Juice - 935 Reviews

I got made fun of for buying this drink. I gave the excuse that "I had to review it", but my friends didn't care. They argued that there were plenty of other drinks in the gas station that I hadn't reviewed yet. The real reason why I picked this up is because I was hoping it actually was "wicked sour". I love sour things and have been searching for a good sour drink. Seeing as this is marketed toward kids, I thought it might actually be sour.

Once again I was let down. Squirt is sourer than this "juice". I use juice in quotes because there is no juice in this at all. It's just sugar water. I love sweet things, but I could only get a couple sips of this in before I had to dump the rest. If I had a kid, I would never give them one of these.

With Xmas rapidly approaching little Bobby grew more nervous by the second. While other kids his age were ecstatic about all the presents that were about to be gifted upon them, Bobby suffered from a deep-set fear of his family dinner on the 25th of December. It wasn't that his family was crazy (they were), or that they were prone to squabble over the most trivial of things (they would). His nausea stemmed from the fact that he knew that he would not be able to leave the table until he finished all of his cranberry sauce: the quivering gelatinous mound of bitterly sweet garbage that passed as food only on holidays. Last year he sat at the table until 2:30 on the morning before he was able to get it all down. Ugh. In order to better acclimate himself with the taste of this garbage he had begun drinking a class of cranberry juice every day. Each 24-hour period would result in him sneaking a tiny glass from his mom's stash and forcing it down his throat. After a couple of days he was actually okay with it. It had a weird taste but once he got used to it, he even liked it a little. One would think that he would be ready for the big day, but he knew in his heart of hearts that a glass of Ocean Spray was in reality no comparison to the maroon mound that would be set before him.

His aunt was visiting a couple of days before the holiday to help his mom set everything up. She was the cool aunt. You know the kind that doesn't have any kids of her own. They listen to cool music, maybe have a piercing or two. That was aunt Jeanie. She could sense something was up with Bobby, so she cornered him and asked what was up. He told her his fear, and she said not to worry and that they were going for a little adventure. They jumped in her crappy car covered in stickers of bands that no one who wasn't a teenager during the 90's even remembered and drove to Whole Foods. She didn't say a word, and only bought a single bottle of soda. She poured it into an old Taco Bell cup and handed it to Bobby and told him to drink up. He loved it! It was amazing! It was sweet, fruity and nicely carbonated. After his praise slowed down, Aunt Jeanie showed him the bottle. It was Kristall Cranberry soda. She then told him to take another sip and think of the cranberry sauce they were going to be eating in a few days time. Didn't it taste exactly the same, except with some bubbles? As much as he wanted to deny this claim Bobby looked up to his aunt too much to lie to her. She had him this did taste like cranberry sauce, but how was this good and the sauce like a "festering bowl of dog snot?" She told him to just close his eyes and think of this pop when he was eating his dinner. That's just what he did, and you know what? It was still completely disgusting. Bobby realized the problem with cranberry sauce wasn't the flavor. It was that godforsaken texture. He managed to scarf it down by 10PM that night, but he really couldn't wait until he was old enough to prepare his own plate of food on Xmas so he could skip it altogether.

Ronald Washington Knudsen was a soda fiend, or so the tale goes. The boy drank soda until his teeth began to rot. They literally fell right out of his head. Just turned black, full of holes and plop there they are sitting delicately on his tongue (just typing that makes me want to throw up). With all of his natural teeth rotted away the dentist/barber of the times gave him some dentures. They were made of wood though and if Ronald drank anything too sugary they would simply begin to dissolve. As a result he started carbonating some straight up fruit juice so that he could still drink bubbly beverages. He had some up and some downs with his experiments. One thing that cannot be disputed is that he struck gold with his sparkling apple cider. He took a wholesome down home Western New York style cider and simply added carbonation. It was a little strong and he feared for his wooden teeth so he added just a touch of water to even it out. The result was perfection in liquid form. Folks around his area were known to drink whole bottles at a time, even though he claimed each bottle was three servings. There were happy taste buds, happy stomachs, happy drinkers and most importantly happy teeth. It was a Christmas miracle.

Grandma, thanks a lot for inviting me and Bobby over for dinner. It was very nice of you. I know your eyesight isn't that great anymore so if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. Yeah, I can carry this turkey in the other room. What else? Scalloped potatoes? You've got it. Bobby, can you get the carrots and the peas?

Yeah, dude. I love corn, too. I don't know why she didn't make any. She wasted the time to make lima beans and that time would have been better spent making corn. I might just do it. Man, I love corn. I saw this weird thing on her counter. Did you see it? Do you know what I'm talking about? It was in a bit pitcher. It was purple and had little seeds in it. I don't know what she did there. I hope that her eyes didn't deceive her when she was making something and she mixed a whole bunch of stuff together like we used to and then dared each other to drink it.

What was that grandma? Yeah, I'll have something to drink. Whatever is fine. So Bobby, what do you want to do after this? Do you want to play that new Sonic game? It looks awesome. Oh no. Dude. She's...oh no. Thanks grandma. Dude, she brought us two heaping glasses of that stuff. What is this, Bobby? Hey, grandma? What is this? It smells good but it looks kind of weird. Oh, just drink it and we'll like it? Well, can't say you aren't anything less than a wonderful salesman...er...saleswoman. Sales lady? Dude, we've got to drink this. It's grandma. I'll go first because I'm older.

Oh that's strange. It's actually good, Bob. It's like raspberry Jell-O. Why anyone would want to drink that I don't have any idea, but it's there and she made it and we've got to drink it. What are those seeds? You can't taste them, but they're there. Grandma? What are the seeds in this drink? Chia Seeds? Like the same things that are used in Chia Pets? Why would you put it in a drink? Oh, for your B.M.'s. Fantastic, that should make the rest of this dinner, which I have a giant, untouched plate of, taste delicious.

Well Bobby...prepare for a strange dinner, great tasting but oddly textured drinks, and award winning poops later, brother. I call the bathroom first.

Please, please, give me something to drink.

Excuse me?

I've been stuck in a desert for four days and need something. I'm dying over here. Give me something, anything.

Dude, I would love to but I just finished my water and all I have left is this half eaten can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti.

I'll take it, please. As I previously mentioned, I'm dying over here.

Alright, alright. Jeez. Here. I was going to eat it but you clearly are hungrier than me. You're also way more inconsiderate than me to approach me on my front porch asking for my unfinished lunch on this, the day of my daughters wedding.

Was that a line from the Godfather? Are you quoting Hollywood as I'm sitting here?

"Dying," I know, I know. Here, take it. I've got another can in the house. You can sit down if you'd like.

Thanks. I'll just drink this. Hey, this isn't that refreshing. I mean, I drank the whole thing, but it's not terribly quenching. Do you have anything else while you're in there?

Yeah. I've got a juice box from Sandora. Do you want that?

Sure, thanks. Oh, it even comes with a little straw. This is like elementary school. Oh, dude. What are you doing to me?! This tastes exactly like five minutes ago when I drank your spaghetti. Do you only keep things in the house that taste like spaghetti or tomatoes?

No, you just caught me when I was eating spaghetti and wanted to get rid of this foreign drink. You came to my house and then you took half my lunch. I don't owe you anything, dude.

I guess you're right friend. Well, in retrospect, I wish I had asked you for a glass of water. Drinking both of those things was stupid. I don't feel like I'm going to die and for that I thank you, but I wish that I had just asked for water. I feel like I couldn't have made a worse choice. Thanks, brother. I'll never forget you for saving my life.

You're welcome. If you'd like to come in and split this can of spaghetti with me, you can.

Stop eating spaghetti out of a can.

Tostitos with lime came out without alert and they also sneak into multi-purpose punch bowls at parties. I know that some people put their hand in that bowl, grab a chip, and hope to God that they aren't the "hint of lime" ones but you know what? Lime is Mexican. Salsa is Mexican. Guacamole might be and probably is Mexican. Tortilla chips are Mexican. Yeah, it seems like they have everything that matters in this life, but we, America, have Ocean Spray. America and Mexico are like brothers; America has the top bunk and Mexico has the bottom bunk. Together, these brothers high-fived and Ocean Spray with lime was born. It's strong cranberry and strong lime. You want it to be less lime, but you didn't make it, Ocean Spray did and they tell you what time it is.

It's tough to drink more than a glass, but that one glass is good. It's different than most things you've drunk and it's so simple.

As your father and coach, I am telling you that you have to keep hydrated, son. It's no laughing matter when you pass out and miss a pop fly because you didn't drink enough liquids. It's so simple to drink water, but now that it's come this far, you have to drink something else. A re-hydrator. You kids like fruit punch, right? Well here is a fruit punch that's made for brat kids like you who don't know enough to drink when you're supposed to.

Thanks dad, I mean coach, I mean daddy, I mean...why is this clear? Fruit punch is supposed to be red. You don't know? I know you didn't make it, daddy, but it just seems strange. Alright, fine. I'll drink it. It's pretty goo....ugh! What is this? It's not fruit punch! Don't lie to me. Did you do something to this? Are you trying to poison me? Did you marinade band-aids in here or something? It's kind of thick and although has a fruit punch taste, it isn't really sweet and has a bit of a thickness to it. It's not like water. It's almost syrupy. Daddy, why are you doing this to me?

Son, don't be a little girl. Just drink this and the other eleven that came in the case. I don't want my son, the son of the coach of this little league team, to pass out. Dehydration will humiliate me more that it could you. Drink up and meet me in the locker room. Stop crying!

Let's take a moment and get serious here. What could be so important that I would interrupt the normal flow of Thirsty Dudes? The answer is that absolute incredible force of nature that the movie Purple Rain is. Prince is a great musician. He's one of the greatest guitarists of our time, and unlike most people with that skill, he knows how to show off on the guitar as well as write some of the best pop songs that have ever graced the ears of humans. Sure he may be completely insane, but I can forgive him that for the album upon album of hits he has supplied us.

The folks at Sambazon understand this. They love purple rain. They even have gone so far as to pull the Lake Minnetonka prank a couple of times. Classic. The thing is that they not only love prince, they also have a soft spot for his adversaries in the film; The Time. Did you know that Prince wrote all of the time songs? True fact. His personal career was moving in a different direction, but he still wanted to write fun party songs, so he got The Time to play and record them. Among those songs was their hit "Jungle Love". To honor The Time, and Prince by proxy, they created an energy drink to keep you up all night in the clubs on Minneapolis, like the historic First Ave that is featured in the film (I played in the small room once and I kind of freaked out that Prince owned the building). The most important thing about Morris Day and The Time is that they have passion for not only their music, but also their sweet dance moves and awesome suits. Sambazon took that into consideration and created an energy drink that has both their classic acai and passionfruit juice in it. I like it more than their original variety. It has a fruitier taste, and it's all harsh acai juice. Also, how can I not support something as awesome as The Time?

Come on baby. Let's just get down tonight. I know we come from different sides of the tracks, you being fruit punch and me being a vegetable juice. It's about time that we knock boots, right? We've been together for three weeks and I've been good not to ask you for it. You know, it. Let's just pour our juices together. This is an old car, we can go in the back, put down a tarp, and get our juices all over the place. Mix 'em up. You know you want to, girl. Yeah girl. Unscrew that cap. Yeah, just throw it in the front seat. Come on, girl. I drink my vegetable juice all the time. It's about time that I drank some fruit juice. Daddy needs his vitamin C. I've had my cap off for ten minutes now. I was born ready. Just splash some stuff over there. Yeah, that's the stuff.

Hey, would you mind doing something for me? Would your pour some of your delicious fruit juice in my head? I just want to try it out. I want to taste what our juices together taste like. Yeah, just pour it right on in there. Don't worry about getting some on me. I love it. Now let me take a sip here. Ugh, are you feeling alright? Ugh, this is gross. What am I going to do now? It's all mixed in and I'm going to have to drink fifty-five gallons of it. This was a terrible idea. Maybe they were right. Maybe this is why you're not supposed to mix your side of the tracks with my side. Vegetable juice and fruit juice just don't mix. Oh, sure, girl, it's fun to make, but to drink...it's like fruit but then carrot flavored fruit, then just strange cabbage or spinach. I'm sorry, Daphne, you've got to go. I've got to clean this up and I might throw up and you don't want to see that. I'm sorry, baby. It's not you. It's me.

Fizz Ed, the oddly punctuated and spaced, past tense of the verb "fizz" or "to fizz" is the title of this drink. "Dude, I was so fizzed last night after I drank all that pop." for example.

I have known many people to have gotten "fizzed" at parties. I'm pretty sure Derek drank like eighty ounces of pop one night. That, to me, makes we want to research a respectful and affordable dentist, and get my teeth checked out as I haven't had a dentist for about five years, and before that, it was my pediatric dentist. I'm pathetic, I know, but hey, he's got all my records and knows my teeth. I am quite sure that he would jump out the window of his dental practice, which wouldn't do much as it's on the ground floor, if he found out that I did this website and drank so much junk all of the days.

This would be a great drink if you were sick because it's fruity and doesn't taste too different from cough syrup. It's doesn't have a bad taste, but it does have a bit of a syrupy, thick texture to it. Drinks shouldn't have a texture unless it's blatant, like a chia seed drink, or an aloe, or anything with Nata De Coco, or something along those lines.

I wonder what my dentist is up to and if I am still the oldest person that goes there. I know it's wrong that a twenty nine year old man-boy is going to a child's dentist. Sure, I don't care as much about the balloon animals and don't care at all about the stickers and my mouth has grown beyond the kid's toothbrushes, too. I know it's got to be better than adult dentists, though. At least I can learn about cool things like pistachio trees in Highlights magazine in my dentist and I don't have to read magazines like "Time" or "People".

One reason you don't mess around with a Thirsty Dude is because we're overly sarcastic, very quick witted, and could destroy most anyone in a battle of wits. Another reason is because we stock all sorts of drinks that you don't know exist so when you ask, jokingly, for something "chunky and slimy", there is a good chance we can product such a drink with ease and you will be stuck drinking your own words.

One of my bosses requested the previously mentioned variety of drink and I was lucky enough to have on in the fridge at that moment, so from unsuspecting, funny suggestion to sorry and chunks took all of five minutes.

This is a stretch for me to say. I will say it, because I mean it, though, so here goes. This is the best lychee drink and the best nata de coco drink I've ever had. It's got a great lychee flavor and is very strong scented. Very perfumey, like an old woman that you don't mind sitting next to on the bus. The coco chunks have a great, fun, consistency that isn't too hard, and isn't too soft. It's not like an aloe as it has way more bite to it. I could only describe it as a very, very soft eraser. I liked it and would drink it again. Thank you Malaysia, the gayest country in Asia.

I've never had guanabana before. I was expecting it to be very bitter, very bland, or like guava (solely because they start with the same first two letters). Reality has it that it tastes like none of the above. I think it tastes like a smooth fake strawberry with a little bit of passionfruit in the mix. My ladyfriend thinks it tastes like melon. She is wrong. Dead wrong. Maybe I'm, just being a jerk. It's pretty thick, but it is a nectar and does have corn syrup in it.

Guanabana is also known as soursop, I just discovered. I searched our page and Mike also thought that it tasted kind of like passionfruit. Looks like great (and stupid) minds think alike. Since I thought this was going to be something on the grosser side of the taste spectrum, it was a nice pleasant surprise.

I've lived about an hour from the Pennsylvanian border for all my life. I can't even count the number of times I've down to the lady of the south (that's right, I just came up with a nickname for PA). In all the years that I've made that drive it wasn't until last fall that I realized that the thruway from about Fredonia, NY onward is basically all grape orchards. Is that what they are called? Do orchards imply trees, or can vines count? Either way it was a warm autumn afternoon and I was driving home from places south and the scent hit me like crazy. The strongest grape fragrance I have ever experienced was in the air for a good portion of the drive. It was so strong that I have no idea how I never noticed it before. I wish that stretch of road always smelled like that, because let's face it the I-90 is the most boring highway in the country and anything to spice it up is a blessing.

Upon opening this bottle I was greeted with a similar smell. I had expected this to be a standard grape pop, maybe with a little bit of fruit punch mixed in. In reality it's taste falls somewhere between actual red grape juice and the candy pop we're used to. It's not quite grape juice, but it's definitely closer than any other pop I've ever tasted that wasn't considered a sparkling grape juice that us non-drinkers down at celebrations. I can only hope that some if not all of that "natural flavor" listed on the ingredients is actually grapes harvested from that small stretch of the I-90.

Oh and the strange thing is I just noticed that the bottle says that it's non-carbonated, but I swear it fizzed when I opened it, and I really didn't even give it a thought of not being carbonated until I finished it and noticed that written on the label. Are they liars, or have I finally cracked?

First off, what is going on with this bottle? It looks like it was left too close to an open flame and it melted. I know there are a lot of cool ergonomical bottles out there, but this really just makes no sense. It's not comfortable to hold and I really just feel like it's going to slip out of my hands every time I pick it up. Whoever drew up the plans for this is more than likely scouring the paper looking for a new job.

Secondly, this is a very appropriate name. It's very peachy (and a bit on the melon side as well) and it really tastes like I should be drinking this at a beach. The oppressive sun is beating down and I'd doing the best to find some shade so that my skin won't combust. I'm failing, as per usual, but at least I have this nice ice-cold juice to cool me down. Sure it tastes like fake peaches and melon, but hey who wants real juice at the beach. When you're knee deep in sand you want a party drink, and that is what Mistic provides. It's just too bad that in the time it took me to write that last sentence it went from ice cold to body temperature.

Bad bottle. Appropriate name. Average taste.

Does the rest of the country/world outside of the northeastern United States have any idea what real apple cider is like? I just realized that I'm pretty sure it's a regional drink. I mean if you don't live near apple orchards then you're not going to have proper cider. I feel bad for everyone else now, because cider is one of the big reasons to go on living. I have no qualms with apple juice, but it really will never step out of the shadow of cider. I don't know what causes the change in greatness, and I don't want to know because I'd like to believe it's magic.

Grower's Best did do...well their best to create a cider that would have a longer life span. You see real cider only lasts maybe two weeks before it starts to "turn." Then it becomes alcoholic, and then even grosser; vinegar. The taste of this falls somewhere between a traditional cider and plain apple juice. It's be best pasteurized cider I've ever had but it still doesn't compare to the beverage I know and love. Nice try Grower's Best, but I just don't think what you're trying to do it possible.

I've had pink guava juice in the past, and now I am presented with one that is off white. Which is the true color? Is there artificial color added to the pink? Are there two different types of guava one white, one pink? Guess what, I don't care. It's all delicious. Guava is very close to the top on my list of favorite fruits, and I've never met a juice of it that I did not like.

This is really nice because it's not just guava juice, but guava pulp. It's thick and has the teeniest, tiniest little chunks of fruit in it. The only thing that I could think of that might make this better would be if there wasn't any added extra sugar in it. Maybe that's just me being a fan of pure fruit juice though.

Johnny was a masochist. He would go to S&M clubs many nights and would enjoy being hit by whips. It might not make sense to you, but you're not Johnny. He would come home battered and bruised three to four days a week. He would always wear collared, long sleeved shirts so no one was the wiser. He worked as an accountant in the big city and didn't want others to know what he did in his personal time.

On his way home from Whipped Into Shape, one of his frequent clubs, he was a bit parched and headed into a small corner store to get something to drink. He was going through a bit of a passionfruit kick so when he saw Kahe's passionfruit drink, he had to get it.

He went home, checked out his new gnarly bruises and welts, and then cracked open his new drink and had at it. It was like a free admittance to another S&M club because this drink was bad, but he kept going back for more. It was tart, didn't taste like passion fruit, and was poorly, artificially sweetened. Every time he took another sip, he would make a strange face of disgust, but for reasons beyond his knowledge, he kept drinking it.

Although he prefers the clubs, he now knows that anytime he can't make it, he can pick up a bottle of that sparkling fruit juice and have twelve ounces of sadomasochism.

Let me tell you the tale of Chia Steve. His cousin Joe is the founder of the Chia Pet empire. The fortune that he amassed during the late 70's an the 80's was enormous. We're talking Scrooge McDuck money here, like swimming pools full of money-money. You're probably thinking "Well good for him. He had a great idea and he ran with it and it paid off." Chia Steve would break your thumbs if he heard you say that. Steve was, and I guess still is, a botanist. Early in his career he came across the salvia hispanica (chia plant for you non-scientists out there). He became obsessed with how easily the seeds germinated and it was his life goal to discover all of this plants secrets. He spent so much time with the chia plants that the seeds would often get lodged in his unruly beard. It was at Thanksgiving 1976 when Steve went to his family dinner. He had been up all night with his plants and had yet to sleep. He didn't have much time so he just jumped in the shower to rinse off. Steve didn't realize that there were a whole mess of seeds in his beard and by the time dinner rolled around they had begun to sprout on his face. The entire family, including Steve, had a good laugh about it. He gave everyone a quick lesson on the plant and then ate his weight in mashed potatoes and stuffing. Steve had no idea that Joe was even paying attention until six months later when Chia Pets hit the market. Joe wouldn't even return Steve's calls and the infamous "Chia Court" battles ensued. It really broke poor Steve's mind grapes and he became a bit of a shut in.

A few year ago his sister finally got him to open his door to her. She came over weekly to drop off food, and clean up the place a bit. Once she got grossed out because she thought thousands of tiny spores had sprouted in one of Steve's juice glasses. It took quite a while for him to convince her that they weren't spores and were in fact chia seeds. He had been adding them to his morning juice for years for their health benefits. That was the moment that turned Steve's life around. His sister convinced him to market this juice. He was reluctant at first until she convinced him they would give cousin Joe a run for his money. Thus Mamma Chia was born.

Their flagship flavor was the cherry lime. It's weird because in a world obsessed with mojitos whenever you taste lime you expect the cool crispness of mint to follow. That is not the case with this beverage. Instead you are met with the tartness of cherry juice. It's not a combination of juices that I could drink a lot of, but the seeds really work with it. They are coated with some sort of gelatinous casing that makes them go down smooth. It's almost frothy feeling. The taste of the lime and the cherry mixed in with the entertainment of the coated seeds make this a tasty and interesting beverage. Here's to hoping that Chia Steve will soon be diving into Olympic swimming pools full of gold doubloons.

ps. Everything stated above with the exception of how awesome the drink tastes is a complete fallacy. Sincerely, Known Liar Jason.

Everything about this drink makes me want to listen to a Flock Of Seagulls record. The color, the fonts, the taste, everything. I just want to listen to the 1982 self-titled record, watch one episode of Miami Vice, and watch "Summer School" with Mark Harmon and Kirstie Alley. I want to channel Chainsaw and get a pair of Cool Dude sunglasses, sit on the beach, and drink this.

It tastes like a tropical blue Freez-e-pop. There isn't that much to say. I don't really get blueberry or raspberry. It's hardly juice and it's mostly sugar, water, and flavoring. I'm not letting them get away with calling it "juice". I will let them get away with having a gnarly bottle that's almost hard to hold on to due to cuts, grooves, and angles. Who cares, though? If you drop it, that's on you, Jack. This is not bad. Get a bottle and share it with friends because no one should take in this much sugar in one sitting. Then, go watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre and watch syndicated episodes of Becker to see what happened to the pregnant girl from Summer School.

My grandparents had a small apple orchard in their back yard. I loved apples. When I was a kid they were my absolute favorite. As a result whenever I was visiting them and apples were ripe I would gather up as many as I could and devour apple and apple until I got sick. I was a dumb kid. I liked the game of seeing how many I could eat. The best part about their orchard was that they were all green and yellow apples. As much as I love apples I would pick one of those over any red apple any day. I tip my hat to Juicy Juice for going the uncommon route and using green apples in their sparkling juice. This could have turned out just like any other sparkling apple juice, but they mixed things up a bit and I thank them for that.

There is something strange about carbonating green apples. They almost get a sour apple candy taste to them. At first sip I was disappointed because I thought it was sour apple candy flavored. Then I remembered it was juicy juice and they don't add sugar. After a couple of more sips I was completely on board. It is slightly sour, but then again so are green apples. The aftertaste specifically really tastes like you just at an apple. So far, this is my favorite in this line.