United States - 4098 Reviews

Since juniper trees fall in the same category as pines I was expecting this to taste like a very dry version of spruce beer. Luckily for me it did not taste that piney at all. In fact on first sip it tastes like very lightly sweetened seltzer water. For the record I despise seltzer water, but Dry always adds just enough cane sugar so that it just falls into the “this is interesting and I think I like it” category. After I took another sip I got the faintest mix of pine and berry, but it's a flavor that is very subtle and you have to look for it. The more I drank the stronger the flavors became, but they never got anywhere past the very mild marker. This is a very plain, and obviously very dry soda. It actually makes me think of a super extra dry flavored ginger ale. It's extremely refreshing in the way that cucumber sodas are. One would think that this would be a winter beverage due to the type of tree and the label, but I guarantee that drinking one of these on a blistering hot day would be a great way to beat the heat.

As the herd of horses circled Hans, he was a bit worried. He had just knocked over eleven motorcycles like dominoes like in Pee Wee's Big Adventure at a local bar. He was reading a map and walking backwards, a poor combination, and bumped into a bike ever so gently. Knocked them all down, one after another. It all happened in slow motion. All of the bikers came out of the bar because they knew what had happened. They saw Hans standing there, shoulders shrugged, knowing that he was the cause of the mess, and came towards him. He jumped in an old Volkswagon Beetle that a young woman had left the keys in and sped down the street.

After about five minutes, Hans looked back, stopped the car, got out and looked for a phone to call someone. He walked towards a phone, picked it up and didn't hear a dial tone. He looked down and the wire had been cut. Just as he hung up the phone, he heard the galloping of what sounded like a hundred hooves. He turned around and there were a dozen guys on horses staring him down. They had found him. He was in trouble. They all came towards him slowly, yelling in Portuguese, which he couldn't understand because he was born and raised in Boise, Idaho. In high school he only had his option between French and Spanish.

With his back up against a wall, he looked around for some sort of out. He didn't see one until he looked in the Beetle and saw a sparkle in the cup holder. He ran to the car and took out a can of Gazzu. He saw that it was an energy drink and that's exactly what he needed at this point. He opened it up and drank half the can. Feeling the effects kick in immediately, he just started to run. In his head, he thought that he would get some sort of super strength and "Red Rover" through the line of impenetrable muscle.

As he ran towards them, he took a few more sips to ensure a break of the chain of strength. It was for naught as when he ran square into the largest man, he simply fell on the ground and saw stars. The men dragged him by his collar back to the bar. He sipped the Gazzu in hopes that he would muster up enough strength to break free. Now that he had the time to taste the drink, he noticed that it was incredibly sweet. It did taste like a majorly carbonated orange juice with candy in it. He liked the taste and drank the rest of the can before he got back to the scene of the crime.

The men told him to pick up each of the bikes and they said they didn't mind because all of their bikes were pretty beat up. The Gazzu gave Hans the energy he needed to lift all the bikes and put them back how he found them. Then the men invited him into the bar to buy him a drink. They weren't mad that he knocked down the bikes, they were mad he was a coward and ran. He learned that day that he would stand up for himself. Just then, a large woman kicked in the door to the bar and asked to see the man that stole her Beetle. Hans ran out the back door and was never seen in that part of town again.

Nope. I went into this thinking it was going to be gross and hoping to be wrong and I was right. Story time? You've got it.

There was once a bar that Jay DJ'd at and it was pretty great. They sold everything and also served food and drink. You could go in there, buy a nice meal and the chair you sat in to eat it. Tables, chairs, toys, odds and ends, and more; everything was for sale. It was cool. Jay and I were there for a night he was playing and he took a break and they offered wheatgrass so we split a shot of it. It wasn't bad. We thought it was going to be gross, but it just tastes like the smell of freshly cut grass. A little sweet but very...fresh. Very green. It's got some immense amount of vitamins and minerals equivalent to multiple servings of vegetables.

This is just a strange, smooth, chunky texture, like if you watered down your morning oatmeal and drank it, except your oatmeal smelled like if you poured the dust from a box of Cheerios into a cup rather than actual cereal.

This is bad. I have said it before and I'll say it again. How does stuff like this make it to market?

When an attractive woman came up to Steve at the bar he was shocked. He was completely in disbelief when she asked him if he wanted to do a body shot. Steve knew where he stood in life. He was pretty frumpy and he suffered from a terrible case of halitosis. On top of that he had the personality of a dead moth. To sum it up he was no prize catch. This woman was completely beautiful though and here she was standing in front of him asking if he wanted to drink alcohol off of her body. Something strange was going on in the world. Perhaps Zuul had come to reign over the humans. You know the whole “human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!” bit. Steve didn't care this was a big moment for him and he wasn't going to turn it down. Apparently all of these thoughts took awhile to process in his mind because the woman was just staring at him strangely and asked if he wanted one or not. Steve snapped out of it and moved in closer and said of course so. His halitosis almost made her throw up. She gagged, reached into her bag and threw a tiny bottle at Steve and walked away. Confused, he looked down at the item she had tossed his way. Oh of course, that makes perfect sense. The woman was a representative of the My Body Shots company and she was going around handing out free samples like the “Red Bull girls” do. Steve felt like an idiot, so he sat back down on his stool and downed the shot. It was all natural, so at least he didn't have to worry about getting cancer. That was the only way he could see his life getting any worse. Somehow the shot still tasted a bit chemically. Steve guessed that when you concentrate so many vitamins and minerals it's not going to have a pleasant taste, no matter what you do. It was supposed to be mango passionfruit flavored, but he couldn't spot those specific flavors in the mix. It just had a general tropical/vitamin flavor to it. Since you're supposed to down in all in one gulp, it wasn't too bad. The variety he got was a rehydration shot, so at least it would help him avoid getting a hangover in the morning. Now only if it could cure his terrible breath.

We need to come up with a new drink that the kids will love. Energy drinks seem to be all the rage lately, so lets make one of those. We need a good tag line too. Awesome energy? Nah. Radical energy? Nope, too 90's. I know, Extreme Energy! Kids these days love extreme sports so they have to love extreme energy. Now what flavors do we have to choose from? All we have is that gross raspberry one? Crap, even my dog doesn't like that. Hmmm, we'll have to think of a good nickname for the flavor so maybe they won't realize how bad it is. I know! Enraged Raspberry. And let's throw some Blue #1 in there to make it a cool blue color. Hmm, you're right that does kind of make it look like carbonated windshield washer fluid. Oh well, they won't notice because it will be in a can. Consumers are ignorant sheep anyways, we tell them what to buy and they do it. We could probably get away with selling actual windshield washer fluid as a drink just by labeling it "the most extreme drink you've ever tasted."

Mark and Jimmy were in the convenient store last Friday and they saw a kid who is in the grade above them buy a couple cans of alcohol. They were completely ecstatic. Everyone else in their class was always going to parties and getting drunk, but their classmates thought they were nerds, so they were never invited. It seemed like everyone they knew (except the real nerds) was always out raging on the weekends. Seeing as neither of them had ever had even a drop of alcohol before they felt left out. This was going to be their ticket to being cool, especially if they could get it on the regular. When they saw the upperclassman make his purchase they quickly dropped their Nerd Rope and Snapple and ran outside to form a plan. They would keep the location of their purchases a secret, so that the other kids would need them to supply the booze, thus insuring their place amongst the most popular in their school. It would work perfectly. They pooled up their money and since Jimmy looked a bit older he took it and went in to make the deal. He walked three laps around the aisles before finally grabbing a six-pack and taking it to the counter. The cashier looked at him like he was crazy, and told Jimmy to get out of his store. Without skipping a beat he was out the door and around the corner with Mark. What had gone wrong? Had he not given the code word of the secret handshake? Mark suggested that maybe there was just a loophole with whatever their classmate had bought. He remembered it was in a yellow can, so he grabbed the money and gave it a chance himself. He went into the store, nodded to the cashier, you know to let him know that he was “cool” and down” and then made his way to the cooler. The only can that looked anything like what the other kid bought was Tall Boys Lemonade. He grabbed as many as he could carry in his arms and walked up to the counter. He was sweating and shaking like crazy. The cashier gave him an awkward smile and rang him out. Mark couldn't believe that it worked. They were going to be the hit of the party. Things were finally turning around. No more late night pizza roll filled D&D sessions in Jimmy's dank basement. He grabbed Jimmy and they ran all the way out to the fields where the party was taking place. Everyone at the party gave them dirty looks when they showed up, that is until they announced that they had alcohol. After that everyone was all smiles and pats on the back. Since it was Mark that got the drinks he started passing them out to everyone. It took about .3 seconds for everyone to look at them like they were idiots and the taunting to start. You see while many companies sell beer and malt liquor in tallboy cans, the company Tall Boys does not make alcoholic drinks. The cans that Mark and Jimmy brought to the party were simply carbonated lemonade. Mediocre carbonated lemonade at that. The embarrassment was too much to take. They ran until they could run no more and ended up in the cemetery. Who knows why they went there, but they sat on the headstones and discussed how hellish Monday morning was going to be at school. All the while they downed can after can of cheap lemonade. They decided they deserved to make them selves sick for being such idiots. When Jimmy finally gave the cans a good look, it became obvious to him that they weren't alcoholic. There wasn't even any real lemon juice in them, just citric acid. He was highly confused as to why it was carbonated though; since nowhere except in the ingredient list does it say anything about it being so. After their fifth can each they decided that it tasted like highly sweetened floor cleaner with bubbles. Their purchase had been a mistake on so many levels.

Lemons are so social. They are the team players of Fruitland. They'll go anywhere and do anything. What drink line doesn't have a lemon flavored drink, or at least lemon as an additive? I don't hate lemons. Unless it's lemonade, there is a different lemon taste. You only get the sting on lemonade. I think that lemonade is a lemon's pet project. That's where they have their best foot forward.

Drinks like this is where the blue-collar lemons go. It's not bad. They're there. You can taste them. They're not in their finest state, but they're there. It's a black tea with lemon in it. Simple. I'm not offended by the corn syrup as this is right on par with "the rival" tallboy. You know the one.

This is fine. Dandy even. Lemons, keep up the good work. Sure, for some reason Jay doesn't like you, but he's strange. He's got Spice Girls and Bauhaus in his music collection. Lemons are fine, Jay.

"Zompo!" that's the word. We're going to invent the new "awesome" or "tubular" or "radical" or all those other timeless phrases. What's going to start to inspire it, team? This pop. Nothing says "zompo!" like kiwi, lime, and cream. Kids and adults alike love when all sorts of things are mixed together and this certainly is a lot of mixed things.

Look, I've never been to Italy and I'm also not Italian, but if I know Italy and Italians, it's when you mix kiwi, limes, and creams together. That is Italian. Pizza and spaghetti, sure, that's more Italian, but you're not going to make a pizza or spaghetti pop, although I have thought of it due to my love for both foods. Look, kiwis are exotic, limes are wonderful to add a little zing to things, and cream soda is used to really smooth things out. Who doesn't love an exotic, zinging, smooth drink? Certainly not me, I love the stuff.

I've brought you all in not only as interns, but also as testers for our new products. I wanted you to taste a bit of this and let me know what you thing. Shannon, you are the voice for the team. What did you think of this? Strange tasting key lime pie? Is strange tasting good? Not really? Hmm. Can you break it down a little bit for me? Too much overall flavor in the beginning and it's not until a minute after you drink it that the cream kicks in and it tastes good for a couple seconds. Well that's not very good. Very sweet and a little stingy? Alright, that's the cane sugar and the lime. I wonder if we toned it down in both departments it would be better. What's that Carl? Oh. Team, Carl the director of operations said that we've already made ten thousand bottles and we can't afford to dump them all out and start with a new recipe.

I hope that Shannon, you and your team are a small subset of the population and this isn't the way that most people see this drink. We've got other flavors, sure, but I put a lot of thought into this one. Carl, ship 'em out and let's see what happens. Shannon, you and your team can collect your ten dollar gift cards to K-Mart on the way out.

Months ago Marcus had become fed up with the prepackaged iced tea game. He realized that he was paying $4 daily for a liter of tea that he could easily make at home for less than fifty cents. He went out and bought a whole mess of tea bags and started brewing his own. He would boil water in a large pot and then drop in three tea bags. If he was feeling crazy he would add some sugar, but normally he kept it unsweetened. Life was good. He was able to control the strength of the tea, and he was saving butt-loads of money. After a month he realized he had saved over $100. He felt like someone who had quit smoking, and suddenly had an excess of cash and a healthier outlook on life. That's when an idea popped into Marcus' head. There were two things in life he was passionate about: tea and root beer. Why not combine the two? Marcus was no dummy, and he knew that his knowledge of carbonation methods was elementary at best, so he decided to make a tea with root beer flavoring. He went online and bought a whole mess of roots and barks to boil down into a base for his experiment. He bought a little of everything that one online store had to offer which included sarsaparilla root, maca root, brazil wood bark, chamomile flowers, chewstick bark, coconut root, guinea hen weed bark, marabelli bark, minniroot, princess vine bark, supple jack bark, west Indian mulberry bark, clove flower bud, bay rum tree leaf, cinnamon bark and rosewood leaf. He had no idea what most of those things were, but he figured the more the merrier and awaited his package's arrival.

Two weeks later Marcus arrived home from work to find his package jammed between his doors getting rained on. Oh shipping services, when will you learn how to properly treat people's parcels? He quickly unlocked his door, stripped off his lab coat and filled his trusty pot with water. He brought the water to a roiling boil and dumped in all of the contents of his package into the water with some agave syrup and let it boil down for an hour or so. It wasn't until he was straining out all of the roots and bark bits that he realized that he had forgotten to actually add a few tea bags to the mix. Oh well, this was going to be great anyways. It smelled great. It smelled like chai for some reason. It wasn't what Marcus had expected, but it was a nice surprise. He didn't have the patience to let it cool down in the fridge so he dumped some ice in a glass and filled the remaining space with his concoction. He was so excited and he took a big gulp and paused. “This…€¦is…€¦.weird…€¦” thought Marcus. It doesn't taste like chai, root beer, or any tea at all for that matter. It actually tasted like he was chewing on some sticks. To be more specific is tasted like chewing on sticks that had been dusted with cinnamon sugar. It was hard to get down. He finished off his glass and then called over some friends to see what they would think. His buddy Charles always was chewing on sticks from the licorice plant, maybe he would like it more. Turns out that Marcus was right, Charles really liked it. As a result he was able to take the remainder of the experiment home with him to enjoy at his leisure. With everything that was in it, the health benefits of it were huge. It provided natural energy and endurance while boosting the immune system, metabolism, circulation and liver function. It was a health nuts dream come true. It's just too bad that the taste would be more suited for a beaver.

14-year olds of both sexes are piling into the store to behold the Sex Soda. The boys stereotypically make rude comments that only their testosterone filled friends can hear, while the girls just giggle uncontrollably. Children can be so immature. Oh wait, when Neuland and I came across this in the store we laughed hysterically. Our reaction was actually closer to that of the female youngsters, but come on this is hysterical. Sex Soda? Seriously? I think the funniest part about it is that we didn't come across it in Spenser Gifts, but rather we found it at a reputable candy/soda store. Sure it was up high on a shelf off to the side, but there it was and there we laughed. I'm halfway through this bottle and I'm still chuckling. The label has silhouettes of a couple in various “erotic” positions. The whole thing just looks like it should be some sort of joke, but I'm pretty sure this company is completely serious, which only makes it even funnier. I believe the company is serious because it actually tastes good. It has that herbal soda taste blended perfectly with a decent natural cola flavor. It's that cola flavor that's not quite something crazily micro brewed, but also a far distance from your everyday Coke or Pepsi. I really think the herbal flavor mixes in perfectly with the cola. Like many times in the past I find myself wishing that this were just a normal soda and not one with specialized effects. I just want to drink something for its taste and not for it being “boner juice,” which it's not for the record. It's my opinion that they are claiming that it's an aphrodisiac is because ginseng and ginkgo biloba so that it just keeps you awake so you can “put in the real work.” I'm also 99.9% sure that horny goat weed is in this solely due to it's name. Oh well, I'll probably be awake until 5am again tonight, due to this. It's always great to notice things like “contains two servings” after you've polished off the bottle. Now I shall continue with my giggling for a few more minutes and watch some dumb movie on Netflix streaming. The quality of movies that I watch has gone completely downhill since it's become a part of my life.

When I was sixteen, I am ashamed to say that I used to take wine from the basement and bring it to my friend Justin's house. We used to sneak sips and hide it in the false, tile ceiling in his basement. That basement was great. We treated it with no respect and it showed. The way we treated that basement probably lowered the selling price by a bit. I think Justin told me that there were so many beer cans from him and his brother and their friends in the ceiling that they filled up a couple garbage cans. That basement was probably the last place I drank and that would have been in about 1998.

The one bottle of wine that we probably never finished was a bottle of red wine. It is the only red wine that I've ever had, and maybe the only wine I've ever had of any shade. This drink tastes like it. First sip I was immediately rewound back a dozen years into a basement that reeked of incense, bad music, and hormones, all covered in a thick layer of melted candle wax.

It's not a bad juice: very dark grapes and very dark cranberry. Pretty sweet and surprisingly HFCS'd first. I thought we were beyond that. It's a tame drink with no bitterness. Smooth, even. It's good, though, and now that I know what this one tastes like, I can get it any time I need to remember where I came from, a moldy basement where we built stadium seating out of some old couches and wood, a basement where we all made out with the same girl on separate occasions, a basement where we spent much of our high school days. A basement that now that I'm thinking about, makes me miss my dumb mid-teens. Now I'm listening to the Sneaker Pimps because that's what we would have been doing fifteen years ago.

Do you think the CEO of Capri Sun contacts his lawyer whenever another drink comes out in a metallic pouch such as this one? Do they have a patent on this sort of packaging? They should. When I was a kid I thought Capri Sun was the coolest, solely based on the packaging. Well that and because when you were done you could blow them back up and stomp on them to make them explode. That is the sort of thing that companies should keep in mind when packaging drinks for kids; will they be able to have annoying fun with the packaging when the juice is gone?

The juice that Honest uses here is very light. I believe the watermelon is to blame for that. Is there any fruit that is more watered down in it's natural form than watermelon? The flavor in this pouch is well rounded. If you concentrate enough you can taste each specific fruit that is shows on the label. The lightness of it may be a problem for kids in today's society who are used to over-sweetened, over the top extreme juices. This is what they should be drinking. MY only real complaint is why did they add sugar to this? Sure it's cane sugar, but it's juice, which is naturally sweetened, and I always thought that Honest was a healthier beverage. Oh well, it's still tasty, and if I had kids I would feed them these over normal juice boxes any day. Now it's time to go outside and blow up this package.

Spinning. The room was spinning when I woke up today. I don't know what was going on. I put on a sock and fell on the bed. It's getting better but I have no idea what went on. I felt like a kid who just did that thing where you put your head on a baseball bat, spin around, and then have to accomplish a simple task. I thought to myself, maybe I'm dehydrated. I should take care of this when I get to work.

Cut to two hours later, AKA "now" and here I am, drinking a rehydration shot designed for kids playing little league baseball. I've drunk more age inappropriate things so this is hardly at the top of my list. I opened it and expected it to be weak but brother was I wrong. You know your face and taste buds after you suck on a lemon at some shady diner? Every sip I got that. Eyes almost watering, squinting, throat over-soured. There is lots going on in this little guy. There is an initial, terribly gross orange flavor that tastes like if you sat in a sauna with an orange, sweat on it, and then ate it. It lasts for five to ten seconds and then super-sour kicks in. Less than when sour Warheads existed, but more than you are expecting. Flavor isn't bad after the stinkfest.

I might be quenched but I feel like I had to go through a tiny, 2.5-ounce ordeal to get there. I have two more of these little punishers so here's to hoping that they are calmer than this.

I wish there were a secret meeting in a shady part of town where all of the tea magistrates met up to vote on what is and is not acceptable in the bottled tea world. Everything from the grade of the tea to the quirky names companies would want to use would be set before a committee and a vote would be held with majority rule (well either that or I wish the band Majority Rule would play a show). On top of wishing for this committee I would also expect we three Thirsty Dudes to be on the committee. I want to be a magistrate dammit! If I were the first motion I would pass would be for more companies to use yerba mate as the base of their drinks. You really don't see enough companies using it, and I feel like it is virtually unknown amongst the masses. Actually I think it's only been in the past 6-7 years that green tea made its way into mainstream bottled beverages. Let's face it the world is overflowing with black tea based drinks and it's up to us as members of this completely fabricated committee to spice things up. Mate tastes like an earthier version of green tea with a slight eucalyptus flavor to it. It's unique and amazing.

Also, if I were on said committee I would also propose that the Mate Fusion companies teas be more widely available and have a strong hold in the market. This is not a company that I should find at a discount store (like I recently did). Their drinks are organic and all natural, the way certain tea's should be. They do an excellent job of showing off the greatness of mate. With this flavor the distinct mate flavor is very strong. It's rounded out with black currants, which taste like tart grapes. I would saw it falls somewhere between a grape and a cranberry. The flavor of both the fruit and the tea is strong, but neither takes away from the other. This is a wonderful tea that the world should know about. So tea makers of the world, let's get this committee started. If you already have one, disband it and start a new one, because you're doing a terrible job.

Carol loves a good jog. She's in her mid-forties and has always done a good job taking care of her body. Sure, she "cheats" every once in a while. She's determined but still human. She'll have some ice cream every once in a while and loves chocolate. She eats less of it than she would like to, but she has self-control. Admirable, I know.

While making her bi-weekly shopping trip, she came across a new version of Crystal Light. She used to drink it a lot in the last 80's, early 90's but after the whole diet/cancer scare, she's tried to stay away from it. This looked like something new and used Stevia so she bought it.

So took her evening, after work jog and came home to make a glass of this drink. She took one sip and was part relieved and part unsatisfied. She liked the fruit flavor of the drink but it was a bit too sweet. It has the Stevia taste that she was used to, but it was as if it had just too much sugar in it. She mixed it correctly. She checked the size of the bottle and the directions on the box. She finished the bottle and would probably finish the rest, but just in a longer time than she thought.

It was not what she expected and although it was better than the Crystal Light she was used to, they hadn't exactly "done it" quite yet. Keep going, Carol. We're all rooting for you.

Words cannot describe how excited we are that Cassandra was willing to do a review for us. She is one of the funniest and wittiest people to have graced the screen. As it turns out she is obsessed with Dublin Dr Pepper, and has been trying to round up all of the bottles that she can since it recently went out of production. If you ever come across a bottle I say you let her have it first. Now on to her review:

R.I.P. DUBLIN DR. PEPPER - (1891-2012)

I was recently shocked and saddened to learn that in January of this year, Snapple sued the Dublin Dr. Pepper Bottling Plant to stop making Dublin Dr. Pepper. They had apparently violated their contract with the company who also sell the drink, by allowing it to 'leak out' of the 44-mile radius in which the Dublin, Texas company was contractually confined to selling it.

I loved Dublin Dr. Pepper. It was my caffeine delivery system of choice and I'm extremely sensitive to caffeine so it gave me a fantastic buzz. I generally drank it only when I was working as Elvira, whether shooting my show, Movie Macabre, or simply signing autographs at Horror Conventions. It gave me energy, without the frenzied mania, shaking and sweating that a cup of regular coffee gives me. And DDP made me happy. I know it's basically only sugar, water and carbonation, but that bubbly little concoction in the adorable baby glass bottles did more for me than just give me 'Star Energy'. It actually made me funnier than I usually am. Which is pretty funny. I referred to it as 'Comedy Juice'. And because it had the abbreviated word for Doctor in it, it gave me a false sense of health and well-being.

It reminded me of my childhood. It tasted like the real real thing. And the little glass bottles were the perfect size. No yucky high-fructose corn syrup. No diabetes-inducing 20 ounces of sickeningly sweet fake flavor in a gigantic plastic bottle; no canned metallic after-taste, just 8 refreshing ounces of soda-pop euphoria. I also loved the fact that you still needed a 'church key' to open it. No stinkin' twist-off cap for Dublin Dr. Pepper.

It was fairly expensive, but still cheaper than 'crack'. I'll admit it. I was a Dublin Dr. Pepper junkie.

In fact, upon hearing the news of it's untimely demise, I bought up every bottle I could lay my hands on, over $500 worth of the stuff. I know, right? It's crazy. I don't drink alcohol to excess or do drugs or smoke. Dublin Dr. Pepper was my addiction and soon, after my stash is gone, I will be forced to go through a Snapple imposed Detox.

Goodbye Dublin Dr. Pepper. Looks like I won't be seeing you anytime soon. Not at 10:00, not at 2:00...not even at 4:00.

- Cassandra Peterson AKA Elvira, Mistress of the Dark


Here is a video of her enjoying a bottle in character:

On the molten surface of the sun there lives two lizards. They go by the names Mac and Gertrude, but names are meaningless in a story such as this. You see it is the strife between these two lizards that causes all of the planets in the solar system to revolve around the sun. There is a weird polar magnetism at work. For some unknown reason one of the lizards sweats mango, and the other melon. Gertrude (okay the names do make it easier) excretes the essence of melon and Mac wants so very badly to mix his mango with her. He's been chasing her around the surface of the sun for millennia, but he never seems to catch her. It's the chase that causes the magnetism. Scientists and astrologers have known it for centuries, but they thought it was just too weird for the general public to accept. A philosopher who is also a higher up at the Sobe corporation found out about the lizards and pondered it for some time. He then invented a drink to represent the struggle of the sun lizard. He made a melon heavy drink that had traces of mango in it's after taste. It was bold and sweet and everything wonderful. He used a mixture of cantaloupe and honeydew for his melon base and it turned out absolutely perfect. It actually tasted like a fruit punch that was very heavy on the melon. That mango just slipped in there at the end. Like Mac it is always chasing the melonous wonder of Gertrude, but it never quite catches up to over take the flavor. To represent their environment he made the drink bright orange like the fires of the sun. That philosopher should be made president of the company because he invented the finest flavor Sobe has ever produced and it was all due to a pair of lizards millions of miles away.

By the quality of this juice this company's idea of a tropical location is a third world country. A country that certainly does not have the funds available to properly grow and harvest guavas. Instead they go the inexpensive route and make a fake guava juice. There is pear and apple juice in this, but not a drop of the nectar of the guava. It still remotely tastes like the fruit, but a kid version of it. This is the kind of juice that would be in the lowest common denominator juice box. You can certainly tell that it is sweetened with HFCS, but for some reason there is sucralose in it as well. It's not bad for the price, but it's not what I would want when I have the craving for juice from one of the best fruits in the world.

Today, a man, or perhaps a man trapped in a boy's body, called "Peter Pan" wrote me essentially asking why we, these Thirsty Dudes, wrote stories that go nowhere instead of writing reviews about how the drink tastes. For you, friend, I will write one of the most boring reviews that will explain to you why we do things the way we do them:

Mate Fusion All Natural Raspberry Tea is a very good tea. It has nice, prominent notes of raspberry mixed with the inherent bitterness of yerba mate. This drink is all natural and you can taste the difference between this and a tea made with manufactured sugars and preservatives. The bitterness of the yerba mate mixed with the sweetness of the tea mixed with the fruitiness of the raspberry creates a pleasurable cornucopia of flavors. Mate Fusion All Natural Raspberry Tea is a high quality beverage that I would recommend to anyone who likes sweetened tea. I feel that it is a safe, entry-level yerba mate for those who might be on the fence about previous experiences with it.

That was splendid. I hope you enjoyed my legitimate review and not a story about how cats don't like yerba mate because the bitterness makes their hair stand up on end so people don't like to pet them because they look mean but are really having a reaction to the taste. That would be dumb and stupid.

Well good morning, gorgeous. How are you? Good? I made you something. I made you this mocha latte. Just my way of saying "I love you." Go ahead. Yeah, it is cold. It's an iced latte. You know, the fancier things in life. I don't want to drink something hot first thing in the morning. It throws my whole mouth out of whack. You know, like how I don't like to open my eyes right away or I am "officially" awake. You didn't know that I did that? Well, we've only been together a short time. I don't expect you to know everything about me just yet.

Do you like it? Yeah, I enjoy making fresh coffee in the privacy of my own house. It's just a hobby I have. What do you think of it? It's nice, right? Good chocolate flavor and just the right amount of coffee where you feel like you could drink it anywhere. Oh, you have to go to the bathroom? I'll hold it for you while you go.

What, honey? I couldn't hear you over the radio. What did you say? Oh, you found this Emmi Caffe Latte cup in the garbage? You got me. You caught me. I just poured that into my best "Gnomes on Ice" commemorative drinking glass. I don't make coffee from home. I don't even like coffee. While you were sleeping, I went to the store and bought it. I did buy it for you, so that should count right? Oh, you never want to see me because I'm a known liar like Jason Draper of Thirsty Dudes? Welp, can't win 'em all, I guess.