Juice - 935 Reviews

Dear Shloer, just look at what you've done! You should be ashamed of yourself! You created a quality product with your sparkling red grape juice and now you've gone and sullied your family name with this abomination. For shame! I can't believe you would let it leave your facilities with the way it smells, which is to say like a hobo's breath. It doesn't taste much better either. I was told it tastes like cheap bad wine. I wouldn't know, but I do know that I would now never in a million years ever try cheap bad wine, because this is just bad. It certainly tastes fermented and gross. Out of the 10 people I had try it 3 said it was decent, not good, but decent and everyone else was completely grossed out. I wonder if it did start to ferment somehow and it now turning to alcohol. I took two sips and I really can't drink anymore. It's a shame it was such a big bottle.

It's a little known fact that after the robot wars died down Shockwave, the second in command of the Deceptacons, started dabbling in the energy drink game. He got so into it that he altered his laser arm to be a drink dispenser (you know like in a fast food restaurant). It was strange times. After several failed attempts at classic energy drinks he decided to take it in ta-other direction. He realized that the United States is slowly becoming more health conscious, and while they still don't care about adding extra stress to their hearts they want healthier alternatives to their beverages. He then designed a carbonated energy juice. He basically carbonated some orange juice (with a handful of other fruit juices mixed in for an extra kick) and added the usual suspects of energy giving supplements; taurine, caffeine, b vitamins and others. His past creations were fairly average because he didn't have a group of human taste testers, but for this he fed it to elementary school kids who then finished recess in record-breaking time. He realized that he had made something very special. As a single robotic tear formed from his one digital eye, Megatron showed up and turned into a giant gun and shot him in the face. Tragic really. The world will now never know what future wonders this drink guru would have come up with.

Today on Sick Sad World we will venture into the depths of the Canadian forests in search of the ever-elusive elderflower. Not much is known about this strange and fascinating creature/plant other than it lives off of human flesh, and that I have only been able to find drinks made of it in the "great white north." What's that Barry? You tangled with a bear and not an elderflower? Why didn't you tell me that earlier before he hauled all of this camera equipment out into the woods? I don't care that you didn't want to hurt my feelings. Do you know how much money we wasted? On top of that now we have to worry about bears that might rip our arms off like they did yours. Geeze. I bet elderflower doesn't even grow in Canada. I bet they aren't even sentient beings. Someone get out their phone and Wiki that for me. Okay Jim hand that Droid over here. Looks like it's just a plant that grows all over Europe and South America. Good job guys. Why didn't someone bring up doing a little research before we came up here? Okay I'll take part of the burden, but can you blame me? Those drinks have such a unique flowery yet fruity taste. It's like nothing I've ever had before and I have absolutely nothing to compare it to. Perhaps a flowery white grape juice. That's not exactly it, but it's as close as I can think of. Great now I'm craving some. Pack it up guys. We're heading home. On the way we're stopping by Ikea so I can pick up a case of those little elderflower juice boxes they have. I know you guys make fun of my when I pack them in my lunch and call me a baby, but you are the ones losing out by not drinking the delicious nectar. As long as I have that I'll take all the mockery you can shovel out. No Barry we're not going to help you carry a shelving unit for your records. You lost that privilege when you lost your arm and didn't tell us truthfully how.

Let's play a little game called taste the flavor. You, the contestant, are put into a dark theatre to enjoy a movie. You are then handed a contraband beverage that your ladyfriend has snuck into the theatre for you. The movie is pretty dark (and completely brutal) so you can't see the label of the drink to know the flavor. Can you guess the flavor in three tries?

On the first sip you discern that it is not quite a juice and that it must be some kind of "ade" or a fruit drink of some kind. It's thinner and sweeter than a juice would be. Since you are an intelligent human being who is familiar with the Cintron line, you know that from the bottle shape this must certainly be an ade. Now you're a little confused. It's a strong fruity flavor is it peach? ***BUZZ*** Nope, your first guess is wrong. Well it does taste more tropical. It's certainly not guava, but it's something along those lines. Suddenly your brain moves to thoughts of stringy fruit. Of course. How could you not have gotten it on the first guess? It's most certainly Cintron's mango ade. Now that you know what it is you can't believe you would have thought it was anything else. It's so obviously the sweet, sweet juice of the mango without all of the sticky, stringy mess. Now sit back and enjoy your film, and try not to drink it all too quickly. You don't want to have to get up to go to the toity and miss a crucial plot point.

Strawberries are good but for some reason I don't like eating the fruit. Bananas are bad and I don't eat them and do whatever I can to not ingest them. This is a cross between two fighting flavors that I don't ingest in solid form.

Now I've got this drink that has put good versus bad in one brightly colored can. I knew it had both things in it and I was fully prepared to ingest both at the same time. Down the hatch...and...delicious. I can't give you a percentage, ratio, bar graph, pie chart, or whatever other type of graph that you might want, but it was good. Everything disguised each other so it was like a different fruit all together. Stranana. It was nicely thick, like one would want and desire. It was very fruity and I would get it again.

I wasn't aware of it, but apparently the morning is the most tropical time of day. It's all citrus, sunshine and wild boars. One should embrace the tropical morning with both hands because before you know it time has passed and you are then stuck in the arctic evening with nothing but whale blubber and raw fish. So celebrate the morning while you have it. Wake up early to get the most of the sun and compliment your morning ritual of fake Cinnamon Toast Crunch with some healthy juice. You see juice was made for the morning. Avoid the garbage that has tons of sugar and artificial junk added and go for the all-natural 100% juice. It's also best to keep your morning juice tropical. R.W. Knudsen had their scientists work up the perfect blend to make the most of the morning. It's a mixture of pineapple, papaya, orange, peach and apple juice. It tastes great and makes you feel good about yourself. Even though it is full of citrus fruits the mixture does something too it that takes away the acidic harshness. This makes me want to eat a second breakfast, just to properly have a second glass.

Kristall has done it again. This is a light and flavorful top-notch soda. Carbonated orange juice is something I can get behind. It falls somewhere between juice and a soda in terms of flavor. It's similar to Orangina, but it really tastes more like oranges. I really wish this was available in Western New York. Unfortunately it is not, so I have to wait until I'm someplace there is a Whole Foods so I can buy a couple of bottles.

When drinks come in these tetra pack they always seem like they are going to be too small for me. Ahh my American gluttony. Truth is that these packs keep me from being a slob. I just finished this up and I'm actually pretty satisfied. I should probably start drinking more things in smaller packages. Maybe then I won't over-stuff myself.

In my world this is more of a juice than a smoothie. It's a great juice, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't have the consistency of what I think of when I think smoothie. This is just a mixture of nine different fruit juices. There is nothing added to it to thicken it up. I'm okay with it. It tastes like you're eating a bunch of fresh fruit. Well done Juiceheads.

Tour ended a couple of days ago. Our last show was in Boston, MA (okay Allston). We showed up a bit early and no one was at the venue, so I decided to hoof it out to the local Whole Foods. My phone told me it was a mile away, and I thought that's no big deal. Let me tell you, that was the longest mile I've ever walked. The temperature seemed to be constantly dropping. I had to cross several thruway on and off ramps, go over some decent sized bridges and the neighborhood quickly went from nice to way shady to way nice. Strange times. I'm glad I made the trip though because the store had a bunch of drinks I had never seen before. I was the most excited about this one. It's a soda with actual fruit in it, which is a total plus in my book. On top of that said fruit is blackberry, my favorite.

Because it was made with actual juice I expected this to be pretty sweet. I was actually expecting something along the lines of an Italian soda. I was shocked, but not disappointed to find out it was rather dry. It still tasted totally like blackberries, but it wasn't overly sweet. It unfortunately also did not have chunks of blackberry in it. They must have filtered them out, which is a shame. Some small pieces would have been wonderful. Even with that being the case, this is a soda I can totally get behind. I like that more companies are making sodas with less sugar. We really need to wean this country off of so much sugar.

Honeydrop huh? How about we rename this drink "Honeyheapingspoonful." I don't mean that in a derogatory way, as I think this is a very pleasant drink. My issue is that from the name/label you would think that this is a juice that is lightly sweetened with honey. Nope! This is a honey drink lightly flavored with blood orange juice. It's like nothing I've ever had before. Also, I don't believe I've ever had a blood orange flavored drink that wasn't carbonated. It was a nice change of pace.

Oh how adorable a little bottle of smoothie. It has the cutest little face on it and an ever so appropriate name "Cuties." This may have been your first thought process if you are either under the age of 10 or over the age of 45 and lived alone except for your 14 cats. Truth be told you wouldn't be thinking this is so cute if you knew it's dark history. Remember those monks from the 90's that recorded their chants and sold them in mass quantities to the yuppie crowd? Have you ever wondered why we don't hear from them anymore? I mean obviously it's not because that was a stupid novelty of an idea. It must be something more sinister. The last ingredient in this bottle is "Monk Fruit Concentrate." That's too much of a coincidence for me. After doing some digging I uncovered the ghastly truth that Cuties has been harvesting the "singing monks" mind grapes to add a little kick to their smoothies.

They start off with a nice thick smoothie that tastes very strongly of tangerines and mangoes with just the slightest hint of banana. From the taste you can definitely tell it's a protein drink, but it's not as chalky as you would expect. It is the monk's mind grapes that give it that quality. Tell me you still think this is cute now that you know that it contains monk brains! You do? Well then you my friend are quite the sicko!

I enjoy drinking things shaped like a baseball. It's completely awkward and it makes me want to market something that is fun to drink because it's shaped like a pirate ship or light pole or spoiler off a Honda Civic. People would love it because it's delicious but I would make it so it doesn't really fit on any shelf and doesn't stay where you put it because there isn't a adequate flat surface.

This was an impulse buy that was made because of the flavor and the shape and the price and the fact that the name of the company was Cuties.

I expected a bit more smoothie and less coconut puree, if I may be honest. The flavor was good to start; tangerine fighting strawberries and then who breaks up the fight? Fat old coconut. It not bad, I just thought it would be thicker, perhaps with seeds or something. There is a bit of "stuff" in there, so it is technically a smoothie, I just would have liked more, you know.

There are other flavors and we will eventually get to them, but for now, I know what to expect, and it's thick, coconut Juice in the shape of America's favorite past time.

It's been a long drive, but now you've reach your destination. 11 hours on the road is a long time. It seems even longer when it's been pouring rain for half of it. You get to the house, but no one is home. Luckily you have a key on your enormous janitor-esque key ring. You let yourself in plop down on the couch to just relax. You suddenly realize that you are starving. Problem is it's pouring out so you can't walk anywhere, and you got a bitchin' parking spot that you really don't want to give up. Looks like it's toast with peanut butter yet again. This time you decide to spice it up by sipping on a can of mango nectar during your meal. The food is as decent as you would expect. You went for the honey roasted peanut butter, and boy are and boy are you glad you did. The juice on the other hand, not so great and you wish you had chosen more wisely. It tastes like mangoes alright, but old ones that have begun to slightly spoil. It has that borderline smoky flavor to it that acidic things that are on the verge of going bad get. It's also more of a thinned out syrup than a nectar. What can you do though give up that parking spot? I think not. You'll suffer through that slightly less than mediocre juice, and you'll live another day to complain about it via the internet.

Along the I-95 in South Carolina there is a little oasis of wonder, Well wonder and racism. I'm talking about the famous tourist trap South of the Border. If you've ever driven on the 95 you've more than likely seen the hundreds of billboards for this rest stop of stereotypes. It's really pretty terrible. I can't believe there haven't been protests of some sort. Our Christian (our drummer for this tour) may have been the first person of actual Mexican descent that any of the employees had ever seen. I wonder if they thought he was one of the many statues around the area come to life. You know to seek revenge for the generalization of his people.

I found this carton of juice in a cooler in a "pantry" there. It looks like the crappiest juice I can ever imagine. This looks like sub prison grade juice. I don't know if I trust any sort of beverage that comes in a little carton like this. It looks like I bought it out of some weird olde timey vending machine on the side of a country road. It actually expires this week, so I wonder how long it's been sitting at south of the border surrounded by ponchos, sombreros and over-sized mustaches. I was told that I would be lucky if I don't acquire some sort of parasite from it.

Shockingly it's not all that bad. I expected it to be ultra thick like Hawaiian Punch, but it's fairly thin. It also has actual juice in it, which is kind of blowing my mind grapes. It's not a high quality juice, but what do you expect form a $.70 carton. It tastes like a generic fruit punch, but you can tell it has some real fruit juice, and not all sugar water. All an all I don't mind it. It's much better than the Sunny D the hotel tried to pawn off as orange juice this morning. That is just completely unacceptable. Now I should probably ride the giant sombrero and call it a day.

If I didn't know any better I would have gathered from this bottle that Frubob was a company that made knock off Pez and then tried their hand at the beverage game. Look at that picture. It looks like little Pez with pineapple stalks coming out of the top. Lucky for everyone involved that is not the case. This does not taste like a gross candy beverage, and they needn't worry about receiving a cease and desist letter from a classic candy company.

This is in fact a mixture of pineapple and apple juice, with no sugar added. To be honest if they had added sugar it would have been so sweet that it was undrinkable. The best part of this is the chunks of pineapple in it. They are the size of the chunks in most aloe drinks, but with a slightly different texture. It gives the juice a more natural flavor, and feel. I know what you're thinking, and you don't have to worry. This does not cross the line into vomit pineapple flavoring. It's sweet and perfect.

M.A.S.H. was there ever a television show that was more boring, with a more depressing television show. When I was young it would bum me out so much when I'd be watching cartoons or Three's Company (one of the best shows ever) and they would end and that stupid song would start. Bummer City, Vietnam should have been the name of the show. Now that I'm older maybe I would enjoy the show a bit, but I think my past prejudices would hold up.

Maybe the actors would liven up more if the US Army would have packed their provisions with MASH drink. I didn't know what to expect with this when I bought it. I certainly did not expect it to be carbonated. It says on the bottle "A water drink," but just by seeing it I was calling their bluff. My best guess would have been an extremely intense Vitamin Water type drink. It turns out it was a lot like an Italian soda. It was sharply carbonated and tasted exactly like a mix of mango and blood orange. It was one of the best surprises I've had in awhile in the beverage world. I drank it while I was walking around Columbus, OH and I stumbled across a creepy tunnel that I circumnavigated. (Can you do that if it's not a globe?) I took sips periodically, and by the time I finished it the carbonation was gone and it was flat. Even flat it was still good. At that point it tasted like I originally expected it to; Vitamin Water.

The moral of this story is that instead of watching stupid reruns of M.A.S.H. you should go outside and explore creepy tunnels where you will find nice cats and then stumble upon a hobo encampment.

Mark, we have a problem. Friday night I was in a rush to get out of here and I didn't exactly close the door to the giant fridge all the way, and by all the way I mean at all. It was wide open all weekend. As a result almost everything has spoiled. I know it shouldn't have spoiled so quickly but I also left the heat up on high. Don't look at me like that. It was freezing in here, and I was soaking wet because you had me wash down all the produce in advance for some reason. That's right I'm blaming you Mark. If you wouldn't have tried to get ahead of the game, none of this would have happened. Due to that fact that we have just decided that you are to blame, I need you to go down to the grocery store and buy all the baby food they have. We'll whip that down and thin it out a bit. Our mangoes somehow made it through the weekend so we'll mix them with baby food. Can't you just see the new flavor "Mango Veggie."

This really does taste and have the consistency of thinned out baby food. Don't let that deter you though because it actually tastes great. It's initially sweet and fruity due to the mango and apple puree, but then it fades out into a subtle veggie flavor. You can make out the corn, carrots and chickpeas. It seems really strange, but I do like it. Don't be scared off. Give it a try. Mark needs all of your help since I blamed this all on him. If this shipment doesn't sell, he will surely be back at the unemployment line, and by that I mean watching talk shows on his couch all day. He doesn't deserve a vacation like that. It's up to you to stop him from enjoying life.

Here in Buffalo, we have an event called "Italian Festival." One street, one week, everyone is Italian. Like St. Patrick's day where "everyone is Irish" type thing. The air is filled with the smell of onions and sausage and every other stand sells "Buffalo's Best Cannoli" which is probably a made up term since, and I could be wrong, there is no committee of people going around, charting and graphing the stats behind one city's cannoli.

Since I don't care about anything, including the festival I actually went to, I went to an Indian bodega to see if they had any strange or different drinks. I left with this drink, which isn't from India at all, but from Turkey. Whatever. Who cares, right?

It took me about three months to actually open this carton but when I saw "rosehip nectar", I had to spring into action and slap $2 down and buy it. I've got a pretty good track record when it comes to nectar and although some aren't my favorite, I understand and appreciate their role in the juice family.

This was thin as far as nectars go. I'm not too familiar with the rosehip, but I am familiar enough with nectars to expect more seeds and/or less viscosity. This was seedless and free to flow. I especially noticed how thin it was when my girlfriend cleaned the house and dropped my glass with it inside and I got a very close and intimate inspection of it running under the couch. It was a light flavor that was different that any fruit I have had, but if I had to say it was like anything, I might say that it is half cherry, half watered down and bitterless cranberry juice. It was good and I don't know why they don't make more drinks here the these United States using the...whatever rosehip is.

I just left for tour a couple of days ago and our drummer has some sort of disease brewing in his throat. That along with the fact that it's finally starting to get cold and it's rainy and damp has led to all of us feeling like crap. I've been eating healthy and drinking a bunch of juice to make sure that I don't end up being completely sick and miserable (well at least not until after tour).

I found this in a health food store in MI. Passion fruit and wheat grass are two things that I really enjoy, so when I saw this it was a no-brainer. I always expected wheat grass to taste gross and like grass, but when I finally tried it it's actually kind of sweet and only slightly tastes like lawn clippings. Passion fruit on the other hand completely lives up to it's name and is one of the most delectable of off the fruits on this planet.

It smells like sludge, like health sludge to be exact. It turns out it kind of tastes that way too. It has the general flavor of something that just has to be good for you. It's like a variety of healthy things from a health food store were all mixed together in a green-brown swamp of fruity vitamins and minerals. The flavors all kind of blend together into a sweet fruity mess. Sometimes it tastes like passion fruit and others pineapple comes out to play. It doesn't taste like I wanted it to, but it tastes good enough and I'm sure it's going to help with my health.

I remember seeing this drink over in the UK. At the time I was on a pretty strict budget or basically no money, so I passed on trying it. This was also in the pre-Thirsty Dudes days, so I didn't feel the obligation to drink everything I saw. I didn't expect to run across it again in a small store in Lansing, MI. If you are also a scientist you will have come to the same conclusion I have; there is a warp point to the United Kingdom somewhere in central Michigan. I know your first thought is that we need to call immigration and get some border guards out here to tighten up security on this warp zone, but I'm pretty sure the terrorists don't know about it yet, so let's use it to our advantage. Think of all of the Jaffa cakes and Irn Bru we could bring over. On second thought those things are gross, let's tighten those borders!

Now that we're essentially closed off the point of entry let us sit back and sip on this bottle of Shloer. The way I've been pronouncing it, it sounds like a degrading term for women. Is that the way you're supposed to say it? If so what were you thinking UK? Enough of pronunciations. On to what's important, flavor. I expected this to be an overly sweet sparkling grape juice. While it is a sparkling grape juice, as is stated on the bottle, my scientific skills were not needed for that, it's not very sweet. It has a nice bitter grape taste to it. It was a nice surprise. I've been nursing the bottle for the better part of the day and I'm not sick of it yet. I kind of regret calling immigration on that warp point. Hopefully another one will open and I can score some more of these.