty sure that by the time 4pm rolls around I will have eaten some bagels and hummus. I am a weak man.

Marco and his family had money. Not only did they have money, but they were filthy, stinking rich. Where as normal families save all year to go on a weeklong vacation his family went to exotic locations every weekend. You would think that all of that travel time would be rough on a child of ten, but you'd be surprised at how much faster a Lear jet can get you places. Marco's favorite weekend trips were the ones they took to tropical locations. He liked the beaches and all the crazy birds, but his favorite part was all of the crazy exotic sounds drinks his parents would have, but never let him try. As he laid his head down on his pillow each night his mind was filled with visions of margaritas, mojitos, mai tais, and daiquiris. The names and colors were so intriguing, but since they were “adult drinks” not a drop ever passed his lips. For years he begged, but his parents were relentless.

One unlikely day whilst on a trip to NYC where he had tagged along with his dad, his life changed forever. His dad had stopped at a corner store for a pack of cigarettes, and told Marco to grab himself a drink. Being disgustingly rich, Marco was not used to shopping for himself. There were people who did that sort of thing for him. He was shocked at the selection of drinks set before him. Instantly a pink bottle caught his eye. He instantly knew he needed this drink in his mouth as soon as possible. This was all before he even saw what flavor the drink was. When he pulled it from the shelf he saw that it was a strawberry daiquiri. His brain was suddenly filled with the Gabrielle song “Dreams” (you know the one “Dreams can come true, look at me baby I'm with you.”). It took until the second verse until he realized that the song was actually just on the radio in the shop. As he held it in his hands his dad gave him an understanding smile and gave the shop keep some money.

He wasn't even out the door before he had opened the bottle and let the sweet, sweet liquid pour over his tongue. To tell you the truth, it wasn't as magical as he had expected. Maybe it was because he was in a dirty metropolitan and not in a tropical paradise, but the drink seemed off. It certainly tasted like strawberries, but more like a combination of real strawberries and strawberry flavored candy. It was also way milkier/thicker than he had expected it to be. This wasn't what he expected to be drinking when he turned 21 in Cabo. Okay this is stupid. This drink is okay, but it's nothing special.

If there was one thing that Izze was great at when she was young it was remedial art. Actually it was just the mixing of primary colors that she excelled at. She absolutely loved the concept that mixing two separate colors could result in a completely different color. If she mixed blue in with red, she got purple, blue and yellow got her green, and red and yellow brought her orange. It was simple, it was science and it was wonderful. She would spend her days mixing different proportions to see what shades she would achieve. She never tried mixing more than two colors though. That would just cause unimaginable chaos.

When Izze got older she found herself a part of the soda game. She was sick of the everyday sodas that that no redeeming values other than taste. She watched the world around her grow fat from ingesting far too much of it. She decided to take a stand and offer the world a soda that was mostly fruit juice. She added no sweeteners and let the fruit do its job. Things were going well, but then the bills for the fruit started to add up. She wanted to make some out of the ordinary flavors, but purchasing the fruit to make those juices was expensive. That is when the light bulb of genius lit above Izze's head. She would use her old knowledge of color mixture to simulate the flavors that were too expensive. She would start with the blueberry. After doing a little math in her head, she deduced that the blueberry flavor was simply nothing more than grape and apple juice mixed together. She whipped up a batch and threw in a little bit of actual blueberry juice in the mix, so that she wouldn't feel like so much of a liar to her customers. When she took a sip she instantly realized two things: Apple, grape and blueberry juice mixed together is pretty delicious and also that she was a complete moron for thinking that color theory had anything to do with the flavors of fruit juice. Apple and grape juice mixed together, while tasty, tastes nothing like blueberries. It tasted more like a light grape juice than anything. There was a hint of some sort of berry flavor hidden in it, but you really had to look for it. What Izze should have done at that moment was change the name of the flavor, because it was tasty and she was on to something, but it just wasn't blueberry. Unfortunately she had already ordered all of the bottles for the soda, and there was no way she was going to waste money on new ones. Screw her customers.

If I were stuck in a forest, I would forage for berries. I was never a Boy Scout, although I enjoy their fundraising chocolate, caramel popcorn. I don't know what's poisonous and what is not. I would probably be dead in four days if I was stuck out in a forest. I like to think about it, though. I would eventually have to kill something to make a sweet but necessary jacket/sleeping blanket to keep warm. I wouldn't want to do it, and I have never killed anything before and don't ever want to but it's a necessary and I'm cold.

I think that I would know what raspberries look like enough that I could sustain off those. I haven't seen enough episodes of Man versus Wild enough to really learn the intricacies of "bug eating," so once I get to that protein-deprived state I'm probably eat any bug. Wrong, but I'll eat it.

I would eventually get very grizzled and start hallucinating. I'm grizzled now, but I would get worse. I think when you are in the forest, you grow beards faster and due to the immense amount of thorns and stuff, you rip your clothes very quickly. If I would somehow find a bottle of carbonated water, I could make this drink. I would find a nice, round stone, another round stone, and squish the berries on a leaf or something and pour the juice into the carbonated water. It would be a little bitter because it's natural but everything is natural in the forest, you dunce. That's all it would take to refresh myself. Seriously, though, the odds of me finding an unscathed bottle of anything, let alone carbonated water or something useful, is pretty slim. My luck I would find something like crab juice in a can and with that it would almost be essential to put raspberry juice in it to mask the, you know, crabbiness of it.

Dear Trader Joe,
You don't know me but I've been a shopper at your grocery store for a few years now. I will admit I am not loyal to your establishment, but I do shop there as much as I am able to. I especially enjoy your veggie chips and hummus. It's easily my favorite hummus ever.

I haven't had the best of luck with your beverages in the past. Your so-called "vintage" sodas were quite bad if I may say so. I must say that I was a little skeptical of this limeade when I picked it up. I hate to judge a drink by it's bottle, but this screamed, "watered down artificial flavors" when I saw it. I was pleasantly surprised to find only 4 ingredients in the bottle: water, sugar, limejuice, and lemon juice.

I don't know whom you traded to get this, but you made a good trade. This is easily one of the best limeades I have ever tasted. It's very quenching, but also has a great tartness to it. I wish it was sourer, but that's only because I am still searching for that drink that is so sour that it hurts.

Good job Joe! You're good at trading.

Sincerely,
Derek

There has been an apocalypse. You and your family are deciding what to do. Sure, solar blankets, Twinkies, Spam, et cetera. Those are given. Now it comes to hydration. Now everyone, and by everyone I mean everyone except you, is going to get water. Why water? It's the best thing for you. Yes. It's true. Here's the thing, though. Have you ever stood in line to buy something that everyone else has wanted at the same time? Think Black Friday times fifty thousand times. Everyone needs and wants one thing, everyone but you. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to go for the perishables. Everyone thinks that they need water because it doesn't expire, but have they ever thought about flavor? Yeah, who cares if it's only going to last like three days unrefrigerated. You are going to be able to sell that juice for a mint because all the watered-down people are going to crave flavor and flavor you've got.

You've got apple juice, dude. Apple juice: the purest of juices, the simplest of juices. This isn't just any apple juice, though. It's fuji apple. Red delicious is what the poor pour. Sure, it tastes like regular apple juice but a little different, more tart, and it even has regular apple juice in it. You can't have all fuji apples or else you'd be paying $10 for a small bottle of juice. This is better than basic apple juice. I'll say it. It's better. You may be able to get $10 for this juice once people are sick of water. You might want to trade some of them since it's not a terrible idea to have some water on hand.

I don't know what caused the apocalypse. It might have been that small issue where the power authority thought that they could control the market so they blew up the sun. That might be it. That or that one time you peed in the lake that one summer in 1998 because you really needed to go and the bathroom at camp had that spider that might or might not been alive but was scary right next to the toilet. One of those two things led to the apocalypse.

I wasn't expecting to drink this today, but then I noticed that it was going to expire this week, so it moved to the top of the priority list. There are two ingredients in this bottle: apples and grape juice. I love that it says apples instead of apple juice, because it just makes you think of exactly how fresh this juice is. I can only assume they juice their grapes and then instantly press some apples into said grape juice. The results are beyond delicious.

Grape juice has the tendency to overpower other juices they are mixed with, but Red Jacket knows what they are doing and both juices exist in perfect harmony; neither overpowers the other to any extent. The most important thing to this juice is that there is no sweetener added to it. It's juice and nothing more, the way things should be. It makes me never want to purchase another “shelf juice.” If it's not in a cooler, with a short shelf life it's pretty safe to say it is inferior to this beverage.

First off I would like to thank you on behalf of our resort for choosing us as your vacation destination. We know that Mexico has gotten a lot of bad press lately for being dangerous, but we just wanted to let you know that our resort, and it's approved activities, are as safe as can be. We understand that for many of you this is your first time visiting our fair country. We are sure that you will have nothing but the best of times on your trip. We would like to start you off properly by serving you some nice aguas frescas. For those of you who are unaware what I am talking about, aquas fresas are fruit flavored coolers. To make things extra special we have some special Jamaica coolers today. Jamaica is another name for hibiscus and you are in for a treat. Don't worry Ms. Vanderhosen it's not going to taste like your perfume. While it is a flower, when you add sugar to it, it brings out the sweetness and the floral taste is left wayside. Now each of you take a bottle. Why the look Ms. Vanderhosen? No it is not fresh, I am sorry that you thought it would be. Believe me I would love to serve you fresh agua frescas morning, noon and night, but the Nestle company is one of our main stock holders, so they make us serve their products. It is 100% natural though, so there is no need to worry, drink up. Now Ms. Vanderhosen there was no need for you to spit your drink all over poor Mr. Saunders. I'm sorry you don't like the taste, but the flavor did not warrant a spit take. I'm sorry that you think it tastes oddly sour and dark, yet overly sweet at the same time. I admit I don't particularly like it myself. I agree that I would prefer it to be lighter and more flowery myself, but beggars can't be choosers. Ms. Vanderhosen please wait. It's not safe outside of our compound walls for you, there is a drug war raging out there. Oh, you would rather take your chances with the cartel and drink a fresh agua fresca than stay in the safety of this resort and choke down bottle after bottle of this sludge? Well, I wish you good luck then.

I would like to congratulate Johnson on his promotion. To thank him for his twenty-five years of great service, I am hereby awarding him with this four pack of Welch's Fruit Fizz. I'm sorry, Sally. What did you say? What do you mean "A jip?" Have you ever had this, Sally? Look, most guys celebrate with a bottle of champagne, but here at Cornucopia Inc., we don't drink on the job. This is like four little cans of non-alcoholic champagne that he can enjoy for almost a full workweek. That means that for almost every lunch he eats at the Cornucopia Lounge, our cafeteria, he can taste a rather delicious non-alcoholic champagne and celebrate his quarter century dedication to putting things in a wicker basket, thing. Do you know how many oranges he had to put in that wicker horn to get to where he is today? Do you know how much non-racist Indian corn he had to put in that thing to make it as far as he did? No, Sally. You don't. Now, he can go on his merry way and drink a low-calorie, celebratory drink twice a day for two days.

Oh, it was that I only got him that which you are upset about? Sally, I'm no savage. I got him a $25 gift card to Applebee's, too. One dollar for every year, like I always do for all my employees. Play your cards right and you'll be getting your $3 gift card this July.